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  • #35178
    Carlos Coto
    Participant

    Hi Kavetha, Hi Sheila,

    Love your websites by the way… I am interested in your topics. I am a clinical psychologist, and university professor in El Salvador. I work a lot with Anxiety Disorders, and have started this year a site devoted to Living a meaningful life…

    Kavetha, Mindfulness is a great therapy, I love it, patients love it, children love it. I wish people would have found it earlier!

    Sheila, I´m intrigued on your information about the colors,… do you get it from color psychology?

    And Last… just wanted to say hello to both of you, and thank you for helping people, just like I do.

    Great to get to know you.

    Carlos

    #35176
    kanaryteam
    Participant

    The Mind is an unlimited resource. We have seen such incredible growth in recent decades to prove it; exponential growth in industry, technology, agriculture, spirituality and an awareness of humanity in general. This growth, this accelerated evolution of the Human experience, is a direct result of our Consciousness striving from creation to exhiliration.​ As we said in our previous blog post ‘The Multiverse Within’; the limitless expanse of potential in our mind dwarfs the puny physical realm. The Mind truly is an unlimited resource.

    Tapping into this resource begins by first understanding how it works, understanding the nature of consciousness, to the best of our research and ability. Of course, these definitions and correlations are constantly evolving with new discoveries, new insights and social evolutions. We can begin with certain elastic notions of our experience, which can be outlined succinctly and accessibly in the following way;​
    ​The 7 Stages of Consciousness

    ​Consciousness can be assigned to awareness, but is not limited to the notion of relation or relativity. It is not just the relation to events but also includes the processing of those events, the development of paradigms in the mind, habits in the social sphere and physiological executions of each. Consciousness encompasses so much more than awareness. It is not an exclusive aspect of the Human Experience as it has yet to have clearly defined and agreed upon boundaries. For this particular article, we will assign Consciousness to our awareness of self and the outside world, the processing of that information and our chosen response to that information.

    In this model there are 7 Stages of Consciousness​;

    Level 1 – Animal

    ​”The Drive to Survive”

    At this level, the focus is on basic security; food, water, shelter and any other basic needs to maintain survival. This is a very self-centered and undeveloped Consciousness. Abraham Maslow referred to these as “deficiency” needs. We feel no sense of lasting satisfaction from being able to meet these needs, but we feel a sense of anxiety if these needs are not met. It is a cyclical state of being.

    We master level 1 by developing the practical skills that are necessary to ensure our physical survival.

    Level 2 – Mass Consciousness​

    ​”The Drive for pleasure and the perpuation of the species.”

    The social, relationship based level of Consciousness; the desire to be loved, to belong and the awareness of the needs of others. This is above the self-interested level of satisfying physiological needs where we desire emotional fulfillment through communion with others.​

    We master level 2 by developing the interpersonal relationship skills that are necessary to feel safe and to be loved.

    Level 3 – Aspiration​

    ​”The Drive for conquest, achivement, victory and esteem.”

    Our positive self-esteem, a sense of pride in who we are in the social sphere. Our personal self-worth in relation to our outside world is of intrinsic value, defining ourselves in relation to others and recalibrating those definitions in relation to choices and actions.

    We master level 3 by developing the emotional skills that are necessary to feel good about ourselves in all situations – developing our self-respect.

    Level 4 – Individual​

    ​”The Drive for community or union.”

    ​This is a truly transformational state as we rise above the self interested level of satisfying needs. We begin our journey in learning to master the power of the Subconscious Mind, identifying paradigms and limiting beliefs and deciding what is acceptable and what is not, and travel a path of self actualisation. We develop a system of values by which we will live our lives and an understanding of our potential impact within our community, in history and our world.

    ​We master level 4 by learning to release the subconscious and conscious fears we hold concerning the first three levels of needs and thereby begin the process of blending the needs of the ego with the needs of the soul.

    Level 5 – Discipline​

    ​”The Drive for creative self-expression”

    Clarity of Purpose is aligning your life with your passion and purpose, discovering your authentic self and making commitments to fulfill those directives that will bring meaning to your life. This is the galvanization and cohesion of our preferred self. We choose to align our immediate self with a Higher Self by creating a vision for our future and taking action in accordance with that vision, action with a definite non-negotiable plan to manifest the Universe expressing creation through us.

    ​We master level 5 when we discover our personal transcendent meaning for existence; our Clarity of Purpose.

    Level 6 – ​Experience

    ​”The Drive to imagine what could be but has yet to be.”

    ​Our consciousness has evolved to a point where we recognize that actualization of our sense of purpose, to truly make a difference, is dependent on mutual benefit and fulfillment with others and the collective imagination and development of that which is yet to be.

    ​We master level 6 by actualizing our sense of meaning by making a difference in the world.

    Level 7 – Mastery​

    “The drive to grasp and take hold of what has been imagined at lev​el 6.”

    ​This transcendant state of awareness is self-explanatory.

    We master level 7 when making a difference becomes a way of life, and we embrace the concept of self-less service.​

    Throughout history and across the world there are cultures that have explored the definitions of these levels of Consciousness. Culturally, they may be referred to as cycles, chakras, metals of alchemy, planets of astrology or a myriad of other possible things. The Human Experience over the centuries has proven that, while there are variations on a theme, and while the potential is limitless, the progres of our Consciousnes CAN be guaged if not only as a point of reference for evolving and progressing to another level.​

    ​We hope that by providing this information, this guage, you are excited and inspired to explore ways and means of tapping into your unlimited resource to move yourself forward into a new state of Consciousness and awareness, thereby accelerating your results, unlocking mysteries within yourself and discovering your authentic self and what you are truly capable of achieving in this precious life.

    Create some fire and pass the Torch,​

    The Kanary Team​
    http://www.johnkanary.com

    Onder Hassan
    Participant

    For the longest time, i’ve always had doubts in my own abilities to the point where I would put off doing things for the fear of failing or making a fool out of myself. This was especially true in my teens and early twenties when I suffered from massive social anxiety and procrastination.

    I’ve since managed to resolve this issue and make drastic improvements in my life but would like to know. How does it make you feel when going through the same problems, and what did you do to resolve it?

    #35129

    In reply to: Help forgiving myself?

    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    Hello Isabelle,

    The first piece of advice I would give you would be – take a breath and calm down. You are clearly in a bad state at the moment because of what has happened and your anxiety is causing you not to think clearly. You need to put some time and distance between the events of yesterday and how you are currently feeling. This might seem like the end of the world now but believe me it isn’t. One day you will look back on this calmly and view it as just an incident in your life. You might even see the funny side in it.

    Talk to your family about how you feel. It may be best for you to write down your feelings if you have difficulty expressing them verbally. Let your Mum know you want to find ways to make it up to her. You really need to talk to someone especially if you are seriously feeling suicidal.

    It may be that you are getting into a cycle of obsessive thought about this. It would do you good to calm down and try not to think about this for an hour or two. You could try meditation or if that doesn’t work for you try doing something engaging like watching a film.

    Secondly understand that your Mum will always love you no matter what. Yes you have disappointed her, but she also understands that young people make mistakes. I’m a parent too and no matter what my child does I will always love him, I have no doubts that your Mum feels the same.

    If you haven’t done so already I think you should tell someone about the crude behaviour of the security guard. Just because you had committed a crime does not mean that you should be abused in that manner.

    In the longer term, when you are feeling calm and able to look at this situation objectively you may want to ask yourself why you behaved in the way you did. You are clearly not the sort of person who enjoys this sort of behaviour so why did you do it? Did you give in to pressure your friends placed on you? You may want to sit with that for a while and work out why. It’s possible that you are a people pleaser and that you put other people’s needs and wishes in front of your own.

    Remember that you are very very young and everyone makes mistakes. There are no bad people only negative actions.

    #34976
    anne
    Participant

    I was mildly depressed without realising it in a previous, rather controlling relationship (we were engaged to be married), partly from him and also lots unresolved emotional teenage issues that I just ignored. He didn’t understand mental health at all, and as a result was unsupportive to the point I was too scared to express my thoughts for fear of rejection – I was about to turn 30, had been seriously ill and didn’t think anyone else would ever want me.. Which 2 years on I realise is UTTER CRAP and if he really did love me, he would of stuck by me and helped rather than leaving me to go to the depths of despair that pretty much had me thinking suicide was a far better idea than living – this is never a real option! Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem – and one you will overcome!

    Fortunately after a dabble in severe depression and anxiety caused by a number of major life events I’ve met someone wonderful, who ‘gets me’ and loves me for who I am. ~I never thought it would be possible to heal my heart nor mind at times but one thing I did learn was that you have to learn to love yourself before you can be truly loved. He challenges me on my views and supports me fully and even after spending an evening holding my hand in a&e on Sunday night whilst I was being very cranky and in pain, made me realise he is the one for me.

    Your quote ‘i feel like a horrible person’ makes me sad. You really are not – you just are thinking the wrong way and focusing on all the negatives in your life, which overshadow all the wonderful things. Is everything you do horrible? Are you horrible because your brushed your teeth this morning? Are you horrible that you have realised you need support? No no and no! You are strong – you wouldn’t be here otherwise!

    Also parents are funny beings. How mine ever got together and had my brother and me has left me often wondering HOW??!! They had a vile relationship, which undoubtedly has affected me (and my brother) – same goes for my boyfriend – his parents too had a horrible relationship but you know what – you are not them! It is physically impossible to be them or even know what’s in their heads. Your life is for living as you want – not how they see fit or have done. Use them as an example to learn from not be affected by. You can’t change the past so don’t try to change things you can’t. Just be the best you can and support them as best as you can.

    I did 6 weeks of REBT therapy earlier this year, which was brilliant and completely changed my way of thinking and my life. It wasn’t easy at times, often resulting in tears and anger but the therapy taught me to enjoy life again, engage with it and appreciate what I have – not what I don’t have. A great tool was from ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ book of writing down all the positive things that happened in your day and never the negative stuff! I also have a pink fairy book of gratitude that I write down positive comments in and thoughts, its handy when you have low days. Which I still do but they are fortunately in the minority and no longer the majority.

    Good luck and don’t ever feel alone. embrace life, open your heart and love – don’t be afraid!

    #34952
    Nick
    Participant

    Hi,
    I’ve been a long time reader of the site but have never used the forums before. The articles posted on the blog typically help me reflect, but the situation I’m in now has me in a bit of a pickle.

    I’m a 22 year old male that is graduating college soon. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 3.5 years and we were planning on moving in together once I graduated (he’s a year ahead of me). I knew I wanted to live with him after I graduated. I finally found a job that pays well in the same city as him. I was feeling confident. Everything was finally falling into place. But then, about a month ago, he told me that he cheated. He explained the scenario: it was a random guy that he met that night at a bar. He was drunk, the guy didn’t sleep over, and he didn’t get his cell phone number/keep in contact. He felt horrible about it, and I was heartbroken.

    We decided to try and work through this and stay together. My bf also suffers from anxiety/depression which has gotten worse since the incident. He feels incredibly guilty about letting it happen. I feel so lost and unsure about what to do about our relationship at this point. It’s difficult to try and support him through his anxiety/depression when I too still feel hurt. I guess I understand it was a mistake and I’m not planning to try and get revenge, but I feel like I can’t focus on helping him right now.

    Last night he went out for the first time in a while (he stopped drinking until recently because of the incident). Today I found out he thought he lost his wallet, but later found it in the pantry. He left it there last night in his state of drunkenness. I don’t know how to trust him again. I feel like as long as he drinks I will always be unsure. And I don’t think I can ask him to stop, we are young and enjoy having a good time and going out. I know nothing happened last night, but in a few months from now everything will be back to how they were. How can I be sure he won’t cheat on me again? I don’t know what to do. I’m not even entirely sure what I’m unsure about! Up until the incident, we had a great relationship and love each other very much.

    I’m just not sure at what point it’s worth breaking up and focusing on ourselves. Or when it’s time to take a leap of faith and move in together.

    • This topic was modified 11 years ago by Nick.
    #34920

    Hello, I think it is so wonderful you have discovered meditation and feel calmer as a result and as a writer, I agree it so helps to write stuff down. I feel strongly that since you already know you are responsible for yourself and your emotions and are taking steps towards self-awareness, you will not follow in your parents footsteps. It is unfortunate that they are using you to vent about their problems, but you have the ability to try and stop this. You are already very clear about your own feelings, so why not say them? Since your parents seem to have no boundaries and you have not yet developed your own, why not put some in place now? It is as simple as saying “I love you and I know you are a great person, but I feel nervous and sad when you xxxxxx. Please respect my feelings and don’t xxxxxx with me anymore. Honestly I feel anxiety and just want to run away when you say negative and mean things to me about mom/dad.” There is a great assertiveness tool that I learned years ago, which so helped me with setting boundaries, called “broken record” which means you say what you feel like one of the above sentences, and when the other person comes back with a “yes, but I really need to share this with you” You reply, I understand, and repeat your original statement…eventually they get the message. You keep on reinforcing the boundary by repeating what you want…

    I truly hope this helps.

    Love and peace,

    Marilyn

    #34856
    green77
    Participant

    Hi,

    I need some insight about my parents. My father and mother drive each other crazy. My father has a short temper and whenever I look at either of them, I start feeling nervous and sad. My father constantly comes to me and wants to “talk serious” about separation and moving away from my mother. However, they both need each other financially and I know my father cannot live alone. They always come to me and want to talk about their problems with the other party. But honestly, I feel anxiety and just want to run away. I do not like the feeling of my dad saying mean and negative things about my mom. And I don’t like it when she unloads all her feelings about him onto me either. But I really don’t think they see how negatively those words affect me. I can’t help my parents. They do not seek professional help. I sometimes feel like they almost subconsciously revel in hating each other. But it makes me so depressed…some days I want nothing more than have loving parents that cannot look past each other’s flaws and accept each other.

    Another thing that worries me is that I will become like them one day. Although they both have positive attributes and are great people in many ways, I can tell they both have very deep seated emotional and maybe psychological issues. It breaks my heart when I see them the way they are sometimes.

    I have started to meditate about a year ago, and I really think it has allowed me to step back on my situation and let myself become calmer and more accepting. I realized a few months ago, it’s not my responsibility for them to have a good relationship. Also meditation has taught me to realize my destiny and my emotions are in my own hands. I see in my parents a lack of control, a real loss of freedom. And all I can do is be supportive but at the same time distance myself from their negativity. I also feel like this is one of the things holding me back from truly being able to let go. I can’t let go of this idea that my family is so dysfunctional and I will one day inevitably become like that.

    I think just writing this has helped me feel a lot better, but I would really like some perspective from others on how I should approach this difficult situation. Thank you very much in advance.

    #34471
    Pip
    Participant

    Thank you for your thoughtful and considerate responses, it never fails to fill me with gratitude when another person shares their experiences, despite reliving painful memories. Finding this site has been so helpful, particularly as I have just finished reading Loris book. My cry for help was about lifting the fog, trying to hear my inner voice through the confusion, conflict and hurt. I didn’t want it to be an exercise of self indulgence. I am and have been ignoring my inner voice all due to fear and crippling insecurity, but I know I have to embrace the fear, exercise the heart muscle and let it all it to finally process. Its gone on to long, this is an awful, unproductive way to live. Life is to short to be miserable when you can choose happiness, embrace your values and be true to yourself.

    My head and heart have been saying different things, I truly haven’t considered my own self worth and neglected any self love or care because its feels more natural to extend this to another, despite being used and walked over, foolish I know. I find it very difficult to self love, the way I speak to myself is abhorrent and this is something I’m working hard to change. To see me at work or with my children you would confuse me with another, I function at a high level, I can hide anxiety which unfortunately then manifests physically in my body. I know there is no instant cure nor is there an instant answer to anything.

    So, I know face fear, insecurity and worry as I have pushed them away because the physical pain of them and what I was losing stopped me. I have a man who loves me but has betrayed my trust, respect and has been unfaithful. We are in counselling and I am hearing that everything I feel is natural and normal which is sad that I need another person to validate me, and I still have trouble hearing and believing that. What I have determined is that I will no longer apologise for my truths and I hold my values to my heart. I know I deserve better and I know I have to forgive another human for the hurt and failings, my worry is if I can manage this. Everything has changed and I have to think and accept if what we are now is acceptable to me. I worry about regret, being alone, shame but I know they fade when you truly accept what makes you happy and what your prepared to let go.

    The wonderful suggestion of writing has been so cathartic, I am looking back at old letters to myself and see that they are compassionate and loving. I try to imagine what I would say to a good friend. I have quieten the catastrophic thinking, I understand the work I need to do on and for myself, I know its ok to ask and except time to work out what I need and want, at the end of the day, I just want to be happy and that is my responsibility. This forum and your shared response have been so gratefully received, I cant express that gratitude knowing someone has given their time to give thoughtful, positive responses

    #34142
    Tom
    Participant

    Hey Pip, Just like Tengui, I created an account on here just to respond to you. I am a male in my mid 20s. I am literally going through the same situation as you except she is the one invoking those feelings inside of me.

    We started off wonderfully. She was great, we were great. We were together for over a year, I got a great job across the state, proposed, then we moved. Life was good. We went out, enjoyed each other, had a blast in the new city. Life was moving. Then, she just started with the same stuff you are talking about. She wasn’t happy with her job/career path. This obviously impacted her mood and caused doubts in herself. I have been extremely supportive, loving, caring, ..everything. Hey self discontent has caused her to push me away, introduced distrust and dishonestly from her part, and generally caused her to doubt herself and us. I started changing from a confident, charismatic, and happy person to someone with anxiety, trust issues, doubting myself, fearing the next time I get a panic attack or anxiety attack, and trying to give more of myself in hopes that things would get better.

    I am currently at this exact point in my relationship. Previously when things like this have happened or it has gotten to this stage, it would have caused me anxiety, and caused me to do anything in the world to keep her. Recently I just realized that the person I was has changed for the worse. I am not happy with that. I am not being cocky, but I think I am a great looking guy. I keep myself in shape, I have a great career, I am a really nice guy, and I have no problems talking to anyone and everyone. Then I just noticed, I had no confidence with women anymore. I actually got nervous talking to them. It has been 100% linked to the way I have been treated and the way I have allowed myself to feel. I am not going to blame these feelings on her. Sure, she was the root cause, however, I allowed her actions (or lack there of) to make me feel the way I was feeling.

    I noticed I was no longer a happy person and I could not put my finger on it. I would wake up and go to work to do a job I really enjoy and have enjoyed in the past, but then think to myself “I have everything I need and want, why can’t I be happy with that?” I started to think that maybe I was a depressed person and not capable of being happy like everyone else. Then everything just came to a breaking point. I started thinking about me, myself, and who I am. Not who I want to be, or who I want to be with, or what I enjoy doing. I starting asking myself, honestly, who am I? I realized that I have not been asking myself this question often enough. I was putting emotions and feelings that made me uncomfortable away, deep inside of me. I was thinking that my relationship was great, when it really wasn’t.

    Once I set out to sit down, and listen to my inner emotions and actually address them and feel them, did I really start to feel happier. This site actually got me to start writing down my feelings in my moleskine everyday. It’s just therapeutic to just write about your feelings, analyze them, and without structure or thought. Then when I went back and reread what I just wrote, it was as if discussing my problems with someone who knows EXACTLY what I am going through. I was able to break down the barrier of what was bothering me and who I really was by just facing my emotions. I found out that the confident person I was is still there, I just allowed myself to slowly forget about my true self in order to try to project some fake happiness. I realized that I can only truly be happy when I am myself.

    Previously when I would have these issues with my fiancee, it would 100% guarantee an anxiety filled day or week following. I would let my negative emotions snowball causing irrational thoughts and trying to envision every scenario and it’s outcome. I am very proud of myself to say that last week has been the most positive and happiest week I have had in a very long time. I know that in the end, no matter what, I WILL be alright. I WILL be happy someday. I WILL be valued by the person I am in a relationship. I WILL be loved, I WILL have someone who is loyal and deserves the amount of love that I give them. If that isn’t in this relationship, then it will be in another. I am a stronger person now. This situation has made me stronger and better equipped in the future to deal with painful and difficult emotions and situations.

    Please take some time to yourself and truly examine those painful and repressed emotions. Write if you need to, but don’t short change yourself. At first it will be difficult, you will cry, feel depressed, angry, made, …everything. Then when you start to see that these emotions and feelings aren’t as scary or upsetting as you initially thought, especially after you have faced them, you will notice that you are finding yourself and your center again.

    Please smile. I promise things will workout. One way or the other they always do. In the end you WILL be happy. Whatever the end is. My favorite quote in times like these: “This too shall pass”

    #34104
    Onder Hassan
    Participant

    Depression is very common when in a relationship. I know because it has always been perhaps the main reason why the majority of my past relationships failed.
    Being very young at the time, I would say it was all to do with lack of experience in not knowing how to effectively manage my emotions and feelings.

    When you genuinely love someone, that feeling is very easy to transform into obsession if it isn’t managed properly. It’s a very common condition, which affects many people.
    You begin to develop jealousy, paranoia and a feeling of hopelessness where you almost feel lost without your partner. This results in neediness and anxiety issues.

    It wasn’t until I was out of the relationship that i realized where I was going on and knew that the biggest thing I should have changed was my lifestyle.

    It’s very common for couples to give up most of their lifestyle in order to better fit their partner, and spend most of his/her time with them, which eventually starts to cause a strain in the relationship. Because of this massive strain, either one or both of them begins to feel heavily invested, which what begins kick starts the symptoms I mentioned above.

    With this experience in mind, I understood that in order to keep a healthy perspective in your relationship, you MUST ensure that you lead a balanced life. Focus on a balanced lifestyle by incorporating things you’re happy with and one that makes you fulfilled. Take part in hobbies you enjoy, have ambition, spend time with friends and family and above all, your personal health.

    If you do this, you’ll find that your relationships will feel much better and not feel like you need to be in one in order to be happy. In other words, you’ll be in it for the right reasons instead of in it due to wanting to fill a void in yourself.

    If you can get in a place where you want your partner rather than need them in your life, then you’ll have developed a solid foundation to build on.

    #34003
    April V. Wheeler
    Participant

    I noticed that I only paint or draw when I am feeling very, very anxious.
    I am usually a person who writes a lot, but sometimes my anxiety is too overwhelming and this is when I draw or paint a lot, as a way to seek relief from worries.
    It relaxes me more than writing.

    What are you looking for/ what are you seeing in painting and drawing?

    #33996

    In reply to: Money Challenges

    April V. Wheeler
    Participant

    This is exactly where I am now. I moved countries to be with my boyfriend (I am French, but I was living in Ireland during three years, and he moved to London to get a job), and I never found a good job because I don’t have to relevant qualification yet. I struggle with money, my parents are able to help me sometimes but they also have their own problems and I feel very guilty to be a burden for them, even though they always make me feel good about needing help.
    My only income is private tuitions in French, it’s not very interesting and it doesn’t pay much. Also, I have a different income each month as it depends on how many students take classes with me. I usually have enough to pay the rent, pay for transport… and that’s it really. My boyfriend works part-time and is in a similar situation.

    What I find helpful, as I get very, very anxious about it, is to make lists of projects, constantly.

    Instead of using my anxiety as an excuse to do nothing, I use it when I need a push.

    When I feel lazy and worried and tired and completely depressed… I just tell myself that I don’t want that life anymore, and that change won’t come out of the blue. There are positive things out there and I have to get up and get them. I can’t afford to feel sorry for myself too long because I need to actually act and make a change in my life.

    This is what gives me the energy to apply for training programmes to have a better qualification, this is what gives me the energy to give more tuitions even though I am also working in a dissertation in literature, this is what gives me strenght to get up and do things instead of “just” worrying about the future.

    I use it as a push. I have a lot of hope that somehow, someday, things will be a bit easier on me 🙂

    #33953

    In reply to: Overcoming anxiety

    Ariella
    Participant
    #33940

    In reply to: Overcoming anxiety

    Gardenia
    Participant

    Here are some ways that I get rid of anxiety:

    1. Deep breathing

    2. Smiling

    3. Counting blessings in life

    4. Spending time outside

    5. Listening to music

    6. Creating

    7. Spending time with loved ones

    8. Reading

    9. Marijuana

    10. Aromatherapy

    11. Physical activity

    12. Cleaning and organizing

    13. Hot shower or bath

    14. Road trips

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