Menu

Posts tagged with “Help”

Want to Help Someone Through Depression? Here Are a Few Things to Try

By

“There were two classes of charitable people: one, the people who did a little and made a great deal of noise; the other, the people who did a great deal and made no noise at all.” ~Charles Dickens

“It’ll be okay, just…”

If I could have taken that expression and thrown it at each person who said it to me when I was struggling with depression, it would have felt much better than hearing it each time.

Here are a few ways people ended that sentence:

“Try not to think about it.”

“Cheer up.”

“Get some exercise.“

“See someone …

Please Don’t Fix Me: What True Empathy Is (And Isn’t)

By

“No one mentioned until I was in late middle age that—horribly!—my good, helpful ideas for other grown-ups were not helpful. That my help was in fact sometimes toxic. That people needed to defend themselves from my passionate belief that I had good ideas for other people’s lives. I did not know that help is the sunny side of control.”  ~Anne Lamott

I’m a well-meaning empath.

If you share your problems with me, I’ll quickly make them my own. I’ll listen intently, feel deeply, and want to help. I’ll give you advice and solutions you didn’t ask for, then be annoyed …

How to Stop Rescuing Other People to Feel Good About Yourself

By

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~Jack Kornfield

It seemed like the natural thing to do.

A middle-aged man had dropped his keys near me. I jumped up, hopped over, picked the keys up, and gave them back to him.

Not so unusual, except I had a badly twisted ankle after slipping on a walking holiday and needed to rest it while the pain and swelling went down. I struggled back to my seat, wincing.

It was a small incident but symbolic of my rescuing, codependent, instinctive habits at the time. If something needed doing, I …

Toxic Help: 3 Signs Your Support Is Doing More Harm Than Good

By

“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ~John Holmes

As someone who people often come to seeking help or advice, I recently encountered a new situation for me: one in which I chose to stop helping someone and walk away entirely because I determined it wasn’t good—for the other person or myself.

It felt like the wrong thing to do, but once I had some distance, I knew I had made the right decision. Throughout the helping, I soldiered on and helped and helped and helped until it no longer felt good, …

What I Really Mean When I Say I’m Fine (Spoiler: I’m Not)

By

“Tears are words that need to be written.” ~Paulo Coelho

It was lovely to see you today. I haven’t seen you in such a long time. So much has happened since the last time we saw each other.

You asked me how I was. I politely replied, “I’m fine” and forced a smile that I hoped would be believable. It must have worked. You smiled back and said, “I’m so glad to hear that. You look great.”

But I’m not really fine. I haven’t been fine for a very long time, and I wonder if I will ever know what …

I Was Addicted to Helping People – Here’s Why It Made Me Miserable

By

“As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.” ~Maya Angelou

Growing up in Africa, I was told that the virtue and worth of a woman lies in her ability to take care of everyone around her; that a woman was considered good or worthy when everyone around her was happy and pleased with her. I took this advice to heart, especially since I watched my mother meet this standard to a T. Putting everyone else, including strangers, above herself.

Most of the Things We Learn as Kids

…

The Key to Helping a Person Who Is Depressed

By

“Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.” ~Unknown

Depression for me is like constantly walking up a hill.

Most of the time the hill has only a one percent gradient. You can hardly even tell it’s a hill. I walk, run, jump, skip along, doing cartwheels and stopping to smell pretty flowers and listen to bird-calls; it’s sunny and warm, with clear blue skies.

Even though I have to put in a little bit of effort to walk up, times are good.

And then something happens in …

The Real Superhero

By

Compassion Is the Key to Overcoming Hardship (and Insomnia)

By

“You can never know how many lives you’ve touched, so just know it’s far more than you think. Even the tiniest acts of love, kindness, and compassion can have a massive ripple effect. You have made the world a better place, even if it doesn’t seem like it.” ~Lori Deschene

I never had trouble sleeping until I got divorced. I never had a nervous breakdown either. Bankruptcy, fighting for custody of my children, and losing my business and my home definitely pushed things over the edge.

What made matters worse is that unabated, stress-related sleep deprivation can lead to …

Some People Aren’t Good at Asking for Help

By

When People Want to Help but Just Make Things Worse

By

When I was fourteen years old, my family spent a week of vacation in the northwoods of Minnesota. We rode horses, sailed on the lake, sang songs around a campfire, and all the other things most teenagers tell their parents is lame. Even if they are having fun.

After this week of boring, according to me, my family loaded up into our van and began what should have been a five-hour drive home.

Except it wasn’t five hours.

Thirty minutes into the drive we were in a head-on car collision. Triaged and transported to different hospitals around the area, it …

What to Do When Someone You Love is Struggling

By

“Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem.” ~ Jonathan Mead

I don’t think I’m alone in having someone in my life whom I wish I could change. Someone I see struggling, who ignores or resents any lifesavers I send their way. I can clearly see how this person contributes to their own struggles, but they remain totally unaware of it. Sometimes, I want to shake some sense into this person; I think, “If only they would get their life together…”

For many of us, this person is a relative: a sister, …

How to Help Without Hurting Yourself and Avoid Healer Burnout

By

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron

The technical term is Baader-Meinhof phenomenon. This is when one stumbles upon a new, unfamiliar, or unusual piece of information, and soon encounters that same subject again, within a short time, sometimes repeatedly.

So, for example, you decided to take the plunge for that hipster, purple hair streak that you thought was so punk rock, but now you see it on everyone.

You have recently been car shopping, narrowing it down to a couple of choices, and now Honda Fits are …

The Art of Saying No: Lessons from a Caregiver

By

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

There it is again. Another person asks me for help. There’s a sharp pull inside of me to stop what I am doing and give.

And the internal struggle comes up.

I should just say yes and help them. What’s it take to write out a few text lines? An extra phone call? It’s not so bad, I tell myself. You are, after all, a caregiver.

My internal voice is so strong. It has been with me for a long time, this …

Why My Chronic Illness Can’t Stop Me from Making a Difference in the World

By

“We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” ~Mary Dunbar

What is one eye-opening experience should everyone have?

I stumbled upon this question a few weeks ago and it got me into deep introspection.

The first thing that came to my mind made me feel both happy and sad. The smile faded as soon as it crossed my face.

Let me explain…

My Eye-Opening Experience

One eye-opening experience I had and believe everyone should have is spending time with poor kids.

I love children.

I’m …

You Can’t Change or Fix People, So Listen Instead

By

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” ~Ernest Hemingway

The chances are good that at some point in your life you had to deal with a loved one who consistently frustrated you. They were caught in a destructive pattern of behavior that made life difficult for them and everyone around them. How do you cope when this happens?

Perhaps you start avoiding them. And when that’s not possible, you choose to check out of any difficult conversation or interaction you’re having with them. You resign yourself to the belief that your loved one cannot and will not change …

Why No One Wants Unsolicited Advice (and What Actually Helps)

By

“To meet complaint with unrequested council earns for the advisor a fortune of hidden contempt.” ~Greek Proverb

When people start dumping their complaints and woeful stories on you, how do you respond?

Do you see it as your golden opportunity to be of help to them?

Do you make it your mission to put your wealth of knowledge and wisdom to good use by coaching them through their difficulties?

I mean, isn’t this a great chance to share the extent of your wisdom and understanding, and also be of help to someone in their time of need?

But the most …

There Are Some People You Just Can’t Help

By

“Be there. Be open. Be honest. Be kind. Be willing to listen, understand, accept, support, and forgive. This is what it means to love.” ~Lori Deschene

A few months ago, I was totally freaked out.

I was having a cup of tea with a soul-sister friend, and we were in deep conversation. I was crying.

I was explaining, between hiccupping sobs, about how there was someone in my life who was suffering deeply.

Sitting at the café that day, I said to her, “There is this person in my life that I love so deeply, but he is suffering.”

I …

Help People

By

How to Be There for Others Without Taking on Their Pain

By

“Letting go helps us to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.” ~Melody Beattie

When our loved ones suffer, it’s hard not to get swept up in their pain. We want so desperately to fix them, to take away their hardship, and to see them flourishing.

As a control freak, I often find myself going into “fixer mode” when my partner is struggling with …