Dear Peace,

congratulations on becoming a mom! I’m happy for you! <3 I’m also glad that you’re happy in your marriage and have a good, caring husband.

Wishing you continued peace and happiness! Take care! <3

Dear Peace: I read your post and see how distressed you are. I want to reread parts of our communication in regard to your family and get back to you within the next hour or two.

Dear Peace:

I just completed 2 hours of re-reading our past communication, including Tee’s (under a bit different screen name) valuable communication with you over the years.

You wrote today: “Now that I am here from last 1.5 months and want to stay here till December and I have met my siblings, I am feeling very heavy inside. I regret thinking so negatively about them — believing they only cared about money and not about me. I don’t know how much they care, but the idea that they were only interested in money kept torturing me, and now I feel full of regret for having those thoughts…

“I realize how much pain and hardship they are living with. Now I feel my assumptions were wrong. I shouldn’t have thought like that. I feel extremely heavy inside, as if I became the worst version of myself. I feel like I disappointed myself, because that wasn’t who I am in my heart. I don’t know how I became so harsh. They did come to me for help, but I refused to support them financially because I thought they were using me like an ATM. Now the guilt is eating me.”-

The first time you talked about Guilt may have been Feb 2018 (under a different account, screen name: Princess123): “I am guilty because I know (boyfriend at the time) is very sensitive.. I just think how he is doing.. if he is hurting from this break up? I don’t want to hurt anyone”. 

On May 6, 2020, in this account, you titled your first thread: “Guilty or not?” (the very first word in this account was “Guilty”).

You wrote in your first post as “Peace”:

“He (boyfriend at the time) made me feel so guilty I just wanted to cry at that moment.. I felt I’m the cruel person on this earth for doing this to him.. Now, I m just stressing out… Sometimes I just want to break up but then, the guilt start killing me..”

Fast forward five years, five months and 25 days (fast forward a marriage and a child), back to India, the place where you were born, where you grew up- and here’s the Guilt, back big time, eating you (“Now the guilt is eating me.”)

(I just read your most recent post, asking me to take my time).

Well, I am quite tired, peace, so, I’ll get straight to the point:

You are a good person, you care about doing the right thing by people. You are conscientious. You care about people: your family members and non-family. You care about me taking my time.

* You are not a bad person for having any of the thoughts that go through your mind, nor for the feelings that come and go.

There is a saying: “Hurt people hurt people” (I think I got the wording right, not sure).

Your mother, your sisters, cousins.. hurt themselves, proceeded to either neglect you or hurt you with critical comments and judgments.

They were so hurt/ neglected themselves.. they proceeded to neglect or hurt you.

And in al that going-on, all that massive neglect and abuse that you suffered growing up and onward, how could you have possibly turn out to be a perfect specimen of some kind, an unaffected human (thinking and feeling perfect thoughts and perfect feelings, not to mention choosing perfect action all the time). It’s impossible!

First, you are not responsible for the conditions you were born into, the prejudices, the poverty, the neglect and abuse that people suffered before you were even born.

Whatever you chose wrong in your past: forgive yourself, let go of regret and hold yourself accountable only for today, only for what you say and do today (not for yesterday).

This is what I do.

I suffered from more guilt than I can express in words. Much of it was for things and people I was born into (a baby is not responsible.. right, Peace?)

The fact that your sisters, or a few of them suffer, does not mean that they did not cause you unnecessary suffering, or that they will not do so in the future. Like I said: hurt people hurt people (until they hold themselves accountable each and every day).

I am sorry to read about your sister with the severely autistic child who is unsupported and mistreated by her husband, or your sister who wants to get pregnant but can’t, or the other abroad.

But remember, you are not responsible for their misfortunes or for their choices.

Be there for them, listen to them (if you can), be present for them. Don’t try to fix their problems, just be there for them, listening, empathetic. That’s all that you can do.. and it can make a positive difference, however small.

The Serenity Prayer says: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference”.

I hope this helps.. a bit?

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Peace:

Thank you so much for your appreciation and kindness 🙂

“The guilt I feel for speaking badly about them, without knowing the full story, really triggers me. I want to make things right, but I feel like the only way to do that is by carrying this heavy burden.”-

Is your Guilt saying to you: (1) Let’s look at what you did wrong, if you did wrong, and then make it right?

Or is it saying to you: (2) I want you to suffer, you deserve to suffer, so there..(delivering the pan)..?

* If it’s saying the 1st thing, let’s look at what you did wrong, if you did wrong: you spoke badly about them.. did your words hurt them, caused them pain? Are your words about them shared here, in your thread.. which they have never read?

If your words did reach them and caused them pain, there are ways for you to do all you can to correct, to make amends with them, to apologize etc.

* If it’s saying the 2nd thing: what would be the point of you suffering when you either did no wrong in this case, of if you did, but corrected it, made amends, etc.?

“I’m also curious to understand better — what childhood guilt are you referring to when you mentioned your own experiences?”-

I felt very guilty for making my mother’s life miserable (she told me so).. Unlike your mother who didn’t say much, my mother said a whole lot, shaming and guilt-tripping me. I believed her and suffered terrible guilt for decades.

I suffered a lot and non of my suffering made me a better person. Quite the opposite, it made me a worse person as far as my actions went.

Suffering from guilt needs to be limited and lead to correcting wrongdoing, or wrong saying. Once that’s done, suffering guilt is counter productive to mental health. It’s harmful.

With gratitude back to you, Peace, a pleasure speaking with you!

🤍 Anita