Anita

Thank you for being a source of care in my life whenever I need it, and challenging me.

I woke up this morning and cried alot thinking about the woman i met this time last year who ended up lying and cheating on me, because i am going on a camping trip to the same Forrest i visited with her which was also the day before i found out she had been lying. I have been thinking about this alot and ill spare you the details but ultimately im upset with myself for still missing her and wanting to care for her, because i know she is exactly what i DON’T need in my life, i dont need to be trying to save people. I did meet a woman a couple weeks ago and quickly cut it off after i realized i was attracted to her pain as she just got out of an abusive relationship. I cried for her too as i somehow felt like i was abandoning her and should have tried to help. The irony is that i met another woman that same week who im still seeing who is confident and independent yet she doesn’t give me the same feeling as someone in need, i’m even more physically attracted to her too, yet it doesn’t feel “right”

Im so tired of myself right now. Trying to find my wholeness in another person. Continuing to be attracted to the most wounded people. Wanting someone to be dependent on me so I can have a false sense of safety. I’m disgusted with myself.

I take seriously every critique you offer me, and I have been trying to become more aware as you suggest. I’ve really been trying to pay attention to what attracts/excites me, and it is 100% pain. I’m almost exclusively attracted to pain. No surprise given my childhood. What i’m struggling most with right now is trying to figure out how to change this and be attracted to health in others and myself. Also how to accept and love myself because i think this is still a problem for me as I try to heal others pain in hopes that i will receive love from them. I have been meditating, and journaling again for the past few weeks as an attempt to heighten my awareness though nothing is really jumping out at me as to what i need to change.

I’ve also been questioning if maybe my troubles continue because of a lack of self acceptance and patience. I wonder if posting on here, or trying so hard to find wholeness is actually working against me because it means i’m trying to eliminate a part of myself that will always be there, instead of treating myself with compassion while continuing to try to work on this stuff. I tend to get angry with myself for not being more compassionate towards myself.

Thank you for reading this, I know It seems like I’m not learning sometimes but I promise i am trying with all of this, im so tired of looking outside myself for answers and love.

Im referring to the part of myself that is a perfectionist and always trying to improve or fix myself as if i’m somehow broken. Sometimes i wonder if trying too hard to fix myself is actually the problem, or if there is even a problem at all. It’s very frustrating constantly criticizing my every thought and action. Does that make more sense?

Anita

Thank you for your reply. I know I post with the same problems often, and to me sometimes I feel I’m being redundant, but I think it takes a reminder or reflection from outside myself to help me refocus on what it is that is really bothering me.

A month or two ago I went through a 2-3 week period of feeling really good about myself, feeling, believing, and acting as if I was a good person. Somehow that feeling faded when I tried to start be more outgoing and dating again, and the belief that I’m bad tries to take over when I’m vulnerable with people.

I think I’m beginning to understand feeling better about myself, and contentment as a process. Each time I find myself in a slump I discover something new that allows me to move toward a more balanced, compassionate, and realistic view of myself.

One of the hardest questions for myself continues to be whether or not I’m the cause of the depressive episodes I experience. If I’m understanding correctly I am not the cause. The cause is still this belief that I somehow don’t deserve to be loved by others, or even myself.

I still don’t understand why I miss people who mistreated me the most, always asking myself what I could’ve done differently to have kept them around. Is it me trying to help them? Or is it a continuing addiction to self harm that serves as an escape from a lonely reality I don’t want to face? That reality being that I deserve love, respect, honesty. I don’t know exactly why I keep choosing to hate myself when I don’t have to.

Anita

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Again I find your guidance to be exactly what I need to hear. I appreciate your patience with me more than anything. We have had this same discussion about my core belief of being defective, or bad many many times now. Not too many people have ever been patient enough with me to explore all the symptomatic tangents my mind goes on to bring my focus back to the cause of my pain.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how you said i’m paying the price for being removed from awareness. I think that statement is true because in this latest depressive episode i barely cried at all, i was more numb than anything. A sign to me that I am disconnected from myself. I don’t really know whats going on sometimes, why i get depressed out of what seems nowhere, in these episodes i feel very numb and I believe it’s my mind/body’s pattern of trying to protect me from being open to the possibility of harm. However, I know i can do better than being numb. Sometimes i want to cry.

The last crying episode i had saturday morning allowed me to realize im still holding on scraps of love in the past. Even though i am loved right now, i feel as if i can never have enough. I’ve been trying to be more open to the idea of transient love in my life, that people may not always be accessible to me, to let go some and stop trying to hold people so tightly to make sure they are around for ever which is impossible.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by noname.