Anita,

I have to agree with you, me and my sister are still waiting on our parents. I had this conversation with my sisters boyfriend a couple of days ago, he said the same thing you did about my sister, that shes still waiting on my dad to change. I try to be conscious of this desire for fixing but it is very difficult sometimes. I notice I’m ambivalent about my parents approval, it feels good when it’s there and when it’s not I try not to value their judgment but obviously you cant have one without the other, placing any value on their whatsoever is the same as being dependent on them for my emotional well being, which is a slippery slope I’ve spent most of my life sliding down.

Theres still quite a bit of shame involved in this process of detachment. It’s hard for me because I use my dad’s tools to rebuild my car, and I have had to borrow money a couple times in school from them. I know this detachment needs to happen though, its just hard being somewhat dependent on people for basic needs and also standing my ground when it comes to boundaries. Just being in my dad’s presence makes me anxious and angry, when I look at him I see all of the pain he’s caused me and my family yet I have to swallow that feeling or else I wouldn’t be permitted to be around him because theres no room for me and my feelings with my dad just his.

While you may feel I’m not trying at all with this, I am very much. My current financial situation with being in school is really the only reason I talk to my dad, and believe me i absolutely hate taking help from him. I’ve been resenting him more and more having to directly take care of him this week, it’s making me sick writing this. I did not want to take care of him at all but again I did it to help my sister out.

I became depressed upon arriving at my sister’s house last week, knowing I’m in no position to cut contact with my father at the moment. We never talk anyway unless we need something from the other. I dont see myself as waiting for my dad to heal, I’ve given up on that, however I acknowledge my actions speak differently. I very much pity both of my parents, and I help them out of shame. Of course I want to stop, I’m much happier alone and away from their never ending demands and favor asking. I got kind of angry that you think I’m still trying to fix them, but it’s because I know you’re right, the only reason I want them fixed is so they can stop stressing me and my sister so much. The other side to that is that if I have no desire to fix them then I have no reason to stress. The problem for me Is that I cant see my sister without seeing one or the other in most cases. I really miss when I could drop by my sisters house and have a private conversation about life, now I have to edit everything and dont get to be real because my mom is always around and in everybody’s business.

How to keep myself well while being financially dependent on parents who are not helpful to me?

Hello again Anita,

I hope all is well with you. Thank you for your holiday wishes.

I am grateful to be back at my apartment after last week. Being around my family for 2 weeks helped me raise awareness about some of my feelings about them and myself. To answer your question I suppose I do pity them for having me as a son. I see myself as needy and it’s true I am in need. I dont attach too strongly to that belief anymore in the context of my parental relationship though it is still present at times, but most often I notice this feeling of “neediness” which is closely tied to my feelings of worthlessness and unlovability in platonic or romantic relationships.

This judgment of myself as needy, worthless, and unlovable is why I’m still posting here, & still going to group therapy. I’m becoming afraid of myself again, I want to be clear though I am not suicidal and not threatening it either. Though yesterday after I got home from internship and class around 2pm I just broke down, some of my classmates invited me to lunch since we got out early. I declined because I had in my mind these thoughts exactly “they don’t actually like you, their just being nice, you’re going to do or say something stupid and ruin it for everybody, best you get away from people as quickly as possible so you dont end up causing problems” while at home I began downward spiral that went on close to midnight, I ate 2 bananas for dinner because I was too beat to cook or leave the house. I smoked, drank, & cried the rest of the night, lying in my bed wondering what I’m doing wrong that I cant be loved. I had the very specific urge to cut myself which hasn’t happened in almost a year, the longest I’ve went without physical self harm since a teenager. This was very alarming since I havent had such a feeling in a long time despite continued episodes of depression. I noticed this urge arise when i felt i had exercised all of my self-soothing attempts, which meant to me what I’m doing is not working well, obviously.

I finally texted my friend close to 11pm just to check on her. When she called I told her I just wanted to hear someone else’s voice, someone else’s problems. I didn’t want to talk about myself because I see it as a waste of time at this point. Even though she says it’s okay if I need to talk to her and to call anytime, i just cant because she is the only confidant i have at the present moment, and I’m afraid if I push her away then I’ll truly be without support with the exception of you and my therapist. While it is true I have other friends who care about she is the only one who I feel comfortable enough to call or text anytime. I dont want to abuse that though, as I feel like a burden, similar to my childhood.

I’m so lost right now, I want some relief but cant find it anywhere. My initial reaction to this is that I need closer connections with people. It seems ill start to get close with someone and then it fades. Ultimately I dont think I require much to be content, just 10mins a day of someone’s undivided attention would probably do, I just dont know how to make that happen. I am grateful for you Anita and my therapist because otherwise I dont know how I could get someone to care for me.

Anita,

I will post again later to update you, I’ve been doing well the past couple of weeks and I hope you are too.

I am experiencing a strong longing to be held recently and I’m not sure what to do about it. Otherwise I’m doing good. I feel loved and motivated, it’s just this hunger to be touched is driving me crazy and I’m not sure what to do about it I cried for a while this morning, which I was grateful for because i had been having difficulty getting in touch with what I was feeling. I’m taking care of my other emotions and others are helping me, but of course not everyone who cares about me can physically hold me. I let the pain run without intervening with an escape, but I would like to learn if you have any ideas about how to satisfy this need on my own.

Thank you Anita

Anita

Thanks for your last reply. I have been feeling more balanced, grateful, worthy, confident, and self loving for the past couple months. My depression has gotten so much more manageable. Ive been tracking my mood closely In January I spent 4days depressed this month I’ve only spent 2 days depressed. When I say I spent the day depressed I mean I didn’t leave my house. It’s strange because the days when I’m not depressed I’m usually either feeling decent or really good, my low grade sadness seems to be subsiding a bit. I’ll still be struggling financially for a couple more months but I graduate in less than 60days so I can see the light so to speak.

I’ve realized when I choose to be mindful, vulnerable, and grateful that it really inspires and attracts other people to me. I feel loved and cared for, and you have been a huge part of that caring for the past year or so. I’m so excited I’m doing a little better and feeling more confident despite my circumstances not having changed much.

Have a wonderful morning!

Anita

I hope you are doing well. I find myself here when there is no one sane enough in my life to seek a reflection. I have been doing mostly well since my last post with the exception of a recent depression that lasted about 2 weeks and seemed entirely out of my control. I have graduated and will be starting a new job hopefully by the end of the month once I get my license certification. However right now I am on extremely thin ice financially and I am cutting it super close with starting my new job. To say the least it’s been stressful but I’m almost out of the weeds and will be self sufficient within a month.

Im seriously considering not talking to my parents at all for good, I came home for Mother’s Day and a dentist appointment this weekend. When me, my brother in law, my sister and mom got back from mother’s day lunch, my dad had dropped off my moms van that he verbally agreed to fix as part of the divorce. However he did not fix it, and my mom became furious because she had been fixated on his new girlfriend because this woman told my dad to stop talking to my mom. Long story short my mom was threatening to drive the van into his house, and I grabbed her and wouldn’t let her get in the car, I told her to stop thinking about herself and think of me an my sister. She was very aggressive and rude towards me for trying to Deescalate the situation. I later yelled at her and stormed out of the house asking her to get her shit together, and take care herself so me and my sister don’t have to.

I’m torn, I don’t feel heard or respected in my family but I feel for my sister that she constantly has to deal with this bullshit while I’m an hour away. At the same time my sister is just as brainwashed as my mom. I was having a good week and started back on my path towards good mental health by meditating and journaling and exercise, then I come home for a day and I’m depressed all over again. I don’t think I can take anymore of this, but I don’t want to leave my sister alone, at the same time I’m lucky if I can get 5min a week of someones undivided attention at this point and I’m suffering because of it, plus I’m about to start doing therapy full time and don’t think I can handle it all.

Anita

Thanks for thinking of me!

Ive hesitated to cut ties with my parents mainly because I needed help through grad school, I wouldn’t have restarted contact with my dad if I didn’t need to buy a car from him, unfortunately when I started seeing him again in my moms mind it meant all is well and opened the door even more for her to try to “keep her family together” since we were all tolerating eachother again. I’m more ready to cut contact now that I’ve graduated and hopefully won’t need any financial help within a month or two. I know this needs to happen, I couldn’t sleep much last night thinking about it and now I’m angry that my parents childish ways have yet again disrupted my peace. This reminds of something my mom said the other day that our lives “are always full of drama” and I yelled back at her she’s part of the creation of the drama by having poor boundaries with an abuser. In a lot of ways I do the same thing complaining about the drama, but it only affects me if I remain attached. So In practicing what I preach I see it’s time to set my own boundaries and be healthy.

I’ve been letting fear run my life for too long. While I’ve made a huge amount of progress in my life, fear still seems to dominate a lot of my relationships. I’m always prepared to be let down by others but never prepared to be loved. I’ve reached a point where I simply can’t stand to let fear keep winning. I’m a deeply lonely man I’m lucky to get minutes of someone’s undivided attention per week. But I’m at a point now where I don’t want “luck” to have anything to do with my  well being. I’m so afraid to ask for help or ask for love, it’s always felt like a losing battle. However I know if I don’t figure it out fast I’m not going to last as a therapist despite my skills. I am the only single person out of all of my friends, every single one. It often feels like there must be something unlovable about me, and it’s really hard for me to get out of that mind state all  by myself.

Mill be moving into the house ive been living behind in August with my friend I met last year in school. I’m excited because she’s also a therapist, and we’re very supportive of eachother. It will also be nice to not live alone anymore. Even though my old roommate was very introverted it was nice to know someone was there if I absolutely needed it, and my new roommate is very extroverted and vulnerable so I  think socially it will be good for me. My hope is that I can one day look back at all the time I spent alone suffering with my pain, and be grateful that I made it through, and that I learned how to be strong because of it.

Thank you for your response, and I agree with moving away from people who don’t love me or hurt me. I did visit home this past weekend because my sister had planned a graduation dinner for me. It was nice, and I left as soon as I could. It’s so hard for me to cut ties with my mom especially because I need my sister so much and it’s a package deal when I go visit because they live together. It’s going to be difficult to have no contact whatsoever with my mom, but at the least this weekend I didn’t give in to answering her calls for attention, I am learning to be indifferent towards her problems which has always been hard for me.

At the moment my mom is not high on my priority list of problems right now. When I’m home (my home not my hometown) I find myself  falling depressed consistently. I start working this week so that should be a good distraction as I’ve been out of school for a couple weeks and have been spending lots of time alone during the day while most of my friends are working. I cried so hard yesterday and no one witnesses my pain. My friend came over last night to vent because he and his girlfriend got into an argument. He made me realize the grass isn’t always greener. Which is in a strange way comforting and also feels hopeless as it’s yet another reminder that we can be just as miserable in a relationship as we are alone.

With that being said I don’t have much I’m looking forward to. For the first time in my life I’ll be financially secure within a few months, which I’m grateful for but money doesn’t do much for me anymore besides ease my anxieties about survival. Then I ask myself what’s the point of survival if my life feels meaningless? Of course other people need me, and I’m happy to help most days, but I need someone too and friends have limits on how much they can fill my attachment needs. I’ve been in a state for the past couple of years of just waking up and doing whatever is required of me that day, without complaining and ignoring my needs, I suppressed my needs out of necessity to finish school, but I can no longer. I’m very emotionally disregulated and I’m afraid I’m going to have a breakdown at the wrong time. I mean I saw a little boy and girl walking down the street yesterday and I started crying uncontrollably for a good hour out of jealousy of how simple my needs really are. I’m crying now just thinking about it. Interpersonal needs have been my greatest obstacle in life, and seeing a kid have it figured out and me being 27 yo with all types of accomplishments yet I can’t seem to muster up the courage to go out and fail until I succeed is very depressing. I was contemplating texting an ex who reached out to me months ago, but I know better that’s why I came here this morning. I need encouragement that I am capable of getting my social needs met especially romantically, I need strength to resist falling back into old patterns. I’m in a lot of pain, with nothing to look forward to and I feel like no one can help me with it.