Dear Lisa:

I think that it is either 9:30 pm, or 1030 pm where you are, somewhere in the U.S.A. I wish you a restful night, a restful, peaceful night. No suffering, no trouble.. Good night, Lisa.

anita

Dear Lisa:

I like you, Lisa, just like you are. I am not rejecting you. I want to be around you here, on your thread.  I want you to feel okay. I want you to be okay.

anita

Dear Lisa:

First, I will retell a part of the story you shared starting May 1, 2017, in your thread Alone. Second, I will offer you my understanding and recommendations, quoting from your two threads.

First part: You were born to two teenager parents in the 1960s, your teenage mother possibly indulged in alcohol and drugs while pregnant with you. You were given away as a baby but retrieved. You  grew up with your grandparents (whom you believed were your parents) and your mother and uncles (whom you believed were your much older siblings). From time to time, there were terrible fights in the house: fights, screaming and yelling. You were scared and hid in your room during those fights, blocking the door from the inside. You spent a whole lot of time in your room, scared and Alone, daydreaming of a different kind of life.

Outside the house, you were “a target for  bullies”: you were bullied by children who lived on your street,  and by children on the grounds of the Catholic grade school you attended, unprotected by the nuns, and by fellow teenagers in high school, and by “some teachers and people I trusted”.

As a child, you had “frequent accidents.. at bedtime which was seen as a behavioral problem” and you were “often chastised for it”. You were “described as a hyperactive child”, “prone to tantrums”, couldn’t sit still in grade school. Believed to suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD),  you were “put on a pill daily”. At 14 or 15,  a different doctor refused to prescribe it for you any longer, and as a result, your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) became worse: “I obsess a lot and constantly wash my hands. My obsessions for example was worrying that if I didn’t pick the right cup something bad was going to happen. I also thought I could prevent bad things from happening by whatever shirt I put on that day”. When you were 14,  your grandmother died and you were “devastated by her death”.

In high school you had “big dreams.. wanted to be a cheerleader.. fell in love, wanted to learn”, but it “turned out to be a disaster”- you were “almost promptly bullied.. lost cheerleading”, and you quit high school in the 9th grade. It was then that your grandfather set you up with your first therapist. The therapist “was very nice but she couldn’t get me back into school”.

At 15, you stayed at home Alone, “didn’t go out.. had no friends.. cleaned the house, did everyone’s laundry… missed out on dating.. missed out on the proms.. missed  out on friendship.. missed out on graduation.. missed out on being a teenager… For the most part I spent time in the library and fantasizing about being someone else.. (with) connections to people”.

At about 17, you were pressured to get a job, and from then on, for 35 years so far, you worked in many lower paying jobs, doing hard physical work, keeping a roof over your head and taking care of your most basic survival, living here and there, renting rooms in people’s home, and currently living with a roommate: “I am always in survival mode with little bursts of ambition that fizzle out and then I just remain in survival mode. I have always wanted to be an artist. I have done murals.. I took art classes at Community College but didn’t finish my associate’s degree. I earned a certificate in Interior Design and never pursued a job. I wanted to be a journalist and a writer.. I wanted to be a teacher.. I’ve wanted to be an art therapist, art teacher…later on I actually took classes in real estate and barely graduated only to fail the exams…

“So stressed. I can not make these things happen. All the while I am dreaming of myself in some alternate universe in a relationship with a man.. I have tried medication, diet, exercise, affirmations, self help tapes, a couple seminars, hypnosis, psychics, gemstones, therapy, therapy, therapy, yoga, outpatient treatment, group therapy, Self help books, books on how to flirt, I have tried even more”.

You are currently 52, having daydreamed of having a relationship with a man since you were a teenager. You are yet to have one.

Second part – in the next post, probably tomorrow.

anita

Dear Lisa:

Second Part, My Understanding of Lisa, 2- A Very Rough Life

Your last post on your Alone thread was on January 1, 2019. Two weeks later, you started this thread, Choosing Love, with much enthusiasm.  On Jan 15-17, 2019, you wrote: “I want to start this new thread to open myself up to the truth about why I am alone and what I can do to change that… I want to change my thought patterns… what I want more than anything is clarity. I want to realize what my thoughts that I grew up with were, and whether or not they are really what was/ is going on?.. Developing a healthy relationship with love is my goal this year…  am embarking on my journey starting tomorrow on everything I need to work on… I am trying something different”.

Two months and twenty days later, on April 7, 2019, you were still excited about your journey: “I have been doing very well and have a lot more energy. I am also following an eating disorder app that has helped me before and is really helping me again… I have also rewritten my goals again. So many to work on… I am being extremely mindful of my choices… Drinking water too!.. feeling good about my eating habits right now”.

The next time you posted was seven months and 19 days later, on Nov 26, 2019: “I wanted so badly for this to be a positive thread… I am so depressed right now and the bullies are right there with their smiles and happy to see me sad. The worst part is the good people that love me somehow support these bullies”

My input today: You grew up very much Alone. In the world of your very rough childhood there were two kinds of people: (1) people who bullied you and (2) people who allowed the bullies to bully you. In the real world of your childhood, there was no one on your side, no one to attend to you and protect you. You were indeed Alone, defenseless and powerless.

As an adult, you still live in the same kind of world: there are two kinds of people, those who bully you and those who allow the bullies to bully you. You feel Alone, defenseless and powerless.

You pride yourself on being a strong, independent woman who speaks her mind, a feminist and a rebel, like Madonna the celebrity. But the bullies attack you for the very thing you are proud of. They want you weak. They want to rob you of your independent spirit, to silence you into polite submission.

The question is, in your adult world, are there really only two kinds of people?

Nazi Germany comes to mind. There were two kinds of Germans at the time: (1) The Nazis who murdered millions of the people in concentration camps and (2) Germans who knew about it and did not object.

But there was a third kind of Germans at the time: (3) Germans who had no choice but to be soldiers in Hitler’s army and fight wars where they died.. and (4) Germans who risked their lives hiding Jews in their homes so to save them from the Nazis…and (5) Germans who really did not know what was happening because they were mentally ill… Perhaps you can think of other groups.

Is there a third group of people in your world, Lisa?

A person cannot be Alone for too long without getting sick. Find that third group of people  and you will no longer be Alone.

anita

Dear Lisa:

Not a problem. Post again if you want to post and when you do, at your convenience.

anita

You are very welcome, Lisa. Thank you for your appreciation!

anita