Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Compassion and respect during times of conflict
- This topic has 326 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 2 minutes ago by
Alessa.
-
AuthorPosts
-
September 10, 2025 at 3:26 am #449605
Alessa
ParticipantHi Yana
Well, we had differences in opinion. He felt like he could gossip to me and criticise my loved ones unfairly. That is a boundary for me. I expressed that I wasn’t going to accept that or indulge in it. He decided he didn’t want to speak to me anymore.
He still has issues, I hope he heals in his own time and way. ❤️
What do I do with the pain of losing a friend? Empathise with his struggles. Empathise with my own pain and live my life. ❤️
September 10, 2025 at 5:12 am #449610silvery blue
ParticipantYes, sometimes letting people go with respect and grace is just right… and just enough. ❤️
For me, holding people and their pain in my heart with compassion and love is important. No bad feelings… but sometimes it is just safer to do it from distance. Right?
I am really sorry that I may be seen now as someone without compassion and understandning, because I have been pretty straightforward here. I am learning to find balance in healthy assertiveness. I want everyone to be fairly heard here. And I want everyone, if they are ready and open, to self-reflect. I believe this way, we really can make the best of this thread…
It is a hard conflict. It is! But it can bear fruit, as well. 😊
🦋
September 10, 2025 at 8:00 am #449617Roberta
ParticipantHi
There has been accusations & acknowledgements, explanations & apologies, yet there still feels a heavy atmosphere here – let go of the past, allow wounds to be healed – a scab that is forever being picked at either by ourselves or others will only get bigger & inflamed.Seek your own peace with each breath. We each have our own sorrows to a greater or lesser extent, but it is not a competition.
We are travelers on journey, we choose to cross paths with other Tiny Buddha pilgrims and walk a while side by side.September 10, 2025 at 9:01 am #449622silvery blue
Participant🙏🫂❤️😊
September 10, 2025 at 9:02 am #449623anita
ParticipantJana (right above): “It is a hard conflict. It is! But it can bear fruit, as well. 😊”-
* I am adding this here after closing the post and deleting much of it because what I realized at the end makes makes much of the post I put together was defensive, somewhat argumentative and unhehelpful. So, this is what’s left:
…………. And now I will respond to the rest of your yesterday’s post:
“Hi Anita, Thank you for your message. I must admit, it’s a mixed bag of feelings, but I’m very happy you’ve realized that I haven’t tried to hurt you but that I actually tried to help, even if it didn’t end up being helpful”-
Thank you, Tee. Yes, you tried to help me, just as you’ve tried to help so many people in these forums, giving so much of yourself in your many detailed, thorough and empathetic posts. Unfortunately, I perceived invalidation and an intent to hurt me where there was none.
About the perceived intent to hurt me, as I remember it, I wasn’t thinking: “Tee is trying to hurt me!” It was an assumption I made without verbalizing it, not even in my own mind.
“Thank you, Anita, for realizing that I indeed didn’t intend to harm you but to help you, because radical acceptance (and a sort of detached compassion, which I’ve explained what I meant by) helped me heal from my mother’s abuse. I truly thought it might be beneficial for you. But I apologized when I’ve realized it was an ill-fitted advice.”-
Seems like you were not suggesting that I feel compassion for her (which I already have, in massive amounts) but that I feel detached attention.. which is a different kind of compassion that I didn’t yet experience? (IF so, this distinction didn’t occur to me until now.. AND I failed to understand your input back then..?)
“Thank you for acknowledging that my intention wasn’t to hurt you or invalidate you. And I fully accept your apology. Thank you.”- this is so gracious of you. Thank you so very much for accepting my apology. 🤍 🙏
In regard to whom I had in mind when I wrote that particular sentence, I spent about 20 minutes just now trying to locate that sentence and I can’t find it. But here’s the thing: you have better memory than I do, Tee, so if you say I was referring to you, to Alessa, or to the two of you in that one sentence then I truly believe you.
Maybe I felt so embarrassed when first confronted with that sentence that .. I tried to deflect responsibility by saying maybe it was someone else. I suppose.. not exactly a lie. There was no such thinking as: I am going to lie about not remembering who I had in mind. It was more like (not verbalized this way though): I don’t want to remember, it’d make me feel badly.
“I’ve already apologized for accusing you of lying that you don’t remember whom you were talking about (Sept 7): “If you truly didn’t remember whom you were talking about, I apologize for wrongly accusing you.”- I didn’t lie about not remembering.. I didn’t want to remember… hmm, there’s a difference. And I didn’t realize this until just now.
You are very, very detailed oriented and a very intelligent critical reader, Tee.. and you caught me there- the inconsistency, the avoidance.
“I’m sorry, Anita, but isn’t it kind of funny that I have to defend myself for assuming that you were less judgmental than you really were?”- ouch, this hurts a bit.
“I mean, I thought it could have been only 2 people whom you had negative feelings about, but now you’re saying it could have been 4 people in total.”- good point. By the avoidance I mentioned above, I made it worse.
“Please don’t take offense, but when we step back and see a bigger picture, it becomes a little absurd. I hope you see it too?”- yea, I suppose. Yes.
“Like you, I would also like to close my post on a positive note: I appreciate your realization that I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I also appreciate and accept your apology. I’m also glad that you’re experiencing some more healing thanks to this thread, including the ability to stay present with difficult emotions and stay in the dialogue, rather than withdraw and then express your grievances indirectly. I think it’s better if we can express what bothers us directly to the person. I appreciate you’ve returned to the conversation, even if not everything you’ve said has been easy to hear. I also appreciate you chose not to use Copilot in this post, because Copilot makes the answers a little mechanical, in my opinion. I prefer talking to a real person, not a machine, because it’s more authentic. So thanks for that 🙂”-
This paragraph I quoted right above, this is the first time I am reading it. Yesterday, when I read “Should we just stop sharing our experiences, so you wouldn’t get offended?”- I felt threatened- and angry, and stopped reading, focusing on what scared me (being talked badly about). If I read the paragraph above, I could have softened. It is a beautiful ending of your post. I simply didn’t read it, and based on 1 or a few sentences I perceived your post as hostile. I see it as .. goodwill on your part, grace, kindness- I COMPLETELY missed the good nature of your post, seeing nothing but a single perceived threat.
This is exactly how I misread your input in regard to my mother- taking one thing from the post that feels like a threat (a threat to mu understanding of things), and seeing ONLY that.
I feel ashamed for having misread and mistreated you, Tee. Looking back in regard to the communication about my mother- you did nothing wrong, but I reacted as if you did, feeling offended when there was no offense and I proceeded to attack- indirectly. And through all this, I didn’t see, couldn’t see what I was really doing.
* It’s amazing.. Like my mother who offended me but claimed that I offended her. She truly felt offended, I suppose, just like I did. This comparison is scary. Something I’ll be thinking about.
I apologize for not reading the closing of your yesterday’s post until just now. And more so, I sincerely and truly apologize for offending you to begin with, and then- adding salt to injury- for accusing you for the ways you reacted to being offended.
Yes, these are my posts now.. not Copilots. Copilot didn’t hold me accountable. You did, Tee. Thank you.
Anita
September 10, 2025 at 10:23 am #449626anita
ParticipantI want to add that in my mind, I know that today, I took full accountability- for the first time, since the beginning of this conflict. I feel a mix of shame, regret and deep sadness. I say this not to ask for empathy for me, and not so to make it about me. I say this because I want you to know- those of you who care to know, that me taking accountability is not words alone, something I posted and then I move on.
It is really hitting me hard. Tears in my eyes.
Anita
September 10, 2025 at 10:34 am #449627silvery blue
Participant❤️ 🫂 😙
September 10, 2025 at 10:42 am #449628anita
ParticipantThank you, Jana-
But in regard to me and Tee- Tee was the one who was wronged. She’s the one deserving empathy. I wish there was a way for me to make amends.. real-life amends, some way to offer real help.
September 10, 2025 at 7:49 pm #449632anita
ParticipantStill here, Tee. Still having you in mind- a principled, passionate Tee- passionate about Truth and Accountability.
All that’s left in my heart- is positive appreciation of you.
Through all of this, you are helping me be a better person.. no longer defensive, no longer aggressive.
Maybe you and I, instead of answering members in a parallel way.. Maybe we can figure out a way to help people more effectively.. something beyond the forums as they are now (quite inactive)..? You, I, others. joining together for a common purpose/ goal..?
Anita
September 10, 2025 at 10:41 pm #449638Tee
ParticipantHi Anita,
thank you. Wow, what to say… I’m a bit surprised, to be honest, because only yesterday, or the day before yesterday things looked differently. But it’s a beautiful, heartfelt message, and I truly hear that there has been a shift in you…
I’m glad that you’ve read my long post (Sept 9, 1:46am) till the end, and saw that my intention isn’t to quarrel, to be defensive, but to share my perspective with the hope that I would be heard. I’ve felt a shift in me too when you’ve apologized for attacking me in your SOCJ journal, and realized that my intention wasn’t to hurt you but to help you.
After that I’ve felt an opening, and even though you were accusing me of new things, I took a less defensive approach and could speak from a calmer, more accepting place.
I’m still processing it all, to be honest, but thank you, truly. I might come back to your post and comment on specific points, but for now, I just want to appreciate your new sentiments and realizations about yourself and about me and my intentions.
Through all of this, you are helping me be a better person.. no longer defensive, no longer aggressive.
I’m glad you’re feeling a change in yourself. This conflict certainly taught me things about myself too. I hope we can all learn from it and see what to avoid in communicating with others. It’s definitely been a learning experience, though very tough and tiring! 🙂
Thank you again, Anita, I appreciate your message and your change of heart. I think I need to rest and process it all for a while, but I’ll be back 🙂
September 10, 2025 at 11:49 pm #449640Tee
ParticipantA slight correction: I feel instead of a smiley after “tough and tiring”, a perplexed face would be more appropriate: tough and tiring :/ Don’t know how to bring that emoticon about, but anyway, it hasn’t been an easy-breezy experience for sure…
September 11, 2025 at 12:11 am #449641silvery blue
ParticipantI don’t feel comfortable that very important points and concerns of others have been totally ignored here. But what can I do?
Please, at least don’t make this thread a chat between only two members, because it is not the purpose of this thread. ❤️
Please, understand it. 🙏
I am here for anyone who needs to discuss something about conflicts. I am open to discuss anything with you and hear you out with support and peace. ❤️
September 11, 2025 at 12:31 am #449643silvery blue
ParticipantI am reading some buddhist texts. I hope I will find some useful advice and inspiration to share here.
If you are interested, there is a video on youtube “Protect Yourself And You will protect others…” by Buddhism in English. I am thinking about it a lot now. 😊
September 11, 2025 at 12:59 am #449644EvFran
ParticipantDear silvery blue,
Could you please be more specific about whose needs and what kind of needs exactly were not met here?
I felt that everybody could say whatever s/he wanted to any time. I haven’t read the initial threads, which caused harm, I can only reflect on what I have read in this thread, initiated by you. And I never had the feeling that I couldn’t participate. And I am very happy with the end of the conflict: two people could come to a satisfying agreement. It hasn’t been easy-breazy, as Tee says but it’s done. 💗🥂September 11, 2025 at 1:21 am #449645silvery blue
ParticipantYes, I and Brandy expressed our concerns just a few posts back.
But I will go through it with someone who is willing to listen to me on email. ❤️ 😊
I would love to focus on interesting points which were made in the thread earlier from this point on, for example:
– how tactfully articulate our needs and boundaries without feeling like we are hurting others or ourselves
– how to learn how to remain compassionate and considerate when we feel hurt
– when we feel hurt, ignored, how properly work with these feelings (maybe tips, sources, …?)
– healthy boundaries which don’t isolate us from others (maybe try to formulate some of them?)
– any specific examples from your real lives, if you are willing to share them and want to discuss them and find some supportAnd if you have a source, please can you share Thich Nat Han’s guidelines May I have integrity in all my relationships & May I keep my judgement clear?
❤️
🦋
-
AuthorPosts