Dear Neverdyed:

“how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something”- can you give me an example of not wanting to do something, and who wants you to do something you don’t want to do?

anita

Dear Neverdyed:

“when I expected the other to be in touch constantly.. and being ‘judged’ it’s unhealthy, did he refuse out of an emotional boundary or simply unwilling to do so”-

– who is “the other”???

Is “the other” the man you shared about, the one you “hardly ever reached out to him.. didn’t want to intrude on him”?

* I think that maybe the reason you are “Conflicting myself much” (title of your thread) is that you keep most of your thoughts and feelings to yourself, keeping it all inside you.

The little that you share with others is often vague, so I am often confused when trying to understand you. It is definitely a difficult job to understand a person who shares so little and so vaguely. What if this is how you communicate with others? If that’s the case you are like a secret or a mystery to others, others not knowing what you think, what you feel, what you want.. ???

anita

Dear Neverdyed:

I was annoyed, yes, because I don’t like to work hard when it is  not necessary. If you communicate with me clearly, I won’t have to work so hard to understand what you are saying.

So you were referring to the man, but you didn’t want to tell me who you were referring to and kept it vague. Here is my best suggestion to you: be clear, honest and direct when you post to me (and when you communicate with other people). Make your sentences clear.

Sometimes you are honest with me, like when you express your concern about me being annoyed with you, but you have the tendency to be secretive, or mysterious.. vague, not clear, and that .. yes, it does annoy me. Plus it is harmful to any chances you have regarding forming an intimate friendship/ relationship with someone worthy of you.

anita

Dear Neverdyed:

There is no argument. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger (annoyance is a small amount of anger), and there is nothing wrong with anger being expressed in a controlled way. Anger is a healthy emotion, a natural emotion. It is impossible to live life never feeling angry. I for one feel angry a few times every day. Don’t you?

I used to be very uncomfortable about anger, my own and others’. I still feel alarmed when thinking that someone is angry at me. So I think I understand your discomfort with my annoyance.

But think of it: even when annoyed, I do not and will not disrespect you. Isn’t that a good thing?

The valid message behind my anger is that often(not only regarding the latest topic) you are not clear and I have to work hard to understand what you are saying. I know English is not your first language (it isn’t mine either), but you not expressing yourself clearly is not because of the language, much of the time. It is because you are purposefully vague.

And now, at this point of our communication, you can choose to not post anymore, or you can choose to express yourself more and more clearly, make that attempt (I am not expecting perfection!). I hope you choose the second choice because I do want to continue to communicate with you. Don’t worry: there will be no arguing, it takes two to argue and I am not arguing.

anita

Dear Neverdyed:

You are welcome, and I am glad you are okay with continuing to communicate with me.

“Can you point out another example when I was being (purposefully) vague besides the ‘whom’ so I may figure out why/ if I did that on purpose”-

In your original post four pages ago, you wrote: “I finally spoke up for myself last week, but he judged me again and left it for me to decide”- There are four unknowns in this one sentence:

(1) When you finally spoke up: what did you speak/ what did you say to him?

(2) What did he say back to you?

(3) How did he judge you/ what did he say that was judgmental?

(4) what is “it” in “left it for me to decide?

Four questions regarding one sentence. See my frustration? It is a vague sentence that left me with no information and four questions. You may not have been vague on purpose/ you may not have been aware that you were vague. Maybe you had all the answers (to questions 1-4 above) in your brain and somehow thought I knew what you were thinking without you letting me know what you were thinking (?)

On this page, you wrote: “I saw this article (http: …. ) today and wondered how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something”-  I didn’t feel like reading an article so to try and understand what you are asking. But I read much of the article anyway, and still didn’t understand what you were asking, so I asked you for an example, and after reading your reply I still didnt know what you were asking.

I think that what you meant by “how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something”, at this point, is to ask me regarding the man (let’s call him M): do you think I intruded on M,  and therefore he did the right thing by not replying to me (protecting his privacy/ boundary), or do  you think that he didn’t reply to me not because I intruded on him, but because he doesn’t like me?

I am not sure I understood correctly  the question you asked me five days ago, at the top  of this page.

Regardless of purposefully being vague or not purposefully, please try to be clear, specific and direct. Don’t make me work hard, will you?

Interesting, I just noticed again the title of your thread, “Conflicting myself much”- clarity is the answer to conflicts. If you are clear with yourself, and with me, you will  no longer be conflicted… !

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by .

Dear Neverdyed:

I will focus only on the parts I think I understand: “I finally spoke up for myself last week, but he judged me again”, you meant that you spoke up to him, telling him that you “don’t need on and off contact”. He responded by judging you, saying that you “wanted to be on people’s mind always but it’s not how it works”, that you are not healthy for wanting too much contact with him.

When you wrote a week ago: “I wondered how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something”, you meant to ask if you are unhealthy (wanting too much contact with him).

Did I understand correctly?

anita