Dear SereneWolf,

yes I’ve been to the doctor. I’ll have to go to physical therapy and hopefully that should help… it’s not that simple, but I am hoping that physical therapy will relieve the symptoms.

Yes I strongly believing in creating in my own path instead of walking on others path that they’ve created. doesn’t matter how great they were

Good! Excellent approach!

But I’m telling you, you can try with very small things first. Maybe it would be helpful for your anxiety.

In fact, I am trying do something that makes me very anxious with respect to my career. But still, I want to try…

Yes but it doesn’t mean like It was only pretending and nothing else. Thing is that she had some expectations from me, Which indeed wasn’t wrong. She was insecure so…
And in my previous relationship I didn’t pretend anything and mostly said how it is and maybe sometimes brutally honest which I guess may have hurt her in some way as well but yeah.

Good that you haven’t pretended that much in your 2nd relationship. But you’ve mentioned that she saw you as quite critical, pushing her to do things quicker and faster (perhaps similar to how you’ve been pushing yourself?). And you were impatient because she wasn’t following your suggestions? Perhaps in your “brutal honesty”, you were lacking compassion? Again, lack of compassion for both yourself and for her as well?

Hmm I think that’s super helpful. Thanks! This would be really helpful for me on how much should I open up in relationships

You’re welcome! Yes, take is slowly, step by step, and see what response you’re getting…

Yes I got your point. I have to work on this first. And I believe for my pattern there was mainly fear of commitment involved as well. But what I’m saying is that if it’s my fear of commitment then I’m not even looking for a commitment. I’m not that much old to look for a commitment either.

I got you. You fear commitment… do you think it’s because you never want to get  married (because it seems like a burden, loss of freedom, or something similar), or you don’t want to get stuck with someone who’s not right for you?

Another thing is that there are probably woman like me who’s also have fear of commitment as well.. Then instead of just focusing on fear (Which I have to I know, and it does take time) why not just go with the flow and learn that way?

So you want to be in a non-committed, casual relationship with someone who is afraid of commitment like you are? Someone who won’t force you to commit, but will just enjoy the time spent together but not want deeper (emotional) intimacy?

I mean, you can do that, I am sure, but how fulfilling will it be? And what will you learn that way? In my opinion, getting into casual relationships can cause more trouble than good, so I wouldn’t use it for learning. Because it may come with a price, of being heart-broken, or even getting an STD (sorry for being “brutally honest”).

So I wouldn’t take that route, but would rather take the lessons you’ve learned so far, and try to do it differently next time: take things slow, step by step. Open up with one vulnerable thing, and see how she reacts. Be more compassionate both toward yourself and towards her… So, apply the things that we’ve talked about already.

Dear SereneWolf,

I hope you’ll be alright and may you able to create the healing energy for your own self.

thank you for your good wishes. I hope that healing energies will come both from within and without, as I start physical therapy 🙂

Yes you analysed it right. I was projecting my things on her. Which wasn’t healthy. But I believe I did learn some compassion from her. She was trying for that but I wasn’t listening and just blindly driven

Good that you’re aware of it now – that you were pushing her the same way you were pushing yourself to do more and better. So that’s one big lesson for your next relationship.

I also remember that you said you didn’t like her complaining, and so you offered various solutions to fix the problem. But probably you lacked one key step: showing empathy for her problems. Instead, you rushed to solutions immediately. There is a funny video about that, where this is taken to the extreme. It’s on youtube, titled “It’s not about the nail”, by Jason Headley”. Talks exactly about fixing vs just listening/empathizing…

I want to get married. I know that because I love kids. But if I get married now I do fear loss of freedom and it’s just that I just have lot to do, still lot to see in this world, lot to accomplish.

That’s fine, you don’t need to get married right away. You can find someone who, like you, isn’t rushing to get married, but wants to enjoy life, travel, perhaps accomplish some professional/career goals first… There are girls like that out there, not everyone wants to get married and have children right away.

You’d need to look for a compatible person, with similar goals and values, and also similar interests. She doesn’t have to like everything that you do, but there should be at least some compatibility, e.g. being an outdoors person, or loving adventure, or whatever is important to you. You can have a committed relationship with such a person, and yet, it wouldn’t require you to give up on some of your career or other life goals.

As per my situation 2 of my friends suggested me that. And it’s definitely new for me because I haven’t tried that before I know it’s really complex thing to do.

Well, guys like to suggest such things, but you said it yourself that it wouldn’t be fulfilling and it could indeed hurt you. It’s not even your style, and I know that if we force ourselves to do something that go against our principles, it’s never a good thing and we always get burned.

Is there something in between relationship middle of casual and committed?

As  I said, you can have a committed relationship with a compatible person, in which you feel free to be yourself and aren’t afraid of losing your freedom or giving up on some really important goals. I am not saying it’s easy to find such a person, but  it’s possible. What I am sure is that settling for casual relationships won’t help you find such a person…

I believe in safe sex or even being tasted first, so rare to none chance for STD

Good that you’re cautious!

Because one of the girl texted me to spend this weekend with her. To be honest at first, I was really tempted. But I do want to taking things slow and step by step as you said… So I told her for next week and maybe I’ll meet and see how things goes from there

Yes, you can try it and see if she is compatible to you, e.g. if she isn’t rushing to settle down but is more relaxed about it. Or if there are common interests that you can both enjoy in your free time. Or if she seems genuine, not pretending…

And yeah, I’m working on my compassion and empathy as well

Good to hear! Keep up the good work! 🙂

Dear SereneWolf,

For Sure. When you want to start physical therapy?

Tomorrow is my first appointment…

I think I realize now that the way I require freedom my partner will require freedom too and by pushing and kind of controlling is not the way. It wouldn’t make her feel safe and thus she’d try to pretend something… Am I right?

Sure, and also, if you constantly feel the need to “improve” the person, pushing her to do this or that, she might feel she’s not good enough for you. She might feel criticized and judged, like she’s is with a strict parent, not an equal partner. So yes, more empathy and less control is key…

Haha short but on point video. I’m definitely appreciating listening/empathizing.

Good! So if she complains about something, first listen and empathize. Only then offer advice 🙂

Okay so this might be the also reason that I feel behind sometimes. My family and friends do expect me get married and be settled ASAP. (Not forcing but still)
Lot of my friends who are even younger than already got married and some have kids as well. Because here getting married in your late 20s considered lot more normal and safer.

I see, that’s societal/cultural pressure. But keep in mind that you like to walk your own path, so don’t be swayed by those external pressures. Do what feels right to you.

But I know well that I’m not ready for marriage. I still have my goals to accomplish. And I started to believe in slow love as well. Guess I’m still hopeless romantic!

Absolutely – if you feel you’re not ready for marriage, don’t do it. And yes, don’t settle for someone just because others are telling you it’s time to settle.

Yes that’s exactly what I’ve decided!

Great! I am rooting for you!

Well as of now I think she’s not rushing to settle down but I guess there might be fewer common interests. I’m guessing because she’s not minimalistic like me, likes noisy places, Extrovert. But she’s outgoing and upright honest about things which I liked about her. Also she’s not that much tall but I’ll manage. Okay I’m hard to please I know but maybe I’ll find other good qualities?

Well, you’ll see. You’ll need to spend some time together to see how she is in person. But don’t judge her by how tall she is or other physical features – her character and personality are much more important!

Dear SereneWolf,

Okay good, Be sure to update me.

Well, that was the initial check-up and I got some exercises to practice at home…  and then come back next week. So I’ve started doing those, and am hoping they’ll work…

Yes, that’s what I’m doing. With lot of communication even with my friends and teammates

Glad to hear you’re listening more and showing more empathy, before offering advice. And you’re right to apply it with your colleagues and friends too, not just your romantic interest…

And Today I had another therapy season. She said I’m doing lot better than she expected

Well, you’re working very diligently on your self, you’re very motivated, and that’s a positive side of being driven. What’s not so great is when you’re pushing yourself too hard, never being happy with yourself, judging yourself for not being good enough or fast enough. So, being motivated and driven: YES. But being like a drill sergeant to yourself: a big NO 🙂

Yet she told me she feels like I still have rigid layer around my heart. I’m more sensitive but changing my root beliefs and believe and love myself in healthier will take some more time

Can she intuitively feel the energies? A rigid layer around your heart could be the defense mechanism we’ve talked about: your fear of being emotionally hurt, and that’s why closing your heart and fearing intimacy. Because intimacy requires that we be vulnerable with the other person, that we show our weaknesses, but also that we admit how much we care about and depend on the other. That we admit that they can hurt us. That’s vulnerability.

If we fear being hurt, we’ll close our heart, and we won’t allow anyone to get near. But we’ll also stay alone… So vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s actually a precondition for intimacy and happiness.

And she gave me good example of window glass. What happens when you throw rock at the window glass? Not just that injure the people inside. Rigid things break easily. So let it at ease. Let it feel things let it be softer

Yes, that’s also a good analogy. In my mind, this rigid layer around the heart is more like a metal shield – protects the heart from being hurt, but doesn’t let anything/anyone inside. In order to soften things up, you’d need to remove the shield at least partially…

Now thinking about your dynamic with girls, it could be that after the initial exuberance and vulnerability that you feel towards the girl (feeling very much in love, writing poems…), the fear comes up – the fear that you’ll be hurt. And so the shield goes up and you perhaps enter the drill sergeant mode, putting yourself in a superior position, trying to “improve” her… which helps you to feel less vulnerable. Because if you feel in charge and have the upper hand in the relationship, you feel she can’t hurt you as much?

I am just musing here…. let me know if any of this rings true?

Dear SereneWolf,

sorry for a later reply, I am not doing that great health-wise, which bogs me down quite a bit.

Yes, you’re right and I’m working towards putting good silence on that drill sergeant.

Good to hear that! I like how you approached the mishap with the missed online meeting. Although it was your fault, this person’s reaction was quite unforgiving. First, they logged out within less than 5 minutes of the agreed time. And then they refused to reschedule – showing no understanding and a strong judgmental attitude. So you’re right, it’s probably for the best that you don’t have them as your client.

I think the thing is that I know I’m sensitive. This could be my strength and my weakness. Both. But unconsciously I maybe still thinking more as a weakness and less as a strength. Means still there is some kind of fear.

Yes, sensitivity is the same as vulnerability. You may think it’s your weakness, but at the end of the day, it’s your strength, specially in a romantic relationship. (Just as a side note, we’re not meant to be vulnerable in every relationship, of course, e.g. we don’t want to be sensitive/vulnerable with ill-meaning, toxic people!). However, in a romantic relationship, the goal is to be open and honest with each other, to be able to talk about our fears and weaknesses, and yet be understood and supported by the other – rather than blamed and judged.

You did say a while ago that you feared sharing too much of your “imperfections” or problems, even if your girlfriend showed compassion, because you thought it would make you “weaker” than her. As if she would use the knowledge of your weaknesses to hurt you, rather than to help you and encourage you…

So you might have a false belief, saying something like “if I show my weakness, I will be attacked”. Perhaps you’ve picked it up in your family of origin – because your father did indeed attack you and chastise you for showing even the slightest weakness? So you’ve learned to hide your weaknesses – not to be attacked?

Yet still there was times I wasn’t able to say things on their face like you’re doing this and it’s hurting me. I was just making sarcastic comment or neglecting on that and be like they should understand these “signals” and they will work on it.

Alright, so you didn’t dare to say that something was bothering you openly, but you used passive aggressive means, such as sarcasm. You were afraid to openly admit that something is hurting you. In other words, you were afraid to openly admit that you are vulnerable and that the person has the power to hurt you. And so instead, you put a shield around your heart… and the language of a shielded heart is sarcasm.

For example, instead of saying “it hurts me when you don’t reply to my texts for an entire day”, you say “I guess you’re so extremely busy that you don’t have time to reply to my texts”. It’s like sending a little poisonous arrow instead of being honest (and vulnerable) and saying “this hurts me”…

And when they haven’t changed their behavior patterns and did the same things over and over. I took it like they’re the ones not putting efforts (even though that they were somewhat aware of this) in this relationship only me who’s working for making it better. So I don’t want it and I’d just breakup.

Right… you felt that they didn’t care, even though you’ve never openly expressed what was bothering you. Instead of being honest and vulnerable, you rather blamed it on them and called it quits…. So perhaps your shield started to go up as soon as the person was doing something that was hurting you, but you didn’t have the courage to admit it, and so you switched to sarcasm and started feeling resentment?

Dear SereneWolf,

thank you for your prayers and support! Thankfully I am a bit better now (had a bit of a rough patch last week) and am continuing with physical therapy.

Finally, I got a really good opportunity for a Management Position and I’m on interview stage so I’m hoping to get this position.

Last time I forgot to congratulate you on you applying for a management position – how did it go? Did you get it?

I’m understanding that now that how much energy and guts needs be sensitive and vulnerable. Yet it’s really important. The person we share sad times we bond with them are much stronger than when we’re just smiling around people even though spending more time with them.

Very true! The strength and quality of the relationship can be seen in tough times, not when everything goes smoothly…

Yes you guessed it right. I do think it’s maybe because of that

Okay, so be aware that you have this false belief “if I show vulnerability, I’ll be attacked.” And change it to some positive statement about vulnerability, e.g. “showing vulnerability is key for a loving relationship”.

Yes exactly! And the thing is whenever I needed something, and it wasn’t there. Like if we scheduled something and I’m giving it importance, but she isn’t, it would just make me furious even though I knew it’s not right to be angry on small matters like that and yet I was doing the silent treatment.

Alright, so now you know what triggered your anger in the relationship: when you felt hurt by something your girlfriend did or failed to do, but were unwilling to express that hurt and tell her what bothers you. Instead, you got angry at her for not seeing your hurt, for not recognizing your needs. That’s when you started to close your heart and the shield went up.

You were angry, even furious at her, but I guess you didn’t want to show your anger either (you didn’t want to be aggressive and yell at her – which is good!). So what you did is use passive aggressive means: sarcasm and silent treatment. They are both expressions of anger, only in a veiled form. With silent treatment, we’re punishing the person for hurting us. The problem is that the person might not even know that they’ve hurt us, since we haven’t told them!

So the solution would be that when you feel your girlfriend is doing something that hurts you – to tell her, instead of resenting her for not figuring it out on her own. Once you tell her, you’ll see how she reacts and whether she can understand and empathize with you…

By the way, I haven’t asked you about your date which was supposed to happen last weekend, right? (around 10 days ago) How did it go, if you don’t mind me asking?

Dear SereneWolf,

I am a bit better, thank you.

I’m still on the last interview stage. So let’ see.
These days I’m feeling little burned out, yet I still have to prepare for interview and everything because this is good opportunity.

Wish you luck with the interview! What do you think causes your burnout? Just the preparation for the interview or you’re stressed about other things at work?

Yes right but like you said around right people.

Yes, for sure.

You see it’s not that easy for me because I’d feel like she’s judging for wrong reasons and not actually understanding me and if I explain her in details it could just make things more uncomfortable.

So, in the imaginary scenario I’ve mentioned earlier (where you don’t want to admit you miss her texts but you make sarcastic remarks instead) – what do you think she would judge you for if you admitted that you miss her texts?

So about the date, It was really good we actually spent more time together than we decided. Had a good coffee and went the near science museum. She was really talkative (Like I noticed before) But tbh I liked her energy and I was comfortable around her. Heck even I was talkative.

This sounds good! You felt comfortable around her, and she around you too, and you spent together more time than planned. You like that she is outgoing (She’s also outgoing which is good too.). But you also said something which could be both a positive and negative evaluation of her: She’s simple girl and avid reader and into romance novels a lot.

What do you mean by simple? She doesn’t talk about deeper topics but only about superficial stuff? Or she is easy to be around, not demanding, not judgmental – that kind of simple?

Now the “dating scenario” so even though next morning she texted me “ I had an amazing time together, we should do this again” and I said yeah me too. After that day I texted her but she was doing like one sentence answers.

So she expressed interest, she even took the initiative and texted you first. But then she started to reply with brief answers… and what happened in your mind and heart then? Have you concluded that she wasn’t interested and you decided to “play it cool”, i.e. act uninterested?

If so, then what happened is that you assumed something about her without asking (you assumed that she wasn’t interested), and then you reacted to that assumption of yours, by acting uninterested…  It all happened in your head, since you don’t really know what she thinks or feels about you…

And I was talking to my friend and she was like I have to play it cool and don’t seem needy. I mean just texting is needy? I don’t even wanna text anymore if she doesn’t want…so how’s that needy?

No, texting isn’t needy at all. If I were you, and I liked the girl, I would have actually called her… I think talking over the phone is a much better way to bond that texting. Unless you don’t feel comfortable talking on the phone, or you feel it’s too soon?

Another day she texted but it was my turn to “play it cool” and not give her much attention and replying late so yeah it’s still going on like that

Sorry about that. Yeah, those are the games we play, and they are exhausting. No wonder you feel it’s draining your energy (feels like too much work for me. And I don’t want my emotional energy drain that way).

I want to be straight-forward about it. But it doesn’t work that way I don’t know

Actually, it could be straightforward, but only if you stop playing games. Don’t listen to your friends’ advice, don’t play it “cool”, don’t assume things about the girl before asking her…. Communication is key – honest and open communication.

I think this could be a great opportunity to practice honest communication. You could actually tell her “hey I see you’re curt in your replies – is there something wrong?” Or, you could ask her “Can I call you?” Maybe it turns out she likes talking on the phone better. So the key would be to communicate, not to assume things…

Dear SereneWolf,

I’m stressed out for other things like if I’m going to join the company, again I’ll have to build the good team relationships with different people.

Oh so you would be leaving to another company? I thought you’d be moving up the ladder in your current one… What made you want to leave so soon, after only 3 months of being a manager there?

The team that I have now I’m just too much comfortable around them but now thinking about other people and task feels like so much challenge and I’m feeling anxious, overwhelmed and about this. I’m asking myself like am I capable of doing this?

Well, it is sort of sudden… Although you’d probably manage to get used to the new people, just like you did with your current team. You say you feel “too much comfortable” around them – does it mean the atmosphere is pleasant and you work well together as a team? What about the changes and improvements you’ve introduced – are you pleased with that?

Well that would be like I’m kind of dependent? Also it’s just I don’t know awkward for me

Okay, so if you show the need for her love and attention, you’re afraid you’ll seem needy, and this to you is a weakness, right?

There is a great video by Henry Cloud about the importance of connection. He talks about 4 states we can be in: 1) alone and disconnected, 2) in a bad relationship, 3) numbing the pain of loneliness with various addictions including escape into work, and 4) in a healthy relationship.

The title of the video is “Why it’s important to stay connected“. In the first 2 minutes there’s a bit of rambling, but after that he gets into the meat of it – definitely worth watching!

Thanks for your advice for the date I’ll take the important notes like Asking instead of assuming and Honest and open communication.

You’re welcome!

So just today we were talking and out of nowhere she asked like are you a person who prefers commitment in relationship or the other way around. So I told her that Honestly if she’s thinking about anything long term commitment with me She can stop. Because as of now I’m not ready for that and therefore I don’t want to waste your time and energy if you want something like that.

I see… so it seems your fear of a long-term commitment got triggered when she mentioned  it, and your knee-jerk reaction was to run away. A while ago we talked about a committed relationship and freedom, and how it is possible to have both, of course with the right person. But I guess you fear was stronger, so you didn’t want to even try to see what happens next in the relationship and if such compatibility is possible. You called it quits immediately. I am not saying this to judge you, but so you can notice what happened…

So she was like I already feel exhausted from dating and things (She’s same age as me) So I was surprised. So I was like I feel like I’ve only started this. And you’re already exhausted?

Well, it could be that she’s already experienced quite a few failed relationships and would like at least a chance at something serious? That the guy she is dating doesn’t categorically refuse such an option…

Maybe her question scared you away, because you thought she’ll be expecting you to marry her? But perhaps she only asked if you’re open to a long-term committed relationship, i.e. don’t exclude this possibility from the get-go?