Dear SereneWolf,

yeah I’m kinda beginner to intermediate level in French. Because I adore romance languages. I want to learn Spanish, Portuguese and Italian as well.

Wow, you’re quite ambitious wanting to learn 3 new languages! I myself am more of an utalitarian type of person – I’d do it only if I absolutely need it, e.g. if I want to live there.

You see he’s an angel investor in that company. And that position’s salary range is quite high so… and most of all 100% Remote work! Now you see what I mean?

OK, I get it now: it’s in his interest to employ the best workforce in that other company, so it makes sense why he’d encourage you to apply…. Good then, I am not suspicious any more 🙂

It’s been few months in city and I’m already feeling bored so I need new city adventure you know

So you too are keen to leave, right, because you’ve started getting bored with the city you live?

Yeah because I noticed that some of the freshers still get anxious and worried for every little work even though I gave them freedom to make mistakes (In a way which I can solve without much issue) So I think if they’re more mindful about this it would be lot better for them in long run.

Great that you gave the newcomers the freedom to make mistakes, so they don’t need to feel so anxious! That, together with some meditation techniques, might be really helpful.

But I think it’s still win-win situation for both of us. And another thing that I’m doing is that two of my assistants making “ready” for the work that is unfinished or let’s say just continue with the better stability. That way I wouldn’t have to worry much of my absence and ruining the values that I’ve created there.

Yeah, it seems like a win-win situation because both of you find it beneficial. And you’re doing a good job preparing your successors to keep up with the practices you’ve started.

Right and What kind of things could be helpful for automatic triggered reactions in your opinion?

Well, the first thing is to become more mindful – to slow down and observe yourself as you’re going through some of those triggering situations. To notice that e.g. “my anxiety is going up because she mentioned a long-term commitment”. You notice it and you know it’s a trigger for you, which gets you to react defensively (fight-or-flight).

So if you don’t want to react defensively and run away immediately, you may want to take some slow breaths to calm yourself down. And you can tell yourself “I am being triggered now”. Also, don’t judge yourself for being triggered. Instead, have compassion for yourself as you’re observing the surge of emotions and the impulse to run away.

So just breathe and observe yourself without judgment. That will help you stay in your rational brain and not be completely taken over by the limbic brain. Maybe this is enough for starters. Or you can also tell yourself something like “I don’t need to get married if I don’t want to. I am free to decide what I want to do.” If you don’t trust these affirmations (i.e. if you don’t trust that you have the freedom to decide), you’d need to work on that in therapy.

But in any case, strengthening the observer part of yourself would be very important. Your therapist suggested the same: mindfulness. Be mindful, i.e. notice when you get triggered. And then try to slow down and calm yourself down, instead of reacting from your limbic brain, making rash decisions.….

She told me to work on being kind with myself and loving myself more. Because it’s a part my CEN (Childhood emotional neglect) and True healing occurs when I learn to BE the loving parent to myself that I never had – Like we talked about the parent figure before (But in most natural and mindful way possible)

Yes, when you make a mistake, or when you feel you should be doing more at work, call in the positive father figure and send the drill sergeant away 🙂

And another main thing is that my ability to trust others. Because she told me being so much independent since the teenage years now you have mindset that thinks I don’t need anyone (Emotionally) and I’m safe by myself that’s why you fear the emotional vulnerability with others.

Yes, you’ve been independent since your teenage years, and it certainly made an impact on you. In fact, you said the reason you left home at 16 or 17 was that you didn’t want anyone (specially your parents) to tell you what to do and how to live your life. You wanted to be free from their grip and their control (and their judgment).

Living with someone and being partially “dependent” on them, or at least affected by them, probably causes a terrible fear in you. Because in your mind, it could be that living with someone means to be subject to their control, judgment, constraints to your freedom etc. Maybe you equate living with a partner to living with your parents…. and it terrifies you?

It was insightful and something to think about

Glad you liked the video!

about bad connection one thing is that now I feel like I’m working on it good enough that I don’t let other people judgments define me so even if they say something I don’t care about it. For example, like what my father told me in past and how critical he was, Yeah, I accept that it gave me an emotional wound to heal but I’m at least not letting that wound to get worse.

It’s good you’re not allowing other people’s criticism get under your skin as much as before. And that you’re developing more and more self-compassion and treating yourself with kindness.

Where I notice your childhood wound is still having an impact on you is in intimate relationships. You’re afraid of intimacy, of being judged by the other, perhaps of being controlled by them and losing your freedom. As I said above, perhaps you see an intimate relationship a similar kind of prison like you saw your childhood and the relationship with your parents? And that’s why the very idea of living with someone in a committed relationship gives you the creeps?

And for Real connection – and I think it’s a good reminder of what we talked about having a good supportive people around

I can safety say that my real connections are growing. They help me become who I and empowers me. You, Some good supportive friends, Good career mentors…

I am glad that your real connections are growing, and that you see me too as someone who supports your growth. I am really happy for you and am rooting for you, as you continue to walk your path!

Dear SereneWolf,

How are you doing?

I am having another not so good period health-wise, so I am not too cheerful. But holding on, keeping hope that it’s going to get better eventually…

Well romance languages are kind of similar to one another, So not so hard and it’s just fun watching old vintage French and Italian movies on weekends so…

True, I was told that Spanish and Italian are sort of similar. Don’t know about French – everyone says it’s pretty hard….

Yes. I get bored pretty quickly. If there aren’t enough things that interest me

For a guy who watched a lioness give birth… no wonder that cities are boring 😀

Okay so I’ll note this and try to work on that. Thanks! In some situations like when my anger gets triggered I do notice that directly, be mindful about it and then ask questions and calm it down after some slow breaths

You’re welcome! Great you’re already practicing mindfulness when you notice you’re getting angry…

Hmm I think I can trust these affirmations if I reach to this step after being mindful about this specific trigger

Great! So at least intellectually you know you’re free to make your own decisions and no one is forcing you to tie the knot.

Yes that’s what I’m working on.. You think act as a father figure to my cat counts?

Haha… I don’t even think it’s possible with cats – they are great individualists and pretty sneaky 🙂 But you can be a father figure to that boy from the neighborhood, whom you were teaching how to ride a bike.

And It should be without judgements. Like I know I’m in touch with my inner child and I still do lot of things that an adult actually doesn’t do like I turned into a kid when I’m with kids, Different kind of bicycling, Singing and dancing for no reason (Lot of times while cooking, Watching Anime and Cartoons and lot of things like that) And I kind of fear they would judge me for that and not actually understand

I get it… that’s great that you’re in touch with your inner child! When you were a child, did you feel judged by your parents for being spontaneous and a little silly? Did they often tell you to “behave”?

I don’t like being even partially “dependent” on someone or affected by them. It could be because I like to control (It’s lot better than before but still) but not being controlled. Because I prefer some things should be my way.

Can you give me an example? What in your life should be your way and you wouldn’t agree to any kind of compromise?

Thanks a lot!

You’re very welcome, SereneWolf!

Ola SereneWolf,

no problemo 🙂

Yup. His family is trying to change his habits. Already making him “ready” for “elite” school. Typical.

How old is he?

It did make me angry when I found out and even though I shouldn’t be in between but at right time I will talk to his mother. Because it’s like I’m seeing my past in this! and I don’t want him to go through what I’ve been through.

I understand you, seeing yourself in him… be polite though and very diplomatic when speaking to his mother. Parents don’t like to be given advice, unless they ask for it…

Yes exactly! Because I think it feels like lot of sacrifice. it does include my partner’s frustration. But not always, There are times when I can be extremely stubborn about things and not give up until they agree. But another thing I felt that when people around me are sad I feel extreme need to help them in whatever way I can. It’s like people who are near me should be happy around me even though it’s not in my control yet I’m still trying to control that. And until I’m able to help them properly I feel anxious and restless. It’s like I feel very responsible even though I’m not.

Yes, that’s typical for codependent relationships. Say if the parent is a worrying type, we try to make them not worry. If they are depressed, we try to cheer them up… because when the parent is unhappy, the child is naturally unhappy too. So we do everything in our power to make them happy. It’s almost like a survival need, because having a happy, care-free parent is in the child’s best interest. So we’re trying to regulate the parent’s moods, so they could better take care of us.

Do you think this was the case with you and your mother? That you felt you needed to make her happy, i.e. regulate her moods? And you felt guilty if she was not happy?

I do remember you mentioned you don’t like to make your mother worry, so you often don’t tell her if something’s bothering you. You pretend that everything is fine, and put on that big smile of yours. This could be exactly because of this emotional enmeshment: you can only be happy if she’s happy. And if she’s worrying about you, you can’t be happy?

You said that your two previous girlfriends didn’t really put any constraints on your freedom (I had two different partners who were very accepting yet still I was worried about all these things.). But your guilt of displeasing them is very likely the same guilt you felt about displeasing your mother… it’s the guilt felt by your inner child.

But you’re right I need to work on this constant feeling of guilt…

Yes, and I believe it has to include separating yourself emotionally from your mother (i.e. your partner). And allowing her to be frustrated (for whatever reason – be it because of you or unrelated to you), and yet feel good about yourself. Don’t make your mood and the feeling of happiness depend so much on hers.

Because it seems that your tendency is to get emotionally enmeshed when you’re in a relationship. That’s frustrating and exhausting (and you feel guilty all the time), so you think the only way to prevent it is not to be in a relationship at all. But it’s a false cure…

Dear SereneWolf,

I wish I could tell you I am feeling better, but I am not unfortunately… I’ll let you know if there’s some progress finally…

Yes I know but his mother is good natured and nice with me. So I’ll try to present this matter clear and calmly as possible. Because another thing I noticed is that I think she’s the main decision maker, her husband is naïve and he’s mostly saying yes to her. It’s actually funny to see them talking sometimes

Okay… if you share about your own childhood and your own experience, that might have some weight and she might consider it. Also, you can say that nowadays children spend too much time on the internet, and it’s not good for their health, so actually nowadays parents should encourage their children to go play outside and not try to keep them indoors.

This occurred to me because I’ve recently seen a cartoon about old and new trends. One of the illustrations shows the Old trend: mother pulling her son back to the house because he’s been playing too much outside, and New trend: mother pulling her son out of the house, while he is glued to his smart phone 🙂

No. Not really. Because I even told her about my hypothyroidism, and she took it well. And in past there was times when even if I have a headache, she’d get really worried.

But as far as I can remember I didn’t tried to regulate her moods.

Well, if in the past she got worried about you for even as little as headache – that’s a lot of worrying. Remember, what matters is what happened in your childhood – that’s the imprint you’re living with – even if now she’s not worrying that much. What did you do when she’d get worried about your headache, do you remember?

I mean which mother doesn’t worry about her kids? So it’s obvious that she is worried sometimes and yeah in the past I tried to hide things from my mother because I was scared that she’d be worried because I was still just a high school boy going in wilds…

Sure, that amount of worry is understandable, and since you were doing some really wild stuff, it’s sort of obvious why you didn’t want to tell her… But you also mentioned that she was worried when you wanted to learn how to swim, in a swimming pool with an instructor (if I remember well?). That’s a bit of an excessive worry, in my opinion. How old were you then?

So I was thinking about emotional enmeshment, which I suggested as a possibility last time, but based on everything we’ve talked about so far, and how you behave in relationships, I don’t think this is the case with you after all.

Because like in relationship I care too much and even if they’re little careless about their health or things that affect them or make them worry it makes me worry 3x times more and I can’t focus on my things.

You’ve talked about this before – that you get “overprotective” i.e. controlling when you try telling your girlfriend that she should eat healthier, or have better sleeping habits. From what I’ve understood, you don’t just tell her “you should get more sleep, staying late is bad for your health”, and then sort of let it go, but you turn into this drill sergeant who is pushing her to eat healthier, sleep healthier, etc. That’s the same drill sergeant who sometimes turns on you (in the form of the inner critic), and sometimes on the people close to you (in the form of the outer critic).

So it seems to me that the “care” you show towards your partner has this overlay of criticism. And so you turn into this overprotective, critical father, who is watching his “daughter’s” every step, trying to “improve” her. You get so focused on her and her problems, that it consumes you completely and you can’t focus on your own life.

I think this type of dynamic is not emotional enmeshment, but more like that you’re focusing too much on her and her “wellbeing” (but in a bad sense, like an overbearing parent), and then you’re frustrated when she doesn’t want to take your advice. This then is frustrating to you and you rather give up, i.e. leave the relationship.

What do you think? Does this sound plausible?

Oh and kind of a funny thing happened on valentine’s day. One of my friend’s doctor proposed me… It was really bold move for her.

Yes, it was! But you know you don’t need to accept her marriage proposal, right? 🙂

But to be honest I’m not putting up any high expectations. Go on a date, get to know her a little bit and then maybe something…

Exactly! No rush… If she wants to rush things, please know that you have the right to say No. Even if she doesn’t like that…