Bună Tee,

I wish I could tell you I am feeling better, but I am not unfortunately… I’ll let you know if there’s some progress finally…

Okay Thanks. My well wishes 🙏🏽

Okay… if you share about your own childhood and your own experience, that might have some weight and she might consider it. Also, you can say that nowadays children spend too much time on the internet, and it’s not good for their health, so actually nowadays parents should encourage their children to go play outside and not try to keep them indoors.

This occurred to me because I’ve recently seen a cartoon about old and new trends. One of the illustrations shows the Old trend: mother pulling her son back to the house because he’s been playing too much outside, and New trend: mother pulling her son out of the house, while he is glued to his smart phone

You always give great examples. Thanks! I’ll talk to her that way since I also think it’s the same matter as you said. I do have problem for explaining things properly sometimes (More than I want to admit) So this would be helpful.

Well, if in the past she got worried about you for even as little as headache – that’s a lot of worrying. Remember, what matters is what happened in your childhood – that’s the imprint you’re living with – even if now she’s not worrying that much. What did you do when she’d get worried about your headache, do you remember?

Well yeah past is lot of years so the imprint… I don’t actually remember properly but what I do remember is that I just asked for written prescription to my sister (She’s nurse) and then she’d be worried less since she is sure that I’ll be taking the medications.

Sure, that amount of worry is understandable, and since you were doing some really wild stuff, it’s sort of obvious why you didn’t want to tell her… But you also mentioned that she was worried when you wanted to learn how to swim, in a swimming pool with an instructor (if I remember well?). That’s a bit of an excessive worry, in my opinion. How old were you then?

It was actually just recently few months ago. I started the swimming classis and after that I told them. So my parents wouldn’t argue with me. Heck they’re even worried that I’m letting a stray cat inside my place. They be like she might have diseases and blah blah blah.. I’m like I’ll go to the vet and give her vaccination. So, you don’t have to worry about that. Literally no one in my family grown up with a pet. So I did see that coming.
Thing about them as they are scared of the things that they don’t know or experienced before. And I’m the opposite if I didn’t experience that thing, I’d get curious and explore it let alone the outcomes. That’s why my family thinks that I’m a rebel 😂

So I was thinking about emotional enmeshment, which I suggested as a possibility last time, but based on everything we’ve talked about so far, and how you behave in relationships, I don’t think this is the case with you after all.

Hmm yeah I don’t think so…

You’ve talked about this before – that you get “overprotective” i.e. controlling when you try telling your girlfriend that she should eat healthier, or have better sleeping habits. From what I’ve understood, you don’t just tell her “you should get more sleep, staying late is bad for your health”, and then sort of let it go, but you turn into this drill sergeant who is pushing her to eat healthier, sleep healthier, etc. That’s the same drill sergeant who sometimes turns on you (in the form of the inner critic), and sometimes on the people close to you (in the form of the outer critic).

So it seems to me that the “care” you show towards your partner has this overlay of criticism. And so you turn into this overprotective, critical father, who is watching his “daughter’s” every step, trying to “improve” her. You get so focused on her and her problems, that it consumes you completely and you can’t focus on your own life.

I think this type of dynamic is not emotional enmeshment, but more like that you’re focusing too much on her and her “wellbeing” (but in a bad sense, like an overbearing parent), and then you’re frustrated when she doesn’t want to take your advice. This then is frustrating to you and you rather give up, i.e. leave the relationship.

What do you think? Does this sound plausible?

Hmm I think it’s plausible, it does have a connection. And I believe it’s been weeks I haven’t awaken the drill sergeant.

But it’s right I did act like an overprotective, critical father! Not all the time but still…

And after that I get exhausted and give up on the relationship.

Striving towards Perfection (specially with Humans) isn’t a wise thing to do I guess… and I tried to make them “perfect” the way I wanted even though at that time I just saw it as a care and concerned about their health.

Or is it just like my parent thinks they still have to care about me like even though I’m not a kid anymore…

Yes, it was! But you know you don’t need to accept her marriage proposal, right?

Exactly! No rush… If she wants to rush things, please know that you have the right to say No. Even if she doesn’t like that…

Right haha! No I don’t need to accept her marriage proposal. I’ll still try to communicate clearly as possible.

The other day I was thinking about why I feel the way I feel and I think… Like why I don’t have high expectations or even good expectations from the dating. And I could think of the possible reasons

1. I’m emotionally exhausted from this
2. External environment could be the big reason as well not just my friends but like everywhere I see it just that all be like it’s lot of mind games and complex – not like clear communication as it should be. So yeah it’s like a confirmation bias

• The way I perceive my past relationships. Like Did I even had a healthy relationship before that I’m longing for it again?

So because of these reasons, I just feel more hopeless and I just feel not excited for dating. Not more than Maybe just some time spending and physical pleasure.

And yeah what about you? Did you celebrate valentine week?

Dear Tee,

Is that Romanian? Had to look it up but am still not sure…

Haha Yes

Oh I see, it was recent. What would they argue with you? That you shouldn’t take swimming classes because it’s dangerous?

My mom was scared because in past my little brother had an accident at the river but luckily saved. I was with him that time and I didn’t knew swimming either. So it’s like swimming and river are past fear for her..

Yeah, it does seem they are a little overprotective. I wonder how they’ve survived you leaving home at the age of 16 and living alone, if they are so worried about you even to this day? How did they even allow it?

Omg yeah It wasn’t easy! and they tried lot of things to make me stay. But I was really stubborn about it and figured every answer to their worries. And still, they’d call me every day for more than two months.

Yeah, and there might be a similarity with how your parents acted with you (and are still acting with you). Overprotective, trying to control you (although not succeeding), and doing it “for your own good”…

Oh you know what this could be right! 😂

Yes, it does seem like that… that you tend to behave in romantic relationships a little bit like your parents behave with you…

Yeah, need to break this pattern.

Yeah, it’s pretty destructive for the relationship if you see the person as “lacking” and try to make them “perfect”. The person feels not good enough, whereas you put yourself in a superior position, and basically judge and criticize them for “underperforming”. Of course, you can say it’s all with a good intention, “for their own good”, but it’s not a healthy, equal relationship.

Yes, and it makes them feel inferior which makes things even worse. Because they don’t feel much comfortable after that. Eg. “Share their true self” And as the comfort decreases, means the distance is just increasing. Right?

In a healthy relationship, we accept the person as they are – we don’t try to change them and mold them into something that we would like them to be. It doesn’t mean we need to tolerate and accept some of their bad habits, however fundamentally we don’t try to change the person to be something they are not. It’s like we look at them with love and acceptance, not with a measuring stick that says “not good enough”.

Yes I totally agree with you! But my critical self just tried to look what they can do better? Just like I did with myself.

Yeah, no wonder, because it’s like you’re in a war with the person, trying to make her do what you think is right for her, and she wouldn’t… And maybe you think she doesn’t love you if she resists, if she has different priorities and preferences than you? And so you conclude it’s not worth the trouble because things can’t be the way you want them to be?

Yeah so thing is that I did felt like they don’t care about me anymore because they don’t prioritize the same things. And after that I’m like well I’m doing this many things for them, I’m prioritizing them but If they don’t care why should I? I could be 10x colder than them (Crazy I know) and I did end my relationships in I’d say extreme anger. I felt it but I didn’t express that anger. I just wrote the letters that this isn’t working out and I don’t want it like this anymore. After that like we talked about “Emotional dependency”, And I feel like I don’t need anyone to depend on.

Yes, it seems some of your friends tell you you need to “play the game”, which makes it look like some kind of competition, like who is going to outsmart whom… Whereas a healthy relationship is not a competition, but a loving and supportive co-existence (or something like that, I can’t think of a better definition now).

Exactly! But I think it should be from both ways, right? It can’t work if I’m the only one being vulnerable and try to communicate clearly as possible. Or it could be same effect if I do that, But I think it depends.. I’m working on my heart shield, It doesn’t mean others wanna put out theirs

I imagine you haven’t had a healthy relationship so far, because of those emotional wounds and programming that stem from your childhood. So no wonder you fear more of the same… But what you’ve experienced so far isn’t what a true relationship looks like. Trust that you too can have a healthy relationship, but you’d need to heal some of your patterns before that’s possible.

I agree with you. You think I’m ready? Or I still need lot of healing even to start dating someone? I think now my goal should is being comfortable in dating first, So I don’t feel intimated quickly. You know what I mean? Also like just feel more confident around women and see all as equals.

Well, not particularly, I did get flowers from my husband. But we’ve never really paid attention to that date, so I don’t consider it important. But we do have a very good and strong relationship, and that’s what matters most

You’re right! I’m really happy for you 🤗

And I wanted to ask… We’re talking about already healthy and established relationship…
But what can I do for just start the dating? Because tbh I still feel very new to all these…
I mean like the learning the starting? Idk how to explain… Since relationships I had without distance was lot of years ago and I already knew those women well, and they proposed, but I think that time I was really naïve and I didn’t know what I was doing in the relationship.

It’s been few days I started to feel hopeless and inferior at work, Just mood swings like that. And I’m feeling this pressure to get back doing productive things, and for a short while I am productive, but I searched, and I found that mood swings like those could be sign of bipolar disorder but I’m not sure. It’s like for a time being I’m feeling really good and after few minutes I’m like what am I doing? And then feel hopeless. Or this kind of things happen to an optimistic person?

I looked it up for what CTPSD means.

And not all, But many things are related. I’m actually surprised!

• difficulty controlling your emotions – Yes
• feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world – No
• constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness – Frequent (Nowadays)
• feeling as if you are permanently damaged or worthless – Mostly
• feeling as if you are completely different to other people – Yes more or less
• feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you – Yes
• avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult – Yes
• often experiencing dissociative symptoms such as depersonalisation or derealisation – Yes
• physical symptoms, such as headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches – Less Frequent
• regular suicidal feelings. – No

Dear Tee,

Good that you’ve realized it at a relatively young age! But the imprint stayed, and so their perfectionism became your own perfectionist inner critic. Which is telling you that you’re not good enough, not accomplishing enough at work, not earning enough money etc etc. It’s sad that both your father and grandfather were perfectionists, so you received a double dose of criticism.

Yes the IMPRINT! That’s the thing I’m working on

Not only that, but it seems there was no male role model who could have served as a positive father figure (“My neighbors are like that, older relatives etc because they grew up in competitive environment“). So you were surrounded by bad role models…

Yes exactly! And as we talked recently now I realized how good it is to be surrounded by good and supportive role models

Right… so for your grandfather, it seems you were a tool to boost his vanity and pride. He boasted to others with your accomplishments, while at the same time he wasn’t really proud of you, but kept criticizing you. I can see how damaging it was for you, and how toxic. I understand why you wanted to get away ASAP…

Yes and at that time I was like I’ll make him proud of me. But later I realized that his pride and ego are much toxic

It’s good you weren’t criticized by your mother and grandmother. However, I get the feeling that they didn’t protect you from your father’s and grandfather’s criticism either. Your mother told you to take your father’s criticism silently and “maturely”, so basically she never challenged your father to change his approach. My father never protected me from my mother’s criticism either. That’s why the damage done by my mother was much bigger than it should have been. Because my father allowed the abuse and didn’t say anything. I think something similar happened to you too?

Yes I can say that’s really similar what happened to me. But what do you think what stopped your father and my mother from protecting us?

Yeah, and I think there is even a difference between self-esteem and self-confidence. Self-esteem is a basic sense of self-worth (which doesn’t depend on any skill that you possess), whereas self-confidence is related to various skills we have. Say a professional athlete may have a lot of self-confidence that they are good at sports, but once they get injured, they may feel worthless because their self-esteem was based on their skills and not on a deep inner sense that they are worthy as a person.

Perhaps you too feel self-confident is some things, but what is missing is a deeper sense of self-worth, of being worthy simply because you exist?

I totally agree with you! I do feel like I’m missing deeper sense of self-worth. And recently quite a lot

Right.. and it seems to me that you’re very cautious with relationships not only because of your father’s (and grandfather’s) criticism, but also because you weren’t protected enough by your mother. So relationship might seem like a very scary thing, where no one is on your side?

Right! and that’s the reason why I also still have fear of commitment. It feels so scary.

Okay, you’re afraid to be judged by your partner. So to protect yourself, you rather judge her and make her seem deficient, so to feel less vulnerable? Like, you first judge her before she can judge you?

Hmm may not like who’s first but like because I tried to kind of make the relationship and the person “Perfect” like we talked about empathy before. I used to directly run for the fix instead of empathizing first.

Okay, so you don’t want a relationship to be a competition and a power struggle. You hate it.

EXACTLY!

And that’s why you’d rather not go into it. But the problem is that a part of you believes that relationship is a power struggle. Or at least that being in a relationship means being judged, criticized and hurt. That you can’t show your weaknesses, or even your spontaneity (like dancing while cooking lunch) without being criticized. Right?

Yes being vulnerable and showing weakness as well as opening up as I should be that’s something I need to work on.. and I believe I’m little better than before in that regard.

For spontaneity I don’t feel criticized. Because in my previous relationships I received lot of good compliments about it and I myself believe that without spontaneity relationships are much less fun.. Because I’m someone who gets bored pretty quickly

And if you approach relationships from that vantage point (which is a vantage point of fear), then I think it’s better not to date. Because you’ll likely get more of the same. But if you work on slowly dissolving that fear, on realizing why it’s there and then dissolving it… that’s when you open yourself to a different kind of dynamic in a relationship. To a possibility of a healthy relationship.

I want to get out from this fearsome repetitive cycle. So, I will date and experiment till I have the success.

That would be my answer to your question whether you’re ready to date (You think I’m ready? Or I still need lot of healing even to start dating someone?). I think you’re ready to date if you can let go of some of that fear of judgment in the relationship. We can talk more about it, if you’d like to…

Yes we can talk more about it since I’m still confused even so that I’m being mindful about myself. It’s still makes me overthink

I have a funny example about fear of judgement. So the date I told you about (Before the doctor) I was in hurry, I took a shower I get ready and forget to put the deodorant and just went out. And when she started being touchy and huggy with me I realized heck I forget the deo and instead of being in the moment and even though I knew that she’s not thinking about that I smell, But in my head I was like don’t let come near too much now because of your mistake now she’d take you as someone who doesn’t even groom himself properly. And I was actually trying to be less touchy with her just because of this overthinking and fear 😂

Dear SereneWolf,

Yes, and the imprint is carried by the inner child… that’s why it needs inner child healing.

I told you about my CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) Right?

Well, my father had his own emotional wounding related to his mother. I think he was trying to get love and validation from his emotionally distant mother. He repeated that in the relationship with his wife, i.e. my mother. So he always tried to “please” and “appease” my mother, and he never wanted conflict with her. It was important for him that my mother isn’t angry with him. That was his priority, not my well-being or even his own well-being. And so he stayed silent and endured what he shouldn’t have endured.

Ohh I see. So just enduring silently could be pretty damaging as well.

With your mother, there could have been also cultural factors at play, maybe that women shouldn’t object to their husbands? So perhaps that contributed to your mother staying silent?

Yes totally agree! Old beliefs!

I see… yes, if you’re missing a deeper sense of self-worth, it’s very likely related to that incessant criticism that you’ve heard from your father and grandfather….

Even now? Even though I don’t focus much on what they say. Even if it’s the past wound. I’ll have to build strong sense of self-worth again. I’m done feeling worse about myself! And also because it’s something stopping me from being compassionate with myself.

Right… because the closest relationships for you were a source of stress and humiliation, not a source of encouragement and support. And also broader relationships weren’t too supportive either, because as you’ve said, it was all about rivalry and who is more accomplished, who makes more money etc. No wonder you didn’t want to show any vulnerability, or your true self.

Exactly!

But do you know what Henry Cloud’s definition of intimacy is? Intimacy = into me see.

We need to allow the other person to see us, to see into us, otherwise there can be no intimacy and no real relationship.

What a great way to explain! I agree with that. But like what does it mean to let them see into us? Does it mean let them know what we’re thinking without judging, without fear of criticizing, and also being vulnerable or something more?

It could be that your inner child is still afraid to be seen, because he believes he’s not good enough, not worthy enough? But if you can truly believe that you’re good enough and have so many good qualities, and that you don’t need to be perfect (unlike your parents and grandparents told you!)… then you might allow another person to “see into you”. As we’ve talked about before, you don’t need to spill out all your deepest secrets on the first date, just maybe share one vulnerable thing and see how she reacts…

Yes maybe this inner feeling not being worthy is damaging me for so long that I lost track of my own self.
Right! One step at a time

I said it because you mentioned earlier that you fear they might judge you for your spontaneity:

I mean with my parents I still do, but not with my romantic interests.

Good! I guess you can now be more mindful while dating and observe yourself, and notice if the fear arises… which is already a big step!

Thanks for giving me hope though. I was about to give up if I didn’t find out its not only about dating but it’s much more deeper thing to resolve.

Today I listened to this podcast and it had an interesting concept about childhood trauma. Like today pretty much every one have some issues related to childhood that they need to address and work on. But instead feeling like a victim. Being mindful in the present and accept that and he quotes from the Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna said: “Whatever happened, happened for the good; Whatever is happening, is happening for the good; Whatever will happen, will also happen for the good only.”

Just think about it like if everything went perfectly would you have this drive to improve yourself and work on yourself every day? Probably not. So it’s like bitter and sweet things mixed cocktail which is fun thing about life and that’s what makes it interesting and worth living not just like a raw water.
Makes me think that striving for this inner peace is nothing less than a great war against ourselves.