Ola Tee,

I have to shift my attention from that pain (and the entire narrative that it evokes) to something constructive, where I can actually change things, where I don’t need to feel stuck. So that’s been my battle, and I still haven’t won it 🙁

How’s that battle going? Feeling any better?

I guess that’s why he needs to take the antibiotics over the period of 6 months?

Yeah, and now he’s doing better, but even though he can, he doesn’t do much physical activity to recover faster. He’s just on the phone all day, which is irritating. Watching short content also has a bad effect on the brain… but no, he won’t understand.

I do hope you’ll find a suitable job ASAP. Please try not to lose self-confidence, because you’re a very capable young man. The current situation, with you supporting your family even without being employed, speaks to that. I like what you said here:

*I also know deep down that no matter what, I’ll figure things out if I just get the opportunity.*

Yes, definitely! You’re very capable, and you’ll figure things out. Just don’t start doubting yourself!

Thanks for your encouraging words! But because it was taking a toll on my mental health, I went to Vipassana Meditation Centres (they’re all over the world) and omg, what an actually serene experience. I went there for a 10-day course — no electronics, no talking. You have to take noble silence there. You just meditate for 8–10 hours every single day, with a one-hour discourse in the evening. So good and so eye-opening.

They put a lot of weight on equanimity, and it’s based on Buddha’s way of meditation. I think you should check it out. It definitely helped me a lot with many things. My attention span is better, and for the last few days, I’ve been applying for a lot of suitable roles. Let’s see.

So he was working for himself and wasn’t paying anything towards his retirement? And hasn’t set anything aside as a savings fund?

Nope. Just the house and food expenses. And when there’s some saving, they spend it on some big thing, like a vehicle or renovation and stuff. So, although from the start, I knew that I’d have to handle and take care of the family financially.

I hear you, because I know it very well — when the old narrative starts creeping in. Mine is the narrative of hopelessness, yours is of no self-worth. Worthlessness. But it’s such a huge, monumental lie, SereneWolf. It’s the old program creeping in, but you know how to switch it off. You can repeat to yourself something like: *I am worthy always, even when I don’t have a job.*

You’ve been raised with the narrative that your worth is measured by how much money you make, right? By how financially successful you are… and that’s such a cruel stance.

Yes, I agree. That’s why I scheduled a counselling meeting for next week. Hopefully this therapist will be good. In the last few months, I booked two therapists but both were very generic, so I didn’t continue.

Something just occurred to me: it could be that parents were saying this to their children because they expected to be taken care of in their old age. If the children aren’t successful, the parents won’t be properly taken care of. So perhaps this entire culture of measuring a child’s worth through material success is based on that selfish premise — of worrying about their own old age and trying to ensure they’d be properly cared for.

I don’t want to speak badly of your parents, but perhaps the culture in India is a bit cruel towards children in general. You were raised in such a culture, and it’s very hard to extricate yourself from that conditioning.

Yes, it’s not their fault. It’s generally the culture here. So yeah, it’s their old wiring. And not only that, but it makes me think — their love, is it genuine? Or is it because I’m fulfilling their expectations? Maybe that’s why I have trust issues in relationships, like, why would you love me without a reason? It’s hard to believe in selfless love.

Still, I do hope you find a job soon, and something you like as well. Are you still looking for remote positions exclusively?

Thanks. Yes, remote roles exclusively.

What about bike riding and other activities that you said you love?

Since I’m in another city, I don’t have my bike here, so I can’t do bike rides. But here I do spend more time watching sunsets.

I hope your situation changes soon… but you know, perhaps what should change first is the inner situation — your self-image — where you’re telling yourself that you’re worthless without a job. If that’s what you’re telling yourself, or are tempted to, please change it. Please rewrite this false narrative. And then perhaps even your outer situation will change all of a sudden.

Wishing you luck and rooting for you, SereneWolf!

Thanks, that’s what I’m trying. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start. Especially when it comes to self image I don’t know how to work on it properly.
That reminds me.. since you know my patterns well (honestly more than I do), can you tell me what exact points I should raise with the therapist?