Dear Addy,

Thank you both for your insightful response. It lightened my bulb about being Empathic. I should try to be more empathic than trying to not criticize… I need to be more compassionate with others and myself.

you are very welcome. I am glad your light bulb went off about needing to have more empathy, not just for others but for yourself too.

I don’t like when people complain and not doing anything about it.

mostly what I do is when I listen to complain I directly go for solutions

This kind of approach is called the unbalanced masculine: when someone complains about something, i.e. expresses pain or hurt, we immediately offer solutions, instead of simply saying “I am sorry, this must be hard for you.”

Validating the person’s pain is the first step to empathy. In fact, there is a step before that: In order to validate another person’s pain, we need to first be in touch with our own pain and validate our pain. We can’t be empathetic with others unless we feel empathy for ourselves first.

I don’t want complaint about him [your father] or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

Constant complaining is not a good habit, and I understand if you don’t like it. However, expressing pain, hurt, sadness… isn’t necessarily bad. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we complain if we express our pain. In fact, expressing our emotions and naming them is the first step towards healing.

It seems to me, Addy, that the reason you don’t like listening to people “complaining” (i.e. sharing about something that bothers them) is that their pain reminds you of your pain, and you don’t want to get in touch with that pain (the pain you’ve experienced as a child and youth being heavily criticized by your father). You want to quickly jump to solutions, without “sitting” with that pain, without even admitting it’s there.

Empathy is the opposite of that: admitting the pain, sitting with it, not judging ourselves for it, just witnessing it and having compassion for ourselves for having experienced such pain.

What do you say?

Dear Addy,

[Tee] In fact, there is a step before that: In order to validate another person’s pain, we need to first be in touch with our own pain and validate our pain. We can’t be empathetic with others unless we feel empathy for ourselves first.

[Addy] But I couldn’t understand this. What if we didn’t have the similar pain or experience?

Hm, I think that we don’t actually have to have a similar type of experience (a similar wounding) to understand someone else’s pain. My pain can come from e.g. being criticized, and someone else’s pain can come from being neglected – from their parent not paying attention to them. But the inner feeling of pain is similar: feeling unloved, uncared for, unsupported…

Maybe it can be compared to physical pain: I can empathize with someone who has broken their leg, even tough I myself have never broken a limb. But I can imagine how hard it is for them, and I have experienced other types of physical pain, so I can relate.

I don’t know if this explains it?

Reposting:

Dear Addy:

Addy, Nov 23: “The photo I chose is me wearing green t-shirt white stripped with big (not too big) smile. My mum still tells me I have brightest smile. That time I had dimples too. Not now (sucks). And innocent looks with drape haircut haha”-

Nov 21, I suggested to you: “maybe Addy the boy wants to complain about his father being hard on him and attacking him with criticism“, and Addy the boy, who still wears a smile, still has the brightest smile on his face, answered: “To be honest. No. I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that“-

-Addy the boy, with the brightest smile on his face, definitely and with no uncertain terms- will not complain! He will not turn that smile into a frown!

The first smiley face emoji in your posts was on your 2nd post, Sept 23, 2022, another on your 3rd post Sept 29, another on your 4th post, following “Have a Funtastic day” (this one is a bigger smile, more like a laugh), another on the 5th post- these in your first thread. In this 2nd thread, your first smiley face emoji appears on Oct 3, following these words: “It’s easy for me to be happy. E.g. I look up at the sky and oh there’s the big blue sky and green trees… Yay I’m happy”.

Smiley Happy Addy.

Oct 8, you asked me: “How are you doing? Good plans for the weekend? Things that you love during your weekends?“- very straightforward, very friendly, very outgoing, very smiley.

Oct 16, Addy (age 26): “I haven’t approached a girl first…(not)  Even Once.“. anita: “it will take courage on your part to carry on an rl relationship for the first time in a very long time (4 years, approximately?), and to approach a woman first, for the first time in your life“. Addy: “Yeah more than 4 years actually, Also today on IG I found that my attachment Style is Fearful-avoidant attachment style.. Low self-esteem, shunning emotional closeness or intimacy”-

-outside our online communication, outside the typing of words and smiley faces, and underneath the Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy- there is a fearful Addy, an Avoidant Addy, an Addy who shuns emotional closeness.

Oct 29, Addy: “I don’t like the criticism of my father, so I simply don’t focus on it and my focus on my things because I know he isn’t right.. I’m trying to be very rational and not just dwell in what everyone’s opinions about me. Because only I know What I’m capable of and What I’ve been through I decide my limits, not other people“- underneath the confident, rational, sensible Addy there is… a not so rational Addy, a fearful Addy.

Nov 16, Addy: “Today I was thinking about my relationship patterns… Start with me giving good attention, I feel so much attracted… after that when they finally start to get even closer with me, I just feel like I don’t know how to explain but like trapped?… so after that I just try to avoid the deep feelings“- when the long-distance girlfriends whom you never met in person get closer to you, you get scared, fearful that they will see the Addy underneath the smile.

I would like to welcome the Addy underneath the smile into this thread. The rational, brightest-smile, very friendly, confident, outgoing Addy needs the fearful Addy boy because without this precious, fearful boy… you are trapped in a vacuum that needs to be filled.. filled with all that you are.

anita

Dear Addy:

“Just today I’ve tried to empathize my friend, but the thing was that her stupidity made me little grumpy“- your effort to empathize with her drastically failed when you judged her to be stupid.

“And for work I had to speak in Indirect way to one of the colleague, ‘like yeah it’s not like I told you to do it 3 days before. Obviously, you have other important stuff to do’“- you were indirectly but clearly rude to this poor colleague of yours. I feel sorry for her and for any other work colleague unfortunate enough to receive your abuse.

“But after that I felt like I did hurt her in some way. I don’t know why attacking like that is a reflex for me“- angry and judgmental Addy Attacks people.

“I know how to light up the environment around me. Or at least sometimes“- sadly, at other times, you darken the environment around you.

“I don’t know why attacking like that is a reflex for me… it’s also true that I shun emotional closeness and I’m not sure why… I have to ask myself like what is it that I’m fearing?…  I thought about both of these things, but nothing is comping up from inside“- in our long communication I suggested reasons and explanations.. but none was considered by you, none received, and you remain clueless. I highly recommend that you seek quality, professional therapy. I hope that you get to the root of your anger, resolve it, and no longer reflexively attack people at work and elsewhere.

anita