Anita

yes it’s true I can’t make this up even if I tried

Anita.
You’re response did help me some.

Anita

im still hurting deeply.  I’m down 11 pounds from not eating much.  I can barely think .  I work in the medical field and I’m finding it hard to concentrate on my job.   My co workers have noticed a change in me. I was once bright and bubbly. Now I’m a walking empty shell looking sad and not caring about anything anymore.   He really hurt me.  I can’t stop thinking about him and how much I want him to come back.  I can’t even get a hold of him.  His phone is shut off because my friend tried calling from her number and it went straight to voicemail on several different occasions.  He made a new Facebook account and it showed up on my feed.  I am not blocked from it.  I just want to reach out to him one last time.   If he didn’t live with me or we weren’t engaged or got “married” , it would have been easier I think.  I wake up hoping he would be beside me.
His one friend who owns a Turkish restaurant invited me there soon to visit her and her husband.  But I feel I can’t go because we went there a lot. It would be too painful for me.
I still can’t understand how he can just pick up and leave me like this without talking to me face to face like and adult and talking things through .   I keep wondering if he will ever come back to me or even misses me.  It just hurts .

Anita

I am starting to feel a little better.  Not much.  I just can’t stop thinking about him.  I feel so empty and my heart is still so heavy .  I am grieving .  I have no interest in doing anything .  I go with my friends and i cant even get myself to enjoy my time with them.  All I do is thing about him.    I know this is wrong but my friend tried to call him for me while i was in her presence on her phone….it went directly to voicemail.  We tried for several hours.  Still went to voicemail.  His phone has been shut off or else it would have rang. If he changed his number it would have said number no longer in service.  I just wanted to talk to him so bad.   I still believe it was his friends that convinced him to leave me.  If they told him to come back to me , i think he would.   I re read the last text he wrote. I feel it wasn’t him talking  His texts are broken english.  The texts he sent were not broken english.  I believe it was his so called “cousin” talking. Not him.   I miss him badly.   I can’t even go to the places we went to.  It hurts too much still.   I dont’ think he realized how much pain he has caused when he left.   So many things remind me of him and us.  I can’t even delete our pictures off facebook and instagram.     I want closure. I want answers.  I know he didn’t want this.  When i spoke to his friend who owns the restaurant we went to alot, she said the week before all he talked about was how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me, and how he wanted us to get married at her restaurant and have our dinner party there.   Im still so confused.   People and friends tell me to move on and get over it.  How can you just move on and get over it?   They don’t understand.   My one friend suggested to pay a visit to his friend who owns the restaurant and sit and talk with her.  I may do that at some point. She told me i am welcome there anytime.

I have read about anxious attachment.  I know i have it.   I read about avoidment attachment too. Which he has too.

The other day, my friend tried to fix me up on a blind date.  I simply excused myself and walked out.  I am not ready and I can’t date and use these men as bandaids.  It would not be fair.   I need to be alone.  I still want to get my passport and take a long trip to clear my head, but i have noone to go with me.

This is so painful and feels like my insides have been ripped out.   Its a nightmare!  Maybe one day he will realize what he did and realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and come back.  He kept telling me the other girls he dated were crazy and money hungry since he was an mma fighter but he quit fighting for awhile, until he met me and told me I am normal and not like the other girls.    I pray everyday he will reach out to me.

Anita

Happy 4th of July to you too!

Anita

Update:

Two days ago, I had reached out to my ex fiance one last time.  The only place he did not block me I found was Instagram messenger that was connected to my fb messenger.  He had sent me a funny meme 2 months ago while we were still together and I had kept it there.   I called him on that messenger.  I hung up.  Then few seconds later he replied with a question mark.

Our conversation went like this:   I said Hi How are you?  .  Him: Im okey how are you.  Me: Are you out working ? Him: Yes, how are you?  .  Me: Im really not ok.   Him: ! why.  Me: Do you miss me? .  Him: No.   Me:How can you say that?  Him: Please I no want broken your heart.  Good Luck Jeni.   Me:  You did .  You hurt me so bad.   Him: Take care of yourself.  You nice girl, a nice man  a nice person will come in your life.  Me:  Then why did you leave me if Im all that.  I loved you! You left me so heartbroken and empty.  Him: Im sorry.  You have so nice life.  Me:  How could you do that to someone you loved?    Him: I No have good life, Im sorry. I no can give you a good life I don’t want us to stay anymore together. I don’t wanna break your heart.

Me:   Why did you do this.  You wanted al of it with me and then to leave me like you did.  Thats not love.    Him:  ok. sorry.

Me:   You don’t hurt the ones you love no matter what.   Him:  Ok.  Me:  I miss you ok. And I keep hoping you will come back.  Him:  Im sorry im not still anymore in (our city).  Me:  Where did you go    Him:  Im in Florida.    Me: I had a feeling you had moved there.   Him:  If you want text me still friend.  If you not want to text me, its ok too.   Me: How can I when Im blocked.

Him: Im  open.  I know can stay anymore in (our city).   Me: I tried calling you several times.  Is that why you left me so you can go to florida?   Him: Not call me now, Im not ready to talk to you.  You nice girl , you have nice family, I respect everybody. Please forget me.   Me:  How can i forget you.  You will always have a place in my heart.  I wanted nothing more than to be your wife so much.  I wont forget you.  Please tell me the  truth.  Why did you leave me?   We could have talked about everything.

Him: Sorry. Take care yourself.   Me:  Did you love me? Please tell me the truth.  Did it hurt you to leave me like you did?  Him: Sorry.    Me: Anyways I guess it doesn’t really matter now. I wish you the best babe.  I will miss you so much.  Just know that I truly deeply did love you unconditionally.  I still do love you.  You meant everything to me.  Through the pain and the tears after you left me….I still do love you and will always miss you.  You will always have a special place in my heart.    Him: ok. (and a prayer emoji)  I know cant say nothing sorry good luck.  I gave you everything so nice.  God give you everything so nice.

Me:  Thank you.   Him: You are a nice person when you’re a nice girl you want a good life.  I no can give you a good life.  I think you will find normal guy start love different person different guy.   Me:  I don’t think I can for a long time.  You really made an impact on me and my life.  I fell in love with you instantly and your culture. Everything!! I don’t think i will ever love another man like i loved you in a very long time.     Him:  ok. Take care of yourself. Be careful ok.  Me: ok . You too sweetie.  Please keep in touch with me ok.  Him: ok.

That was the last conversation even though his english was broken..  I have some closure.  But….I never cried so hard in my entire life.  He really impacted my life.  My heart is still heavy with sadness.   I miss him so damn much it hurts.   He is now in another state and there is nothing I can do about it.  There was nothing I could have done to stop him from leaving me.  I know deep down he misses me and loves me but didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to break my heart any further than it was already.

I guess Im not meant to be loved or to be with anyone.   Everyone tells me to move on, forget him.  I just wish someone would explain it to my heart.   Im completely heartbroken.    I still cry a lot  I cry in the car when our songs come on, I cry at home, i cry after i get to my car after work,  I try to keep it together at family functions and when i go out with friends.   I am a complete mess.   People keep telling me it was too fast, it was only 3 months together.  Yes that may all be true, but if both parties feel it is right , why not.  Life is short.    But those 3 months we were each others everything, inseperable basically.   We loved each other soo much, but he loved me enough to leave me because he felt he couldn’t provide for me and give me the life I deserve.   I will miss him forever .