Dear Niki,

I am sorry it didn’t work out. Please read my message with an open mind.

Yeah you were together for 7 years and knew eachother for 9 years. Your castes were the same but there were major cultural, economic differences. You were willing to adjust but he wasn’t. After 7 years, he chose them over you.

Yet here you are saying that –

You sacrificed your oppurtunities, potential to be with him. You would prefer to waste your education and oppurtunities to adjust in his house.

And why so?

Because you love him
Because you were in relation for 7 years

What about your parents?

They are encouraging you to be self-reliant, they have looked after you since you were small and even swallowed their self-respect to listen to this guy’s family’s nonsensical demands about your economic independence. They tried hard to convince his family to put your abilities to use.

And what are you doing here?

Crying about some man who forgot his promise to be with you no matter what? What was he doing for 7 years? Playing angry birds on his phone? Immaturity is no excuse for serious decisions like this.

Do you honestly think that an independent woman like you would have adjusted in that culture? Do you think that relationship is only about one person making every sacrifice? What about your own self respect?

Now you are sitting at home, crying and upset, not willing to go out – cursing yourself for not marrying him

Is your whole life and identity about love and a guy? Is that really the value system you have?

If your boyfriend was really a strong, independent man, he wouldn’t have allowed his family to do this bullshit. Normally in India, people don’t get married because of caste problem, community different, religion different – then there is economic status difference – it’s a damn miracle things work out in love marriages unless both the partners are really strong and trust eachother.

He did not trust your family’s intentions, he didn’t trust you either and allows them to control his gadget use – what is he? 16 years old?

You deserve better. You are only 25 years old. Please stop thinking your life is over because a relationship didn’t work out. You would have been stuck with a weak man and had your education wasted had this worked out.

Think about your family too for a change. Think about your career too. You can go to as many psychologists as you want but unless you get out of this “either it’s love or nothing” mindset, life will never move forward.

I am very sorry I sounded so harsh, so blunt but I am tired of seeing women break down like this, give themselves away so much in a relationship. Never ever compromise on your self respect for a guy. He has to be willing to fight for you too. Your family tried. Think about how they must be suffering to see you like this, completely shattered.

Regards
Nina

Dear Niki:

I am sorry you are experiencing such pain and devastation.

I have a question. You wrote: “He never introduced me to his family in these 7 years, they didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. On the other hand, everyone from my family knew about him including my parents.”

How could it be that, in the course of seven years, it was not a great concern on your part, and on your family’s part, that he kept you a secret from his family?

anita

Dear Niki:

I want to understand best I can what happened, having only your sharing on this thread to use for my understanding. I will summarize first: you and him where friends for 9 years, ever since you were 16 and he was 18. You were girlfriend/ boyfriend for 7 years, you 18-25; he was 20-27.

You wrote that he was genuine and kind, caring, “understood me inside out,” that you “were inseparable” and “The thought of us getting apart would usually depress him and scare him to death.” You wrote the two of you planned a married life together in great details.

He never introduced you to his family in these 7 years, they didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. On the other hand, everyone from your family knew about him including your parents.

He told you that the reason he kept you as his girlfriend a secret from his parents is because his parents do not approve of him having a girlfriend except soon before marrying. His plan was to wait until the two of you “are ready to get married and then he’ll tell them and explain them.”

* I am wondering what “explain them” means- the plan was that he will tell them that he dated you for seven years while keeping it a secret from them OR was the plan that he lies to them and say he just started dating you…

And after 7 years the time has come to tell them. “His parents were taken aback, but accepted to meet my parents and me.”

* If he told them that he dated you for seven years without their knowledge because he knew they would disapprove, that would explain why they would be “taken aback.”

You wrote that his parents are “extremely rich” They told your parents that he doesn’t have to work much, having their money, I suppose, and that they don’t want his future wife to work, so that the future wife will be available to him at home.

Your parents tried to persuade them to let you work, that you can help them in heir business, because they have educated you and you are extremely talented. Later your parents and you agreed that you will not be working once married, just as they wanted. Your uncle apologized to his father for not giving in to what they wanted (that you don’t work) right away, and asked him to “please to not break this relation”.

“His dad said it is decision of elders and my bf is okay with it.” Then the boyfriend’s behavior changed. “And after 3 days, his father called up my Dad and told him they don’t want to go ahead with this. No reason was given, he said even my boyfriend was OKAY with that.” Next the boyfriend’s phone number and his social media accounts were deactivated.

“When I asked about all the promises he made, he said he was immature all this time, now he has become practical. He said his dad’s BP dropped and he can’t chose me over them. He turned so much cold…”

You also wrote: “His parents were somewhere against love marriages from the beginning”

You also wrote: “I just feel it was my mistake that I spoke up about my job and work, I should have just accepted their demands and married him.”

You wrote: “he loved me when they were not in the picture.”

And last, you wrote: “He always told me he is their son and they would always support his happiness as parents.
But I guess he never knew what his parents were capable of and he was probably running the relationship on a risk somewhere keeping me in dark..”

This is getting long, so my thoughts based on this review, will follow in the very next post.

anita

Dearest Niki,

I am so sorry for what this horrible jerk and his horrible parents have done to you.  I myself have had to go through something similar.  My ex’s parents were asian, also conservative despite one being Japanese and the other from Hong Kong, and refused to have anything other than asian grandchildren, which I, not being asian, could not give them.  So it is not unique to Indian culture or any other culture I think…  It seems to be simply an excuse used to control and manipulate their children.  There are a lot of similarities that I have experienced that you have also experienced, so I hope I can help with my experiences.

First, I firmly believe from what you’ve said that his parents never, not even for a moment, ever accepted the possibility that their son would marry you.  The only reason they agreed to meet you and your parents was so that they could find a reason, any reason, to “logically” explain to their son why you are a bad/unfit/improper/not good enough/whatever person to marry.  Nobody in the world is perfect, so they could have found a way to criticize anyone. It doesn’t matter what you are really like.  They didn’t choose you for him, so you are automatically not good enough for them.  It doesn’t matter if you are fabulously gorgeous, incredibly brilliant, have won Nobel prizes in Peace, Literature, AND Science, because they did not choose you, you are not “good enough” and never will be.  That does not mean you are not good enough!!!  That simply means you are not controllable enough for them.  His parents clearly want control of their son and thus control over his wife too.  Because they didn’t choose you, they already “lost” some sense of control over him, and that is not acceptable to them.  Accept that no matter what you or your family and friends said, they were ****never**** going to accept you, but also know that it had nothing to do with you, your qualities, or your potential.

With that said, I agree very much that you dodged a bullet.  When I was younger, I was also told that my ex and his parents did me a favor by leaving, and although it took me some time to see that for myself, I did eventually also find that to be true.  They, your ex’s parents AND your ex, are ROTTEN PEOPLE.

Life gave them this test, and THEY failed it miserably.  Not you.  Not your parents, extended family, or friends.  You did very much to try bend over backwards to do anything it took to make this work, and they refused to acknowledge or work with that.  It sounds to me like maybe the parents would have threatened to disown their son if he chose to marry you.  And they blamed you for their health problems.  The same happened to me.  My mom’s ex had a stroke, and made their son believe it was because of our relationship.  Terrible parents use problems they would have had anyway as a weapon to manipulate their children and their feelings.  Your ex chose them over you, proving that he didn’t love you more than he allowed himself to be manipulated, BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  That is HIS failing, HIS incapacity to love deep enough, no matter what he said or how he acted.  When faced with this challenge, HE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  Not you.  Nothing you could have done would have changed this. If he was good enough, he would have pushed back on his parents, defended you, and protected you. The fact that he didn’t proves HE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. You deserve a husband that would defend his family from anyone, including his parents. That’s his job.

If you somehow had managed to marry him, the misery wouldn’t have ended.  If you raised wonderful children, they would say it was because of their good genes, not because of anything you did.  If any of your children had any problem at all, which, since life is not perfect, would be inevitable, they would blame you for those problems.  And what if either of you weren’t able to have kids? Because your ex, if you were married, would bow to his parents and not defend you, you would be constantly be degraded, dehumanized, and possibly crushed under the weight of it.  And the weight would be heavy.  I have next door neighbors who are also terrible. They are Latin American (again, it is not because of culture – stupid horrible people are stupid horrible people no matter what). They forced their son to get divorced after they had two kids, and then, when she got cancer, they pushed for a custody battle in which she lost custody. And then she died… She lost the will to fight. See how rotten people can be? You dodged that bullet!! You would also likely be in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship.  And you don’t deserve that.  You deserve better!!!!

Although it may seem that they are in the position of power, and from what it sounded like, they actively sought to act like they had all the power and you had none (which is what manipulative people want), you are now free of them.  And you walk away with MORE power than they have because you are blessed with better qualities than they have.  You are flexible.  You have a better relationship with your parents.  And you are loving, loving enough to sacrifice for someone else, which is true love. If you want later, you will be able to love someone else.  They have proven they are not capable of that.  But you have proven that you are!!!!  And that is not bad!  And because you have better qualities than they have, you will naturally find a better life than they can hope for.  Their money will not bring them happiness.

There are some lessons that can be learned from this.  I have made a lot of the same mistakes, but now at least I can point them out and teach others not to go down bad paths before it gets worse.  The first lesson I have learned is that as a giving person, recognize that you should limit how much you should give to anyone before they commit equally to you.  If your parents know him very well, you should not allow **for any reason** that he keep his parents from you. One sign of true love is that you want everyone to know about it, no matter what the obstacles are or what people think. I also chose to limit myself to relationships of no more than one year before he commits to marriage or else I leave.  One year is enough for him to commit completely or not, and if in one year he’s not sure, I walk away. I have to, or I will give too much.

Also, don’t worry that you are getting too old for marriage such that you marry the wrong person right away.  Be happy with yourself first.  Giving without receiving in return can leave you an empty shell of a person, so give yourself some time to build yourself up again.  Start working on your own career again.  Do things you enjoy and take the time to recognize what you are really good at. Find new things if you’re not sure or have forgotten.  Find friends or family that you feel good around and surround yourself with them.  I had a lot of mutual friends with my ex too, and I had to discuss this with my friends.  He ended the communication, but I decided he was dead to me.  I told them that I needed to trust that I could talk to them honestly without worrying that they were passing information or trying to be “go betweens” between us.  And yes, it meant I had to stay away from previous friends who I couldn’t trust to be true to me as a friend.  Those who chose to be friends with him I didn’t feel comfortable with anymore, at least until I had some time to heal and feel good about myself again.  But he should not be privy to ANY information about who you choose to date next, or even if you choose to date no one for awhile while you work on yourself.  You deserve to have some space to take care of yourself without his judgment or input of any kind, and that means putting an end to any info he receives about you.  But also don’t concern yourself with what he does next.  If he does end up getting married, it might make you wonder what she had that you didn’t – what made you not good enough.  But that’s not a fair comparison. Nothing you could have done would have changed the fact that HE is deficient, not you! So it doesn’t matter! Frankly, I feel sorry for whoever he ends up with.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER forget the fact that he is the loser in this.  He lost you because of his own stupidity and choice to not stand up to his parents.  Let them have their money and their son.  They won’t have you, so it’s their loss.  You are awesome!  And you don’t need him!  If you wanted to, you wouldn’t need any guy to have a great life!  There are always good kids to adopt who would love a good mom if you wanted kids!  Plenty of people are happy and never get married. And if you decide later, you can go out and find a worthy soul who WILL fight for your love and WOULD defend your family, including from his parents!  The best is still to come, so don’t worry.  Take some time to fill yourself up again, and then later you can again go out and make the world a better place.  You’ve already got everything you need to do that.

Wishing you the very best!  I know you can do it! You’re going to have a wonderful life because you are truly wonderful and loving!!!

Dear Niki:

I feel sad reading your story- I view you (from reading your thread) as an honest, decent, trustworthy young woman who does not deserve such personal devastation. It makes me think how foolish of that man to not marry you, what a big loss it is for him. If you learn all you can learn from this 7-8 year experience, learn on a deep level, then you can proceed to live a better life. This personal devastation does not need to be the end. I would like it to be a beginning.

Having reviewed your account best I can, it reads to me that the results of his parents meeting you and your parents/ family (uncle was involved somehow) was predetermined before any meeting took place. I think his parents had no intention to accept the relationship and move it toward marriage before they met you and your family, and it had nothing to do with your family members’ performance during those meetings.

It is possible that your ex boyfriend was in on it himself. It is possible that he too knew the results ahead of time. I tend to think so because he didn’t fight them, so it seems, not at all. I think he knew that 3 years of dating to you without their knowledge wouldn’t have satisfied them, being the strict people they are.

To me, as I understand it, your story is one of betrayal with a significant element of deceit.

In your last post you mentioned your skin color. How sad it is that dishonesty and deceit is acceptable to these people- something they choose (being dishonest) and yet, skin color, not something of a person’s choosing, is considered unacceptable or inferior. Dishonesty, pretense, deceit- these behaviors are unacceptable and inferior.

Back to this can be a beginning for you, a new beginning, a time for you to learn and make choices, with time and learning, when you are ready, maybe moving away and living elsewhere-

What do you think/ feel?

anita