Dear Tineoidea,

I mentioned before that once they got together, her criticism of me switched from our solvable relationship problems to “my character” and how I “abused” and “tortured” him (without any proof or explanations given).

Right, so there were things she didn’t like about you. Have you discussed those before your “friend” came into the picture? If so, how did you react to her criticism?

Dear Tineoidea,

Not really, she may have reacted to some minor behaviors of mine which irritated her a tiny bit (as I did with hers) a few times but that’s about it. We spoke about and acted on those, and they certainly weren’t something we couldn’t sleep over or even remembered the next week.

What comes to mind is that those things were minor for you, but perhaps not that minor for her? You use the words “minor”, “tiny bit”, “not worth remembering the next week”…  so you are minimizing them… but perhaps they weren’t so small in her mind? That could have been the reason why she gladly accepted and agreed with his criticism of you. And suddenly, it became a “character problem”, because they both saw something you weren’t willing to see?

I am not claiming that any of this is true, but just trying to understand her behavior. Her behavior may be irrational, in which case there is no logical explanation for any of it. But there might be something that you aren’t (and weren’t) willing to see, and this is what I am trying to explore – if you are willing, of course.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Tineoidea,

The relationship problem mostly centered about my living situation, and was very much solvable with a bit more time and effort. In fact, before she got involved with him, she did want to work on it together.

How willing were you to work on this problem?

She’s very vocal and direct about things she dislikes and repeats them often enough, so I do know those things, plus like I said, I did act on them.

Have you acted on the problem with your living situation?

The crux of the problem when it comes to my character, became the notion that I treated him very poorly, with no evidence of any kind being ever presented.

She believed him for some reason, and (unless she is completely irrational and he put “a spell” on her), the reason, as I said, might be that she felt treated poorly by you? I know you said it’s impossible because she complained out loud about the things she disliked, and you would have known if there was something that bothered her so much…  unless she was afraid to be completely honest with you? Afraid of being discredited perhaps, like she was by her brother? I am grasping at straws here, because I really don’t know what to suggest at this point, which would explain her behavior…

Dear Tineoidea,

Very, but her support in it was vital, although at times I felt like it was lacking since she probably didn’t quite grasp my struggles even though she said she did, and I explained it all in detail.
Neverthless, things still progressed until she got in with him, at that point she just began to blame those issues exclusively on me and angrily refused to acknowledge that she may have also failed me here and there even though it was most likely due to misunderstandings, all of which had a simple solution at hand.

It seems that before she got involved with him, your problems could have been solved with better communication and perhaps couple’s therapy (to deal with the misunderstandings and possible resentments here and there). But once he started exerting his influence, she flipped.

The switch in her behavior was radical once she involved herself with him, going as far as displaying traits I didn’t even think were in her, such as cruelty, blind anger, lack of empathy, gaslighting, heavy disrespect and a lot of dishonesty (even towards herself).

I am sorry about that, Tineoidea. There was probably some unresolved anger in her, maybe anger at her brother which she falsely directed at you. It completely overtook her. Your “friend” was a trigger. That’s how I can best explain what happened…

How are you feeling about it now?

Dear Tineoidea,

“There was probably some unresolved anger in her, maybe anger at her brother which she falsely directed at you.”

Actually I don’t think that’s the case. What I noticed is that she started to mirror his behavior towards me and using the same tactics which were alien to her before.

I see. It’s like she became a different person. I’ve mentioned it several times that she said she doesn’t know who she was. Suddenly changing her behavior and even personality completely, from one extreme to another, can be related to borderline personality disorder (BDP). I am not an expert and wouldn’t like to “slap” diagnoses on people, so this is just a possibility. A part of the BDP, as I read, is that they are confused about their identity:

“Identity disturbance is a term used to describe incoherence, or inconsistency, in a person’s sense of identity. This could mean that a person’s goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing.

It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) describes identity disturbance as a “markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self” and notes it is one of the key symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD).”

You say that she was behaving in one way with you, and then with him, she adopted his style and mannerism, as well as his way of thinking. So for example, when she was with you, she might have felt that the problems the two of you had were minor – because you said they were minor. With him, those same problems became huge – because he said they were huge. It’s like a child who doesn’t know to decide whether to cry or not after they fall – they first look at their mother to see her reaction. If the mother panics, the child starts crying. If the mother says it’s nothing and reassures the child, the child might not even start crying and keeps running around.

Anyway, this could be a possible explanation of the “flipping” that happened in her mind. If this is true, it’s a major issue and needs persistent therapy. Usually dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

I’m not sure how to feel but things have been (very slowly) getting easier. For now I’m giving it plenty of time and not contacting her.

Good strategy…

I still can’t shake off the feeling that this development has been very wrong and there’s some sort of childish hope growing in me. I want to believe that she’ll have to fortitude to come back to herself and detach himself from him, so we can at the very least have a proper conversation like we used to.

This development was wrong but I think it was inevitable – something else would have triggered her to flip sooner or later. Your “friend” was the catalyst. If she has BDP, she won’t be a pleasant partner to live with – unless she undergoes therapy. The only weird thing is that you said her parents were “exemplary”, and it doesn’t really go hand in hand with someone developing BDP. So perhaps not everything was so peachy as she told you it was… or of course, BDP is not what she is suffering from. So please, take this with a grain of salt…

Dear Tineoidea,

I have thought of BPD but generally it’s something which manifests itself much earlier in one way or another, not almost two years into the relationship. Who knows at this point.

I don’t know enough about it. I know that people with BDP have difficulty maintaining friendships (and relationships in general) because they tend to be very passionate and super attached at first, but then get angry and disappointed when the other person shows even the slightest signs  of “abandonment”, e.g. not agreeing with them, or not giving them what they demand. They may claim that “this person has turned against me”, even if it’s not true in reality, it’s just that they perceive it like betrayal. I don’t know if your girlfriend had such rocky relationships in her life, and such extreme reactions (before this situation with you)?

Thanks for the help nevertheless, it’s all been rather insightful.

You are very welcome. Please update us about the developments, if you feel like it.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Tineoidea,

I am sorry. She seems to have turned around completely and wants you out of her life.

Last time you said you feel “some sort of childish hope” that she would come back to her senses and at least want to talk to you. How are you feeling now?