Dear anita,

I apologize if i suddenly switch topics, i’ll reply on your thread above soon….

So yesterday i’ve met her parents and the meet up was quite okay… but i feel like i made several mistakes and there are issues that i need to fix, this really causes an upset to myself… like emotionally down…

Would u like to hear it? Or u might think this is just another scratch for a quick relief?

Dear anita,

This isnt the possible mistakes, but rather my disappointment in myself yesterday….

So before the food was served i pretend to the toilet and after that i immediately went to the cashier to pay the food bills… I want to treat that dinner, but than that girl saw me and told me i cant pay because her parents was the one who invited…. I was disappointed because when she said that i didnt keep insisting that i have to pay, then i just give up and let her pay… after the dinner i regret it… i shouldve keep insisting that i was the one paying… To have a better impression on her parents and because i think that a guy have to treat the girl’s parents… idk how her parents might think of me that in the end they are the one paying…. I feel like next time i need to be quicker and unnoticeable, but then i failed yesterday…

The other one was because at that dinner i was so quiet, as i thought in the first meeting i shouldnt talk too much and just let her parents ask what they want to know about me…. But then they didnt asked a lot…. After the dinner, that girl told me that her parents dont want to ask a lot because they dont want to make me uncomfortable… On this issue, i feel like i need to speak more to her family members…. As her mother told her, that her impression is that im a quiet person, and a guy shouldnt be too quiet….

The meeting was quite okay because her mother was friendly to me… she even took a fish meat and put it in my plate….

And that dinner is because of her brothers birthday dinner so i was invited…. Although at that dinner they didnt bring any cakes and the dinner was only her parents, her brother, her and me…. Her sister was out of town…. Luckily i brought a cake to that dinner, for her brother… and her mother thank me and told me in a smile and friendly way “its okay you dont have to trouble yourself in bringing the cake”

Also her family was more friendly than i was expected….

This is my first time experience meeting a girl’s parents…

After that dinner i went home in disappointment, i felt so much pressure that everything is now serious…. Like i need to be financially and emotionally stable…. I even woke up several times in my sleep, as i feel i did lots of mistakes….

I really really wanna cherish her, i hope i can be strong in accepting this pressure…. And it look like there is going to be another dinner with her parents again soon, this time with her sister and her future husband…. I hope i can talk more and also i need to be quicker and unnoticeable to pay the bills….. If i failed to pay again on that dinner, i’m planning to invite her parents on a dinner… as i want to treat them as a hosts…

But before eating with her parents again, she’s going to have lunch with my parents this week…

I keep having thoughts after yesterday’s dinner “do i still deserve her?” “ have i failed her?”…

I wanna do my best for her, but always end up making mistakes in crucial times…. I am really grateful to have met her…. I want to cherish her… I dont want her to get hurt….

I hope next time’s situation will be kinder to me, i dont want to mess up anything again…

Dear anita,

Thank you for your response and for trying to reassure me….

But Eric is Not a Mistake. He believes he is and he suffers for it a lot.. unnecessarily. I communicated with you for years, and I can tell you with confidence: you are not a mistake. You deserve love, appreciation and respect. You deserve to be cherished like you want to cherish her.

= Yes i do. I really do want to be cherished… I would be really grateful and blessed if that person cherish me back as much as i cherish them…. Although i might find it hard to believe….

That girl told me that she’s been waiting for a guy like me, and wants to cherish me…. I still cant believe those words, as it’s still to unreal for me…. But i will cherish and do my best for her…

I told her that she doesnt have to give me gifts, or anything like that…. I only need her to stay by my side through ups and downs ,and keep loving me is already enough… the gifts and etc are only bonuses….

Try to relax into who you really are, Eric: Not a Mistake but a human being like me, like the woman you are dating, like her father.. not less than any other person. You are not an exception to humanity, you are part of humanity.. you are a person like me.

=

Actually i start to feel better about myself than last year, im sure you notice it too…. But im still being as harsh as last year to myself if i make mistake… I feel i cant tolerate it because the mistake i made might be irreversible, and she is a gem for me…. I dont wanna let go of what i cherish…. But i also feel that i need to have a self worth too…. I care about another person, but not myself…

There are also some things that i realize after i gain some experience, at first i thought i need to list the places that i need to go with her so that she wont get bored, but the truth is… its okay to go to the same place again and again….

And i get rid of my overthinking “a bit” because i realize that overthinking is a waste of time, and after being with this girl… i feel like a day pasts very quickly…. And instead of overthinking, i should find more and more ways to improve our relationship…. I also realize that as an adult, i need to be able to overcome pressure and learn to stay calm when being in a pressure instead of dwelling…..

But still, even when i realize this… im still very easily consumed by overthinking…

Also regarding this issue maybe because what i fear that due to this mistake of mine, they could prevent me from cherishing her….

The reason i met her parents is because her sister (who’s not in our town) told her mother, that her mother should meet the guy who’s been going out with her little sister….
And that girl told me to have a dinner with her parents, so that her older sister wont tell her mother those words….

I wanna assure them that im a good guy, i want to cherish that girl, she’s precious to me…..

I assume her older sister is more judgmental than her parents…. And im going to have dinner with her family again between 18-23 december… this time with her older sister and her future husband…. So im going to meet 2 new people…. I hope this time i wont disappoint, and be able to communicate with them….

In regard to the specifics of what you shared recently: you being quiet and seeming to be shy would be a plus for many parents of young women because they don’t want loud and aggressive men to sexually take advantage of their daughters, and they feel safer knowing- or believing- that the man dating their young daughter is shy. It is similar to what she (the woman you are dating) told you: that she prefers an inexperienced guy because an experienced guy will do things to her that she doesn’t want done (I forgot the exact words she used).

= In the next family dinner with them, i hope this time i can quietly pay the bills, because i really feel that i need to do this tasks… and i also plan to invite her parents to a dinner next year… as i cant this year because im going on a holiday on christmas eve till new year….. Also because next year her older sister will go back to the capital and not on our city…. So she and her husband wont be there, because in the next family dinner with them around, i feel like i cant talk a lot…. I wanna invite her parents to a dinner so i can talk more and assure them that im serious and wanna cherish their daughter…. I hope this plan of mine will work well….
Just give me some time to adapt….

Yes you are right, she prefers an inexperience guy, because an experienced guy might take advantage of her…. But still, her mother said to her that im too quiet and i wanna improve that… yes maybe its a good thing that im shy and inexperienced, but still i also must able to communicate with her parents, and assure that her daughter is right to choose me….

Also i hope im not too early in confessing to her. That after 3 months i already meet her parents like this, in my first time experience… I confess to her that time to show that we’ve been going out because im serious for long term, not only for just a routine casual dating….
We arent officially a couple, so i’m going to confess again next time… that time it’ll be more official….

Dear anita,

Also there’s something I’d like ur opinion on this issue, as I’m going to meet her tomorrow…. Should I tell her that I once approached a person on social media..“- no, because your fears are based on a series of future events that may not happen: (1) the girl you are dating didn’t yet announce the relationship on social media and told you that she is not ready to do that yet, (2) if and when she posts about the relationship on social media, her sister’s close friend may not remember that you flirted with her and/ or may not say anything about, (3) If the close friend tells the sister of the girl you are dating, the sister may not say anything about it, (4) If she did, the girl you are dating may not think much about it and may not say anything about it to you.

“Or should I just let it go“- yes, let it go for now- if you can. Think about it again later,  if (and after) the events I referred in the #1, 2, 3 and 4, above happen.. if they happen.

= i’d like to continue our discussion regarding this issue….

My explanations might be a bit confusing…

Dont you think that i need to prepare for the worst?

Like maybe those 1-4 scenarios didnt happen,

but a 5th scenario might happen….

In which the sister told her, or maybe some kind of circumstance causes her to know i once approach one of her sister’s best friend… and her sister advices her to stay away from me as i’m considered some kind of “playboy” who texts many girls and i’ve hurted her best friend…. Which resulting in that girl whom i date now to be disappointed in me… and lost her feelings for me….

or maybe a 6th scenario

In which her sister’s future husband has a close friend, one of them is my former neighbour who moved away a month ago, he is quite a gossip type of guy… so i used to ask him which girl should i chase first? Girl A (the one i left after texting for about two months) or Girl B (the one im dating now)… so i decided to text girl A first and after about two months i stopped,

and i told him how i stop (i really regret this…)… it is due to that girl A’s father has more than 2 wives (polygamy) then that former neighbour of mine laughs and tell me “who you are dating? The father or the girl?” Why ‘d u concern with her father… I also stop to text that girl because i find her unattractive (she’s more chubby than i imagined (im being honest here))….

So in this 6th scenario, i feat that gossip guy might told his close friend (future husband of the sister)… and that future husband might told the sister and the sister told the girl im dating with… that i have a bad personality in which i judge a girl due to her father has many wives (polygamy)… and also due to she’s more chubby than i imagine….

I even told the girl im dating now that if she gains weight i’ll still love her… and i really do… but if that 6th scenario happen… she might not trust me….

How i wish i can change those past mistakes of mine…. I’d be really devastated if she’s disappointed in me due to those two scenarios… i really really want to cherish her….

I really want to improve my relationship with her, without being disrupted by my past mistakes….

—————————————————————————

it feels wonderful to hear and to believe these words, doesn’t it?

= yes it does, i hope what she said is really genuine and true…

I have learned that when a person has no self-worth, or too little of it, the person cannot love another person well, not for long.

= i want to love her for a long time…. I’ve been waiting all this time to meet this type of girl….

she (the girl you are dating) has probably been telling her parents and older sister- for some time now-  that you are a good guy and that you cherish her.

= i hope so… cause i really wanna cherish her, i dont wanna make her sad… i want to do my best for her….

I hope that by that time you will change your attitude regarding (1) the inevitability of making mistakes: everyone makes mistakes, including her parents, her sister, her sister’s future husband, the waiters at the restaurant where you will be having dinner… and everyone else, (2) being gentle and patient with yourself instead of being harsh and impatient.

= i will try to stay calm at that time…. I hope my mind is really in a good state that time, cause it could affect how i’ll communicate later on… i hope i can give a good impression to her sister and her future husband, as well as a better impression to her parents and brother….

Wish me luck…..

practice talking to her parents out loud, you can do so when you are alone. And remember, be harsh and impatient with yourself, and you will fail; be gentle and patient with yourself, and you will succeed

= im pretty sure the next time i meet her parents, i’ll talk more… maybe not too much, but definitely gonna be more communicative than the first meeting….
I also told that her “please give me more time, i’ll adapt and talk more to your parents”… and she said to me relax… dont pressure yourself… you have all the time you want….. when she said that im really happy…. More grateful to have met a girl like her, i dont want to disappoint her…