Thank you HoneyBlossom- you are correct. Dogs and cows are so special- all animals are so special. When I was little I had horses of which I loved so much. One of the horses I had when I was little is for sale and my parents want to get him for me.
anyway, animals are just the most special creatures. They love us no matter what- for people sometimes we need to look a certain way, act a certain way etc. Dogs and other pet animals- unless you hurt them really horribly will love you no matter what. It’s such a comforting thought- to know you’ll be loved by at least someone no matter what.
thank you HoneyBlossom

sincerely, lea

Hello Anita:

Firstly I want to apologize, I can see how what I may have written in that post could be hurtful to you- who have been trying to help and guide me. I was extremely upset when I wrote that post and was just completely in a panicked and very triggered state. I am really sorry.

Next, This forum has helped me talk to someone. To express my feelings outwardly and have another person reading and even just caring about how I am doing. I genuinely look forward to reading your replies and advice. This morning I started a journal with all of your advice in it, and I plan to read it daily, so I can soak up everything you’ve said.

I also wrote that thread yesterday when I was really upset- I often experience extreme mood swings (I’ve long time suspected myself of having  I have borderline personality disorder or bipolar due to these extreme swings. I lean more towards BPD because of my abandonment problems but I’m no expert) what I wrote in that post is how I feel sometimes, but right now I’m really grateful for your reply, and the replies of other members. The fact that you took the time out of YOUR day to respond to ME just is an amazing blessing to me.- the fact that someone cares.

Today I’m feeling much better and hopeful. Three of my cows had a total of 4 gorgeous calves this morning, I have a set of twins and two other calves. The fact these cows brought life into the world is just a blessing and it makes me so happy. My parents are still upset today but I’m determined to not let that affect me day.

Once again, I am extremely sorry if I caused any hurt feelings with that post, as I could see how that post might make you feel as if your efforts are not working and/or helping. They are helping. I for once in my life feel heard and understood.
I wish you the best day ever Anita,

sincerely, Lea

Hi Anita,

I appreciate the reply. I’ve heard of HPD, but I still did some research on it before writing my reply. It makes sense. Im going to try to take your recommendation and express how I feel as sincerely as possible. I’m feeling quite ashamed and embarrassed at the moment- kinda plain and simple like that.
Ashamed because how could I not notice how I’m behaving in touch a way?- and embarrassed that you had to tell me and I couldn’t recognize my own behavior- I’ve been upset with my mom who has been telling me about my tantrums for years and she’s been right all along (I’m thankful you did told me though)

In all honestly: I read your previous post and was upset with myself. I had friend who had a relative with HPD  when I was young (relative passed away now) I met them once and they were horrible to deal with. Everything was about them, the world revolves around them and they needed constant attention or they would essentially have a tantrum.
I can’t believe I didn’t notice- despite my mom always telling me- that I’m essentially a 19 year old child who has tantrums all the time- reflecting on my actions I can kind of see it now- and on this forum included.
The friend’s relative tried every type of therapy and different therapists and counselors-the therapists they saw just said “personality disorders are ingrained in your thinking and action pattern and can’t be cured or helped. You have to just deal with it and live normally”

I knew I had some type of personality disorder or a few- I looked at HPD and dismissed it- Partly because I didn’t really want to be that person- y’know the attention seeking person that no one likes. I don’t like those type of people either.

In all honesty  I read the post and knew you were right. I felt guilty instantly and still kinda do-in my head I debated deleting my account again and not putting you or other members through my roller coaster. But I promised you I wouldn’t so here I am.

I’m at the end of writing the post and I feel a bit clearer I guess- still embarrassed a bit but… what do you do.

I tried to express how I’m feeling as honestly as possible here, as per your recommendation, but I’m not entirely sure if I got my point across. But I wanted to apologize to you because I can imagine it’s been difficult to deal with me recently

sincerely, Lea

Anita:

I am proud of you!!! That is incredible!! I do wish to heal. The fact that you think that I can- actually brought tears to my eyes. I’m going to write you a longer post later- I’m going to dive into some research and see what I can do to help myself heal. I think it’s time for me to actually take charge of myself and my life and start working with myself- for real this time.
more later after I research.
sincerely, Lea

Hi Anita!
It’s taking me longer than expected to write the post and I still won’t be finished for several hours! Just to let you know. I hope your evening is good!

Hi Anita,

I am so glad you had a fun night! Live music is the best- I have always loved music. I smiled that you thought of me.

I know this took ages for me to get out but here I am. This one might be long so I’m going to section it- I want to be thorough so it will be a bit longer.

The goal of this post is to work towards identifying what i need to work on and tackling those personal problems/issues.

So you (Anita) suggested that I showed signs of HPD (Histrionic personality disorder) 

I’m going to list all of The symptoms I found for this disorder and make a comment for each.

• Be uncomfortable unless they are the center of attention (this one I can relate to, but I do feel ashamed and upset that I do feel this way)

• Dress provocatively and/or exhibit inappropriately seductive or flirtatious behavior (I personally don’t think I act in this way at all. I will in public occasionally think oh maybe that person is looking at me etc- but nothing inappropriate. I don’t flirt at all, I’m not interested in a relationship right now as I am not in such headspace. I dress pretty normally- jeans, tee shirts, usually big heavy carhartt work overalls- definitely not the most attractive thing- my mom urges me to dress more feminine)
• Shift emotions rapidly

(Yes. It’s to the point where I have trouble keeping up with myself)

• Act very dramatically, as though performing before an audience, with exaggerated emotions and expressions, yet appears to lack sincerity

(I don’t think I lack sincerity but I’m looking through the rose colored glasses of my own head. It would make me sad if I seemed insincere. I do sort of ‘act’ – I do different accents, certain mannerisms etc- sometimes but not really in social settings- I just thought it was fun- I never thought it could be a symptom of mental illness)

• Be overly concerned with physical appearance

(I would say no. Maybe even on the should be more concerned side. I have some acne but I always forget to do my skin care routine, I usually forget to brush my hair, I end up wearing the same thing a few days in a row I don’t really see a point in trying to work on my appearance- I purposely have worn certain things to certain places to gather attention before- really dirty clothes, western/daily farm working clothes to normal stores hoping illl be noticed.  But I sit at home most days and I don’t see a point in dressing up not Even to go to the store. I’m a bit ‘bigger’ I guess- and I don’t always like that per say- I’m 5’10 and like 175 lbs and 19 so that affects how I dress. My ego is buzzing right now and this is embarrassing but: I don’t think I’m an ugly person, I personally could say I could be fairly attractive, but only from the neck up. Never been the most body positive person.)

• Constantly seek reassurance or approval

(Oh yeah. That’s me)

• Be gullible and easily influenced by others

(This is me to the point it’s embarrassing.)

• Be excessively sensitive to criticism or disapproval

(Yup- also something really embarrassing about me)

• Have a low tolerance for frustration and be easily bored by routine, often beginning projects without finishing them or skipping from one event to another

(Literally me. I am HORRIBLE at finishing projects. I suck at following through on really anything. It frustrates me and I often end up mad at myself for this reason)

• Not think before acting

(This was much worse when I was younger but I still have bouts of this)

• Make rash decisions

(Yeah I could say I can be impulsive)

• Be self-centered and rarely show concern for others

(I was going to deny this but I’ve been thinking today- I genuinely think I’m quite self centered.

I think I sometimes can show concern for others- but honestly it’s hard to know because I’m not around a lot of people.)

• Have difficulty maintaining relationships, often seeming fake or shallow in their dealings with others

(I’m not sure if I come off as fake or shallow. Do you think I do? But I have difficulty maintaining relationships for sure.)

• Threaten or attempt suicide to get attention

(Only once have I done this- over 9 years ago)   

Reading these symptoms I feel like a horrible person. I feel quite guilty. I personally would avoid anyone I met who had really any of these-especially the over dramatic person or the self centered person- yikes. What have I let myself become??

I also went through BPD symptoms and I identified with several so I’ll list them here (all symptom and comments are from helpguide.org)

• Fear of abandonment. (I would say yes. I try to avoid people in general as to not be hurt- which isn’t quite the exact BPD symptom but. I can be very clingy in friendships, I used to text all the time asking if someone was ok. If I hadn’t heard from them in a few hours I’d text and ask how they were and pretty much be annoying about it.)

• Unstable relationships. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground (definitely on this one. Many friendships have fallen apart because I was disappointed with someone- or I was bored of them. Then they left. Sounds horrible- I know)

• Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. (I would say yes, deciding to watch YouTube instead of doing my work because I was having ‘a rough day’ or binge eating cookies or candy. One time I ate a whole pack of Oreos, and a bag of chips after a ‘long day’. I’ve just gone and eating bars upon bars of chocolate. Or I’ve impulsively over exercised on purpose so I could be sore the next day. Partly to complain about how sore I was, partly to feel like I was doing something. I’ve also skipped school some days when I don’t feel like it. Etc)
• Self-harm (I would say not as much for me, but I definitely have thought about it and been really close to it.)
• Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body. (This one 100%. I told someone what city I lived in one time and had a whole nervous break down that she would come find me. I get nervous when people ask to see my ID at places because what if they memorize my address or look me up etc. I’m always worried someone is going to grab me in public especially weird people. Spaced out and disassociation Is a major part of what I experience. It sucks.)

The first time I replied to those symptoms I did unconsciously while I watched tv- I read them after and was trying to make myself either seem like I was being ‘too hard on myself’ so you would correct me. Or deny something that was true so you would correct me. Why? Who knows at this point. I did my best to make sure my answers/comments were as accurate as I could make them. Honestly I listed BPD symptoms as well because I feel that if I have hpd then I’m essentially a narcissist which I always thought I wasn’t. I thought that I was quite empathetic. If I have BPD people would probably feel sorry for me more. That was quite embarrassing to say actually.

I’ve had to stop writing here several times because I feel triggered. I currently am experiencing an OCD trigger-Right now I feel the need to list to you all of my positive and empathetic qualities and it is making me shake. I will not make a list, or talk any more about how I feel ashamed of my behavior- I’m starting to notice that attention seeking is clearly wired into every action I take.

This was going to be a post listing what I’m going to do about my problem. Unfortunately the only listed ‘treatment’ for personality disorders are medication and talk therapy- things I don’t have access to. I was actually pretty frustrated while researching because there were no self help options or even suggestions of if things that might help personality disorders. Nope. All of the replies are talk therapy, CBT and DBT. I live close to a small town- which doesn’t have any therapy options in it. The next town that might have therapy options is 1/2 an hour- and I was going to attention seek there again. I almost exaggerated how long it was to the next town.

Im going to wrap up now, I’d love your comment on some of the things I said. I’m going to try and think more about what I could do to help myself. But honestly I’m pretty overwhelmed. More later I guess. Have a good morning Anita.

Sincerely, Lea

Hi Anita,

no problem!! Take your time! I appreciate you letting me know.

sincerely, Lea

Hi Anita,

I appreciate the information. In response to your previous post:

“You are not motivated, or not adequately motivated to look for professional help, is what I think.”

To put it simply: I’m scared- this is going to sound like a list of excuses- but here we go. Even If I still lived with my parents and paid for my own therapy- I don’t want to make my parents angry at me. I can just see my mom freaking out about how bad of a mom she is and how I did something behind her back. If I asked her if she would help me out- she has benefits that could cover part of the cost- she might freak out and sell my pets ‘because it’s so expensive’, make me feel bad that I even asked, make herself the victim and overall just do something bad.

last time I asked her- I was maybe 17. She said ‘yes’ before proceeding to tell me that we needed to make ‘sacrifices so I could get the help I desperately need’ which include selling my pets and a lot of my keepsakes, she listed the names of all my pets and started picking out which ones she thought she would sell, she said how she was a horrible mother, how she messed up, how it’s expensive, how I need the best help because my problem is so serious, how she thinks that all of my symptoms (not focusing, mood swings, disassociation etc) are things she’s experienced and so it’s normal. I ignored that. I then suggested that I try ‘better help’ or an online therapy source. And she got really mad yelling at this point about how I needed ‘serious help because she messed up so bad – how I need more than just an online chat’ she then used the famous line: “You can always talk to me I don’t know why you need to talk to some stranger about your life” I knew at that point that she wasn’t going to help me. She then got all sappy and said I should just try eating better because I don’t eat well and all my problems will be fixed. She then sent me a ton of inspirational quotes about ‘helping yourself’ and then sent me inspirational speeches about self love and getting your life together. I was so angry. This is the only thing she has never supported me on.
my dad however was like sure whatever you need, I’ll take you if you want to go- just talk to your mom.
And maybe I’m too scared to change, sometimes I think that I don’t deserve help, or peace or friendship.

The whole truth here Anita: I don’t have friends. 3 reasons.

Hi Anita,

I appreciate the information. In response to your previous post:

“You are not motivated, or not adequately motivated to look for professional help, is what I think.”

To put it simply: I’m scared. Even If I still lived with my parents and paid for my own therapy- I don’t want to make my parents angry at me. I can just see my mom freaking out about how bad of a mom she is and how I did something behind her back. If I asked her if she would help me out- she has benefits that could cover the cost- she might freak out and sell my pets, make me feel bad that I even asked, make herself the victim and overall just do something bad.

The whole truth Anita, I don’t have friends for 3 reasons:

1) I don’t deserve them. I just drag people through the mud of my emotional roller coaster then I get tired and bored of them but let them leave me so have a pity party about it.

2)Because people without friends get sympathy, people without friends are ‘poor them’ That’s why.

3) I genuinely am scared of being left and judged.

I’m not going to therapy because I’m a coward- I’m scared of what my parents might do.

My mom went a long time ago for her childhood trauma and she had a bad experience and so that means all therapy is bad. No one else in my family has gone except for my uncle who has psychosis.
My family has a history of mental Illness. My uncle has psychosis, my grandpa has OCDP so does my dad, my mom has some sort of mental illness. My sister has a similar attention seeking thing as I do. Except she’s much more disruptive- she makes sudden and random noises and sounds, she yells and sings randomly and every time she does it my dad screams at her.

I feel a bit stuck if I’m honest, right now I’m to the point I just want to lie on the floor and have a pity party.

you said:

“In regard to self-help, it may not be enough, but you do have it available to you right here: all the self-help and all of the suggestions that I offered you are available to you in the 11 pages of this thread, as well as in the other threads where we communicated. You are welcome to (1)  re-read and take notes, (2) apply a suggestion or two today and tomorrow, and again in the next day, and then next…”

I’ll go back and take some notes this evening. I’ll let you know what suggestions I find to work with this week. Have a wonderful afternoon Anita.

sincerely, Lea