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I am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all.

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryI am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all.

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  • This topic has 253 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 254 total)
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  • #401228
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leaagain:

    You shared that you deleted your account because, as I understand it, you felt that (1) you felt guilty for ranting and for talking about people (your parents, sister, a friend.. your former bully) behind their backs, (2) you were scared of becoming dependent on me, on other members who replied to you, and/ or on the thread itself, afraid that the people you depend on will leave you, or that the thread you depend on will be taken away from you.

    In regard to the message you left for me on Tuesday, I did not intentionally mean to ignore you, so if that is how it came off I apologize. I will be honest that what you said in that post ‘Dear Lea: You are a hard worker: in the field and in the farm. I do hope that you sleep in this morning‘ made me uncomfortable. I’m not sure why but I felt uncomfortable with the praise I guess” – I appreciate and encourage your honesty. I will not punish your honesty no matter what.

    I am completely devastated, broken and in pain from the loss of my sweet dog and my cow” – I am sorry for your losses: Rosemary and your little coker spaniel.

    And honestly I feel really alone, but I think if in real life I was surrounded by support, ‘friends’, etc it would be even more uncomfortable and ‘isolating’ in a way” – you put quotation marks around friends, as to indicate fake friends, friends who are not real friends.. unreliable, inconsistet friends? If so, then I can understand why you’d feel uncomfortable around fake support by fake friends.

    My honest question Anita is: What could I possibly have done to… my old ‘friends’, my ‘family members’? Because whatever I did must have been pretty bad. Am I missing something? I must be” – I think that what you are missing, in regard to your parents and bullies, is that it is not you who has done something pretty bad to them; it is the other way around, they did something pretty bad to you.

    anita

    #401233
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Anita,

    Thank you. You are correct in what you have said- you put it better than me saying:

    ”you were scared of becoming dependent on me, on other members who replied to you, and/ or on the thread itself, afraid that the people you depend on will leave you, or that the thread you depend on will be taken away from you.”

    I never intended to hurt your feelings when I did not address you on Tuesday. I’m really sorry.

    What you stated above is correct.
    Thank you.

    you said: you put quotation marks around friends, as to indicate fake friends, friends who are not real friends.. unreliable, inconsistet friends? If so, then I can understand why you’d feel uncomfortable around fake support by fake friends.

    Personally  from experience all friends act in the way you described- I’ve even had friends that have been really great then just left for no particular reason that I could see. However I’ve seen on social media and from movies that for most people that isn’t the case.  I put ‘friends’ in quotes because I’m not too sure what the word really entails.
    you also mentioned: “it is not you who has done something pretty bad to them; it is the other way around, they did something pretty bad to you.”

    I think I understand that partly. What I can’t really grasp is why? Usually when bad thing happens- they are a result of something. ie. My dog passing away due to age and cancer. Someone goes to jail because they stole something. A kid get punished because they hit their sibling etc. I can’t help but feel I’ve done something in order to be left/punished by the people around me.
    thank you for the reply Anita. I once again will apologize for deleting my other account. I hope you have a wonderful evening.

     

     

    #401237
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leaagain:

    I am glad that you are back, Lea… Lea Again, I like that. I have to get away from the computer and be back to read and reply in a few hours.

    anita

    #401241
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you Anita, I look forward to hearing from you!

    #401244
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita and any other who may read this,It’s Lea again, Just a bit of a thing it’s random but something I’ve always thought about:

    I’ve always kinda believed that some people are blessed in different areas of their lives, and because of that blessing are doomed to suck in other areas of their lives forever.

    -Some people are blessed with harmonious relationships and a big family with lots of love- but maybe they are unemployed if have trouble at work.

    -some people are blessed with an amazing partner who they can rely and depend on. But maybe they don’t have very many skills/gifts or hobbies.

    -some might have an extremely successful career and name lots of money but be married to someone they don’t love or never be at home because they work too much.

    -some people might have a lot of skills like singing or dance or art but they are doomed to never make a profit off of such skills

    -I like to think that I have skills (in addition to having my pets,  training them, taking care of my cows, working, doing school I have a ton of hobbies that I haven’t done in ages) , all through high school and middle school I competitively danced contemporary for years (haven’t had time lately), I also knit, water color paint, play guitar, play the bass, play the drums and I play piano. All of which I like to think I can do quite well.
    All of my relationships have been well… s&!t. With everyone in my life, my friendships, my casual coworker relationships suck, etc. I used to try so so hard and it did nothing. I tried everything I tried learning whole skills to get people to like me. (There was a girl who played the bass in my 6th grade class and I learnt the bass just so I could talk to her about it. She ended up not liking me for one reason or another) I tried dressing different, I tried acting different, no matter what ‘part’ I played no one ever stuck around family and friends included. I started ‘playing’ myself again and I made friends. Then they started bullying me (I was fat shamed by one) (and I was completely harassed by another) then they abandoned me. I had my childhood best friend who up out of the blue abandoned me. My grandparents… gone.
    i am starting to believe that maybe I was blessed in the skills department and because of that  I’m doomed to forever be alone with my animals skills and eventual success. (I love animals so not the worst issue) but as a kid I always dreamed of falling in love and having a rich close social circle- lol like that’s gonna happen- I used to daydream about it. This concept has kinda proven itself to me over and over in different people too. What do you all think?

    #401246
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leaagain:

    I never intended to hurt your feelings when I did not address you on Tuesday. I’m really sorry” – I appreciate you offering this apology and I accept it.

    you also mentioned: ‘it is not you who has done something pretty bad to them; it is the other way around, they did something pretty bad to you.’ I think I understand that partly. What I can’t really grasp is why?” –

    – I think that the reason is that it is more difficult to accept the injustice about being a blameless victim than it is to blame yourself (if you were/ are at fault, then there is no injustice).

    Someone goes to jail because they stole something. A kid get punished because they hit their sibling etc. I can’t help but feel I’ve done something in order to be left/punished by the people around me“- my goodness, I wrote the above paragraph  before I read this part of your post. See? It really is more difficult to accept the injustice of being a blameless victim than it is to blame yourself.

    I started to read your most recent post. If you would like me to respond to what you presented in this most recent post, you are welcome to summarize it for me into one paragraph of a few sentences.

    anita

     

    #401250
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Anita!!

    Thank you for accepting my apology. No problem! I’d be happy to summarize it was a big long chunk of text anyway haha.
    I stated at the start of my post:

    “I’ve always kinda believed that some people are blessed in different areas of their lives, and because of that blessing are doomed to suck in other areas of their lives forever.”

    I then have a few examples of this, here are two from the post:

    Some people are blessed with harmonious relationships and a big family with lots of love- but maybe they are unemployed if have trouble at work.

    -some people are blessed with an amazing partner who they can rely and depend on. But maybe they don’t have very many skills/gifts or hobbies.”

    I then stated how I have several skills and horrible relationships:

    My skills part of the post:

    ”I like to think that I have skills (in addition to having my pets,  training them, taking care of my cows, working, doing school I have a ton of hobbies that I haven’t done in ages) , all through high school and middle school I competitively danced contemporary for years (haven’t had time lately), I also knit, water color paint, play guitar, play the bass, play the drums and I play piano. All of which I like to think I can do quite well.”

    my relationships part of the post:

    ”All of my relationships have been well… s&!t. With everyone in my life, my friendships, my casual coworker relationships suck, etc. I used to try so so hard and it did nothing. I tried everything I tried learning whole skills to get people to like me. (There was a girl who played the bass in my 6th grade class and I learnt the bass just so I could talk to her about it. She ended up not liking me for one reason or another) I tried dressing different, I tried acting different, no matter what ‘part’ I played no one ever stuck around family and friends included. I started ‘playing’ myself again and I made friends. Then they started bullying me (I was fat shamed by one) (and I was completely harassed by another) then they abandoned me. I had my childhood best friend who up out of the blue abandoned me. My grandparents… gone.”

    then I stated what I believed:

    ”i am starting to believe that maybe I was blessed in the skills department and because of that  I’m doomed to forever be alone with my animals skills and eventual success. (I love animals so not the worst issue)”

    then lastly I mentioned a childhood fantasy I always had:

    ”as a kid I always dreamed of falling in love and having a rich close social circle- lol like that’s gonna happen- I used to daydream about it.”

    my question kinda was, what do you think of this Anita?
    I hope you have a wonderful night.

    #401257
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leaagain:

    You shared that you have several skills and horrible relationships. Your skills: taking care of your pets and animals, training them, skills involved in your work, school, hobbies, including dancing and knitting, water color painting, playing the guitar, bass, drums, piano, and more.

    Your relationships: “All of my relationships have been well… s&!t…. no matter what ‘part’ I played no one ever stuck, around family and friends included. I started ‘playing’ myself again and I made friends. Then they started bullying me… then they abandoned me. I had my childhood best friend who up out of the blue abandoned me“.
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    As a kid I always dreamed of falling in love and having a rich close social circle… I am starting to believe that maybe I was blessed in the skills department and because of that  I’m doomed to forever be alone with my animals skills and eventual success… What do you think of this Anita?” –

    First, I think that you are not responsible for having been bullied and mistreated by anyone. Second, I think that you need to learn more people skills which include among others listening skills, responding to conflict skills, and assertiveness skills.

    anita

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    #401259
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you Anita for your empathy and kindness, how do you think one would go about learning those skills/overcoming fear of abandonment on their own? Thank you so much, I appreciate you.

    #401262
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leaagain:

    You are welcome. “How do you think one would go about learning those skills” – to learn people skills, you have to be interacting with people. Since you are interacting with me online, you can learn people skills while interacting with me.

    You already possess people skills: you often thanked me, if not every time, and you often expressed appreciation for me: being polite and expressing gratitude and appreciation are people skills.

    Listening (reading my words and paying attention to them, in this case) is also a people skill- you have this people skill as well. But you can improve on it: yesterday I asked you to summarize a post for me, to make it into “one paraghraph with a few sentences”. But what you posted next was not one paragraph but a multiple paragraph post, as long as the one I asked you to summarize.

    Here is a current opportunity for you to practice your listening skill: please don’t thank me more than once a day. Once a week of saying thank-you is good enough for me! (I get tired of a frequent thank-you/you-are-welcome exchange as well as other forms of expressed appreciation when they happen too frequently).

    Other people skills are assertiveness and resolving conflicts. You can improve on this one as well. A few days ago, I posted a sentence to you that didn’t feel right to you, so you deleted your account. Next time I post something that doesn’t feel right to you- do not.. disappear, deleting your account. Instead, tell me what it is that didn’t feel right and we’ll explore it together.

    You asked me about overcoming your fear of abandonment: well, learning and improving on your people skills will help!

    anita

     

    #401263
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Sounds Good Anita, it will be difficult not to thank you all the time haha. I look forward to talking with you more and working on my people skills!! I have another longer post coming later on a few things that I think are intriguing.
    have a great day Anita,</p>
    Sincerely, Lea

    #401267
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    You get an A on your listening skill, right above. Read from you later!

    anita

    #401359
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I posted a new thread with this post on it but I wanted to post it here because it’s a really raw honest view of what I’m feeling lately:

     

    Hi, I’m lea, I’m 19, I’m a student, I live with my parents and I have a massive problem. I cannot focus-I don’t have the motivation to pursue my studies. I’m a second year university student and I spent a lot of money to be here. Except I get one assignment done a week and am months behind on my work.

    I am excited for my career but right now I’m an undergrad- meaning I don’t get to do the fun stuff for another 2 or so years. I’m pulling out my hair (figuratively) and I just sit here paralyzed. It’s a habit- I don’t sit at my desk until 12 pm (I usually skip breakfast) I’m super slow, it takes me 35 minute to get dressed then another 30 to brush my hair, teeth etc. then like 2 hours to feed my cows and pets. I skip breakfast to save time to do school but then I end up watching YouTube or something then maybe I’ll actually do something uselful at 3 then get distracted then I’ll end up doing nothing anyway. It’s the usual at this point.

    it’s a habit- and it’s quite frankly frickin scary. I hate myself everyday for it. I cannot express the hatred I feel towards myself.  I have a part time job, I raise animals, I am paying for my education, I’m trying to do my education, my dog died this week, one of my dear cows died this week (a pet cow), I think I have adhd, I have ocd, I have social anxiety, I have no friends, my family is a mess, my sister bullies me, I have missed deadlines, I’m two months behind on all my work and only have 3 weeks left, I’m figuring out my sexuality, im studying to get my drivers license, I’m volunteering at an animal shelter, I’m trying to read, im breeding and selling cows, I’m dealing with parental pressure, I’m doing chores, I’m taking a language course-  and I’m on the verge of a full on hysterical mental breakdown. I haven’t done anything lately- like ANYTHING- in a month and a half. I’m stuck and devastated about my dog who passed.

    I have a music addiction- so I always have headphones on and I end up daydreaming and the daydreaming ends up being more interesting than my school work. I literally haven’t done more than 2 essays in almost a month. I feel lazy, stupid and like garbage- once again I frickin hate myself- yeah I know practice ‘self love’ lol I used to but no one else in my life respects me so why the frick should I? I roll out of bed at nine am after smashing my alarm repeatedly because I can’t sleep at night- I cannot fall asleep, because my mind races all night. I feel so out of control I stay up late thinking about it and I wake up- thinking about it- I get maybe 6 hours a night. Im underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time.

    Sometimes I just want to end it. if I can’t do anything- like do my god damn school work to get my dream job wtf is the point of even continuing. The only reason I’m still here is because I need to care for my pets. Or I’d be gone already- trust me. I thought about selling my pets to good homes then- you know- but I’m too selfish to sell them because they mean too much to me and I love them. I don’t really want to die but I want to be normal, I don’t want to have all these god damn issues, I don’t want to be unlikeable, I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to sit there and be useless all day. I can’t heal my emotional problems in a day. I can’t.
    I have tried every tip in the book to focus. Except therapy because I cannot afford it. Too expensive and my parents don’t believe in therapy. I honestly think I can do a lot in this world but I feel so powerless and stuck. I’m suck on a highway of my own emotional problems. I’m standing in the middle of the highway and I keep getting hit with these cars- and the cars are my emotional problems they keep piling up on top of each other and there’s nothing I can do about them-  without paying someone $300 an hour to tell me I have problems. I wish I could say I’m trying my best but I know I’m just a lazy pathetic butt who just needs to get her self together and do her goddamn work.

    I wanted therapy all through high school and middle school- but after reading stories of how long therapy takes to work and how it doesn’t help everyone- I don’t even know if I believe in it anymore.

    I used to see the school counselor weekly- for my anxiety-as a 13 year old and it helped me but then one day she told me that in order to make friends I need to find other passions besides my animals. I did- it didn’t help. I learned to play guitar, the bass, the drums, I’ve danced my whole life, I knitted, I did watercolor, I took Spanish, French and Italian and still am. No friends magically appeared after that. Then she told me that I needed to tell my parents to actually take me to a therapist and pay for one. Mom said ‘sure but we’ll have to sell your animals to do that to pay for it’ I said no. My pets are my everything. I told the school counselor what my mom said hoping she’d help me out and she agreed with my mom saying I need to make choices for my wellbeing. Never talked to her again.

    I feel so alone. My mom was like ‘don’t be so hard on yourself’ and I was like oh gee thanks. She told me I need to work on controlling my anxiety because it affects my performance under pressure. YEAH MOM THATS WHAT ANXIETY DOES. I told her ‘that’s what therapy helps you do’ but even I know it’s too expensive- and I am NOT giving up my pets to pay for therapy. I’d be even more miserable- every ounce of joy gone- If I had no pets. I have no help- and my moms solution to everything is independence- solve your own problems, it’s your feelings, it’s your choice, FIX IT LEA ITS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. I have no one to help me (except for this forum) , no mentors, no guides, I do online school (I teach myself all my subjects I don’t even have teachers) because my sister has health issues that make her very susceptible to COVID. I have no one to even talk to, or rant to, I didn’t have any ‘friends’ to text when my dog passed away, I didn’t have anyone to tell about how great she was or how much I loved her. My family is seemingly over it, ‘she wouldn’t want you to be sad’ ugh f**k me. I am sad but I am not really allowed to be sad because it makes my poor little sister sad.

    I have so many problems and none of them seem like anything I can fix or control. I feel completely powerless. I mean come on what kind of pathetic loser can’t even make themselves do their schoolwork?- something they are supposed to be passionate about and have been for their entire life until this point. It genuinely is the most pathetic situation ever. Once again I hate myself.

    today I had been horrible. I am in withering muscle pain. My neck is so cramped I can’t turn my head, my back is so tight I have to walk like crippled up or it hurts. my hands have been shaking all day. I have a screaming headache, I’m exhausted and I haven’t done a single f***king thing today of use. Not a single thing- except feed my pets.

    I’m stuck, I’m paralyzed, I’m fed up, I’m loosing hope for my sanity and I’m so close to my breaking point. One of these days I am going to snap and every little piece of composure I gave is going to be gone, My perfect little spool of emotions is going to come undone, my perfectly packed box is going to explode. I know with certainty I won’t hurt myself or end it- I promise. Sooner or later I am going to frickin loose it.

    #401360
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Life update:

    Hi Anita,

    I forgot to address you at the start of my previous post- I apologize.

    I sat and tried to do my work for hours, today, until 11:34pm to be precise. Nothing. When I went back to the house to get ready to go to work my mom ended up screaming at me for ‘torturing myself’ by sitting there- which is what I’m essentially doing but I don’t really know what else to do at this point- I tried to be nice to myself today and really ‘look for love’ lol couldn’t find any accept from my cows. My sister has kinda stolen the family dog and won’t even let me pet the dog. We do have two dogs besides the one that past, but my big Bernese mountain dog is an outside dog- so I only see her when I’m outside. Our ‘family dog’ is an inside dog and he is now my sisters for some reason. I know she is grieving too but today she was really mean to me- she was extra in her: ‘Lea is dumb, stupid, brainless and useless’ jokes today. Plus Im not allowed to pet him (the dog) with my sister there or she gets upset.
    The only love I’ve received today is from my cows when I got a really nice hug from Rosemary’s calf, I got a moo of greeting which was the happiest anyone was to see me all day. My Bernese dog also did a dance when she saw me and it made me really happy. I had a big grin. My pets are the best.

    My dad doesn’t like to hug. My mom was too mad to hug me. My mom then proceeded to yell at me about how miserable she was living here with us and how she hates it. She then proceeded to list to me all of my issues and how I’m not changing and how I need to get myself together because it’s affecting her emotional health. I told her calmly that she doesn’t need to list these things as I’m already aware of them. She got really angry slammed my door and left without letting me finish. My dad yelled at me saying something isn’t right and how I’m spending so much time doing school-I must just be doing nothing. Where I told him ‘yup you’re right I’m a lazy butt and I never get my work done’ I said it sort of sarcastically even though it’s true. He said that’s not what I meant, he dropped the topic and left. I feel like s**t. It’s been a s**t week. I’m at work-crying, and it’s really hard to sob quietly. Today I’m at the lab analyzing some things. It’s a shorter shift- only an hour or so. I’m probably going to have to attempt to sleep- after I finish work today. I finish soon. Then I can lie awake for a while and maybe eventually drift off. I’m going to try a sleep meditation.

    I’m going to try to do school again tomorrow- my mom is extremely angry about that idea. But I think I can positively attempt to do school work tomorrow.

    I’m looking forward to seeing my Bernese dog in the morning and I can’t wait to see my cows again in the morning. sigh* that’s it for today.

    signing off,

    Lea

    #401365
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hugs Lea.  I hope your day gets better. Give lots of hugs to your dogs and vows.  They give us a type of unconditional love and acceptance that people just can’t.  I don’t mean that as singling you out.  I mean the opposite. The love of a dog is just so different to love from humans which mostly seems to have a lot of conditions.

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