- This topic has 253 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Anonymous.
May 25, 2022 at 7:43 am #401090
I hope that you passed your driver’s license test, Lea.
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 8:09 am #401091AnonymousInactive
I haven’t gone yet!! Going to soon!May 25, 2022 at 8:21 am #401092
You “sound” excited about it, telling by the three exclamation marks! Keep the excitement positive and take a few deeper, slower breaths once in a while. Let me/ Everyone know how you did, after the test is over, will you?
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 8:24 am #401093AnonymousInactive
Haha Anita, yeah I’m sorta excited to just get it over with haha. I will. Thank you. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’ve been practicing a lot!May 25, 2022 at 8:31 am #401095
You are welcome. I am looking forward to read from you next!
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 12:20 pm #401104AnonymousInactive
I didn’t pass. Which sucks. My old dog passed away this morning. She was 15. I’ve had her since I was four. It’s been a long week.May 25, 2022 at 12:35 pm #401106
I am sorry for your second pet loss of recent: your dog. Did it happen after your D.L test, or before?
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 2:06 pm #401107AnonymousInactive
Hi Anita, she was in really bad shape this morning. I went to do the test and she passed after.May 25, 2022 at 2:13 pm #401108
She was 15. I read online that a 15 year old small breed dog is equal to 76 human years, and a 15 year old large breed is equal to 93 human years. What was her name, did she ever have puppies, what breed was she?
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 11:55 pm #401194HoneyBlossomParticipant
I am so sorry to read this Lea. I can’t bear the thought of losing mine as they are both seniors. I lost 2 senior ponies and my cat was just short of 20 when she went. I think losing dogs is harder though.May 26, 2022 at 12:18 pm #401220
I am sorry to see that you deleted your account because I thought that our 9-pages of conversation was loaded with helpful thoughts and sentiments, for you and for me. I respect your choice to delete your account and I am not pressuring you in any way to reactivate it. So, please feel comfortable- if you are reading this- to not reply to me. There will be no second post submitted by me to you for as long as your account is deactivated.
There are a lot of good ideas that we exchanged in this thread (and in my own threads), and even though something felt wrong to you in regard to our recent communication, I hope that sometime in the future, you will re-read and study our communication- as well as your communication with other members- because it can be helpful to you. You said it yourself when you posted this to me throughout your thread: “I cannot express to you how thanful I am for all your help… Than you for sharing all that information… Anita, this was so helpful!!! Especially the part you mentioned: … I never thought about things in this way, I gasped when I read this section… I’m going to focus on what you said today and put it into practice… this is extremely helpful“.
It seems to me that you didn’t like something about our recent communication, but please don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, so to speak.
I was not surprised that you deleted your account because early on Tuesday morning, I submitted a short, positive message addressed to you: “Dear Lea: You are a hard worker: in the field and in the farm. I do hope that you sleep in this morning”. Later on Tuesday, you submited a post but you did you mention my name, nor did you refer to the content of my last message. Instead, you addressed it to “Everyone“. You didn’t do this earlier, so it caught my attention.
Because you didn’t receive any replies on Tuesday from any other member, and I didn’t want you to go unanswered, I addressed a post to you on Wednesday morning. You answered it, but deleted your account later on Wednesday.
Maybe you felt guilty regarding what we discussed in regard to your parents. Maybe you felt that our conversation wasn’t helpful after all because you were still feeling anxious/ very anxious. Maybe you disagreed with me but didn’t express your disagreement and therefore felt that you were betraying yourself (you wrote on May 6: “I tend to just agree with whatever they say because I don’t want to upset them- then I feel like I’m betraying myself later”).
I don’t know and I missed an opportunity to learn something new because you deleted your account without explaining your reason or reasons. If you do not reply to this (and again, it’s okay if you don’t)- get well, Lea, my sincere best wishes to you, and goodbye.
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 12:48 pm #401221AnonymousInactive
Hi Anita, I’m sorry. I deleted my account because I’ve been feeling really guilty for almost ‘talking about people behind their backs’ it has helped me to discuss what I feel. I like to run away because I’m too scared of becoming dependent on people or things. Because people really like to leave me for whatever reason (not suggesting that you would. But I dislike depending on others, yet in one way or another I end up depending on them)
just to be clear, it has nothing to do with you or our communication. You have been extremely helpful, and really kind towards me. I’m back Because you really were really awesome to me, and it wasn’t very good of me to just abruptly leave.
In regard to the message you left for me on Tuesday, I did not intentionally mean to ignore you, so if that is how it came off I apologize. I will be honest that what you said in that post “Dear Lea: You are a hard worker: in the field and in the farm. I do hope that you sleep in this morning””
made me uncomfortable. I’m not sure why but I felt uncomfortable with the praise I guess.
Once again I deleted my account in an attempt to barricade myself away from any and every communication. I am completely devastated, broken and in pain from the loss of my sweet dog and my cow. And honestly I feel really alone, but I think if in real life I was surrounded by support, ‘friends’, etc it would be even more uncomfortable and ‘isolating’ in a way.May 26, 2022 at 12:58 pm #401224
I am pleasantly surprised. I don’t think that it ever happened on the forums that a member who deleted her/ his account returned to it. I am impresses: you are indeed exceptional, I knew it!
I will read and reply further in an hour or so.
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 1:02 pm #401225AnonymousInactive
<p style=”text-align: left;”>thank you Anita, For the wonderful message and comments. I won’t delete my account again. Another part of the reason I deleted is that I feel guilty for ranting- even on here I feel guilty.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I genuinely feel like garbage, no better way to put it. I have deadlines to reach in order to be a vet- I’m doing it for my pets- my late dog included (my dog died from cancer. She beat it three times but she was old and the fourth time it wrapped around her lungs and she was having trouble breathing. We were going to put her down but she walked out to our garden and layed herself down and went peacefully) I cannot possibly complete anything in the state of mind I’m in.
my dog was one for family, she was very family oriented. She jumped in between me and a bear once. She was a little cocker spaniel.</p>
she would want me to make connections and love etc. but my instincts physically will not allow me to interact with anyone without completely feeling like I’m losing my independence or like I’m attaching my worth to another person. I feel so guilty after talking to anyone about anything. My coworker commented the other day about how I was talking to much about my pets. I tried to be quiet after that. I’m the youngest at work everyone else is in their 30’s or so. That was a bit rough.
Even thinking about dating then having someone leave me once I’m not good enough anymore makes me petrified. People- that’s what they do, they leave when you don’t make them ‘happy’ anymore, once you’ve served your purpose they throw you away and find someone else that is good enough for them. That’s how it’s always been- with everyone.
Having a ‘friend’- even just casual friends makes me so scared. What if they just decide I’m not good enough for their stupid little agenda and drop me like literally everyone else? If I could swear on here I would. I’ve literally screwed myself for life. I’d need at least ten years of therapy to get over this- but whoop dee do, nope I’m f%$#ed- until I can at least get some sort of help.
I still have 24 cows and two other dogs. My Bernese mountain dog and the family border collie. I love them, and they are the only reason I haven’t hurt myself yet- but I’m at a point where I have never wanted to hurt myself more. It’s scary, but I’m certain I won’t. the feelings are going to eat me sooner or later. I am not ok, and I wish when someone asked me how I was doing I could say: “Hi, I was thrown off a boat then found another then thrown off again, but now I’m drowning in an ocean where all the boats drive by and the people laugh at me. occasionally I come up for air, but for the most part I can’t breathe or really do anything useful. No one wants to rescue me, I can barely tread water and I try to swim for land a little bit every day but all I see on the horizon is more water. But yeah I’m good. How are you?”
but that wouldn’t be nice to anyone, because then I’m a burden on them- then they have to listen to me blabber about how my sad, privileged, butt is most likely depressed- and for no good reason.
anyway, I hope you are well Anita. Sending my best wishes to you.May 26, 2022 at 1:18 pm #401226AnonymousInactive
two years ago (just before covid) when I was at a social event for the university I currently am attending, lots of people approached me with small talk. I was completely surprised but the weird interest in talking to me. most people just said hello how are you etc. one girl came up and started chatting about how she had heard of me from a girl I was friends with way back when I was 13. She wanted me to grab a coffee with her and her friends after the event. I remember telling her: “nice to meet you, but I can’t.” She was like: “are you busy we could do another time?” I said and I quote: “No, I’m not busy, it’s just- you do not want to be friends with me, I tend to wreck things and make people feel really bad. I hope you have a great day.” I was looking out her her and her little friend group. I walked away. She was dumbfounded. The ‘friend’ who had told this girl about me had told me that sentence before.
My honest question Anita is:
What could I possibly have done to these people my old ‘friends’ my ‘family members’? Because whatever I did must have been pretty bad. Am I missing something? I must be.