Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→I am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all.
- This topic has 253 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 months, 2 weeks ago by Anonymous.
May 29, 2022 at 1:42 pm #401484AnonymousInactive
Ahh sorry about the weird typo!!May 29, 2022 at 1:58 pm #401485AnonymousGuest
It really saddens me (!!) that your mother is hostile to the idea of you receiving therapy! Your mother is not on my good list of people for this very reason, how selfish she is! Having threatened to sell your pets so to discourage you from wanting therapy is cruel! I understand your reluctance to seek therapy. I would be scared too, if I was in your place right now, so really: no negative judgment of you, in my mind, at this point.
Till yournext post, take care, and remember: you go what it takes!!!
anitaMay 29, 2022 at 2:15 pm #401486AnonymousGuest
keyboard problems. You goT what it takes, Lea!May 29, 2022 at 8:57 pm #401500AnonymousInactive
Anita, I appreciate it. My next post won’t be until end of tomorrow- some stuff came up. I hope your Monday is great!May 30, 2022 at 7:26 am #401505AnonymousGuest
I appreciate your note, Lea, and I hope the stuff that came up is resolved by the end of the day.
anitaMay 30, 2022 at 11:26 pm #401524AnonymousInactive
I am so sorry this post is so late! Last night I had to stay up with a calf because he was having some troubles but the little guy is perfectly healthy and fine now. Tonight I worked and then my phone died at work so I had to wait until I got home to charge it and then write to you!
There will be a few sections in this post: 1) things I wrote down to tell you that I keep forgetting to tell you, 2) steps I’m taking to heal and tips you gave me. Okay, here we go.
Things I keep forgetting to tell you:
I’m not sure if this affects how you see me or any advice that you give me, but I genuinely keep forgetting to mention: at some point I was bullied in school because I’m bisexual. To branch off from that as a middle school kid, sexuality wasn’t talked in society at the time really- so I had crushes on girls and was really lost and confused the whole time. My parents are supportive of that and I’ve never had problems with them about it.
Next- personality test. I’m not sure if personality type changes any advice you give me but I figured I’d share in case it helps you understand me better or something. I have taken the ‘16 personalities test’ almost 3 years in a row and I get the same result every time (INFP-T) (with slightly different percentages) I recently took it again so I’ll write it here. My personality type is INFP-T I am 90% introverted, 77% intuitive, 81% feeling, 85% prospecting and 89% turbulent. I don’t know if this helps you at all but if it does here’s the information.
Steps I’m Taking To Heal
Okie dokie, moving on, since my last post I have been practicing your notice-pause-stop method with a bit of a twist. notice-pause-breathe-positive affirmation-stop-moveon is what I’ve been doing. I’ve for the most part caught myself attention seeking almost every time- but there have been a few times where I’ve missed it then realized later. For example I saw some people while I was walking my Bernese mountain dog yesterday. I have to go to the lab in the city for my job every weekend. I usually only pick up supplies for my week- it’s a brief visit. so I take my dog with me to go on a walk in a new park every weekend. At this park there are two loops that cross at one point, a five kilometer (3.1 miles) loop and a three kilometer (1.8 miles) loop. I was on the five kilometer loop and some other people were on the three km loop, there was a little girl with them who pointing at my dog very excitedly and clapping. For a brief moment unconsciously I debated taking the shorter loop- the one they were on- so I would run into these people again and the little girl could get excited about my dog again- maybe I’d let the little girl pet my dog. I then was able to notice this, so I stopped walking and breathed a bit before telling myself that we had a plan and I was going to continue on my path. I was a bit anxious while making the choice but I put some headphones in listened to music and walked the rest of the loop peacefully.
I also have started a few daily habits in a daily habit app. The app has a few courses in it if various topics, I’m doing the ‘setting a daily intention course’ ‘daily mindfulness’ ‘mood journaling course’. And I chose a ‘strengthening relationships’ course, even though I don’t have many relationships (besides my parents honestly) I really enjoyed doing some of the activities it has suggested for me with people I do have. Today they wanted to me send a positive message to someone and I send a message to my cousin who is struggling with mental health and I rarely am in touch with- and they were really kind and it was nice to chat with them. My neighbors dropped off some brownies for me this past Friday, and I’ve decided I’m going to make them cannoli’s in return and maybe even some cookies, I was thinking of doing a small watercolor painting of their dog for them too. They always drop deserts off for me- and they make me wheat free stuff- using special flour- when they themselves don’t have an allergy. (I can’t have wheat)
Today I did a good bit of school work, not as much as I was hoping but it was a really solid start and I’m determined to create a habit and get working. My day was positive and motivating. As a field biologist I work with animals mostly and I saw a ton of really cool wild animals at work. Tomorrow I have my intention set and I’m ready to go for it.
I just realized I don’t know that much about you Anita, do you have any pets right now (I remember earlier in the thread you mentioned you were still grieving the loss of Hunter the beagle- I’m very sorry for your loss)? How are you doing? You mentioned you were watching live music do you like music? Do you see a lot of music? I hope you are well anita! Have a wonderful morning/night.
Sincerely, LeaMay 31, 2022 at 2:03 am #401525HoneyBlossomParticipant
Congrats Lea. So good to read that you had a very productive day by putting in some reflection and strategies.
You are a power of example to me young lady. I have been in the doldrums of self-pity although I know there is so much to be grateful for.
Your work sounds so interesting. I’m so glad you have pets too. XXXMay 31, 2022 at 7:30 am #401529AnonymousInactive
Honestly thank you. It means a lot to me that you think positively of me like that. Also, we’ve all felt like that, just meh and in pity. Its okay to feel that way. I believe In you and I believe that you can do whatever you put your mind to.
My work is really cool. I really love my job, it just has weird demanding hours haha. Right now I mostly do population monitoring of certain forests which is always really cool because you see all sorts of wildlife- but I also worked in a duck population conservation project- which was insanely cool.
My pets are the best. I’m glad you have your dogs HoneyBlossom. Pets and Dogs bring so much joy .
I hope your day is wonderful as ever.
sincerely, LeaMay 31, 2022 at 8:16 am #401531AnonymousGuest
I understand about you posting late last night and that’s okay! You asked about me: I don’t have pets right now, but Hunter’s kibble and special treats are still on top of the refrigerator, I am expecting another dog, another beagle, like Hunter, one with a strong bark and a white tip to its tail. I do like music, 70s popular music is my favorite.
“I’m not sure if this affects how you see me or any advice that you give me… I was bullied in school because I am bisexual.. I had crushes on girls” – no, it doesn’t affect how I see you, as in good or bad: it just gives me more information. The point is that you want some day to have an honest, healthy romantic/ intimate relationship with a man or a woman, something you didn’t yet have… something to look forward to having.
You shared that you took personality tests three years in a row, and the result: you are “89% turbulent” (synonyms: stormy, unstable, unsettled, explosive)- well, this is why your version of my suggested Notice-Pause-Stop (NPS) strategy in regard to avoiding impulsive behaviors, or better: your Notice- Pause- Breathe- Positive Affirmation- Stop – Move On (NPBPASMO… try to say that, haha) can come handy! Practicing Emotion Regulation skills will do wonders to quiet emotional turbulence.
“90% introverted” (synonyms of introverted: shy, reserved, withdrawn, quiet, timid)- not when you are turbulent! When turbulent you are far from being shy, reserved and quiet, aren’t you? Plus, in your communication here, online- you are extroverted! I suppose that if you were not socially anxious irl, you’d be 90% extroverted…?
Good job on (1) your NPBPASMO practice while walking your dog on the 3.1 mile loop! (2) Starting a few daily habits on your daily habits app, and for sending a positive message to your cousin and deciding on reciprocating your neighbors’ culinary kindness, (3) Making a really solid start on your school work!
Excellent job, Lea, now keep doing what works for you. Every day, build on the progress of the day before. When you feel badly and when you fail at something, don’t give up: it’s part of the healing process, to have ups and downs in regard to how you feel and how you function.
anitaMay 31, 2022 at 8:34 am #401533AnonymousInactive
I was so pleased to receive your message/read your post. Thank you for answering my questions! 70’s music is really cool!!
“The point is that you want some day to have an honest, healthy romantic/ intimate relationship with a man or a woman, something you didn’t yet have… something to look forward to having.” This is a correct statement! And you put it in words perfectly. This statement made me feel very hopeful for my future.
Yes turbulence is a tricky trait haha- I’m introverted in public spaces with a lot of people, very introverted with new people, people I don’t know.I could never just walk up to someone and strike up a conversation. Back when I had close friends though I was essentially an extrovert with them, very bubbly and outgoing. I think I could be definitely more extroverted at times. Without my social anxiousness I think I’d still be partly introverted because social situations are pretty draining for me, but I’d definitely be more extroverted. I was a very extroverted young kid. Very loud, outgoing, bubbly etc.
thank you for the praise. I am and will continue practicing these positive habits and I’ll keep you updated!!
I’ll say my thank you for the week today. Thank you Anita for all of your help, positive encouragement- everything. Thank you. I’ll write in here later with some updates from my day. I hope you have a wonderful day.
sincerely, LeaMay 31, 2022 at 9:00 am #401535AnonymousGuest
So good to read that you felt hopeful, I hope that you often feel hopeful!
“Back when I had close friends though I was essentially an extrovert with them, very bubbly and outgoing… I was a very extroverted young kid” – I have no doubt that this is your true nature.
The “90% introverted” result of your recent personality test is just a snapshot of your experience at the time you took the test, and I am guessing that 70% – 80% of the 90% is due to your heightened anxiety, particularly social anxiety.
Of course, no extrovert (with an adequate measure of sefl control) is equally extroverted with all people and at all situations.
“Without my social anxiousness i think I’d still be partly introverted because social situations are pretty draining for me” – heightened anxiousness is very, very draining!
“I am and will continue practicing these positive habits and I’ll keep you updated!!” – good, thank you!
“I’ll say my thank you for the week today” – you are now responsible for my first smile of the day. Your weekly thank you feels nice!
anitaJune 1, 2022 at 6:46 pm #401583AnonymousInactive
I meant to reply to you yesterday but I got carried away! I’m glad I brought a smile to your face that makes me happy.
Today was the most productive day I have had in actual months. I worked using the pomodoro method today and the app I used said I had 5 hours and 30 minutes of focus time. I wrote a massive essay today and handed it in, and then I wrote a second essay, and finished 70% of a unit in one of my courses. One unit has taken me two weeks before.
I triggered the hyper focus response haha. I still have enough time yo enjoy some of my hobbies tonight which has me so exited!!! Im hoping to do some painting. I’m also prepping for a massive weekend hiking trip end of the month and I’m really excited. I think I’m on the right track Anita.
I’m most proud of myself today because I didn’t sleep well last night, I tossed and turned until 3 am when I finally fell asleep. I’m hoping to sleep better tonight. How was your day anita?
sincerely, LeaJune 1, 2022 at 7:39 pm #401585AnonymousGuest
Congratulatins for having had the most productiv day in months! For using the app well, for writing and handing in a massive essay, and then writing a second essay, and doing 70% of a course unit, I am impressed but not surprised: you are very intelleignent and have an amazing ability to hyperfocus!
You are indeed on teh right track and I am proud of you too. Remember, not every day will be as good as this, so don’t give up and keep building tomorrow on the progress you made today regardless of how you feel tomorrow. My evening was pleasant, thank you for asking. I hope to have a good night and hope you do too!
anitaJune 3, 2022 at 11:37 am #401644AnonymousInactive
Good Morning Anita,
how are you? I wanted to make a post to update and to just talk about some of the stuff going on. I’m slowly harnessing my hyper focus. I’ve started to notice a pattern and some triggers for the hyper focus. Which is really really good. I’m getting tight on my school deadlines (June 21st) I’m nearly done one of my courses then I have a few left. Half of one and less than a quarter of another. You have told me several times ‘you have what it takes’ and everyday I’ve been writing that on my hand in pen so I can see it. Sounds weird but I actually think it’s doing something.
you have advised me to start acting like an adult. I have been trying my best to follow this advise. My parents do not yell at me and haven’t in quite a while. My sister yells at me in my face even if I ask her quietly and nicely not to but what can you do.
My mom today stepped in after she heard my sister screaming at me calling me names from outside the house. My sister has her Nintendo switch (she plays video games for at least a few hours a day, she’s very social and an extrovert that’s how she socializes with other kids. She’s immuneally compromised so COVID could kill her easily. Even with 4 vaccines. I have 4 too and wear N95’s everywhere- it’s bad- my dad also has lung issues -he had lung cancer before I was born from second hand smoke- and COVID could kill him too.) Taken away for two weeks- and if she yells at me again or gets mad at me because the games were taken away she gets it taken away for longer. My mom has done this in the past and my sister is much more quiet and pleasant without the games. I’m feeling heard I guess. My mom has been very present lately and it makes me happy.
My dad is drifting, his job is seriously affecting his mental health and I’m so glad because he’s thinking of quitting!!! Which would be incredible because I remember how different he was before the job. Even though he’s not physically present or really emotionally present He has been trying to be really supportive of me lately. I collect first edition books (they’re quite rare and rarely come for sale) and one came up for sale an hour away from his work (two from my house) he offered to drive after work to pick it up for me and pay for it!!! (not cheap) with no question- he didn’t complain or anything. (It’s a first edition of little women. One of my favorites!!!) I’ve found my dad has always been supportive in this way he has paid for classes for me, taken me places to do stuff etc. he was so supportive when I came out as bi and was actually crying because he was proud of me or something. A bit uncomfortable but I was happy. He even agreed to send me to therapy if I needed it- but I had to talk to my mom first- (the obstacle.) He has not made fun of me or teased me since April – I talked to him about it a while ago and he was very understanding. I guess the only thing is he is so emotionally detached- I actually suspect he might disassociated due to the workplace abuse he’s been enduring. (Extreme criticism, name calling etc)
in terms of the stop-pause- etc technique it’s been working. I have slipped back into attention seeking ways three major times this week. One time I had to write an essay about what I’m doing that is environmentally friendly and ways I could improve. I think I got a bit braggy in that essay. Another was when I was writing my novel (I am writing a book maybe it will be published some day- that’s the dream) and I was daydreaming about how the world was going to love it because my characters were so diverse and it was going to be different than everyone else etc- next was when I was helping my sister with her science homework- right now I’m taking university genetics, statistics and biochem. these courses are hard. She was doing very early and basic biochem and I ended up discussing a question so deeply that she and my mom said “we get how smart you are- please stop talking.” I felt guilty after that.
to tie into that I feel like I might have been thinking arrogantly lately- I do my best. Here are some thoughts I’ve had recently: “I’ll get my book published, it will be really good. is different and has things other books don’t have” “maybe if I write another scientific publication I’ll be important” “if I volunteer or start a charity will people think I’m a good person?” That last one I felt so guilty. I like to think I’m pretty passionate about a few things and I definitely would volunteer. But I don’t want to volunteer to feel ‘needed’ or ‘important’.
out loud and not in my head I’m pretty good at catching myself and acting calmly and not arrogant or egotistical but my head is an echo of similar thoughts all day how do I deal with that? I have tried to chant to myself ‘you are not your thoughts’ but it’s almost like another form of OCD obsessive thoughts materializing.
One more thing. I day dream constantly. To the point where it can become a problem. My daydreams always follow the same formula. Sometimes it’s me as the main character but most often it’s someone from literature or a made up character. Character is wronged (cheated on, betrayed etc) character leaves home and all friends and family, character starts new life (ie gets married, has kids, goes to university, finds a community) then character comes back home and shows everyone how they moved on and how they don’t need them anymore. usually involving dramatic entrances, showing up randomly to help out friends and family etc.
Every single day dream. I don’t think I’ve had a single one that doesn’t have some sort of ‘let me show you what you don’t know about me, let me prove myself to you’ theme. I’ve taken this as ‘ I wanna prove myself so bad but I have to daydream about it all the time.” I have found myself day dreaming about relationships that I could be in, but usually they follow a similar theme. I hide my relationship and then it’s dramatically revealed yo my friends and family. I’ve had several where I just think about all the things I’d do for someone and the things I’d hope they’d do for me. But those are fairly rare. All my day dreams involve proving myself to someone or showing someone that they were wrong about me/character I don’t know why, what are your thoughts anita?
sincerely, LeaJune 3, 2022 at 1:32 pm #401700AnonymousGuest
I appreciate you caring to post an update: harnessing your exceptional ability to hyperfocus, noticing triggers, and getting tight on your school deadlines!
“My sister yells at me in my face even if I ask her quietly not to but what can you do” – you can try not to ask her; but to demand that she lowers her voice, demand it not quietly but loudly enough (not yelling though), using your strong voice while looking her in the eye. You can demand it from her not nicely, but with a hint of aggression. Sometimes people who fail to respond to niceness, respond well to a hint of aggression.
It is similar to this: on my walk, one of the neighbors’ dogs, upon noticing me, ran out of his yard to the part of the road where I walk and charged at me. I tried to be nice to him, talking to him with a soothing, friendly voice, but he kept barking at me aggressively whenever he was in the yard while I walked on the part of the road. He continued to do so until his owner called him repeatedly. One day, instead of being nice, I raised my voice at the dog and in an aggressive tone told him to go away. The dog’s response: he withdrew back into his yard and didn’t bother me since.
Another example: there is this big man who is abusive from time to time, in the taproom I frequent. I tried to be nice to him again and again, but once in a while, he’d say something abusive. The other day, when he entered the taproom, I stood in front of him, facing him, standing erect, with my eyes looking into his eyes and no smile on my face. His response: he moved away from me to the other end of the taproom and did not bother me.
Notie: I did not invade the dog’s yard, he charged at me outside his yard; I did not verbally abuse the big man at the taproom, he did the abusing. Reacting to abuse assertively with a hint of aggression, when being nice repeatedly failed to work, is the way to go much of the time.
I just read (after writing the above) that your mother intervened in your favor, as far as your sister abuse goes and I am impressed and pleased!!!
I am also pleased to read how supportive your father has been!
I will continue to read from the fifth paragraph and onward, starting with “In terms of the stop-pause etc.” in a few hours, or tomorrow.