I also wanted to say Anita, thank you. Thank you so much. I am so grateful for you. You are an amazing person. Thank you.

Hi Helcat! How are you?
yeah dealing with my sister is difficult. It’s not necessarily because they refuse to intervene it’s that my sister doesn’t listen so they kinda gave up. she wasn’t always like this. I’ve tried to talk to her and she just screams at me and tells me to shut up and go away because I’m stupid and dumb. What I experienced at school was not considered bullying to the school authorities. For some reason I never told my parents about some of the things I experienced. My fear is that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. Even now as a 19 year old I’m often not taken seriously by them. I think I told my parents when I got locked in a closet and when a kid threatened to burn my house down (they just said they’re a kid, they’re not going to burn your house down but I was scared for weeks) but other than that? I didn’t tell them about when I was punched in the face, threatened to be choked, I didn’t tell them about the names the kids used to call me at school (dirty pig, dirty cow, cows etc.) and I sure didn’t tell them about the bullying I received when I volunteered at a summer camp and the 27 year old bullied me. When i was bullied by my senior running coach instructor she just brushed it off and said that’s weird (the instructor said stuff like ‘I’m glad you weren’t here I got to spend time with my favorite student blank’  ‘we only brought you along because you always bring good snacks’ ‘you talk too much’ ‘shut up’ ‘you aren’t a very good runner, this person is better than you’) I stopped running after that and I don’t run anymore.

When I asked my mom for therapy she told me ‘I don’t know why you want to go you have no trauma’ in my parents eyes I’m the ‘victim who always talks about bad things and ends up in a pity party’ I occasionally bring things up and they just shut me down. I know that talking about things that have happened that were bad isn’t always the best thing, but there are things that I still haven’t processed.(I feel uncomfortable saying that I have trauma but I’ve experienced stuff) I believe that the more what I’ve gone through is denied, the more I’ll actually subconsciously play the victim because no one will acknowledge that I am struggling with everything I experienced as a kid.
I am actually signing up to volunteer soon! I won’t see a ton of people in this volunteer job. I have been ridiculed by people older than me my running coach who was in their 70’s etc. I’m not sure why but usually I do feel safer with people older than me. Anyone who is my age feels like a ticking bomb- when are they going to leave me, hurt me or break me? Hard to say. Older people usually are mature enough to not just… but anyway thank you Helcat. I appreciate it.

Helcat, first of all I’m so sorry to hear that you went through an assault. You are a wonderful individual. As for my volunteer job I’m volunteering at a local animal shelter cleaning cadges and whatnot. I think I really will enjoy it. I love animals. They have saved my life. animals are really incredible. I’m working towards veterinary medicine because I want to help animals in return. cows are so loving and gentle. My big Bernese mountain dog is so empathetic. I really am excited. I wish you luck on your assessment and job interview. I believe in you!

Hi Anita, yeah it’s difficult. My parents are trying they just are so busy in their own work and stuff that they miss a lot. Yes! I’ve had my cows for 9 years. I got them when I was ten. Originally when I was 10-12 they were my 4H projects. When I’m upset I go out to the barn with my dog, and I just sit in the stall with my cows, and I just cry in the corner and tell them what’s going on. I raised these cows I would get up very early to give them their bottles and such. They’re so gentle, When they’re laying down and you’re giving them head scratches they’ll put their head in your lap. It sounds weird but I’ve been doing that for years and years. My sister doesn’t like going in the barn. my mom never goes to the barn unless I ask her to.

I was thinking about it this morning, and remembered a big key part in my issues at school. So I figured I’d share it.

Quick background: I moved to a new school when I was in fifth grade. and that’s when people started calling me names and such. I was called a lot of names. I actually don’t remember most of what they said to me but all I know is that it was bad. I remember being called smelly, dirty, (because I had cows) they had a pet name for me and they just called me cows, plural. They can call me by my name they called me cows. I was threatened, i’d had stuff thrown at me sometimes not too much though, I had one particular kid who liked to do very violent things, as I mentioned in an earlier post I was tackled punched, threatened to be choked. does violent kid change schools for the next year six grade so he wasn’t there when I went into grade 6.

what I forgot to mention, was sixth grade.
in sixth grade I became ‘friends’ with this new kid. And he took it upon his personal mission to hurt me in every way. Every morning I got there before him, so when he would arrive he would come and find me anywhere on the playground outside before school, he would sneak up behind me, grab my backpack or my shoulder, pull me towards him and then push me away from him.

Often times I would fall over, I remember having scraped knees from falling on concrete. I remember there was a point where my backpack strap snapped because he pulled on it every day. He would do it over and over I’d be trying to walk and he’d be pulling and pushing me. He like to sneak up behind me, One time I was walking down a set of stairs and he kicked me in the butt and I fell down the stairs. I just remember being really sore.

I briefly remember him pulling my hair, but that didn’t happen very much. he liked to follow me around I couldn’t get rid of him. I’d try to avoid him and he come find me somewhere on the playground.

but yeah I remember every morning, he would come up behind me- every morning for almost a year grab me usually my backpack, and push me over. We have to wear uniforms at the school, and often I had to wear white pants he would push me over and my pants would get grass stains, my poor mom would end up scrubbing the grass stains out of my pants.

I don’t think I ever told them that he would push me every day. The teachers didn’t really see a concern with that cause I remember having a conversation with them.

In addition to him pushing me, I remember him constantly berating me. I would say something whether it be to him or not, and he would always have something to say about it. I would voice some opinion and he would be like no that’s wrong- I’m right here’s the facts to back me up. he followed me everywhere at school. Not to the bathroom but everywhere else. In the years after 6th grade- he tried to barricade me in a room alone with him. he stood in front of the door and started to close it. I remember completely freaking out and basically pushing him out of the way as hard as I could and running.

He liked to take away my space, I remember one time he somehow got me trapped in a corner and he was standing in front of me and he was trying to convince me that we should be dating. I’m quite tall for a female, i’m about 5 10-5 11 even then- I was about that tall this was in high school and he was about 6 feet tall, he kept me trapped in that corner for quite a long time, before I tried to leave and he kept grabbing me. I was just like no no no. Bye leave me alone. He scared me.

I remember  having a conversation with a teacher about him trying to get me in a corner.

Then he started blaming me for every problem that he had. One time I was in the same lunch room as him eating my lunch peacefully. And his nose started bleeding, and he went up to the teacher and told them that I  hurt him and made his nose bleed. Guess what the teacher came over and got mad at me. Luckily I didn’t get the detention or anything.

People had a fun habit of throwing chairs at me- I remember him throwing a few chairs at me.

There be times where he would just try to grab my arm or my shoulder. Everyone just said oh you know he’s just a boy, he’s immature he’ll grow out of it. And so I was like okay this is normal.

thinking  back having people push you over every day probably isn’t normal.
He would tell me that I was wrong, that I shouldn’t have an opinion that I was dumb, say things like: I was stupid, that I was fat, that I had a bad taste in music.  he harassed me to give him my phone number, which I never did.

he constantly would call me a bad friend, a bad person. every time I would try to tell him that I can’t be is ‘friend’ anymore he would tell me he had no other friends and he had nobody else and I was the only one who was there for him. I was ‘friends’ with him until 10th or 11th grade. When he transferred to a different school.