Hello Starlight
I am a bit confused “When i was younger, i could have gone to art school to do a foundation course, and then perhaps fine art. But about the time i was thinking of this, my mother decided she was going to go to the art school. She told me i should help support her by doing housework. I ended up leaving and going to work.”

When your mum asked you to do housework, was that taking on some of the chores around the family home or did she mean you going out & earning money to support her? Also you said you were thinking about the art course, did you talk to your mum about your dreams, before she went ahead & actioned hers?

I did art as a nightschool subject ( I was rubbish, but still got pleasure) & I also did a distance learning course in arts & antiques ( I think I have a good eye) all whilst raising a family & working.
Is art for you an expression of your thoughts & feelings? and or a way of getting money, recognition & prestige? Does the action of creating something bring you joy?
Who owns your art & joy? you, your mother, art critiques?
Was/ is your mother happy & fulfilled by going to study art?
What is art to you? I have a friend who is in their seventies & has only just started to express & explore herself thru art, so it is never to late to reclaim yourself.
Kind regards
Roberta

Hi again, Starlight✨️

I hear that you don’t want to be unfair, and that shows how thoughtful you are. At the same time, it’s important to remember that you were very young, and the responsibility to communicate clearly or protect your opportunities was never supposed to fall on you.

Parents are the ones who should notice, guide, and support — not the other way around.

When I mentioned apology and amends, I meant that forgiveness becomes confusing when the person who caused the harm doesn’t acknowledge it. I’m glad what I said made sense to you. I’m here for you whenever you want to talk 🙂

Anita

Good morning, Starlight✨️

I wanted to share something from my own experience: for a very long time, I was struggling with anger at my mother, guilt for feeling that anger, and a deep confusion about what I was ‘supposed’ to feel.

Back then, people often encouraged me to understand my mother, to empathize with her, to forgive her, to see her wounds. They meant well, but those messages actually made things harder for me.

I was already overflowing with empathy for her and had none for myself. I was already blaming myself, already feeling guilty, already trying to excuse her behavior. Being urged to forgive or to see her side didn’t help me heal — it pushed me deeper into guilt and self‑doubt, and it kept me stuck in the same emotional position I had been in as a child.

I’m not saying forgiveness is wrong; I’m saying that when someone is still hurting, still trying to understand what happened to them, and still trying to find their own voice, being told to forgive or to see the parent’s perspective can feel like pressure rather than support.

What helped me wasn’t being told to rise above it — it was being told that my anger made sense, that my pain was real, and that I was allowed to have my own experience. I just wanted to offer that in case you’ve ever felt something similar.

You get to move at your own pace, in your own way, without anyone else defining what healing should look like for you!

Anita

Dear Starlight ✨🤍💫

It sounds like you have gained a lot of clarity these past weeks. You’ve been doing deep, difficult work, and it really shows. It makes sense that it felt overwhelming, and you don’t owe anyone a quicker reply. Taking time away is completely okay 🙂

I love that you found a simple art book that feels gentle and doable. That’s such a kind way to reconnect with your creativity — step by step, without pressure.

About what you shared in the “Psychic ‘attack’” thread — that sense of something unwelcome near you makes emotional sense given the enmeshment you’ve been untangling. It reflects how deeply and negatively that old bond affected you, not anything supernatural or dangerous.

Best I understand, what your mother did to you wasn’t a single, loud act of stopping you from going to art school — it was the long, quiet erosion of your confidence, your identity, and your right to have a life of your own.

She created an emotional atmosphere where you were guilt‑tripped for having needs (“guilt tripping”, your words), made uncomfortable when you succeeded (“no pictures were put up”), denied validation when you achieved something (“lack of validation”), and subtly pushed into supporting her dreams instead of developing your own (“help support her by doing housework” while she pursued art).

That kind of environment slowly wears down a young person’s sense of worth until the door to their future feels closed — not because they weren’t allowed to walk through it, but because they no longer believed they had the right or the strength to.

What you’re seeing now — the sabotage, the enmeshment, the way your mental health deteriorated — is the real damage. And it makes complete sense that it took time and distance for you to recognize it.

Stepping back from contact with your mother can help you in ways that go far beyond avoiding conflict — it gives you the space you’ve never had to develop a self that isn’t shaped by her needs, her guilt, or her emotional reactions.

Every time an enmeshed adult child reconnects, even briefly, the old pattern pulls them back into the role they were trained to play: the child who must manage the mother’s feelings, protect her from discomfort, and silence their own needs. That isn’t your fault — it’s the pattern she created.

As long as there is contact, that pattern gets reinforced, and your mind doesn’t get the quiet it needs to grow in its own direction. No contact isn’t about punishment; it’s protection. It’s the boundary that allows your identity, your creativity, and your inner clarity to finally take root without being overridden.

You deserve a life where your thoughts belong to you, where your achievements are celebrated, and where your emotional world is not shaped by someone else’s unmet needs. Distance is what makes that possible.

Your decision to step back from contact sounds grounded and protective of your well‑being.

🌿🌿🌿Anita