hey Sonja,
I think you problem is not a serious one. This is a usual thing happening in nowadays life style. There are many reasons for it.But whatever may be the reason, we need to fix it. The main point is there is a quote that “If you seriously love someone, that person should feel free and he/she should have to think of you when he get a spare time from work etc. ” . So one need to behave and love in such a way that utmost pleasure and happiness is already with me and i dont have to wander any more to grab it.

the solution to your issue is let us try a new life.Accept his apologies and give him a chance. Then love him whole heartily so that he cannot even look on another woman just for a fun as he will be criticized in his inner mind that he is doing wrong to his better half.

Then also if he is not changing you no need to worry because, you are not loosing anything, only he looses a person who loves him whole heartily.

So the point is lets begin with positive energy, think you are the super hero.All power is within you,.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can’t even imagine how you feel. I think you should move on…There is no excuse for what he did. If he did it once, I would consider another chance, but he did it more than once. I feel like the only reason he’s sorry is because he got caught. I know this doesn’t take the pain away, but in due time it will. I’m going through a breakup right now and it hurts like hell. I just keep telling myself that in due time the pain will be less and less. I will be so happy when the point comes. I will also be happy when that happens for you as well.

Wow, I had to respond to this one !

I am so sorry for your pain, and I went through feelings of the same nature in a previous relationship , due to the persons inability to think with his brain instead of his nether regions. It is painful, and causes feelings of anger, jealousy, feeling not good enough etc, but it will get better.

The problem here is that, the person is being very self – centered, focusing on their own selfish wish for gratification and pleasure. They are not thinking of you, and how it feels for you, and even if he does – his mind sees his desires as more important. Once trust has been broken to this level – it is very very hard to get it back, and to even trust yourself again (which you will eventually) It gives us that icky feeling of not knowing what is true and what is not – its a truly horrible feeling, but you will find peace again. (try to meditate, bathe, use nice relaxing music,) Remind yourself that this is his issue – not yours. His side, his mess – and it has nothing to do with you. He made those choices (and the feeling unloved excuse is a low effort at trying to deflect from his own disgraceful behavior)

I agree with love can conquer all, and that unconditional love is the ideal way to be, but in that context, the person has to really truly want to change, and to work with you . And on your side, you would have to forgive, and trust – which would be very hard in reality. For me I dont think I would be able to, even if I wanted to. I know I would never rest easy, or feel peaceful, as my human nature / logical side would say that if he has these tendencies, he may do it again.

He went a few steps too far here, in my book. Secret credit cards, singles holidays, hook ups, and affairs with an ex ? He seems to have a boundary problem here – that is completely unacceptable in a monogamous relationship !! (what you thought was a monogamous one) You were doing your part – studying, working – and he seems to have been leading a double life !

Im really sorry if I sound hard hearted – but Im just really finding it hard to imagine trusting this person again.

As for black magic – that is not true ! The only black magic here, was his own dark need to do just what he wanted in those moments of greed, and do as he pleased – without thinking of your pain, or of any concequences.

You sound like a lovely person – and only you can decide, but whatever you decide – this is not about you. It wasnt just a mistake, it was behavior over time, repeated, for as long as he could get away with. Whatever stress / issues he had , does not excuse this behavior. He could have spoken to you if there were issues to discuss, instead of doing this.

Please take care of yourself – be around good people, friends, family, maybe look up a councellor in your area for yourself. (he certainly needs to see someone too ) And please put the idea of black magic out of your mind – these were choices, by a grown adult.

I am really sending you a hug – be good to yourself, and do what makes you happy in your heart. We all deserve peace and happiness.

Love,
Barbs

I just had to respond. I totally agree with Abhinand. You are currently weak,hurt,very emotional.you are taking a decision because you got hurt.I think a decision is right when its well thought of considering both sides .I understand your feelings esp. when u say he was the love of your life. but i advice you to get calm. stop thinking about the pain he caused you,he did this to you,he did that you n all tht. For now leave the “you” part and think about the the whole relationship,where things started going wrong…whether somewhere,something that you took for granted.this is not finding your faults, this is respecting the fact that we are all humans and not perfect,we dont have to be anyways.But our efforts should be perfect…upto 100%. Effort to love,to live,to forgive,to correct,to restart and live again. Forget about the result but there should be effort put in first before anybody gives up.
Let me remind you human mind is always always inconsistent,changing,like some one called it ‘the drunk monkey’,most people dont have the control over it. So,try to find out if he is/was not strong, weak minded,if he needs help or something.If he does need help then you as the stronger one can provide it. And if he is really bad person then you will know within minutes and then you know he doesnt deserve any chance.You might be able to do this considering the fact that he was the love of your life once. This kind of closure is good. This will bring surety and clarity on all the things.You will be sure about yourself, what you are ,your emotions,your strenght,your weakness,your respect,your life. This is the way you build your strength mentally and in your practical life again,and not by crying,remembering of those times,feeling cheated and feeling pity/sad, and struggling to cheer up again, burying the events,trying to forget things…all that is too hard. Be strong and face your sorrows, you can definitly eliminate them. This is my way of dealing with life ,could help you too.

Thanks

Hi Again Sonja,

No , you are not a crazy nut – see it more that you are a kind and loving person, and you are dissapointed that he cannot see what damage he has done – made it impossible for you to go back, in effect. You are sad that it is his loss – that he will not wake up to himself – and I am in exactly the same boat.

Currently, in an irony of all ironies – my partner who came in at 8 am this morning, after a drunken staff night out last night – is in the spare room, I could not have him in the bed near me after his behavior . I will also have to do what you are doing Sonja. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt – but the ‘off’ button does not exist for him. He didnt answer my calls last night and I got about 2 hours sleep from worry and stress, and being upset. He was barely coherent when he came in, and was barely making sense. I trusted, or wanted to believe, that he would come home at a decent hour, or at least wanted to – no, wrong again. I shouted and roared at him, a I was so angry 🙁

He smokes weed every night after work in the garden, does coke about 4 times a year (that I know of ) and generally this causes me pain, discomfort, lack of harmony. It upsets my inner peace, although I try not to let it as much as it used to. He also works 14 hour days. I meditate, look after myself and try to cope – but like you – imagine if we had kids ??? Thank God for that, that we dont, or it would be a whole other world of pain. So what does that tell us – that if we brought kids into this mess, it would not be right, it would not be good for them, or for anybody. So what is there to do only let go ? Let them have the freedom of a single life – as they are clearly not ready for a nice calm one !

Im terified to do it, to tell him to go, and get out of my life – I have been putting it off for so long, as I know I will miss his hugs, him just being there (when he is there ) Im afraid I will regret it (see my thread ‘Decisions’ and ‘decisions again’ – Matt gave me great advice on self care, which has been invalubale in helping me stay sane) and I am afraid I’m too late now at 36 to meet someone – but I HAVE to do it soon – because how long can I carry on with this.

Well done brave sister, say a prayer for me that I can be strong enough to do the right thing also, like you.

Oh I will cry – I will cry, and wail, because I do love him, and I try to make him see sense, but ultimately – he is not capable, currently, and possibly never – of committing and settling in his own skin. That is a pity – as it is a waste. And yet, he said this morning ”I have done nothing wrong”.

We will get there, and well done to you for taking the steps you have – to a happier path that you deserve.

Love
Namaste
Barbs.