Im sorry for the late replies, i only use my PC once a day because of work.

Well, right before that day,i was head over heels, thinking of her constantly, feeling great while doing so, feeling content and connected.
But that changed in one morning and i dont understand why and how.Is this real or am i blocked by something? I feel like all of my love feelings have vanished, even for my friends and family, i only feel familiarity and “obligation”.

I thought it could be the distance and that i want something close, but i was in it for 8-9 months, i guess it would have occured way earlier. What i’m feeling when we talk is like im talking to a stranger, feeling cold and apathetic.Like my mind erased her in a way, or she has done something bad to me, which she hasn’t.But i feel apathetic towards everyone right now, not just her. (Yeah i would really like to explore and find out what’s going on)

There have been case studies where a person who experienced brain trauma would suddenly not recognized their parents. They would see their parents but say that they are not her real parents. So, the brain is capable of many things. Suddenly lost of emotions for a loved one is not new. Being totally in love one moment then in another have lost all emotional connection in the next moment. For some the trigger is a physical one where the person experiences an injury. For others it could be triggered by a thought which flipped a switch in the brain.

What gives one a life and understanding of one’s life is the persistence of memory. From one moment to the next, one has a personal history in which one finds one’s “purpose”. It gives meaning to who they are and where they are in life. If a small part of this is lost then the world can fall apart.

The possibility to regain one’s prior emotional world could depend on how well one remembers their feelings. Because the spark that cause the feelings can be rekindled thru efforts. However, the mind can decide to retreat and pull away from emotional tangles. So, what does one do in case this happens? Well, how well does one remember and what does one want to happen. I know if this happened to me and I still remember then I want to keep the relationship since it is so hard to make good relationships. But, if the cause was something like dementia then there is no choice. So, if you have the memories then the choice is yours. If you don’t have the memories then there is no choice.

Hi again, Confused:

About the How (continuing my last post to you): When the brain senses danger — emotional or physical — it first tries to protect you with Fight‑or‑Flight. But if the situation feels impossible to escape and there’s no way to fight the source of danger, the brain flips into a Freeze or numb state. (Fight, Flight and Freeze are the 3 responses to danger in the animal world)

Chemically, stress hormones like cortisol surge and then drop, the brain releases natural pain‑numbing chemicals, and the thinking part of the brain goes quiet. At the same time, the nervous system slows the heart rate and breathing to conserve energy. This combination makes you feel far away, disconnected, or unreal.

It’s not a choice — it’s the body’s built‑in way of protecting you from overwhelming feelings by temporarily turning down your awareness. When the body senses safety again, the nervous system slowly “turns back on,” and you begin to feel present and connected once more.

– Now, what’s the danger that caused the recent dissociation? Could be a memory of danger that was triggered. You mentioned “violence and arguing constantly” in regard to growing up with your mother. Not something you were able to run away from because you were a minor stuck living with her (the Flight response was not available to you),and I assume you didn’t Fight her, at least not successfully, so gone was your Fight option. What remained was Freeze response (dissociation) .

I would like to read your thoughts about this..?

🤍 Anita

There was a conversation though that i didnt feel very good about at the time. She asked me if i would be able to live in another country, leave my friends and family behind, then stated that she can start a business in her country and she gave me an example of a friend of hers that was LDR with a guy from my country that didn’t work out because of the distance. All the while, she never mentioned that she would consider moving to my country as much as i would consider moving to hers (i mentioned that and she said “well, u never asked” well i never did but idk..) Maybe at that conversation i felt unsafe to invest further and my subconscious shutdown ?

Dear Confused:

The experience you described (I researched it this morning), is indeed a classic for a dissociative shutdown triggered by attachment stress.

Everything you describes fits a pattern:

* Sudden emotional numbing
* Loss of feelings for everyone, not just the partner
* Depression (not leaving bed, barely showering), apathy, inability to enjoy anything
* Cognitive fog (missing words, feeling “frozen”)
* Rumination and panic about the loss of feelings,
* History of chaotic or frightening childhood attachment
* Fear of abandonment
* A triggering conversation about major life changes

When someone truly falls out of love, they still feel joy in other areas, still feel connection to other people and emotional warmth. But you say that you feel apathetic towards everyone right now, not just her.

That’s emotional numbing.

You wrote: “How does my body relate this relationship to the one with my mother? I can’t comprehend that, I saw no similarities there..”

You childhood experience is not only relevant but extremely relevant to what you described. You mentioned a childhood of violence, chaos, unpredictable affection and emotional instability- This is the exact environment that creates disorganized attachment, hypervigilance, fear of abandonment and dissociation (emotional shutdown under stress) as a coping mechanism.

Children in chaotic homes often learn to shut down emotionally when things get overwhelming. This pattern often reappear in adulthood — especially in intimate relationships.

You wrote, “I am disorganized attached”. Attachment styles form in childhood based on how caregivers respond to us. Disorganized attachment develops when a child’s caregiver is frightening, unpredictable, chaotic, sometimes loving- sometimes harmful and emotionally unstable.

The child faces an impossible situation: ‘The person I need for safety is also the person I fear.’ So, the child’s nervous system becomes confused about how to connect. In adulthood, this often shows up as: * Intense fear of abandonment (you mentioned “the fear of abandonment”) * Craving closeness but panicking when it appears * Sudden emotional shutdowns * Difficulty trusting stability * Feeling unsafe in love, and * Dissociation during emotional intimacy.

It’s the nervous system trying to protect someone who grew up in emotional chaos.

– I will continue in the next post.

🤍 Anita   

Dear Confused (Part 2/2):

People with disorganized attachment are more likely to experience dorsal vagal shutdown in relationships.

What is the ‘dorsal vagal shutdown state’?- This term is relatively new (mid-90s). It comes from the polyvagal theory of the nervous system.

The Freeze response to perceived danger = ‘I can’t move.’ (tension, alert immobility)
The Dorsal vagal shutdown = ‘I can’t feel.’ (numbness, collapsed immobility; the deeper version)

The dorsal vagal shutdown state is the body’s emergency power‑saving mode when something feels too overwhelming to handle. When something feels too overwhelming or impossible to escape, the nervous system slows everything down — emotions, energy, heart rate, and awareness — to protect you. It’s the body’s way of ‘turning down the lights’ so you don’t feel the full impact of the stress.

In this state, people feel: emotionally numb, disconnected from themselves and others, unable to feel love or joy, exhausted, foggy, spaced out.. like they’re watching life from far away. The heart rate slows, breathing becomes shallow, the thinking brain goes offline, the body releases natural numbing chemicals, the system shuts down. It’s a survival reflex — the same one animals use when they “play dead.”

*** The trigger for you was likely the conversation about moving countries. You described a very specific moment: she asked if you could move to her country. She didn’t mention moving to yours and she gave an example of a failed LDR. For someone with abandonment fears, this conversation can feel like pressure, threat of loss, fears of making a life‑changing decision which may be the wrong choice, fear of sacrificing too much, fear of feeling trapped in a real-life situation or relationship.

Your nervous system likely interpreted this as something like ‘This is dangerous. Too much risk. Too much uncertainty’, which led to the dorsal vagal shutdown state. The body said ‘This is too much, I’m shutting down!”.

* LDRs involve big future decisions. Someone eventually has to: move countries, leave family, change jobs and uproot their life. For someone with abandonment fears or disorganized attachment, this is massive pressure.

* * * From what you shared about what she said to you, she framed the future in a one‑sided way. She talked about you moving, not the two of you discussing options. She used an example of a failed LDR which can feel like a subtle warning or pressure. She didn’t reassure you- She didn’t say: ‘We’ll figure it out together’, ‘We’ll explore both options.’ ‘I’m open to moving too.’ Instead, she put the responsibility on you. “well, you never asked” is defensive, not collaborative. So, yes, her comments were a legitimate trigger.

Perhaps you should have a calm (as much as possible), honest and open conversation with her about this..?

Your question: “Is this real or am I blocked?”- The answer (in psychological terms in my best understanding) is: you are blocked. Not suddenly ‘over’ the relationship.

*** Coming out of the dorsal vagal shutdown state is not a mental decision — it’s a physiological thawing process. The nervous system has to slowly shift from ‘collapse’ back into ‘safe connection’ when you feel that you’re not in danger anymore. I imagine that having an honest, open conversation with her where (and if) she doesn’t get defensive, doesn’t come across as threatening (mentioning failed LDRs), and sharing responsibility/ being collaborative, and reassuring- will help!

Also helpful: having a calm environment, reduced pressure or conflict overall. positive, supportive connections with people, a daily routine.. exercise, particularly gentle movement like stretching, yoga or Tai Chi.

Coming out of freeze or shutdown is like a frozen lake slowly melting. It’s not instant. It’s not a choice. It’s a process you can trust if you understand how it works.

I hope this is somewhat helpful 🙂

🤍 Anita

Yes i have also read all those and i relate with most of them, which was scary for me at first.

The loss of joy was there before her i think, it’s just she gave me meaning again and something to look forward to (which i know is unhealthy)
The dissociation and fog were the scariest for me. Also the primal feeling of disgust/repulsion that i felt suddenly that morning when i read the messages, something ive never experienced before, like a visceral reaction to something that hurt me.
My family environment was definitely chaotic. A lot of arguing, screaming and violence while growing up. I found myself escaping reality in video games mostly. I really crave connection and my feelings back but now i am afraid that i’ll hurt her because i cant trust myself.
I was a people pleaser and a fixer in most of my relationships because i was afraid of being abandoned if i dont measure up to the insane standards that i set. (by myself, not my partners fault) Often craving emotional intensity and infatuation because that’s what was making me feel alive, the chaos and unpredictability. Even now with her, when she pulls away, there are moments where i feel strongly in my stomach to pursue her and when i get her, my avoidant side is coming out again and i cant control it, it sucks.Like i am causing it by “predicting” it in my mind. There was definitely push-pull and instability with my mother (arguing/violence, hugging the next, like i said)
About your second reply, those things kinda confuse me, i need to educate myself a little better maybe on those responses i think.
Yeah during that conversation, i also said to her that moment “hey, what counts is that we both want it, so we can make it work if we truly do” and she replied “haha, its not always that easy” (which at this moment created a HUGE question mark in my head, like she is shutting me down, trying to sabotage us and that was really what i didnt wanna hear). I have intense flight responses when switching places (even visiting my second country house where i spent most of my summers growing up) makes me wanna leave and unable to sleep until 2-3 days have passed and i’m settled, strange.
Like i said to Alessa, i talked to her about it yesterday. She instantly flipped to a colder version of her, withdrawing possibly because of being overwhelmed, and took it the wrong way (she read it like i said “no matter how much i like u it cant work, which i explained to her that this wasnt what i typed and then she apologized for misunderstanding) but she’s still kinda distant. I dont think i have the energy of pursuing her anymore, i feel like i need her to show up or just be done with it because texting forever isn’t leading into a relationship and i told her that i want the whole package (for the first time i phrased my needs in a relationship)

Sorry for the long replies, will check yours after i return, thank you very much 🙂

Hello anita

Well, it did but thoughts (probably some sort of rocd) kept doubting it by playing in my mind “but was it real? maybe u forced it” and stuff because i dont wanna hurt her feelings. That’s what im worried tho, if they come back too late, after i’ve lost her will be a huge regret for me (because i pushed her away by sharing many details about my thoughts which she wasnt ready to handle). I dont know how to make my system feel safe.

Yeah probably that was a hit for me, felt like she shot me down while i was putting myself out there.

I have read many stories in here and on other forums aswell and i really feel bad.I think i have the first piece of the puzzle here, or maybe its just my thoughts and i am indeed out of love? Its pretty hard to tell but that sudden shift doesnt feel normal to me, thats why i started searching. I hope she can be by my side while i heal and rekindle our connection because it did feel special and deep. Ive had it done to me by another avoidant and this is how i discovered attachment styles a couple years ago.. thats why i didnt want to run instantly and try to figure it out.

I am sorry that you too went through that, must have been very hard. How did u heal this? U just ride the waves and let it pass until u manage it easier every time? I would like some info about how u healed it and how did dissociation feel like for u? I wanna see if i have the same symptoms mostly.

I am trying to but i still obsess over them and ruminating like crazy.. Having the warmth in my memories but not being able to feel them is killing me because i did feel amazing with her. Logically i know that, but i am unwillingly pressuring myself to feel again so it further delays it.

Thank you for your replies i really appreciate it 🙂