Dear Ada:

This is what you shared and what I understand about you from your two posts: You suffer from anxiety and from depression that gets worse around the winter months, and overall, you are “feeling very dissociative in life… like an observer in my life and the choices I was making weren’t what I wanted to do, they were things I felt like I needed to do“.

You’ve been “genuinely obsessed… extremely obsessed with him“, that is, with your long-distance boyfriend for 11 months. You are afraid to break up with him and remain alone: “I fear I will be all alone… I’m worried that I won’t experience love and acceptance like this ever again“. You often feel guilty about what you happen to think feel and how you behave: “I feel guilty in saying my first thought was if I broke up with him…  it broke me to think I had upset him because how standoffish I become… I feel guilty…  feel like the bad guy… I just don’t want to hurt him“. Within the relationship with him, you looked up to him: “I’ve seen him to be above me in a way, I would always value everything he had to say and do whatever he would like“.

In your first post you shared: “things that he used to say to me before now make me feel ill“.  In your second post, you detailed some of the things he said/ texted to you (at times, I will adjust pronouns):

(1) I have no hope for our relationship, and I feel like maybe breaking up with you (said “out of nowhere” followed later by him talking to you “like normal”). When you brought up to him that you were “upset and a little shook” by what he said. He said: sorry (“and moved on”).

(2) In regard to a girl he met at his university: “always talking about her, and things that she and him would do together, situations of her flirting with him and him being clueless and things that happened… things he helped her with and things he did for her“. After listening to a lot of such talk, you brought your concern to him, and he said: you always felt off when I spoke about her. You said: “Well how am I supposed to react to you telling me all about this other girl who doesn’t even know you have a girlfriend?”

(3) While he attended a Christmas party, he texted you in regard to the girl: “Some guys just came up and asked me if me and ——— were dating”. You didn’t answer the text for five minutes, and his response: he sent you multiple texts and rang you, “crying and apologising profusely to me over what he had said“.

(4) Most recently, “he brought up this dream he had a few months back where in the dream I hadn’t been replying to his texts… mumbling and leaving silence between his words but with the bits I heard it was like he was blaming me. Afterwards he just went on like nothing happened“. Next, “he brought up coming to see me… like nothing had happened“.

From what you shared he is in the habit of apologizing compulsively, quick to say “sorry” “for everything so that habit made his warranted apologies less sincere…  no matter what I always accept his apologies even though I think some of his apologies come with him not even knowing what he’s apologising for”.

These are my closing thoughts: I think that it will be best for you to (1) see a psychotherapist if it is possible for you, so that she/ he helps you with the fear and guilt involved with the next thing I suggest that you do, (2) break up with him.

You have your own mental health challenges, and your LD boyfriend has his own. It is possible for two people to help each other and be better for it, individually and together. But in this case, his impulsivity and severe carelessness are harming you. By impulsivity, I mean that he says whatever comes to his mind without thinking how it would affect you, and by severe carelessness, I am referring to him talking about the other girl: it’s not that he happened to say one thing about her at one time- he went on and on about her and did so repeatedly, on different occasions. This is not… normal carelessness. It is severe carelessness, and such would harm any woman who’d be in a relationship with him.

On one hand, he talks impulsively and apologizes compulsively, on the other hand, he gets stuck, going “very quiet and talks in very split sentences… mumbling and leaving silence between his words” – of course, he needs psychotherapy too, but like I said, the two of you do not work like a team, benefiting each other. He is harming you, being impulsive and careless. You are very careful to not hurt him, to not make him feel guilty, etc., but you can’t help him because he needs professional help.

You shared that you are “like an observer” in your life, that you don’t make the choices that you want to make. I figure it’s your fear/ anxiety that keeps you from being a participant in your own life, making the choices that you want to make, choices that are right for you. This is something for you to work on in quality psychotherapy: to shift from an observant to a participant.

Also, quality therapy should help you so that in the future, you will be able to choose the right guy for you: one with whom you can work as a team of two equals, for the benefit of the two.

This is not psychotherapy, and I am not a psychotherapist, but you are welcome to post again anytime, and we can continue our conversation.

anita

Dear Ada:

It’s fine that you posted this update. I think that this long-distance breakup is a good choice and the fact that you’ve been obsessing about him is not evidence that it was the wrong choice. The question is why are you obsessing about him: (1) Is it that you are in the habit of obsessing in general, in regard to a variety of topics and people, past or present? (2) Is it that you are bored with your daily life, lacking purpose, meaning, a daily routine, socialization? Any other reason?

anita

Dear Anita

I am an obsessive person i’m always hyper fixated on something whatever type of media or actor it may be but i haven’t experienced this happening with someone i interact with on a daily basis. This obsession is not a healthy one, i think it is toxic and out of jealousy.  A little part of me wants him all to myself, i want to be with him but i know that i should give it some time before even imagining being together with him again. I feel like I’m fighting with myself constantly. I am lacking everything, nothing feels right I used to talk with him constantly. I feel alone, he was really the only person i talked 1 to 1 with about everything on the daily basis a i think i’m just missing that right about now

Dear Ada:

“I am an obsessive person I’m always hyper fixated on something whatever type of media or actor it may be, but I haven’t experienced this happening with someone I interact with on a daily basis” – your obsessiveness (possibly OCD) moved from one area (media, actors) to the area of a relationship.

“Nothing feels right“, you wrote in your recent post to me.

The International OCD Foundation (iocdf. org) has a pdf on the matter, titled “‘Just Right’ OCD Symptoms“, it reads: “‘Just right’ obsessions are thoughts and/or feelings that something is not quite right or that something is incomplete. For example, a ‘Just Right’ obsession would be a person feeling that their hands are not quite clean when washing them. An example of a ‘Just Right’ compulsion is a person washing their hands until the sense of ‘incompleteness’ goes away”. Another example: “A person might need to express himself/herself ‘precisely’ in written or spoken words (even in his/her own head) – ‘working through’ wording until it meets their own standards of being ‘just right’” –

– do you relate to any of the above, not necessarily to the example of washing hands, but…  for example, when you recently “check his likes and posts on multiple social media“, do you keep checking until you get a relief from the feeling of “nothing feels right“?

In your earlier posts you wrote that you’ve “been overthinking it a lot“, that you’ve been obsessed with this man for 11 months (“The man I was genuinely obsessed with for all 11 months now… extremely obsessed with him“). After you broke up with him, you found yourself “struck with obsessive thoughts and actions. I can’t stop thinking about what is he doing? Is he even upset? even going so far to check his likes and posts on multiple different social media” – obsessed with him during the 11 months of the relationship, obsessed with him after the breakup, obsessed in general (“I am an obsessive person I’m always hyper fixated on something“), possibly OCD?

In your previous posts you argued with yourself: “But I love him I know I do but I just can’t convince myself of it anymore”, and in your recent post, you shared: “I feel like I’m fighting with myself constantly” – OCD involves a lot of fighting within oneself, no peace of mind, I know it because I suffered from OCD for any years.

Do you think you may suffer from OCD?

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Angelina:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation! You shared that a year ago (March 2021), you moved in with a male friend, a man you didn’t know well, but he appeared to be “kind and seemed safe to be around“. Your purpose in moving in with him was to save money (to pay less rent), and for him to help you build your own van to travel in.

Two months in (May 2021), you became “better friends” and he asked you for a date. Shortly after, you became “official“, and within 6 months of moving in with him (September 2021), you were “a very serious couple“. 9 months in (December 2021), you were “a housewife with a promise ring and we added a second dog to the family“, and as these things happened, you forgot about your plan to travel in a van.

Before Dec 2021: “this man was everything I ever wanted… We had so many of the same dreams and the same morals in common. We both loved dogs. It was so perfect… I saw him as my future husband, the father of my kids“,

Dec 2021=> mid-February 2022: “Suddenly, or that’s how it seemed, I started losing interest sexually…  I noticed myself becoming attracted to (a coworker) and would fantasize about him. Even though I love my boyfriend…  ended up having a brief sexting relationship. It happened twice… Now I have completely withdrawn emotionally and even more so sexually“.

Mid-Feb=> March 31, 2022 (today): “For the last 6 weeks, I have felt nothing for my boyfriend, I can’t even bring myself to say I love you. I don’t miss him, I don’t want to touch him, I want to be alone all the time now… I stayed with my family for a week… (with) a friend for another week. And throughout everything I never missed him… when I came back, I felt like a totally different person”

“Why? How? My boyfriend deserves better… how can this happen?… We would have been so good together. He loves every part of me, every dark corner. That’s rare. How could I stray away so far“? –

– You wrote that he loves every part of you, every dark corner. I have this image in my mind: his love is like beams of light shining light into your dark corners where old hurts and fears sleep. His light awakened your old hurts and fears, and as a result, you felt them again. Hurt and scared all over again (perhaps for just a moment), instinctively and automatically (without noticing, thinking or planning), you closed the door on him so that his light does not reach your dark corners anymore, and old hurts and fears can sleep again. What do you think/ feel about this image?

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by .

Hi Dani!

My first thought is that your partner is abusive. How he is treating you is very wrong and it’s nothing to do with his depression. Depressed people don’t inherently perform these behaviours, it is not a symptom. Please don’t tolerate this kind of behaviour out of empathy.

You’re right. The truth is that people don’t just stop loving each other overnight.

To me, it seems like he has been trying to break up with you for a while but he has been a coward because he likes the comfort you provide. You deserve better! I’m so sorry he’s said all of these hurtful things and has been treating you in this way.

Me and my boyfriend met in college. We have been dating for almost 8 months now, for the past 8 months we have been in just a wonderful place, never having one bad day with each other. We live in two different states for the summer so he decided he wanted to take a week and come visit me. During the week he was visiting I was supposed to show him around my hometown and where I grew up. He said he has never been the best fyler, and has always been anxious about flying. Unfortunately his first flight got delayed, so he couldn’t make his connecting flight, so then he fully cancelled that flight and got a new one. The new one, after sitting on the plane at the gate for 40 minutes, that flight got cancelled. He then proceeded  to wait in line for about 4 hrs to book a new flight. That day he was at the airport for about almost 12 hrs. He then got a new flight for Sunday morning and nothing went wrong with that flight. I picked him up when he got to the airport and he was ecstatic to see me. Monday, the next day, he woke up feeling achy and tired. We got breakfast and toured my town in the morning. When we got home that afternoon, we wanted to make sure it wasn’t covid because I had grandparents here, that probably wouldn’t do well if they got covid, he ended up testing himself and the test came up positive. I tested myself and was negative. He ended up quarantining in my room. I would visit him and sit with him with a mask on, I would bring him food and drinks when needed. He was upset that we couldn’t do anything we planned. Tuesday, I said to him, let’s go to the beach, let’s go take a walk and get some fresh air. So we went to the beach, walked around, skipped rocks, held hands, without masks. He seemed happy. We get back into the car and he says “can you take me back, I’m having these thoughts about us and am getting anxious.” So I took him back to my house, he proceeded to go right upstairs to my room, and shortly after when I went to go check on him, he was having a panic attack. He was shaking, couldn’t catch his breath, and ended up trying to throw up. He kept wanting to be left alone and he wouldn’t eat, he kept saying I just want to go home. Unfortunately because he had covid, and flights kept getting cancelled we had a really hard time trying to get him home. I woke up Wednesday morning feeling sick, I tested positive for covid that day. My boyfriend that day kept feeling really anxious and panicky and couldn’t seem to calm down so he just wanted to be alone. At one point during the day, he came to me and said “I know this is freaking you out, I have these thoughts, that I don’t like about us breaking up, but we are okay.” That night I talked to him and asked “Do you want to break up?” He bursts out into tears and says “I think I am falling out of love with you but I don’t want to be.” “I love us and I never wanted to break your heart.” I asked him when he started thinking that he is falling out of love with me. He responded “After I tested positive for covid.”  He then proceeds to say “I feel empty, nothing feels good right now, and my brain doesn’t feel like my own.” “I want to feel normal again.” We finally were able to get a flight home for him Thursday morning. We were five minutes away from the airport when we got a text saying “your flight is cancelled.” He starts to sob and say “I want to break up,” but then quickly goes “no, idk I don’t know what I want.” He ended up getting on the flight and leaving that afternoon. When he left we both sobbed in each other’s arms. He kept saying “I want to go back to normal, this is unfair, and it sucks, I wish things were different.”  Since then we have been talking but it is just different. I am confused on what to think, and how someone’s feelings could change in a matter of an hour, or even a few hours. Everyone that knows us as a couple said “he will never break your heart, he is so in love with you.” Is he just going through a depression episode and those feelings will come back? He can’t say he likes me or even loves me, but he does say he misses me, and us, and that he cares about me, and that I mean a lot to him still. He says he still only wants me but not right now.  I don’t know what to do or what to think. Should I have hope that his feelings will come back? He starts therapy soon.

How are you, kaia, and how is your boyfriend?

anita