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I want to be normal

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  • #392793
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    I am not expecting you to say something that will immediately help me drop the disgust and fall in love with myself” – if only I had such power, no one does. It is possible though for you to form the intent to love yourself, as in thinking and treating yourself with love. Similar to if you were a mother of a young girl, forming the intent to treat her in loving ways, in the words you utter and actions you take.

    I’ve never had a boyfriend…. For me it feels like I am being realistic with my assessment when I think about finding love” (Feb 14 & 15, 2022)

    I have never been in a relationship” (March 3, 2019).

    No boyfriend ever, no relationship ever… so, assessing your chances of finding love is like you never having stepped into the cold water of the ocean on a very hot day, yet you assess your chances of finding pleasure in feeling the cold water against your body and the weightless feeling of going up and down with the waves.

    I am being unusually brave, but I believe I can follow through because I have maintained my schedule in terms of diet and exercise. I am going to move out of my parents’ home and move to a new city where I will try dating… I don’t like this sulky version of myself. So, I am going to be positive and just have fun with it” –

    – (1) Congratulations for having maintained your schedule in terms of diet and exercise!

    (2) I hope that you maintain this brave, positive attitude through the ups and downs. You will have to manage and overcome an attitude you held for so long, such as you described back in March 2019: “I am powerless, people are too strong, harsh even cruel. No one stops to see where another is coming from. So, I am stuck being down and weak while everyone else bombards me with their expectations“.

    I have no expectations of you moving out of your parents’ home, etc. I wish you would, but I don’t expect that you will. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Again, Yoda’s profound words come to my mind: “Do or do not, there is no try”.

    anita

    #392810
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I need to form the intent to love myself. I guess what happens is every once in a while I read or hear someone say “the good ones will be gone” in terms of men, and it triggers this spiral.

    You are right, I’ve never had a boyfriend, but just being told on several occasions that I am not good looking has put my hopes down. I am bringing them back up now.

    This time, the expectations are mine so I don’t feel the way I did many years ago.

    I am so scared. I am about to throw my life into a washing machine. So scared! I am oscillating between fear of failure and delusion of how amazing it will be when I meet my guy. I need to balance this out. I mainly plan on having fun by myself and dating in between instead of solely focusing on the latter so as to not pin my happiness on just finding a guy. I need to be realistic and enjoy my life at that moment.

    I know Yoda is from Star Wars but haven’t watched it.

    Girija

    #392811
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    I am just about to turn the computer off and go to bed, it is Tuesday 9:25 pm here, and Wed 10:55 am your time. You wrote that you are scared. I am scared too. Is there anyone who is not scared? There is NO way to make this life safe, no way at all.

    I know that you, Girija, can experience love, and a sense of victory over your fears. This can make all the difference for you, just to EXPERIENCE something new, for a while. Don’t mind my comments about Yoda and Star Wars, except for the message that you Do or you Do Not.

    Do, is what I suggest, make something of this life be a Win for you, something that elevates, excites, creates hope, a desire to make today something that it wasn’t yesterday.

    anita

    #392813
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    You are right. Fear is normal. I need to get comfortable with it. There are so many things coming up, now that I have set a goal for myself. I wish this was easy. I definitely want to feel a sense of victory and not feel like I settled out for fear.

    Good night!

    Girija

    #392817
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    Good to read your brave message first thing this Wednesday morning! And good evening to you!

    anita

    #392818
    samy
    Participant

    Thanks, anita.

    #392819
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Girija, and thank you for being brave, it makes me feel good!

    anita

    #392823
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Don’t thank me yet. I hope to actually achieve that goal to test my bravery. There is some uncomfortable things I want to resolve to move forward towards the goal.

    Would it be ok to do the bare minimum in some cases. I am talking about work. Since, I have set a deadline, I will need to allocate more time to preparing for interviews and we are not paid by hours. I know what I am getting paid for, but there are no hard and fast rules on who does what work. I am expected to delegate to juniors but in trying to not do what my seniors did to me, I tend to be extra helpful and give away my time. And I have been given a new project and I don’t want to stress over the details too much. I feel like I gave away a lot of my time and energy to this company until now so it is ok for me to lower it in terms of priority and put myself first which I haven’t done in those years. It is not in my nature to completely slack off or be clueless about a project but I now want to reduce the extra work I did which was always taken for granted. It may seem odd that I’ve typed so much out for this, but as you know I have a fear of being treated as incompetent and also being disliked by people, and it is likely that they are stopping me from making this decision. So I wanted to run it by you. Does it make sense to deprioritize work? There is nothing set in stone on what overperforming or underperforming looks like. I will do as I am told to do. All these years I felt small when someone had to ask me to do something. I want to embrace that. Does that make sense?

    This would give me time and help me shift my energy away from work. Focussing on work depleted me of so much. I want to take some of it back. And I am ready to reframe if it feels like this will have negative consequences. But for now, this is what I want to do. It is too many things to worry about otherwise.

    Health and love is what I want to focus on.

    Girija

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by samy.
    • This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by samy.
    #392826
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    Don’t thank me yet. I hope to actually achieve that goal to test my bravery” – I am very well aware of how difficult it is to persist being brave, to persevere. My thanking you was for just that moment when you expressed bravery, as it did make me feel good!

    Would it be ok to do the bare minimum…  to reduce the extra work… as you know I have a fear of being treated as incompetent and also being disliked by people… So, I wanted to run it by you. Does it make sense to deprioritize work?… Focusing on work depleted me of so much…. Health and love are what I want to focus on” –

    – yes, it would be okay, better than okay, highly recommended that you prioritize your health, and part of your health is (as the song says) to love and be loved in return. You will need bravery to carry you through the many moments when you will again, and again, feel the fear of being disliked and being treated as incompetent.

    Notice this: your fear survived all the work that you put in for the company. You were depleted by all the work you did… but your fear was not depleted. No reason to think that more extra work will take that fear away!

    anita

    #392827
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    My thanking you was for just that moment when you expressed bravery, as it did make me feel good! – I am glad it made you feel good 🙂

    health is (as the song says) to love and be loved in return. – this is so true. It’s very evident in kids when they are treated well. Their energy is just different. I’d imagine it’s the same for us.

    I do need to be brave against my fear. I think I need to become shameless. It is used as an insult. But, that would be the temporary substitute when I lack actual bravery to rationalize and justify  putting myself first.

    Notice this: your fear survived all the work that you put in for the company. This is so incredibly profound. Thank you for this. Fear cannot be placated. It just gets its way and fades into the background but will always come forth. Like it wants to ensure it still controls my mind. I will have to employ all the tools and practices we’ve discussed here – breathing, stretching, asking questions.

    You were depleted by all the work you did… but your fear was not depleted. No reason to think that more extra work will take that fear away! I think I need to become shameless first, and that will help me become fearless. There are people in my extended family that are so unafraid of consequences. I will let go of consequences for once. Or rather trying to predict what they would be and fearing them.

    Girija

    #392828
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    It’s very evident in kids when they are treated well. Their energy is just different. I’d imagine it’s the same for us” – being treated with love energizes and expands a person; being treated without love depletes and shrinks a person.

    I do need to be brave against my fear. I think I need to become shameless” – in this context, please be shameless, it’s the best way for you to move forward!

    Fear cannot be placated. It just gets its way and fades into the background but will always come forth” – very well said.

    “(the word) Shameless… is used as an insult… it (fear) wants to ensure it still controls my mind“- often when people insult us by calling us shameless, it is because they believe that fear should control us, either because they themselves want to control us, or because they believe that if we are afraid, we’ll be better protected.

    * A dog question, which dog is better protected: one who is always on its back, in position of submission to any and all potential aggressors, whimpering, or a dog that barks from time to time?

    “I think I need to become shameless first, and that will help me become fearless” – shameless, fearless Girija, I like the sound of it (I just said it out loud)!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #392830
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    being treated with love energizes and expands a person; being treated without love depletes and shrinks a person. – yes!

    often when people insult us by calling us shameless, it is because they believe that fear should control us, either because they themselves want to control us, or because they believe that if we are afraid, we’ll be better protected. this has been the backbone of my culture itself. We’re so afraid of being shunned by society and that others know best, as though anyone could truly prescribe a set of actions that guarantees your happiness. A big reason for me hesitating to find love on my own has been the fear that maybe the elders are right. When I know they are miserable themselves.

    A dog that barks from time to time and shows its teeth to let you know it can bite at any time if you cross it is better protected. I’ll channel that.

    So shamelessness it is. Tomorrow marks the first day of shameless Girija. I’ll be blatantly shameless. Will report back on how it goes. No extra effort. No double checking. No thinking for others. No worrying if I am doing everything I am expected to do. I will do as I am told. Bare minimum Girija.

    Sounds silly but fun 🙂

    Girija

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by samy.
    #392835
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    So, shamelessness it is. Tomorrow marks the first day of shameless Girija. I’ll be blatantly shameless. Will report back on how it goes. No extra effort. No double checking. No thinking for others. No worrying if I am doing everything I am expected to do. I will do as I am told. Bare minimum Girija. Sounds silly but fun” –

    – When it gets difficult, refocus on the fun part. At times it may help you to think of yourself as an actress who is playing the main role in her own movie. Imagine yourself in the center of your own life, this is how it should be! It is almost midnight, your time. Good night Girija, and when you wake up in the morning and read this, I say: good morning, blatantly shameless Girija!

    anita

    #392888
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I will let you know how it goes 🙂 Fun and shameless will be the name of the movie 🙂 Good night!

    Girija

    #392902
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    Good morning/ evening, Producer and Star of Fun and Shameless! Neither Rome, nor Bangalore, was built, or produced in one day, so please be patient regarding the production of your movie and persevere, do not give up!

    anita

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