February 14, 2022 at 7:02 am #392726
A week ago (Feb 7), your plan was to tell this one guy what you are looking for, to give him time to let you know what he wants, and to let him know that you need time to get to know him, see if he is good with that. What happened to that plan?
anitaFebruary 14, 2022 at 7:19 am #392728
I spoke to him twice. The first time it went okay, we were both a little awkward but since our work is similar, we were able to share a lot of stories. But what I didn’t like was he asked me questions on what I was looking for and what I did not like but when I asked him the same, he said he had no expectations. I spoke to him 2 days after that, he said he only had one thing to clarify which was that he is very attached to his parents, so he doesn’t see himself moving abroad. I am okay with not moving abroad, but I wasn’t keen on how he mostly spoke about his parents and did not have much to say about what we would be. So I said no. I don’t want my life to revolve around elders anymore and I explained it to him as my wanting to take care of both of our parents but prioritizing my spouse first and wanting to be best friends with him. It was my way of telling him that a traditional marriage wouldn’t work for me. He didn’t have much to say to that. It kept going back to his parents. I could tell he didn’t put much thought into what he wanted and was ready to go ahead as long as I was okay with all the “conditions” he had. He will find someone who can centre her life around his parents. But, I can’t be that person anymore. And I want someone who recognizes that a couple needs privacy and also like me, wants to build a personal relationship together. I don’t want to be comrades, if that makes sense.
GirijaFebruary 14, 2022 at 7:51 am #392731
I can picture your online dating profile introduction reading something like: if you are my guy, I would want you and I to be each other’s best friend and prioritize each other over the elders in our lives. I am okay with taking care of our parents, but I don’t want my life to revolve around parents, not anymore. I want us to have our privacy and build a close relationship together. I suppose I am not seeking a traditional marriage, but if you are not a very traditional guy, then I am your girl!
Are you ready to put together a Fair, Forceful, Fierce, authentically-Girija Introduction to your dating profile?
anitaFebruary 14, 2022 at 8:06 am #392732
My latest emotional outburst is because of this. I am not too hopeful about guys through this arranged marriage process. But I don’t trust online dating. I can think I want a non-traditional guy but if I put in words it will bring the wrong type of guys. Online dating itself is complicated. Most men want to hook up and then marry someone their family finds for them. I am somehow not motivated to take those chances, especially knowing where I stand in the pool. So, I’m frustrated. This process is not honest. And I don’t have the confidence to put myself out there when the chances are so low. It will take away a lot of my energy, I don’t think I will succeed and I don’t have the time to take it slow. I am already considered on the older side for marriage. I am disappointed that I won’t get better than a traditional marriage and that upsets me. I think I’ve been set up to fail because had I known when I was younger, I would have focussed more on myself and not my family and the fear that we may end up on the streets.
GirijaFebruary 14, 2022 at 8:24 am #392733
“I can think I want a non-traditional guy but if I put in words, it will bring the wrong type of guys” – don’t worry about the wrong type of guys, you only need ONE guy of the right type.
“Online dating itself is complicated… This process is not honest” – simplify it, make it simple and honest.
“Most men want to hook up and then marry someone their family finds for them” – I believe you, but again, you are not looking for most guys, you are looking for just ONE guy who will be different!
“I don’t think I will succeed” – not with this attitude!
“I think I’ve been set up to fail because had I known when I was younger, I would have focused more on myself and not my family and the fear that we may end up on the streets” – It is late but not too late to refocus, but first, you will first have to mourn lost time and life and release the anger and frustration about this loss, anger and frustration that is heavy and keeping you at a standstill.
anitaFebruary 14, 2022 at 8:41 am #392734
I understand what you mean by I just need to find the ONE guy so I shouldn’t worry about most guys. I think I have this fear that the ONE guy will hurt me? That it might turn out wrong. Firstly there is the fear of failure but also fear of success. What if what I think is right for me is wrong. The fear of failure is greater though. I am afraid I will be completely broken if I get confirmation of my fears that I am not likeable or loveable.
I do need to mourn. I think I am. Not just the past but also the future. I know you say I need to change my attitude. But this is more evidence based and that added with the odds – it feels like it’s over. I am sorry for being so negative.
GirijaFebruary 14, 2022 at 9:01 am #392736
“I think I have this fear that the ONE guy will hurt me?” – yes, but you are already hurting: we tend to be afraid of getting hurt in the same place where we are already hurting. It’s like having a foot that hurts, and not realizing that it is hurting, we are afraid that it will get hurt.
“This fear… that it might turn out wrong” – it (much of your life) already turned out wrong. It’s the same thing: we tend to be afraid that what already happened will happen.
“Firstly, there is the fear of failure but also fear of success… The fear… my fears” – you can’t think usefully or productively with so much fear. Too much fear leads to useless overthinking.
“I do need to mourn. I think I am. Not just the past but also the future” – start with mourning the past only, see how that goes and where it leads.
“I know you say I need to change my attitude… it feels like it’s over. I am sorry for being so negative” – that’s where fear-based overthinking gets you. You are a very intelligent young woman, but fear messes with your intelligence. It’s nothing personal, that’s what fear does when it’s ongoing.
anitaFebruary 14, 2022 at 9:32 am #392737
You’re right. I am hurting. And also I took some time to think about this. I am disgusted by myself. Maybe it is from an imagined male perspective I have internalized and not really my true opinion. But my body is disgusting. And my life is filled with problems. I am not an interesting person. These are the thoughts I have. I think I’ve rejected myself.
I wonder how that works. Afraid something that is already happening will happen. It reminded me of a Telugu( my mother tongue) movie scene. It is supposed to be funny but preachy too – The hero slaps the comedian and says, “I’ll make you ask for more slaps”. The comedian says, “there’s no way I’ll ask, since it hurts”. The hero then takes out his belt and the comedian goes, “ok let’s go back to the slaps”. It sounds violent but wasn’t potrayed as such. Point being you will sometimes live with the pain you have as trying to remove it may bring more pain.
My life is wrong. But if I go somewhere to correct it, will it turn worse? I don’t know if this thinking is why I am struggling or if it is just self loathing. Or just knowing men won’t like me. I don’t know. But what you said made me recall this scene.
I will mourn the past for now. I am a fearful person. But I don’t know if it is just fear that is holding me back. How do you fight fear? Exposure therapy in this case is too intense for me. I can’t put myself out there completely for love yet.
GirijaFebruary 14, 2022 at 10:13 am #392739
I said that you are already hurting, you agreed and recalled this scene from a movie: “The hero slaps the comedian and says, ‘I’ll make you ask for more slaps’. The comedian says, ‘there’s no way I’ll ask, since it hurts’. The hero then takes out his belt and the comedian goes, ‘ok let’s go back to the slaps” –
– all the comedian needed to do to avoid being slapped or hit with a belt was to walk away from the man who slapped him, instead of entering a conversation with him and negotiating the lesser evil.
“My life is wrong. But if I go somewhere to correct it, will it turn worse?“- if the comedian asked you this question, would your answer be: If you go elsewhere so to correct your physical abuse situation, someone may hit you with a big rock, so better you stay just where you are and get hit with a belt. Maybe that nice man with the belt will be nice to you and agree to only slap you?
anitaFebruary 14, 2022 at 11:25 am #392744
The part about not negotiating and walking away requires that you first believe that’s an option. I was opining that perhaps when you see life as only pain, you’ll settle for familiar pain and not consider that there might be a future that is painfree. I would love to know why you think we are fearful of something that has already happened.
And I would absolutely walk away from pain that I can walk away from. Things like illnesses though had convinced me in the past that life itself is pain. Pain you can’t run away from.
February 14, 2022 at 11:50 am #392747
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by samy.
“I was opining that perhaps when you see life as only pain, you’ll settle for familiar pain and not consider that there might be a future that is pain-free… life itself is pain. Pain you can’t run away from” – I agree, life is not pain-free, there is no such option. But there is no point in not preventing unnecessary pain whenever possible, and in not taking breaks from pain, whenever possible, and the longer the breaks we can take, the better.
“I would love to know why you think we are fearful of something that has already happened” – because following a painful experience an association in our brain is formed between X (source of pain) and Y (a particular pain). This neural/ chemical association gets reactivated and re-experienced again and again.
We imagine that more of Y is right around the corner, in the near future, but in Y is happening in our brain/ body (present tense) while we are imagining the future, via neurotransmitters, hormones, and such.
anitaFebruary 14, 2022 at 7:19 pm #392763
I understand taking a break or preventing unneccesary pain. But I don’t know what that is in my life.
Correct me if I am wrong. But since I feel rejected by most people in my life now, I think I’ll be rejected in the future? Hurt works too in place of reject. Isn’t that just going off of life experience though? Like when I touched fire, it hurt. So, if I touch fire again, it will hurt again?
GirijaFebruary 14, 2022 at 7:38 pm #392764
“Correct me if I am wrong. But since I feel rejected by most people in my life now, I think I’ll be rejected in the future?” –
Corrected: since you feel rejected by YOURSELF, you think you’ll be rejected in the future by everyone.
You wrote earlier today: “I am disgusted by myself… my body is disgusting… I think I’ve rejected myself” – see, it is YOU rejecting yourself
What can I say to make you stop rejecting yourself and start accepting yourself? Nothing. Is there anything you can say to yourself to make yourself stop rejecting you?
Maybe you can aim at considering that maybe, just maybe… maybe you are not disgusting? I mean, it’s disgusting to call yourself disgusting, isn’t it.
anitaFebruary 14, 2022 at 9:22 pm #392765
Ok. I stand corrected.
I am not expecting you to say something that will immediately help me drop the disgust and fall in love with myself. That would be wrong of me.
As for what I can say to myself. I don’t know, I am more than fine with myself in a vacuum. It is when I think about guys that there is this rejection. Otherwise, I do respect myself. For me it feels like I am being realistic with my assessment when I think about finding love.
GirijaFebruary 15, 2022 at 8:41 am #392787
There is a message above this one I wrote to you and I’ve thought about it before you could reply. I am being unusually brave but I believe I can follow through because I have maintained my schedule in terms of diet and exercise.
I am going to move out of my parents’ home and move to a new city where I will try dating. I am giving myself some time to prepare for a job and work some more on my appearance. My birthday is in June. That’s the target. I am going to go for it. I’ll take rejection if it happens, but I want to try and not regret it. I don’t like this sulky version of myself. So I am going to be positive and just have fun with it.