My last post was from 24th July. It feels like more time has passed in these two months, I guess. I went back to my hometown to visit my dad, had a mental breakdown there, then stayed at my stepdad’s empty house and I had fun for three days. I even accidentally had a fling with an old friend whom I lost interest in very quickly. And then somebody else wanted to flirt and I wasn’t interested again. When I’m able to reject, when I can understand whether or not I’m interested, this gives me a bit of power since normally I consider myself as someone who cannot choose. I realized again, that I can choose. I’m not proud of this story but this continues with another flirtation. An old friend whom I recently started to have conversations with opened up to me, saying he was into me. And since it made me feel nice and I liked talking with him, I started seeing him. I’m just realizing that it all happened so fast, and it has been two months since we first met after he opened up.

So, again, no empty space for myself alone. I won’t be blaming myself for this, but I have to admit that this might be a problem for me. However, when I’m interested in someone, should I ignore that? I don’t think so. I’ll have more answers on this as I grow up. In these two months, I’ve had my sessions with my psychiatrist as well. Slow sessions, she is slowly getting to know me. She is way way behind you guys. And the reason why I let this flirt happen is that this boy actually started to give me some reasons to trust. However, it’s hard to believe someone. My guy is telling me that he’s very sincere. But after the things I’ve been through, and after my childhood, it’s very hard to believe something. I’ve even had some friends comment on this and I don’t think you would approve.

Someone from my circle said, “You’ll just have another relationship for one year and he’s gonna leave you at the end and you’ll suffer all over again. Don’t do this.” He said this without even knowing him or listening to me about what happened. It was a quick response to the fact that I was seeing somebody. I didn’t make the conversation longer and I just left it like that. Even though I know that I shouldn’t, it got to me. But I’m learning. I’m learning to choose for me, not for them.

For the first time in a while, I’ve experienced something. After fruitful conversations, there was silence and suddenly, there were no distractions for me. It wasn’t unfamiliar, I’ve had this a lot in my childhood. When my parents split up, I used to stay either in my hometown with my dad or in another city where my mom went to stay for a while with her brothers. In those months, or in that year, it’s a bit vague for me, I cried a lot. But it happened weirdly. When I have a distraction that would interest me, like a computer, for example, I was okay. When I was with a friend that can keep me interested, I was okay. But right when I lost my interest, right when I’m not focused on something that can distract me, I felt a deep longing I couldn’t stand but cry. When I was with my mother, she tried to comfort me by talking, as long as she could. I remember her feeling regretful. She was the one responsible for the splitting up, and I was there, crying. I have never had a deep connection with my dad but I used to miss him. It wasn’t even missing him, sometimes I did feel sorry for him. Because he made me feel that way. He manipulated us like this for years. I felt like we’ve left dad at home, alone, miserable even though he was the reason why this was all happening.

And when I’m back with my dad, since I cry mom had to send me back a couple of times, I felt even more miserable. I didn’t have anybody to talk. He used to find some people that have a child my age, and he used to make me meet him and then drop me on the way to his hobbies. I used to spend my day at other people’s houses and I tried to endure that. However, almost always, after some distraction hours with other people, I accidentally found a moment to feel like myself again and I started crying, first secretly and then resulting in them/parents finding me and trying to understand why I was like that. I’m guessing they would blame it on the splitting up and feel grateful since their child wouldn’t be like that. Then probably the parents used to call my dad and my dad would come and get me. He couldn’t make me meet with the same people again since it would’ve been rude. Since I did cry the last time, so maybe they would ask “why are you bringing this child to us”, right?

So, after those fruitful conversations with him, at that silence, I felt so miserable. I suddenly got back to those years. I wasn’t safe. I was feeling that weird, ugly feeling deep down. I don’t know if it was anxiety, I am not sure. But in those moments, I cannot help but cry and the most memorable feeling would be feeling unsafe. Since I did admit I was feeling unsafe and bad, he tried to support me and tried to understand. But I couldn’t tell him more. It was really hard. I know that I can tell more, in time, if he wants to listen. But these mental breakdowns make me feel so vulnerable that I miss the last person I was able to be comfortable crying in front of. It was my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes I just want to call him and ugly cry, and I know that he would try his best in terms of understanding and helping. I guess I was able to express how confused I am.