I will probably just do that. Thanks. Told her I am done talking about my depression to her, she does still live with her ex who gets really depressed he stops eating, bathing and brushing his teeth etc for days, up to weeks (except eating) and does not want him living on the streets which is where he would be if she just left him.

Until next time.

Me too. I’ll update you in like July or August. Thought of a new phone idea i’m going to run by her, but only if she wants and if once a month is what she wants then that’s cool too…i’ll phone her once a month for a few months, then once every 3 weeks, then every 2 weeks, then once a week but if I miss her i’ll text her letting her know and phone her on a day off the following week. I mean she always says call her any time I want so she must be down for talking at any time. I feel more comfortable once a month, that “anytime you want” part messes with my head, if I started calling her every day she probably wont want that but she says anytime I want which confuses me. Maybe like I can be out of touch for 2 years and randomly call her and she goes “who’s this?”. I know it means anytime I want but a simple thing like that kind of blows my mind into pieces, there obviously has to be some kind of boundary, saying call me once a week or something is much better for my sanity. I DON’T think she will want to talk to me every day lol, everyone needs their alone time to recharge. Hope she will go blading with me in Aprilish and we hang out before then, just want someone to be close with and someone that lets me know they are thinking of me (like she used to text me she was several times last year) and you share stuff about your lives with eachother and you can just be free. Also blading to a coffee place and then sitting down outside in the sun would be dope.

Also the stuff with her ex she does to help him out so he’s not on the streets I’m sure she would like to unload from, she sounded kinda annoyed she does this but does not want him on the streets, let her vent. When we hang out we talk about it and high 5 the good things, she also used to text me about it in the past.

Our friendship has come a long way since I started the thread. I thought I liked her but i’m sure I was just crushing on her because I was running away from lonliness. Been lonely for a LONG time, I can hide things really well. I still like her I think but the things we have been through the past 2 years is not worth risk never talking to her again,  I don’t think I could live with myself if I ever told her only for her to not wanna keep talking to me anymore. When we were the closest my feelings for her were gone and all I had was friendship feelings and after all this time talking about her in here and hanging out with her in person, talking on the phones, texting, I am pretty confident she does not have the same feelings for me. But talking to her makes me feel less sad.

Our last time talking when I told her about adding my pic to tinder, that microsecond she sounded EXTREMLY happy for me even though I told her I aint looking for anyone, but she told me you never know someone may just find you anyway and that she was not looking for a guy in her life right now but maybe a few years she may go looking and that any girl would be lucky to have me. I’m sure she knows I dig her after everything we have been through and always will, at least some part of me and I have told her in the past that I really like hanging out with her, hell I have even wrote her notes and read them off the paper infront of her so I don’t forget anything, sometimes she holds back from crying lol. We have held hands before, had our arms around eachother, flirted in friendly way just for some fun and I constantly get mixed signals but I just go with it, she’s just this friendly with me. I really don’t want to lose her in my life and I am perfectly ok just being friends. LOTS of girls out there and I still do my flirting, not as much this year though. She likes to hang out with me, she also wants to stay in touch with me and wants me to come to events with her. Also recently told me she may be down for roller blading in the spring, has disproval in her tone when I invite her to things that are 3-4 months down the road and says that’s too long away (she wants to do them sooner). She wants friends in her life, she has a career and spends a lot of time around family and helping her ex boyfriend who’s been living with her for months.

I just want to grow this friendship and be close like we used to be. I am still unsure if I really dig her as much as I say or I am just insanely lonely and just want some close friendships which is why it’s better I don’t say anything to her because I don’t even know my true feelings, lately I have been crying myself to sleep because all of my problems and not being where I want to be. I am normally fine at work and talk/joke around, not always though. Sometimes I go  really quiet, I am not a quiet person but when I am I am really quiet and blame it on being tired, once I am alone and have to face my demons I feel done for and everyone is better off if I am not around. Sometimes I slip up and tell her how I am feeling, then I realize I need to back off and tell her I am sorry and wont talk about my depression anymore because my problems are not for a friend to help me through. I either have to want to help myself or keep going through this every day. She did her part, she helped me to the doctor where I came out of the closet and told him I was suicidal, took a while to get out with all the crying going on.

Quick question…was thinking of giving her an Xmas gift this year like that 1 year (her favourite gift, our mug we got her), going to try book an appointment at her work soon, then again just before Xmas and give her a gift she will hopefully love but I got no idea because we rarely talk and her phone is mostly used for her work now. So many times I wanna call her and talk but I don’t, even though she says call any time I want. I’ll call her in a week and a few days like I told her. Can’t be clingy, we are “sorta” friends, don’t hang out/talk on phone/text enough to be considered real friends in my eyes, which I am going to try changing and hopefully she does too because I aint getting any younger and need people to hang out with, as you get older people wish they had friendships but many don’t seem to put the effort into it as it’s all about family and career.

Took me 10 minutes staring at the send button asking if she has any open slots lmao. I’m still going to do my normal thing I do every year at my job where I give everyone I work with candy canes, it’s pretty much religion at this point.

Also no I did not ask her, I joked over a year ago saying I will call everyday when she told me I can call anytime I want, then and she said I can if I want and she will call me back if she’s able to. I figure I wont ask her the once a month, once every 3 weeks, once every 2 weeks, once a week thing as she will probably feel awkward, I’ll just say I will call 1 or 2 times a month as she has other things to do. I really should have done this earlier when we started calling eachother, now it seems like she has a ton of friends by looking at her facebook feed, but maybe she does not talk on the phone much and is looking to do that more, who knows I’ll ask her about that.

I’ll ask her about the phone calls when we talk next week hopefully. Doubt she talks on the phone much, will probably ask her if she likes to talk on the phone and how often she does it and if she is looking to talk on it more (if nobody calls her). I’m jealous of a guy I talk to at work who’s roomates with my old roomate, he sees her way more often then I do. He’s had 3 appointments at her work and sees her sometimes at the pool, while I get to hang out with her 2 times a year…now THAT makes me feel like shit, but they don’t text or talk on the phone. But I want her to call, she has 1 time in the past, other times it was me or her texting me to call her because she was needing someone to talk to. What I have noticed I always go back to is that summer we had, nothing else just that 1 summer. I miss us texting back and fourth a few times a week, got me through my morning, then the times we talked, when we hung out. I keep replaying it over and over and over again, I still read the texts on my old phone. But that was 2 years ago this summer and I guess we were close because what she was going through and needed a friend for a while, but now doesn’t.

I got an idea for a mug…how about one themed around her work? She’s now a massage therapist, so a mug with a picture of a woman giving someone  a massage and I can put “busy at work” on it or something and it can be her work mug.

But I really hope we hang out more then 2 times a year, especially after what she told me about having more time for people that mean a lot to her and how she was looking for a small group of close friends instead of just acquantances…why can’t I be part of that? after all we have been through together. I figure i’ll give it until summer time, if nothing has changed then i’ll stop phoning and messaging her and maybe reconnect some other time in our lives. I feel so bad every day just thinking about this and want it to go away, like I am not good enough and I WANT to be good enough and I can’t be honest with her about this because anytime I am honest about things in my life all that ever happens is I get yelled at and get treated like I am always in the wrong and I feel like garbage knowing I am always a f*ckup. This is probably also not something I should be sharing with her anyway.

I also think I think this way because I want a reason to finally end whatever it is we are, which I have no idea what this is so I try making her look like she hates me or does not like me so I can justify my thoughts and go “I was right all along”. I am such a toxic person just by reading this thread and what I think about in my head, I guess because of growing up and going through what I have and can’t move forward.