I’ll probably just end up going for coffee next week and messaging back early Feb. But what should I do? this is rather annoying.

Thanks but I messaged her I need to ask her something, just going to tell her if she wants to reconnect and if she does then maybe if I think about her in 10-20 years from now I’ll try reconnecting (which I most likely wont). But I need to “let her go”, it’s time. I’m sick of knowing I aint good enough, I mean October she told me point blank to my face she has more time for people that matter to her and that she wants me to come with her.

The thing is…I never invited her out anywhere either? UFC I go to once a month to a work buddies, she would not enjoy the company so I can’t invite her to that, which is all I do and I never told her any of the feelings I been going through about us, mostly because it was for myself and she didn’t need to know, only thing she knows is I had the best day of  my life with her when she took me to the doctors and we hung out after I broke down at the docs about being suicidal. As for my feelings? I feel fine I guess, wont know until after I talk to her.

How about I just say reconnect sometime when we are older? or sometime later. I really just want this to be done with.

She messaged me just now “I’ll call in later? just out right now.. :)”

Naw, it wont be very long. Not going to talk about much. Just ask if she wants to reconnect sometime in the future and if she asks why i’ll say goes back to Oct when we both said we wanted to hang out more, but not hung out at all and you were saying you now have more time for people that matter to you and I don’t feel like I really matter so I figure it’s time to go our seperate ways until maybe later. Also that I don’t wanna hang out 1-2 times a year, feels like so little can be done.

More texts.

Me: Ok, hopefully you wont hate me too much

Her: Oh ok? hmmmm

Her: I don’t think it’s possible to hate you Pat!

Well that was not what I planned in my head and we talked for 23 minutes mostly because I was so quiet this phone call. Felt REALLY awkward the whole conversation, only managed to talk about October when we both wanted to hang out together more often and she said she really hates using the word “busy” and said she does not mean to offend me or anything, told her I felt super uncomfortable to talk about the rest even though she told me to let go of what’s on my chest and told her it’s still really hard to open up, then said to visit her at her work and going for hikes and challenging eachother to get better, like her getting back into yoga every day, both of us eating better and me doing my training 2-3 days a week and keep eachother ontop of it. Also about her massaging and the medium she’s seeing tomorrow and that she does appreciate our friendship and thinks about me as she drinks coffee from the mugs I got her everyday, so I am always on her mind. I just could NOT get the “let’s reconnect another time” part out, she even mentioned I am super quiet. Also asked about if she wants to do monthly hikes? she said she will try but does not want to commit and cancel and hurt my feelings, but she will try even if it goes past a month like a month and a half. Also with the massaging, the phone calling and stuff she didn’t really think there was a problem and she does like to hang out with me, she’s not going “not Pat again”.

I feel ok today, my plan is to start back up on keto then get into the training a little after (Feb?). As for the phone calls part,  she was saying she did not think there was a problem with us because I was seeing her for some massaging, the phone calls we have (we talk a lot like 1 call every week or 2 which I don’t mind compared to before when we first started talking when I first got her number when it was once every month or 2), which is not every day like that 1 person that bugs her everyday calling even at 2AM. Told her I will text her Thursday with my schedule so we can plan a hike for next week. I’ll probably text her the whole “hate” thing was I was gonna ask her if she wanted to reconnect another time sometime and thought she would hate me for  asking because what it meant.

I’ll message back in a few weeks.