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My extreme feelings kill me

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  • #330059
    Gaia
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita, yeah it’s true, it’s a dynamic that stems from the one with the early caregivers so much time ago. However I’m not really repulsed by the people I’m drawn to, I’m repulsed by the ones who are not them. If anything, I can feel inappropriate rage and resentment and hurt when someone I like wouldn’t do shit for me but I’m not repulsed by them. I try to tell myself that these attractions are based on dynamics from my early years and that probably these people aren’t good for me but at the end of the day, the longing is still here, the hurt is still here and the lack of enthusiast for giving a chance to other people is still here + their text message I actually couldn’t care less about receiving, I know you don’t change your brain in a day but I guess today it’s just another of my blues days in which I feel melancholy and frustration</p>

    #330063
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I don’t understand. You wrote earlier: “I am really drawn by some people.. always want their physical affection.. while everyone else physical touch I just repulsive to me for no reason”-

    who are these people to whom you referred as “everyone else”?

    anita

     

    #330067
    Gaia
    Participant

    Literally everyone else who isn’t the person I like and want to be liked back by. Romantically/sexually

    #330073
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    So you are repulsed by guys you don’t like, those dudes you mentioned, who are “just meh”, you pretend that they are someone else while kissing them passionately. It is their physical touch that you find repulsive. You wrote, “their physical touch is just repulsive to me for no reason”- well, I see a reason: you don’t like them. You feel repulsed when you are kissing dudes you are not attracted to. This explanation makes sense, doesn’t it?

    anita

     

    #330087
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    When overwhelmed with “extreme feelings” (title of your thread), we can’t think clearly, so it is not really useful to try to  understand things.

    The thing to do when overwhelmed by emotional storms, or when having what you called this day, “another of my blues days in which I feel melancholy and frustration”, is to go outside if possible, take a short or long walk, have the cold December air refresh your tired brain, and when you are back home, you will feel better.

    If it is too cold or dark to go outside, do some exercise at home, twenty minutes of it, or so. Best to have a Daily Exercise Routine, it helps stabilize extreme feelings and/ or lift you up from melancholy and frustration.

    *Also, a hot bath is likely to help, warm milk perhaps, listening to music and allowing yourself to drift into relaxing/ feel-good fantasy for some time.

    anita

    #330319
    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita, today the awareness my of my craziness hit me more violently than usual. Another year is closing and I feel shitty always feeling crazy and like nothing is changing, I feel like I deserve some serious professional therapy + meds because my brain is just fried and it’s like I like it. I get morbid unspeakable thoughts and feelings that sometimes give me nauseating anxiety and others times I like, sometimes it’s both feelings,when I fall asleep I get vivid scenarios and images or I feel my face and consciousness split in multiple faces and voices, or get hit with other morbid content. Nights like these when my brain is too excited to simply fall asleep or relax I imagine myself having some epic breakdown or cry and imaginating myself in such vivid scenarios I literally cry in reality too then I lose the point of it all. . I say myself I’m done with this dude I like but then I imagine myself having a breakdown and he acknowledging it and tending to me, me vehemently arguing with him and then I start to have an epic cry like I do in this fantasy. It happened more than once, sometimes I imagine myself battling with some serious mental illness and looking/behave crazily and get acknowledged by someone. My brain never stops, sometimes I remember fake things or deja Vu, sometimes the stuff revealing myself as I fall asleep that are also about me getting crazy or splitting or even there acknowledging I have nonsensical thoughts are so vivid it blurs with reality. It’s like my brain is high or drunk all the time, how this madness stops

    #330337
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Sometimes psychiatric drugs are the answer, for a short while at the least. The brain is habitual, same operations tend to repeat, and when those habitual operations are maddening, drugs can stop those operations and what a relief that is!

    Years ago, I suffered a lot from obsessive thinking (OCD) and finally had the chance to see a psychiatrist who prescribed sertraline for me, it is one of a family of drugs called SSRI drugs. Like magic, that drug cut my obsessive thinking as if it was a pair of scissors, a great relief!

    If only I had effective psychotherapy at the time of that relief, I could have made great progress, because a combination of drugs and therapy was what I needed.

    You wrote: “I feel like I deserve some serious professional therapy + meds”- I agree. This is exactly what professional help means: drugs to relieve the overwhelming distress and once relieved, have psychotherapy.

    I am excited for you, that you arrived to this conclusion. I can’t wait to read from you that you did see a psychiatrist and that he or she prescribed (probably an SSRI) for you. It will be a hopeful and promising way to start the new year!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #330405
    Gaia
    Participant

    You know, it comes in waves. Yesterday night i typed that cause my excited druggy brain couldn’t sleep otherwise, but this morning I woke up relaxed and pretty much calm, I checked what I wrote yesterday night and as usual, a wave of cringiness and uncomfortableness hit me like it always does whenever I share what happens in myself, out of desperation. Now I’m here, still relaxed, waiting a bit dreadly the next time my mind and myself crumble in pieces (I literally feel like I need to keep myself glued and together, I literally feel my mind and my self crumbling in millions different directions)

    #330425
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    “as usual, a wave of cringiness and uncomfortableness hit me like it always does whenever I share what happens in myself, out of desperation“-

    – better if you share about what happens in yourself before you get desperate, it will keep you from becoming desperate. Do it here, share anytime, little things, anything.

    Nothing of what you ever shared here is outside the human experience, none of it is abnormal or weird, including “feeling crazy”, getting “morbid unspeakable thoughts and feelings”, not the feeling that your “face and consciousness split in multiple faces and voices”, and not your imagining yourself in “vivid scenarios.. having a breakdown.. battling some serious mental illness and looking/ behave crazily”.

    You are not abnormal, Gaia. Don’t be scared of your own brain’s feelings, thoughts and imaginings, as if your brain is some foreign entity. It is a human brain, like mine, like anyone’s . Stop being scared of it and you will feel better, make friends with it.

    “It comes in waves”- this is how brains operate, in waves.

    “waiting a bit dreadly the next time my mind and myself crumble in pieces.. crumbling in millions different directions”- like you suggested yesterday, see a doctor for maybe one of those SSRI drugs I mentioned to you, millions and millions of Americans are taking it this very day. I did for many years. It can help a whole lot, for now. But remember: befriend your own brain, don’t fear it, best you can. Don’t fear it and you will feel better.

    Post again anytime, today, tomorrow, any day. I want to read from you and I will reply every time.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by anita.
    #330615
    Gaia
    Participant

    Hi Anita how are you? I hope you had a good new year eve! I’ve made it an intention for this new year (and decade) to focus on my mental well-being and who knows, I hope I’ll be able to get some useful counselling soon before having to turn financially independent.

    #330619
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I am fine, thank you. It is a new year and a new decade, how exciting! I am so glad to read that you made it an intention for this new year and decade to focus on your mental well-being. Maybe counseling is available for you,  maybe through the university you are attending, or some community resource in your area.

    Also, remember that psychiatric drugs can help to lessen the distress you feel sometimes, and if you do find good counseling, those drugs can help you benefit from counseling.

    And please do post anytime. I want to read from you as often as you want to post here.

    Happy New Year!

    anita

    #332819
    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    First of all, how are you doing?

    Yesterday night this guy I’m getting to know tried to make things more romantic (hugs, kisses) but I couldn’t just hide my repulsion. Not that I don’t enjoy his company I do, but definitely only in a friendly way. By the way I was judged. Here another guy who spits at me how something like this never happened to him with other girls, he made me feel very bad with myself like I was sad miserable moodkiller only waiting to go home. I shared this bitterness with a friend of mine but she felt to take his side saying it’s understandable that he felt sorry that I basically killed the romantic mood so abruptly. I didn’t get that she understood me, or that he did, me myself I don’t know why I react in certain ways or why I do the things I do. I had the reason to wake up early for studying, for getting home early yesterday but I slept very long on this bitterness actually. I feel sorry that shit went wrong with him, he tries to act like nothing happened but honestly I didn’t like the way he made me feel at last. In myself I also kinda wanted to give him a sexual/romantic chance but then my body just couldn’t reciprocate, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I also wanted to avoid talking about this with my other friend cause I know that she’s going to find it strange how I never seem like giving a serious go to dudes, she just seems not to grasp the concept of not liking something enough to like his hugs or kisses and apparently, neither do him. He tried to get reasons out of me, out of my “strange” behavior but to be honest I can’t understand myself so I couldn’t give him reasons neither.

    #332909
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I am fine, thank you, a bit tired though.

    Clearly, you shouldn’t participate in a romantic or sexual activity with a person who repulses you. It is not and cannot make sense to do  otherwise, unless a person is forced through violence or one is dying from starvation and the only way to survive is to have sex with a particular person. Maybe. But otherwise, what is the sense behind enduring romantic or sexual activity with a person who repulses you, none that I can think of.

    You wrote about the guy: “He tried to get reasons out of me, out of my ‘strange’ behavior but to be honest I can’t understand it myself”-

    – is the strange behavior you are referring to (I am not sure about the following, but basing it on something you shared earlier) that you first encouraged the guy by kissing him passionately, and acting romantic/ sexual, but not because you felt it, but because you were pretending, and then you abruptly stopped because you couldn’t take pretending anymore?

    anita

     

    #332915
    Gaia
    Participant

    I really didn’t kiss him. He took me to his home to smoke even though I just wanted to go to my own home but anyway I went with it. I smoked with him and had a chat, we kinda had established a friendship to start with but I sensed that yesterday night he would have liked to try and see how I would have reacted to more intimacy, maybe. He kissed my cheek, then hugged me, I very abruptly ended the hug saying I had to go home and he didn’t take it very well. He insisted to drive me home though, although I said that he wasn’t forced to drive me home if he was not in the mood but he did it anyway. He didn’t really drive me home immediately, he took a longer ride to (how I saw it) scold me about how I was in such a hurry to go away, that I’m too set in my ways and basically he hated how I just abruptly ended his hug. To be honest I don’t feel like I owe him some kind of explanation or apologies, first of all I don’t owe him nothing to start with, second if I was him I’d just accept someone else not wanting to hug him, respect their boundaries and simply let them go, not faking politeness in driving them home only to subtly scold them in the meantime and trying to get explanations or reasons. However I felt like shit, especially when he said other girls didn’t react like this

    #332921
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Well, he was then totally in the wrong: you had every right to end that hug and go home. You didn’t owe him a hug or a kiss or any physical contact whatsoever, and you didn’t owe him an explanation as to why. He was wrong to scold you/complain to you about it, and your friend was wrong to take his side. I am sorry you had a negative experience that evening and night. You definitely don’t need more negative experiences in your life, you need positive experiences!

    “he said other girls didn’t react like this”- it is sad that some girls (and many do) go along having sex with men just so to avoid that scolding you mentioned, very sad. You did the right thing not reacting like that.

    I hope you feel better soon and I can’t wait to read about a positive social experience next. I wonder what it would be…

    anita

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