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My extreme feelings kill me

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Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 388 total)
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  • #332939
    Gaia
    Participant

    He says he doesn’t like to ever plan things so he said he wasn’t going to have sex or physical contact with me, he said that he only wanted to keep talking and that how I pulled out of the hug immediately was rude. To be honest, I don’t 100% buy that he wasn’t also considering physical intimacy, maybe I’m making wrong assumptions but when he got near my home he was definitely aiming at my lips to kiss me goodbye, when what I was doing was simply aiming for a cheek to cheek goodbye. I don’t know why I react like this. Around me people are not so picky with physical contact with members of the opposite sex, at least not people my age. I entertained the idea of giving him a go but I just can’t. Something in me is blocked. I know I come off as very picky or hard to catch

    #332941
    Gaia
    Participant

    He says he doesn’t like to ever plan things so he said he wasn’t going to have sex or physical contact with me, he said that he only wanted to keep talking and that how I pulled out of the hug immediately was rude. To be honest, I don’t 100% buy that he wasn’t also considering physical intimacy, maybe I’m making wrong assumptions but when he got near my home he was definitely aiming at my lips to kiss me goodbye, when what I was doing was simply aiming for a cheek to cheek goodbye. I don’t know why I react like this. Around me people are not so picky with physical contact with members of the opposite sex, at least not people my age. I entertained the idea of giving him a go but I just can’t. Something in me is blocked. I know I come off as very picky or hard to catch

    #332945
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I have to get away from the computer, so I will be able to read and reply to your recent posts (and anything you may want to add) when I return to the computer in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #333075
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    “I know I come off as very picky or hard to catch”- but Gaia, it is a good thing to be very picky when it comes to choosing a sexual/ romantic partner. Can you imagine how many sexually transmitted diseases people wouldn’t get if they were very picky? How many people wouldn’t get sick and die from such STDs as hepatitis C and aids? How many people wouldn’t become parents when they don’t want to?

    And how  many people, if they were very picky, would save themselves a whole lot of money and years, if they didn’t marry the wrong person?

    “he said that.. how I pulled out of the hug immediately was rude”- maybe it was rude of him to hug you without asking first: can I hug you?

    “he said that he wasn’t going to have sex or physical contact with me”- that’s a lie because he said  it after he already initiated a hug and kisses, and these are physical contact.

    “Around me people are not so picky with physical contact with members of the opposite sex, at least not people my age”- you don’t have to be like other people your age, you don’t have to follow their rules-of-conduct. It is okay for you to make your own rules.

    You are a special young woman, not like others, special in a good way, an attractive way. Here is a thought: maybe other people your age should  be more like you in some ways, than you being like them.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #333097
    Gaia
    Participant

    Here is a thought: maybe other people your age should  be more like you in some ways, than you being like them.

    I don’t know. I’m afraid that being like me prevent you from truly living or make you dwell too much in a comfort zone. Sometimes I have to push myself in going out or interacting with others.

    #333105
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    “Sometimes I have to push myself in going out or interacting with others”-

    – when you do, you display courage. Maybe other people your age should be more like you and display courage too. For example, it takes courage for a young woman to not go along with a guy and have sex with him just because he wants to, so that he doesn’t get angry if she doesn’t.

    anita

    #333111
    Gaia
    Participant

    For example, it takes courage for a young woman to not go along with a guy and have sex with him just because he wants to, so that he doesn’t get angry if she doesn’t.

    A sad thought, this kind of male entitlement on women bodies and lives. But honestly, admitting to a potential sexual partner I’m still virgin blocks me too. Maybe I wouldn’t be so cautious if I wasn’t a virgin but you can’t just fake being sexually/romantically experienced. This blocked me with guys I really liked too, when they showed up.

    #333123
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    “admitting to a potential sexual partner I’m still a virgin..”- admitting, as if it is a crime or something bad that requires admitting it.

    Let’s say you get to know a young man, enough to believe he is safe to be with and decent enough to not force anything on you, there is some mutual respect established, and you like him. And let’s say you are alone with him somewhere and he holds you hand or gets close to you, so you sense that he is indeed moving toward physical intimacy. What you do next, to make yourself more comfortable, is tell him something like this:

    I am not experienced this way and quite tense about being alone with a guy. I know that I will not be having sex with you this evening, meaning my clothes stay on and your clothes stay on. I don’t want anything hot and heavy either, just a bit of closeness, holding hands, maybe a hug and see how I feel, if I feel less tense and more comfortable.

    So you establish ground rules this way and you are in control of what happens and how much of what happens, happens.

    anita

    #333155
    Gaia
    Participant

    I know that I will not be having sex with you this evening, meaning my clothes stay on and your clothes stay on.

    I feel like with someone I really like things would be quite different,in the sense I’d really want real physical intimacy, proved himself to be someone that doesn’t shame or judge people.

    I don’t think people should be ashamed for being virgin but society does shame you and encourage others to shame you. Or to pity you, give you unsolicited advice etc. For someone like me who suffer from social anxiety and toxic shame feeling rejected or dismissed for that would be excruciating and uncomfortable, but yeah sooner or later I’ll have to establish ground rules as you suggest so maybe it’s better if I prepare myself

    #333163
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I am glad you approve of my suggestion that you establish ground rules in this context.

    Of course it is a problem for a person suffering from social anxiety and toxic shame to be shamed further by people and society. So let’s say the society of your peers, where you live, shame virginity. What do you do? Walk around in shame because you are a virgin.. or .. get rid of this virginity any which way?

    No. Fist, it is no one’s  business whether you are virgin or not. It is your business, keep people away from your business, especially a business of such intimate nature!

    Second, you have to select who will have the privilege to be in your company. Select people who are not going to shame you. How do you know if this or that person is likely to shame you?

    Let’s take the example of virginity. You meet a young man, get to  know him, talk. Ask him all kinds of questions, different topics: what  does he think about this and about that? At one point, you can ask him what does he think about young women who are virgin. Because you asked him all kinds of questions, he may not automatically react by asking: why, are you a virgin?

    If he does ask this, you can answer: you know I asked you all kinds of questions, this is just one of my questions. If he then says: well, are you a virgin? You can say: none  of your business, my dear.

    anita

    #333233
    Gaia
    Participant

    It sounds as good strategy, I’ll let you know how it goes for me. Virginity has been a burden even for friendships, since people do bond over romantic and intimate topics and experiences. I feel like being inexperienced always prevent me from truly letting others know me and connect with them

    #333255
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I will look forward to read from you about how it goes for you.

    Regarding the idea that you didn’t bond with peers and form friendships with people because you didn’t have sex is.. well, it can’t be true. All it takes is you having sex and .. your social life is resolved?

    I don’t think so.

    Friendships are based on mutual respect and kindness toward each other, not on exchanging sex and romance stories (I hope)!

    anita

    #333167
    Gabi
    Participant

    hi Gaia listen you not on yr own I know how it feeland Im much older than u hope u ok how do cope nowadays on an every day to day life what do u do to distract and feel better

    #333309
    Gaia
    Participant

    Well what I meant is that especially young people do bond over talking and discussing romance and suchlike, finding common ground or just sharing a personal experience etc…

    #333311
    Gaia
    Participant

    Gabi

    Thanks for this consideration. I’m trying to be mindful of the present moment and just be in the here &now (it’s not always easy). Often I escape through internet and fantasying when reality feels too unbearable, sometimes it’s hard to do tasks or accomplish work, study, social life etc… I may feel lethargic and lazy but I guess it’s a common experience for so many of us out there. Wish you well

Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 388 total)

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