Dear Gaia:

“I know I come off as very picky or hard to catch”- but Gaia, it is a good thing to be very picky when it comes to choosing a sexual/ romantic partner. Can you imagine how many sexually transmitted diseases people wouldn’t get if they were very picky? How many people wouldn’t get sick and die from such STDs as hepatitis C and aids? How many people wouldn’t become parents when they don’t want to?

And how  many people, if they were very picky, would save themselves a whole lot of money and years, if they didn’t marry the wrong person?

“he said that.. how I pulled out of the hug immediately was rude”- maybe it was rude of him to hug you without asking first: can I hug you?

“he said that he wasn’t going to have sex or physical contact with me”- that’s a lie because he said  it after he already initiated a hug and kisses, and these are physical contact.

“Around me people are not so picky with physical contact with members of the opposite sex, at least not people my age”- you don’t have to be like other people your age, you don’t have to follow their rules-of-conduct. It is okay for you to make your own rules.

You are a special young woman, not like others, special in a good way, an attractive way. Here is a thought: maybe other people your age should  be more like you in some ways, than you being like them.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Gaia:

“Sometimes I have to push myself in going out or interacting with others”-

– when you do, you display courage. Maybe other people your age should be more like you and display courage too. For example, it takes courage for a young woman to not go along with a guy and have sex with him just because he wants to, so that he doesn’t get angry if she doesn’t.

anita

Dear Gaia:

“admitting to a potential sexual partner I’m still a virgin..”- admitting, as if it is a crime or something bad that requires admitting it.

Let’s say you get to know a young man, enough to believe he is safe to be with and decent enough to not force anything on you, there is some mutual respect established, and you like him. And let’s say you are alone with him somewhere and he holds you hand or gets close to you, so you sense that he is indeed moving toward physical intimacy. What you do next, to make yourself more comfortable, is tell him something like this:

I am not experienced this way and quite tense about being alone with a guy. I know that I will not be having sex with you this evening, meaning my clothes stay on and your clothes stay on. I don’t want anything hot and heavy either, just a bit of closeness, holding hands, maybe a hug and see how I feel, if I feel less tense and more comfortable.

So you establish ground rules this way and you are in control of what happens and how much of what happens, happens.

anita

Dear Gaia:

I am glad you approve of my suggestion that you establish ground rules in this context.

Of course it is a problem for a person suffering from social anxiety and toxic shame to be shamed further by people and society. So let’s say the society of your peers, where you live, shame virginity. What do you do? Walk around in shame because you are a virgin.. or .. get rid of this virginity any which way?

No. Fist, it is no one’s  business whether you are virgin or not. It is your business, keep people away from your business, especially a business of such intimate nature!

Second, you have to select who will have the privilege to be in your company. Select people who are not going to shame you. How do you know if this or that person is likely to shame you?

Let’s take the example of virginity. You meet a young man, get to  know him, talk. Ask him all kinds of questions, different topics: what  does he think about this and about that? At one point, you can ask him what does he think about young women who are virgin. Because you asked him all kinds of questions, he may not automatically react by asking: why, are you a virgin?

If he does ask this, you can answer: you know I asked you all kinds of questions, this is just one of my questions. If he then says: well, are you a virgin? You can say: none  of your business, my dear.

anita

Dear Gaia:

I will look forward to read from you about how it goes for you.

Regarding the idea that you didn’t bond with peers and form friendships with people because you didn’t have sex is.. well, it can’t be true. All it takes is you having sex and .. your social life is resolved?

I don’t think so.

Friendships are based on mutual respect and kindness toward each other, not on exchanging sex and romance stories (I hope)!

anita