Home→Forums→Tough Times→Need some advice, as im so frustrated
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July 31, 2021 at 11:47 pm #383861TeeParticipant
Dear Felix,
i think there is a pair of dumbbell weights in my house… although it’s not heavy i guess i can try to use it for my exercise.
You can start with smaller weights (the ones you have at home), but if they are too light, buy another, heavier pair.
As for your teeth, you can inquire how long the teeth straightening process will last, i.e. how long you would have to wear braces. Also, if you’d be able to do it, considering your swallowing problem. Braces wouldn’t be a physical obstacle, people can eat normally with them as far as I know, but maybe psychologically for you it may be a problem.
Does it mean i shouldn’t analyze too much on it? Like i should just take it easy?
Yes, definitely, try to take it easy and live in the moment, without jumping in your mind all over the place, creating all those scenarios and potential obstacles in your head. Try to focus on the here and now, and what you can do today to improve yourself.
August 1, 2021 at 12:58 am #383862AnonymousInactiveDear TeaK,
Thank you once again for ur reply.
“As for your teeth, you can inquire how long the teeth straightening process will last, i.e. how long you would have to wear braces. Also, if you’d be able to do it, considering your swallowing problem. Braces wouldn’t be a physical obstacle, people can eat normally with them as far as I know, but maybe psychologically for you it may be a problem.“
= Yes, after the lockdown in my city has been lifted… i’ll inquire how long the process will last…. Because as you’ve said, it could cause a psychology problem for me.
There’s another thing i wanna share about (idk if this is also considered as overthinking).
So basically 4 years ago, before i went to uni my parents told me to attend uni in that “city” … only to study and immediately go back to my hometown to help my family’s business… And because they said it that way… i dont take my uni seriously… like i never get good grades… although fortunately i never failed any module… I also took an easy major in my uni…When one of my friends in uni asked me, “what’s ur plan after graduating”… i said “immediately go back to help my family’s business” and he said “ahh how lucky you are”…. This was asked when i was in my diploma before taking my degree… My uni is a business university… because i felt lucky i took the easiest major which is “business management”… i should’ve took accountancy that time… as i’m better at numbers…
After graduating… i immediately go back to help my family’s business…. And after a year (right now) i feel lost… like i keep complaining how my city was boring… and i dont think i’m a person who’s good at giving commands (if i continue the business that must mean i have to be good at giving commands), and i dont really like my family’s type of business, also my role right now isnt important in helping them actually.
Once i complained to my parents why is my life like this after graduating? As i see many of my friends are busy finding jobs and meeting new people and not stuck in a single place like me…
My parents said i should be lucky that i dont have to work hard like other people do… they say working is hard.. especially if you work with others (not independently).
In my head is that i’m still young and i’m keen to explore life.. i wanna enjoy my youth… i even thought of taking masters abroad only to enjoy my youth… but right now it’s lockdown in my city and i dont wanna take online classes for my masters as it’s a waste because i’ll only stay at home, and i cant predict when can i study abroad…
But i’m also lazy to study again, i’m confused now.
And i also want to try going to the gym and wear braces…Is it normal for a 22 year old to think like this? Am i complaining too much on life?
I bet any parents would get tired to have a child like me 😅August 1, 2021 at 1:22 am #383863TeeParticipantDear Felix,
I bet any parents would get tired to have a child like me
well, your parents in part contributed to your over-worrying and over-thinking. So blame it on them 🙂 But seriously, now that you’re aware of those tendencies of yours, and the family background that contributed to them, you have the power to change it, to change yourself. And you also know how…
We’ve already talked about your job at your family business, and your future there. You’re still young, everything is still possible, even going for a year or two to study abroad. But right now, you still don’t know what you want, you’re unsure about many things. So postpone those bigger decisions (such as about your career) till you feel within yourself what is that you really want. Till then, focus on smaller things, such as: “i also want to try going to the gym and wear braces…”
And even before going to the gym – start exercising. Don’t just think about it, do it. Start today.
August 2, 2021 at 4:41 am #383931AnonymousInactiveDear TeaK,
Thank you once again for ur reply.
“And even before going to the gym – start exercising. Don’t just think about it, do it. Start today.“
= Today i’ve tried exercise in my room using the dumbbells… i do the exercise while watching youtube… so i can follow the moves… i hope this exercise can give a positive outcome for me…
“We’ve already talked about your job at your family business, and your future there. You’re still young, everything is still possible, even going for a year or two to study abroad. But right now, you still don’t know what you want, you’re unsure about many things.“
= Is it normal for my age to still be confused on what i want? Even after finishing my degree…
As for my career… what path do u think will be good for me? I never really impress girls… i really wanna be a person who could impress my partner in the future…
I’m worried that i could study abroad is when i’m 24/25 by then due to covid cases… as several countries abroad restrict people from my country from entering due to our country’s covid cases.
What im thinking when im studying abroad is i’ll like to learn to live by myself, take part time jobs there… but idk if i’ll change my mind or not regarding my masters… because i’m easily to change my decisions…If i study abroad when i’m 25… i’ll be graduating at 27… and then go back to my hometown to help my parents business…
Now is actually the best time for me to study abroad as i’m still 22 and i’ll be graduating at 24… Too bad it isnt possible right now…
i bet most of my friends are in a relationship already/even married 🙂 and if im single at that time… it could cause a psychological problem for me… as i cant stand losing out…
I hear lots of girls prefer boys who’s established at their jobs… does that mean if im planning to continue my parents business i’ll need to be really good at it? Even when i’m not good at giving commands?
As a person who’s more experienced in life, what do u think is the criteria of a good partner in general?
August 5, 2021 at 1:52 am #384167TeeParticipantDear Felix,
Today i’ve tried exercise in my room using the dumbbells… i do the exercise while watching youtube… so i can follow the moves…
Great! Try doing it every day, consistently. You can also buy a mat (or do it on a carpet) and do some push-ups and similar exercises.
Is it normal for my age to still be confused on what i want? Even after finishing my degree…
It’s pretty common. The more insecure we are about ourselves, the more confused we are about what we really want in life. In order to know what you want, you’d need to be in touch with yourself more. And you can do that via meditation and mindfulness practices. The goal is to go within and to seek wisdom from within – from your inner voice – rather than from the outside. Because no one can tell you what’s right for you – e.g. to go study abroad or not – only you can.
You can have various pros and cons, and spend months weighing on them, and exhaust yourself in the process. A better way to come to a decision would be to feel (in your gut) whether this is something you are drawn to do, or not. Whether this feels right for you, or not.
That’s why I’d suggest that in addition to physical exercise, you do some form of meditative practice, where you simply connect with your breath and your body, and become more attuned to your internal sensations. Little by little, you’ll start feeling more in touch with your inner voice and your intuition.
As for my career… what path do u think will be good for me? I never really impress girls… i really wanna be a person who could impress my partner in the future…
As I said, only you can know what career path is good for you. As for impressing girls, you want to be able to impress them with your good character, your self-confidence, your empathy etc… You don’t want to attract girls who’re only impressed by your money or status. So don’t aim to impress girls, rather aim to develop yourself, because that will give you a greater chance to find a suitable girl, with good character…
August 6, 2021 at 9:09 am #384219AnonymousInactiveDear TeaK,
Thank you once again for ur reply.
“Great! Try doing it every day, consistently. You can also buy a mat (or do it on a carpet) and do some push-ups and similar exercises.“
= Till now i’m still doing the exercise with the dumbbells… although the dumbbells are light and i only do a few moves, i easily get tired…. i tried adding push ups and i felt exhausted easily…. Like i feel so weak, i cant imagine when i can go to the gym later on after covid restrictions has been lifted, although i really want to bulk my body/make it bigger….
This exhaustion feels like i’m not a person meant to do exercises 🙂… but i’ll keep trying.
“You don’t want to attract girls who’re only impressed by your money or status. So don’t aim to impress girls, rather aim to develop yourself, because that will give you a greater chance to find a suitable girl, with good character…”
= Don’t girls usually prefer guys who have a well-paid job or better?
Yes, you are right i should’ve focused on myself… i’ve been living my life focusing on other people, due to my lack of caring towards myself.
But i still feel uneasy when i “look” at other people’s lives… i always end up comparing my life with them… I also feel hatred when i saw they are promoting their happy lives on instagram (like they posts regarding their jobs, achievements, happy families, happy relationship, uni abroad), i hate it so much, it causes myself to force myself to achieve it like them… i hate society… why does everybody like to promote their so called “happy” lives on social media?
I easily question my decision whenever i saw other people feeling happy….Like when i saw they achieve something on that “job”… i question myself, should i’ve taken that “job path”?
If i saw them having a relationship in their uni days, i question myself… why cant i get a relationship in my uni days…
And if i saw them happy studying abroad… i also question myself, i should’ve study far abroad… and it end up making me feel regret…
Why do u think this “questioning” myself happen? How can i get rid of it?
Also i still get a dream about that “girl” sometimes, when i recently stop thinking about her and as usual that dream creates an uneasy feeling for me… like can that dream stop coming to me? im trying my best here…..
August 6, 2021 at 12:58 pm #384226AnonymousInactive*continuation from the previous thread*
Have i been trying to be someone else all this time?
I remember in high school, the students who usually participate in competition are labelled as “awesome”… At that time i force myself to join my friends in a band competition…. In the end we didnt won… i only join so that i wont be left out as the “awesome” students, in which i dont really care that we lost… I really dislike joining a competition like that and i felt out of place that time…. I only join so people will praise meAt uni, i also joined a musical event and became one of the actors for that musical… i force myself to join… in which i actually dont like and i also felt out of place there…. I dont really like socializing with too many people… and in that event i really have to, i only join so that people will praise me as “awesome”.
And now after graduating uni, i see some of my friends are finding their own career to work at big corporations…. My brain keeps telling me to be like them… in which right now my situation is helping my family’s business (my family’s business isnt a large corporation)… my role in my family’s business right now is relaxing…. But my brain keeps telling me to not get left out and follow most people who’s trying to work at big corporations….
I’m so confused with myself, why am i trying so hard to be like most people and worried about being left out… it’s really frustrating…
August 7, 2021 at 1:23 am #384236TeeParticipantDear Felix,
Till now i’m still doing the exercise with the dumbbells… although the dumbbells are light and i only do a few moves, i easily get tired…. i tried adding push ups and i felt exhausted easily…. Like i feel so weak, i cant imagine when i can go to the gym later on after covid restrictions has been lifted, although i really want to bulk my body/make it bigger….
You’ve just started a few days ago, no wonder you get easily tired. Keep it up, that’s how you train your muscles. Slowly, step by step, and always go just a little bit over your tiredness limit – push yourself only a little bit over what you feel comfortable. That’s how you’ll make progress and develop stamina. And it will make it easier for you once the lockdown is lifted and you hit the gym – you won’t need to start from scratch there.
This exhaustion feels like i’m not a person meant to do exercises … but i’ll keep trying.
Exercise is for everybody. In the beginning it’s hard, specially if you are weak and have no muscles, but with time it gets easier, and you might even start enjoying it 🙂
Don’t girls usually prefer guys who have a well-paid job or better?
Of course it’s a bonus if the guy has a well-paying job, but that’s not the only criterion. What I wanted to say is that you shouldn’t try to impress those kind of girls for whom money and status is one of the main criteria for choosing a partner.
why does everybody like to promote their so called “happy” lives on social media?
Not everybody likes it, but there are many who do. They feel better about themselves when they post, they like other people’s attention, they want to present a certain”perfect” picture about themselves… there are various motives why they do it. Sometimes people simply want to share their joyful moments with others (e.g. when posting holidays pictures), and there’s nothing wrong about that.
I easily question my decision whenever i saw other people feeling happy….Like when i saw they achieve something on that “job”… i question myself, should i’ve taken that “job path”?
If i saw them having a relationship in their uni days, i question myself… why cant i get a relationship in my uni days…
And if i saw them happy studying abroad… i also question myself, i should’ve study far abroad… and it end up making me feel regret…
Why do u think this “questioning” myself happen? How can i get rid of it?
You’re questioning yourself because you don’t know yourself. You believe that doing what everybody else is doing will make you happy. But in reality, you can only be truly happy if you are doing what makes you happy.
Here is what I told you a while ago:
The solution is not to become extrovert, if you’re an introvert. The solution is not to talk about superficial things, if you prefer deeper topics and talking about emotions. The solution is not to become someone else, but to be yourself, with confidence.
Whenever you start thinking that you should do this or that because it seems it makes other people happy – make a pause and tell yourself that even if it makes them happy, it won’t necessarily make you happy. Because you are unique, you have your unique needs, goals and desires. You need to get in touch with yourself more (I spoke about it in my previous post), to discover what will really make you happy.
August 8, 2021 at 5:59 am #384274AnonymousInactiveDear TeaK,
Thank you once again for ur reply.
Besides exercising, i even start to play games now… i used to play games only because i dont wanna get left out from my friends, but right now i start playing games for myself recently (i play alone)… and i enjoyed it…
I really enjoy being alone now 🙂
Tbh the separation with that girl changed me a lot… i can see things in a bigger picture now but i became less social… i hope this is a positive path for me.
“Of course it’s a bonus if the guy has a well-paying job, but that’s not the only criterion. What I wanted to say is that you shouldn’t try to impress those kind of girls for whom money and status is one of the main criteria for choosing a partner.”
= Yes i get what u mean, i’m trying to find girls who accept me of who i am… but i hope that i also will find a girl whom i’m attracted too, I hope that i dont have to force myself to like someone only because that person is willing to accept me for who i am…
But i still believe money & status increase someone’s chances in finding one….
Especially looks, this is a crucial one… as humans are visual creatures and they are easily attracted by appearance…Even me myself who is “not good looking” still prefers to be with someone whom i labelled as good looking (my type).
After reading some of my previous threads, and i wanna re-discuss a little about this part…
“A while ago you asked me about some instagram posts that you felt embarrassed about. I told you that if you’ve mislead people into believing that you’ve been working hard on a housing project, while you haven’t, you can feel regret about it (a healthy regret), realize it was a wrong thing to do, but also forgive yourself and move on. Beating yourself up forever for having made that post would be an unhealthy and destructive form of regret”
= The embarrassment isnt only about the housing project… there’s also a post of myself in which at that time i know it’ll embarrass me but i still shared it on social media because i know it’ll attract that “girl” attention… and i remember i posted that kind of pic not only once, but a few times…. It’s not about me beating myself up, it’s just that i feel i’ve done something irreversible in which most people (who followed me on social media) i know have seen it… I just hope girls who saw all of my previous posts wont regard me as a “freak” 🙂
i know it seems like i’m talking about me overthinking again… but i dont dwell that much anymore regarding that matter in my head… i just feel like i wanna convince my head fully of that situation. Just like the housing project posts i’ve stopped thinking about it totally…
Do u think the situation is still the same (after that re-explaining i did)… that i should just let it go, forgive myself and stop finding ways to solve that situation? 🙂
August 8, 2021 at 10:06 pm #384358AnonymousInactive*continuation from previous post*
After trying to know myself better, i realize that i’m a person who really cant handle embarrassment/me embarrassing myself…. No wonder i still cant keep it out of my head even after exercising and i’ve also stopped posting on social media for 80 days…. Still the embarrassment is still there….
Tbh, I feel better these days after knowing more about myself….
Is there any other method besides meditating? Or are there some sentences to stop my mind from thinking of this issue?
I really hope there’ll be a day where i’ll be free from this overthinking issues…. I won’t give up…
August 9, 2021 at 3:35 am #384364TeeParticipantDear Felix,
i used to play games only because i dont wanna get left out from my friends, but right now i start playing games for myself recently (i play alone)… and i enjoyed it…
I really enjoy being alone now
It’s good you do something you enjoy… just keep up also the physical exercises, otherwise you may become too passive again.
i can see things in a bigger picture now but i became less social… i hope this is a positive path for me.
Well, you said you’re an introvert and that socializing too much wasn’t for you. But we all need company, so don’t go into the other extreme of becoming a recluse, a lone wolf, playing computer games all the time… You have at least one or two good friends, don’t you? Don’t neglect keeping in touch with them, and perhaps hanging out with them once the covid situation improves.
Especially looks, this is a crucial one… as humans are visual creatures and they are easily attracted by appearance…
Well, they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A good-looking girl could have a bad character, and after a while you’ll start resenting her, whereas a girl with a more average looks might be a true gem. So I wouldn’t say looks is the crucial one, not at all. Of course, it’s important that you’d be attracted to the person, but we can be attracted to more than just physical appearance.We can be attracted to their personality, and their good heart, and that’s I think the most important kind of attraction.
The embarrassment isnt only about the housing project… there’s also a post of myself in which at that time i know it’ll embarrass me but i still shared it on social media because i know it’ll attract that “girl” attention… and i remember i posted that kind of pic not only once, but a few times….
What kind of picture of yourself did you post?
August 9, 2021 at 5:55 am #384368AnonymousInactiveDear TeaK,
Thank you once again for ur reply.
“Well, you said you’re an introvert and that socializing too much wasn’t for you. But we all need company, so don’t go into the other extreme of becoming a recluse, a lone wolf, playing computer games all the time… You have at least one or two good friends, don’t you? Don’t neglect keeping in touch with them, and perhaps hanging out with them once the covid situation improves.”
= I won’t turn myself into a lone wolf… as i believe it’ll cause negative impacts on me…. and yeah i have few good friends (less than 10).
Although i can still hangout with them, i don’t feel as attach as i used to with them (with my current mindset)…. I don’t even wanna care about their lives anymore 😂…
“What kind of picture of yourself did you post?”
= It’s a silly picture of me….. like a pic of me doing stupid pose…. I don’t know how to explain specifically but you could say it looks that way…..
Even that time when one of my friends posted a silly pic of me (it’s so embarrassing, my face looks so silly and stupid there), i still reposted that pic….. to gain that “girl’s” attention, and she did text me that time…. saying that she finds it hilarious, i look silly there and etc….
I posted that kind of pic because she usually initiates a chat with me if there’s something funny…..
August 9, 2021 at 6:28 am #384370TeeParticipantDear Felix,
I won’t turn myself into a lone wolf… as i believe it’ll cause negative impacts on me…. and yeah i have few good friends (less than 10).
Good to hear you won’t turn into a lone wolf! Less than 10 good friends is quite a lot, even 2 or 3 really good friends can be enough…
Although i can still hangout with them, i don’t feel as attach as i used to with them (with my current mindset)…. I don’t even wanna care about their lives anymore…
Good you’re not attached to them and aren’t comparing your life with theirs any more. I believe it’s a good strategy that for the time being, you focus on yourself, learning about yourself, going inward rather than outward, developing more self-esteem etc. Later, when you feel more self-confident, you can start reaching out more, inquiring how they are, showing genuine interest in them. What I am trying to say is that you can care about their lives in a positive, friendly manner, not in an anxious manner, where you’re comparing yourself with them (which you might have done so far).
I posted that kind of pic because she usually initiates a chat with me if there’s something funny…..
Goofy pictures are fun, you don’t need to feel embarrassed at all! Actually it tells others you are cool and relaxed because you don’t mind posting a funny picture of yourself. So rest assured, it’s totally harmless and seen either as positive or neutral. You have nothing to worry about.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
August 10, 2021 at 9:30 am #384449AnonymousInactiveDear TeaK,
Thank you once again for ur reply.
“Goofy pictures are fun, you don’t need to feel embarrassed at all! Actually it tells others you are cool and relaxed because you don’t mind posting a funny picture of yourself. So rest assured, it’s totally harmless and seen either as positive or neutral. You have nothing to worry about.“
= Yes i think it creates an image of me as a relaxed person towards other people, but i still think it’s not a good way to show girls…. Like imo i need to show them a proper pic of me to get them attracted as goofy pics might turn them off, even though it’s harmless.
I wanna re-discuss regarding this matter:
“We’ve already talked about your job at your family business, and your future there. You’re still young, everything is still possible, even going for a year or two to study abroad. But right now, you still don’t know what you want, you’re unsure about many things. So postpone those bigger decisions (such as about your career) till you feel within yourself what is that you really want. Till then, focus on smaller things, such as: “i also want to try going to the gym and wear braces…” “
= I really wanna rant regarding this issue due to my parents…
When i graduated high school back then, i wasnt quite sure on what should i do for my future, i’m also unsure on which uni to take that time…
My parents tells me to take “that” uni and after graduating later on, immediately go back to our hometown to help our family’s business (i’ve explained about this previously)…. Due to those words i became lazy at uni and although i passed my uni without any failed modules… my marks on uni are never good… just barely passed… Some of my friends target good marks on their modules for their career later on.
Now after graduating, i’m back on my hometown helping my parents….
Every month i get my salary for helping them…Although i don’t really help much in the office… But you know what…. Sometimes my mum make fun of me for getting that wage, like she’s joking that i’m the son of my dad, and therefore i get my salary just like everyone else in the office even though i didn’t do much there….Like my role in the company is an invisible role…Like what do they want actually…. I know they want me to inherit, but they make it seem like i’m useless…
They also once told me, why do you never try starting your own business?
I never think about starting my own career because they told me working for someone else is not gonna be an easy task… and our family has a business… so i wouldn’t need to apply for jobs…Now i’m thinking of mending my marks by taking masters abroad, and i’ve told my parents about it… but they told me to not discuss about that as it’s still lockdown now… and we don’t know when i can go abroad as there are still many cases in my country….
If i really study abroad later on… i wanna try taking part time jobs while having my masters… then after graduating i’ll try applying for jobs (in that abroad country) to gain experience…. If i do get the job i’ll work for a year and then go back to my hometown…. If i didn’t get the job i’ll immediately go back….
Ultimately i’ll go back to help them… at least, when i go back i can show them i finished my masters, took a part time job, and (could be) have a job of my own.Tbh i think i’m not a person who enjoys doing business as it requires interacting with people… and as an introvert i dislike it… but due to circumstances, i’ll have to learn it.
i just hope that i can study abroad before i’m 25…
Because if it’ll took 2 years for me to graduate… and i wanna marry before 30.. and if my final decision is to go back to my hometown and help my parents… the most possible scenario is to marry someone who lives in my city right 🙂…
I know you’ve said that i should postpone the bigger decisions… it’s just that i wanna rant about this issue 😂 as the more i think about it, the more i feel like i’m a failure (although with my current mindset, i can feel a little better with my self-esteem as i didn’t care about other people’s life anymore)…
Do u think the way my parents guide me for my future is wrong? Although i know they want the best for me…
Or is it me that is at fault because i should be able to think of my future, and not relying on my parents?
August 10, 2021 at 10:30 am #384456TeeParticipantDear Felix,
Do u think the way my parents guide me for my future is wrong? Although i know they want the best for me…
They wanted you to take the easier route, because in general, it’s easier to get employed at the family’s company that to have to compete on the job market. They wanted to protect you, and it’s probably because they see you as not capable enough to make it on your own (your mother is mocking you that you get your salary just because you’re your dad’s son, not because you deserve it).
They think they want the best for you, but they don’t, because they (specially your mother) have instilled in you since childhood this notion that you are weak, less capable and a reason to worry. And you indeed adopted this view of yourself, and became lazy, unmotivated, and overly dependent on your parents.
They first made you weak, or contributed to your weakness, and now they are “helping” you by giving you unimportant tasks, treating you like a child. It’s not a healthy approach.
Like what do they want actually…. I know they want me to inherit, but they make it seem like i’m useless…
Yes, that’s the paradox. On one hand, they treat you as useless, and on the other, they would like you to inherit the company. How do they think you could some day lead the company if they don’t trust in your abilities? Perhaps you can ask them that… but what’s for sure is that their attitude is unhelpful if they really want you to succeed and thrive some day.
The question is what you want. If you opt for an MBA, what are you hoping to achieve with it? You say:
If i really study abroad later on… i wanna try taking part time jobs while having my masters… then after graduating i’ll try applying for jobs (in that abroad country) to gain experience….
My interpretation of this is that you’re hoping to gain experience and perhaps some independence from your parents, doing part-time jobs, where you’re not given baby tasks like now, but are treated like an adult. Is that correct? If that’s your goal, I think it’s a good one, and would help you a lot.
During those part-time jobs, you might discover what you like and what suits you best, and you may adjust your career accordingly. Perhaps you get to like those business skills (which so far you don’t like) and either choose to go back to your father’s company, to some kind of managerial position, or you get a job elsewhere, in a good company, which takes you seriously. Or, you realize you absolutely hate business, but you discover what you do like and go into that field, away from your father’s company.
So, having multiple part-time jobs would serve as a catalyst to help you decide what you like best and what career to choose. And being away from your parents would help you gain independence and remove yourself from their smothering influence.
So if I were you, I would look for ways to move away from your parents, at least for a while. If MBA or a similar Masters program offers you this possibility, I’d seriously consider it!
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