Dear Lindsey:

It is not weird that I am a constant in your life these days. You are a constant in my life as well and I am fine with it.

Regarding your mother’s visit, you have the right to continue to not speak with her at all until the next Easter and beyond, to not pick her up at the airport, and to not have lunch or dinner with her so to take care of yourself, to do what is right for you !  (She did and does what is right for her, not what is right for you, hasn’t she?)

Regarding K, he asked you to watch a movie Friday, you couldn’t so the two of you decided to watch the movie Sunday. Sunday he didn’t reach you. You texted him and he still didn’t text you until 10:15 pm, “saying he never got off the couch all day”.

What a shame! I had hopes for a relationship between the two of you, because he said he wants to get to know you and acted nicely toward you. But now I am not hopeful at all. Maybe he is depressed, being on the couch all day, maybe tired, I don’t know. My problem is with the fact that he doesn’t follow through with what he says, doesn’t return your text on the day you agreed on meeting ! and doesn’t see a problem with that.

Too bad, Lindsey. I had hopes and so did you. You are probably at work now, I wonder if there has been any exchange between you and him?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I would say, prioritize. We don’t mention your kids often, but they should be your number one priority, to give them a feeling of safety when they are in your home, to be patient with them, to never yell at them, never shame them in any way and attend to them with kindness, letting them know that you see them as worthy little people.

Your mother, I would place her as last priority, same as she places you.

K, he is quite young, considering today’s 30 is  often yesterday’s 20. People don’t like to .. adult, is the new verb. If I was you, I would have a talk with him, agree (or disagree) that the two of you are in a pre-relationship stage of getting to know each other, and that in this stage the rules are that he will return your first text in a day within a couple of hours after being aware that you texted him. You can add a few rules to this one, but this is one.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Information is key. Maybe he is physically sick then and that is why he stayed on the couch all day. He is 30, coming to think about it, 10 years younger than you. Not unheard of, my grandmother on my father’s side was 10 years older than him… and she died when she was well over a 100, forty years or so after he died. But I digress.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I am proud of you too ! You were honest with yourself, realizing your motivation was to get a reassurance. And you didn’t act impulsively.

Good. Keep at it !!!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Good plan to not spend time with your mother and ex and kids Friday and Saturday.

Regarding K, reads like he is a young 30 year old, not settled yet emotionally, that is, maybe drinking too much. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants in life. Read promising when he said that he wants to get to know you, but it could have been a moment of sanity and maturity while otherwise he is not there yet. What do you think?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I think that you feel unsettled because it is difficult for an anxious person to be in a situation that is not clear and predictable, when you don’t know what to expect, which is what the situation with K is like.

When you don’t know what is happening and what is likely to happen next, that is a recipe for increased anxiety, over thinking and well, this is unsettling.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

To have a healthy relationship with him the two of you will have to  work together to make it work, so you will have to manage your anxiety but he will have to provide you with some safety (answering your texts within reason, following through getting together with you, etc.)

anita