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This topic contains 777 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 271 through 285 (of 778 total)
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  • #298209

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    What a joke. I get a text at 10:15 with him saying he never got off the couch all day.  We chatted for a second. Disappointed and annoyed. Have not said anything yet. Not sure it’s worth it.

    Lindsey

    #298237

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    It is not weird that I am a constant in your life these days. You are a constant in my life as well and I am fine with it.

    Regarding your mother’s visit, you have the right to continue to not speak with her at all until the next Easter and beyond, to not pick her up at the airport, and to not have lunch or dinner with her so to take care of yourself, to do what is right for you !  (She did and does what is right for her, not what is right for you, hasn’t she?)

    Regarding K, he asked you to watch a movie Friday, you couldn’t so the two of you decided to watch the movie Sunday. Sunday he didn’t reach you. You texted him and he still didn’t text you until 10:15 pm, “saying he never got off the couch all day”.

    What a shame! I had hopes for a relationship between the two of you, because he said he wants to get to know you and acted nicely toward you. But now I am not hopeful at all. Maybe he is depressed, being on the couch all day, maybe tired, I don’t know. My problem is with the fact that he doesn’t follow through with what he says, doesn’t return your text on the day you agreed on meeting ! and doesn’t see a problem with that.

    Too bad, Lindsey. I had hopes and so did you. You are probably at work now, I wonder if there has been any exchange between you and him?

    anita

    #298253

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    To be clear, we did not make concrete plans for Sunday.  I told him I couldn’t Friday but Sunday so it was more of an ok not I’ll see you Sunday at this time.  He has not gotten to work yet.  I’m pretty sure he will message as normal.  I’m not sure what to do or say to him.  In a friendship  with no interest, I would probably not think it was that big of a deal.  But there is interest there for me.  I just do not know how to address the situation.  I feel lost.  I’m also wondering if this is what happens with a 30 y/o guy who drinks a lot and lives with a 28 y/o roommate.  I’m confused.

    With my mom, I told her I would not meet if my ex is going to be there too because it does not create a good situation for me.  I think we are going to meet on Sunday.

    #298261

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I would say, prioritize. We don’t mention your kids often, but they should be your number one priority, to give them a feeling of safety when they are in your home, to be patient with them, to never yell at them, never shame them in any way and attend to them with kindness, letting them know that you see them as worthy little people.

    Your mother, I would place her as last priority, same as she places you.

    K, he is quite young, considering today’s 30 is  often yesterday’s 20. People don’t like to .. adult, is the new verb. If I was you, I would have a talk with him, agree (or disagree) that the two of you are in a pre-relationship stage of getting to know each other, and that in this stage the rules are that he will return your first text in a day within a couple of hours after being aware that you texted him. You can add a few rules to this one, but this is one.

    anita

    #298263

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    You are right.

    K just texted me saying he is sick and not coming into work.  He did say last night “I feel like death and haven’t moved off the couch all day.”  So maybe one more chance?  Then add the rule.   And yes he is quite young I trying to stay open and stress free about the situation with him in general.

    Lindsey

    #298269

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Information is key. Maybe he is physically sick then and that is why he stayed on the couch all day. He is 30, coming to think about it, 10 years younger than you. Not unheard of, my grandmother on my father’s side was 10 years older than him… and she died when she was well over a 100, forty years or so after he died. But I digress.

    anita

    #298333

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I am proud of myself.  I almost sent a text a few minutes ago asking if K felt better and if he needed anything.  The more I thought about it the more I realized I was just seeking some reassurance possibly for not having texted with him for several hours as usual and having a bit of anxiety.  I believe it sounds a little on the desperate side to send a text like that.  Better for him to text when he is feeling better.

    Lindsey

    #298341

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I am proud of you too ! You were honest with yourself, realizing your motivation was to get a reassurance. And you didn’t act impulsively.

    Good. Keep at it !!!

    anita

    #298637

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Plans for the weekend regarding my mother is I’m going to spend time with her and the kids on Sunday.  I’m not going to join her, my ex, and the kids on Friday or Saturday.  It’s best for me to be around him as little as possible.  It also can set me off seeing my mother and him interact as I do not agree with how she handles their relationship.

    I feel a little lost at sea.  K came over last night and watched a movie.  It was late, he came over after playing volleyball.  He was a little tipsy which is fine but I did notice his personality change a little.  He seemed to have a little bit more…..of a smart mouth if that makes sense.  Not disrespectful to me.  I felt like he would walk closer or step closer to me a few times which is not a bad thing I was just not sure how to handle it.  He was falling asleep on the couch and so was I so I said if he wanted to stay over he could & sleep on the couch.  Then I said well, you could sleep in the bed b/c the couch is really uncomfortable but I don’t really think that would be a smart idea.  He ended up leaving and driving home and I just feel…disconnected maybe? It’s hard to explain.

    Lindsey

    #298639

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Good plan to not spend time with your mother and ex and kids Friday and Saturday.

    Regarding K, reads like he is a young 30 year old, not settled yet emotionally, that is, maybe drinking too much. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants in life. Read promising when he said that he wants to get to know you, but it could have been a moment of sanity and maturity while otherwise he is not there yet. What do you think?

    anita

    #298651

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I don’t really know what to think.  Does it read immaturity to you?  Why do I feel so unsettled about the situation?

    Lindsey

    #298653

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I think that you feel unsettled because it is difficult for an anxious person to be in a situation that is not clear and predictable, when you don’t know what to expect, which is what the situation with K is like.

    When you don’t know what is happening and what is likely to happen next, that is a recipe for increased anxiety, over thinking and well, this is unsettling.

    anita

    #298657

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    You are right.  Trying to remember the closeness principal you mentioned in an earlier post from an old therapist.  I think sometimes when we hang out I will feel closer to him than other times.

    Also trying to relax and remember that bringing anxiety into the mix with K only makes things worse, not better.

    Lindsey

    #298661

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    To have a healthy relationship with him the two of you will have to  work together to make it work, so you will have to manage your anxiety but he will have to provide you with some safety (answering your texts within reason, following through getting together with you, etc.)

    anita

    #298667

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I agree.  However, I don’t think these things can be established until we are actually dating.  Right now we are only friends.  I hate my anxiety.  I was just on my phone out in the atrium at work and saw him come in.  My anxiety starts to dissect how he said hi, did he seem weird, has he suddenly decided not to like me anymore.  That is exactly how my anxiety works.  Constant doubt.

    Lindsey

Viewing 15 posts - 271 through 285 (of 778 total)

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