I enjoy writing with you so much. I like how I have these practices that I can do and that I can share it with you. Makes it less lonely.

Morning Anita,

thanks for checking on me. Wanted to say hello. Will write later – and I look forward to it.

I hope you rested well. I had horrible sleep! But tonight will be better.

anita,

Busy day at work today.

Yesterday – I practiced talking highly of myself as well. And it was fine and made me feel good. And I had a good time. No aggressiveness. No stressors. Just a fine time with the girls. One of the girls, P and I had become closer recently. We would talk individually through text message almost every day. Ever since I went NC, she has stopped that communication. Our contact now is only in group settings. It amazes me to see people do such things and be ok with. She is one friend that I observe a lot because her behaviors are very different than mine. She truly does what is best for herself and her own sanity. (I think she takes it to an extreme where it does become selfish) – but still something to learn from. Or perhaps not learn, but observe.

I am going to email you now about crush.

calisister

Dear anita,

I emailed you.

About P – she has the “perfect” family situation and would never go NC. She is always beyond her words when she hears about my family stuff. I actually met her mother two weeks ago. They are very close. However, I see what you are saying. And thank you for bringing positivity to the situation. I will try to see her in a better light.

About what you said about death and my mother making it such a focus – how very true! She never had time, there was no time. And she was obsessed with this no time concept so all she did was sit at home and obsess over it instead of ever acting on anything.

What you said was absolutely perfect. On point. Couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s almost like I wrote it myself.

so selfish. The most selfish. Not cooking for me when I couldn’t chew. Not shopping for me when she would take me to the mall. SELFISH.

Anita,

I know we are emailing – so this we can address after all of that is dealt with. I want to apologize if I have seemed a bit all over the place today – or have ignored some parts of your posts. I am having a bit of a hard time, which I’m sure you can probably tell.

I feel very sad that my sister is moving. I cried when I got home, and I think this is also part of the reason I cried on Saturday. We are finally close again and have started hanging out more. Our relationship is becoming healthier. Both of us just recently moved close to each other. It has not even been a full year yet. Our dogs literally love each other. They are inseparable. I finally feel like I have the love of family. And now..I found out they will be leaving in the next 2-3 months. How this breaks my heart.

I almost feel like….it can’t just be good for me. Something can’t just work out. And I do not mean this in the “woe is me” victim way. I finally go NC – and now my sister will leave. I do not have any family here. I have no one essentially. It is scary and sad – why must I live like this? Should I move too? (I will not, but I don’t understand why family should be apart..esp because of the trauma we have experienced). I just want something to work out for me – if that makes sense. Something good, something happy. I am sick of spending so much of life alone. It has been so nice getting closer to my brother in law. And I wish they would stay longer..I feel like we are getting closer, and then WOOP they leave. I do not really understand the point of love being so far away.