Dear Anita,

“life WAS helping her. Everything was her. everything. Even when I thought it wasn’t- it sure was. her”

You know what’s good today Anita. I am so tired, that I am too tired to come from an intellectual state.  It reminds me of the concept of how the truth comes out when you hit rock bottom, when you have “nothing” left.  Uncovering of sorts.  Not that this is “rock bottom” it is simply the twists and turns of the healing journey.

So to elaborate as authentically as I can:

I see me as someone who is strong and capable, as someone who has a good sense of herself.  But where did this come from? It is perhaps a lie.  See all of life was her.  Even when I didn’t think it was her (meaning I was attending to me, myself, my friends, my needs) it wasn’t.  It was a lie.  See even if I was “attending” to people of my choosing, it was always subconsciously to make her happy.  See it was always to make her happy.  It was all a lie, that I had any identity or self will – self imposed will – self drive. What is myself anyway?

As a kid I thought, or was told I was defiant and strong willed.  It seems doesn’t it – this that I was strong and confident! A person of her own will! But when you ask me what I would be doing if it wasn’t Helping her, appeasing her, my mind is a blank.  it occurs to me that this is life. LIFE is her.  All her.  It is like in Hinduism when they say we reincarnate – so then did I come back as a reincarnation as her crutch…I smirk as this i one of the things she praised teh most! Oh my daughters!! Look at this amazing daughter how Lucky I am to have her, look how much she cares about her mother.

But what is this daughter, who is she? her life has been a lie. CC being so happy and outgoing. lie.  CC being so friendly and engaging. lie

All she did was for her mother, to help her mother.  Thats all she iss.  That is who she is.  She is no one else.  She is mommys little helper.

She was told all this great stuff about herself, she engaged in so many great things. But her mind and life is blank.  A puppet for her mother. The mother child.

The best part, her mom taught her bull***t – so not does she not have a life outside of HER. HER is a lie in itself!! its not like she spent her life attending to an ailing mother dying of cancer for 20 years so her only role is caregiver.  No because in this case her life wouldnt be a lie.  she would have just missed out on key development perhaps – or had a different route.

This isnt a different route.  This is – what is it…

This is a bad birth

Dear Anita,

yes, you are right.

high price indeed.  yet it feels like this:

i paid this high price, of course without choosing, the child comes out loving their mother – as you and i speak about often, the innate state.

I believed my mother far beyond childhood, up until quite recently – as you know – even my first post saying, “toxic but loving parents”

the “but”

the irony! toxic BUT loving, as if!

what does that mean? it means confusion, it means frenzy.  someone who knows the truth but can’t accept it, or a truth trying to poke it’s little head, but the conscious squashing it down

you know what else? you have said often, that I must heal in the context of a loving relationship…

Well I feel quite resistant to love, not actively, not consciously – subconsciously

Its like getting fed amazing ice cream daily, but not knowing its value – thinking oh its food.

not having the awareness or insight to appreciate – it doesn’t exist.

if you say to me my husband is kind supportive and loving, i say yes –

but that loving relationship I must be in – to heal

I don’t feel I can appreciate it, or more than the term appreciate it – even begin to gauge what it is

i feel blind to it. blind

I think it is, in fact I was searching for one earlier today.  Here in NYC there are thousands of course, but how many “competent” caring, not just wanting your money? Hmm..hard to find.  Especially on a decent schedule.

And it is not that I am “too good” for it – but there are so many incredible bad ones, especially not suitable for individuals who have done so much work like i have (or yourself) that it makes it that much more difficult. often an assistant to the main psychotherapist is seen first.  I find that whole process frustrating and it turns me off.  But of course finding anyone of value will take time and effort.

So still, it is my job to try – I must.  I will.  It may be trial and error – but I must.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dearest Anita,

I would very much like if you could share those notes, if and when you desire and are able.   I admire the perseverance of your therapist in engaging in  both couples (newly married) therapy as well as solo – and of course yourself, for persevering through it all.

The proportion example, yes – the anger/hurt is in proportion – what a notable concept…

Thank you Dear Anita, I will keep that in mind.  Have a good rest of your day.

Dear Anita,

Good Morning.  I woke up today with more clarity.  I felt the following:

1) wow one day waking up horrible, the next one okay – feels better

2) feels “bipolar” up and down up and down

3) perhaps I need medication because of these ups and downs…

4) No! these ups and downs are “healing” and feeling and apart of the journey, no need to suppress it with medication, its trauma manifesting itself

5) But…if there’s up and down and up and down – how do I know I am actually moving net forward? and not in circles..?

Have you, Anita, had these sort of thoughts before, back earlier in your journey perhaps? When you would feel enraged and horrible one day, and more calm the next…or that sort of thing.  I wonder if any of the above occurred in your brain as well..