Oh Anita,

i just read your reply (after I posted above) and I am in tears. I am so proud of myself for always keeping the language of love. Perhaps with my husband it is the language of war and roar. But if I am able to keep the language of love with you, for all these years and persist so well. I can do anything. Thank you for giving me faith and hope today. This was a pivotal day. It is a pivotal day.

Dear Anita,

I hope you have a positive evening as well.

I will write more here, to continue the thought process which we started, knowing you will read this tomorrow.

I thought about how I said outward, I am a terrible interpersonal communicator..  How that felt good.

It felt good to not cover something up, perhaps that is like the constant showing up that has been exhausting to do.  Perhaps it is like the social butterfly role.  I think often how the social butterfly gets exhausted, she over did it.

But I think so much of it is beyond being over tired, over exhausted.  It is being given an identity that is not mine per se.  Or perhaps wanting to create a whole new identity.

So much of my talk is frenzied speech..  So much of my “socialness” is not knowing when to shut up.  So much of it is guilt and knee-jerk pattern based. Do I enjoy the company of others, sure.  But have I become increasingly resentful, yes..  The inner circle.

We talked a lot about the inner circle this month (well in July).  I looked at my roots as why I would get so mad and annoyed at S, oh her stupid wedding.  Attributing it to not wanting to engage all the time, or hear about BS.

The thing is it has all pointed to one thing, Cali Chica is tired.  But she does not just want to rest, she wants to change.  She wants to go into a cocoon and come out as a different butterfly. A rebirth, a transformation.  She does not like the costume she is wearing right now.  And yes the visual of relinquishing the wonder woman costume for the slim nude silhouette is sexy and appealing – it doesn’t just happen this way.

In my “therapy” work today – I realize many false truths about myself.  First of which is that I am a good interpersonal communicator.  I think about how blind my mother was to how she came off to others, and who she was in the world.  I am similar.

Acting out of frenzy is not your innate self.  So if I am constantly frenzied, am I ever myself? Yes, I am myself online when I speak to you.  I am myself in small moments when I do whatever I want without fear of others.

Do you want to know something? You know how I tell you that I often have mindless chatter about other people.  Useless stuff, oh M came to work today and she was telling us how hard it is for kids to get into schools here.  Oh Y is going away this weekend but all their plans got ruined, oh Z is doing this.  It  isn’t gossip or malice or anything, it is just mindless chatter and talk.

Well today, I had none of it.  Because I was too tired.

I love being too tired.  When I am too tired I am my true self.  I am authentic CC.  The true needs, wants, wishes, and calm state comes out. It is this person that is a sponge for change and growth.

The frenzied CC is too busy buzzing around to be back down to earth, floating around not grounded.  Not on purpose of course.

It shouldn’t have to be this way, the day after an enraged breakdown I have clarity and I am grounded and too tired to be frenzied.  Too tired to be frenzied, so not frenzied.  It can’t be this way, it is not a way to live, falling to bottom to feel your true self.  A vicious cycle.

Surely there must be a way to access this “too tired” innate CC without that.  I know it will be with mindfulness.  I know there will be no easy way.

I also see this visual of a bumble bee buzzing around aimlessly back and forth up and down in and out.  Making it no where, buzz buzz buzz.  I see how tired this bumble be gets, but accomplishing nothing.  This has been the past few years.  Not that I made no progress.  But there is usesless distress, and useful learning.  The meaningless distress is the buzzing around, feeling it means something, or has a voice, but it is just useless.

I instantly have a visual of my mother on the couch.  Small woman, petite in height on a long couch, with a blanket almost over her head.  Like a squirmy child, in distress pouting and – yes not in reality.  Unable to grasp what is going on.  This mother child  squirming around making child like noises, so if to say, hellp me save me I am drowning over here.  I feel no remorse for her, I feel nothing. I see it and think of a sick person, a flawed person, a lifelong patient in the psych ward – who never actually showed up.

So yes, I have seen useless cyclical distress my ENTIRE LIFE, and not seeing any progress.  Not seeing the value of support, help, therapy, change.  Of course not..  It was taken as is.  This is how your mother is..  Done.

This is why I do not see the value of support, help, therapy, or change.  I have no hope or faith in it innately because I never saw it.  its not like I had a mother who attended therapy and learned to manage anger.  Or a mother who worked on herself to be less aggressive to my father.  Or a mother who changed for the better even one percent, or a mother who said how much we helped her, but never was helped.  Nothing helped her. So of course I don’t have faith that anything can help.  Of course I don’t see value in any “tactics to change.”

But here’s the huge gap – my mother never even TRIED! (not to say if she did she would be better, but for conversation sake). she never tried.  She never once did anything to try to become better, and convinced us that the way she is – is how she is – and that is her both curse and achievement.  How interesting.  Such a curse to be emotional she would repent, and another tie, oh look how much I feel, God made me so caring.

If I saw how much we “did” for my mother and she only got worse, how do I have any faith in what support truly does..?

Dear Anita,

It is this rushing, this frenzy, that rains on your parade of life every time, everywhere, every day.

Yes it does.

I really like your example about the food.  In fact this is true and I had a not so great relationship with food once I finally lived on my own in my 20s.  I recall having trouble taking my time to eat, and always wondering if i was hungry or full.  Having trouble following natural cues, given that I was frenzied and rushed.

Of course never realizing that it came back from what you delineated perfectly, distress and frenzy at the dinner table since birth.

I notice a trend of always blaming myself for not being able to enjoy normal things or do normal things, eat slowly, or watch an episode of TV without being distracted.  Always rushing, never sinking in.

To add to the matter, I have vivid memories throughout my life of my father attacking me for this exact thing! Go figure.

“CC always rushing and frenzied where is her brain?

Oh look at her always running around foolishly in circles, chasing things

CC doesn’t matter how successful you become, your brain isn’t there – so absent minded

So absent minded, leaving things everywhere, how did she become like this? all of us in the family are so neat and tidy

you think you are doing all the right things and so good, but you can’t even keep your room clean, what is that?

Dear Anita,

I look forward to your notes about interpersonal skills, I’ve benefited very much from doing a workshop yesterday, sitting down and doing homework, writing things out. After I got off the computer with you, I read out loud to my husband to everything that I wrote down. It ignited a lot of conversation for two hours. It was so very productive, like our first couples therapy session without the therapist. Igniting productive conversation. It is the real work. For me solo and for him and I together. I look forward to doing more workshops like that, doing the homework solo, and some together.

Interesting that our topic today is rushing. Today, is a Friday, when I usually work with that mean lady. She is thankfully on vacation. At least the universe had my back given that I had a tough week, to work with her would’ve been very depleting. That goes without being said. But the point of the matter is that luckily I was able to leave work early today, in fact I am actually walking out of the door as we speak. It’s funny because the first thing that I thought about was that I shouldn’t be typing while walking, but I did want to get some thoughts out to you. Rushing is exactly this multitasking. So as we speak I’m currently sitting in a park adjacent to where I work, and writing to you. Focusing only on one task, thinking and writing.

Rushing is innate. I thought about the concept again, of myself at this  dinner table. Great visual. I thought about something a little bit different today. It’s not about just the role. You are right and we talk about Roles a lot, and assigning of roles. It has become my understanding that my identity is this a role of being super and rushed. Like saying I am super Type A go go go. Like a personality trait. But I noticed that it’s different than a personality trait.

90 percent of my issues would go away if I stopped rushing. This is not just rushing as in physical rushing walking fast doing things fast trying to multitask cooking three things at once instead of focusing on one. It’s Also the washing of speech, not thinking before I am speaking. Over engaging as a nature without asking myself do I actually want to be a part of this conversation. Habit, habit, habit.

Let’s take the example from London, this cousin was very rude to me yes for sure. That’s a fact. But let’s rewind, my husband and I spoke about this last night. I was over engaging with her. I don’t know this person inside and out like my own sister, yet I was giving her the attention and trust of someone I deeply know, so when I quickly became burnt by her I was very sad and hurt and disappointed. A wise and mature person would take their time and tread carefully with a person before jumping right in. Having boundaries, not rushing into caring about someone or trusting them, or believing that you actually know who they are.  My sister used to have this problem often growing up as she was very desperate to make friends so she would believe herself to be best friends with someone where earlier than was healthy.

Well, I see she’s not the only one, for example with this cousin when she brought up these topics about this guy visiting while we were all at this wedding, I could have thought about the concept before speaking instead of jumping into it to make sure that she felt secure and better about it. Who am I to make her feel secure and better about this when in fact her decision was foolish. I’m not her therapist or psychiatrist trying to call her deepest insecurities and fears. Of course this goes back to roles, and the idea that I was my mother’s therapist and psychiatrist so to speak so I don’t have the off switch for this when it comes to even people that I don’t know so well. But I don’t want to digress from our topic, rushing. I rushed into being a supporter for her during this scenario in London. I rushed into being her confidant for this. I rushed into giving her advice. If I had stayed more emotionally reserved and detached from her own personal scenario, I may not have also been in the Spitfire when her insecurities came. Husband was mentioning this today morning actually and he is absolutely right. It has nothing to do with whether she was right or wrong, clearly she was in the wrong. But I rushed myself into her lap almost!

Rushed into her lap so that she could poke and prod at me. Then I am disappointed and sad that someone that I thought was close to me and kind would treat me this way. Foolish!

So rushing leads to all sorts of issues

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Yes I agree. I am actually looking on the Internet for more of these workshop type things. Let me know if you know any resources like this whether it be books or online. I know you will be typing more notes in the future and I know there will be more prompts there as well. If I keep at it like it it is homework it can be truly life altering. I can see it already. Let’s see what content we both come up with as “homework”

Today I made not one but two appointments with therapists. Typical right, when I needed to do something I didn’t just do it once I made sure to have another option. I want to try 2 individuals out and see how I feel so I don’t feel anxiety of having to feel “stuck” I notice this anxiety of not having options (I will elaborate on that after)  also I know neither may be a good fit and maybe best of all will be working at home on workshops! But at least I can try

Well here’s the thing, the first lady I found seems great, she is a female that is probably in her 40s or 50s, she even called me on the phone for an initial phone call for about 45 minutes.

The other man is a PhD that as well written and our faculty at NYU, he has dealt a lot with a lot of trauma and his focus is including Marital and sexual healing. It occurred to me when I read that that therapists can actually talk openly about this stuff! See I never bring this up, not because I am simply shy- but the sexual aspect of my marriage is an afterthought these days. I hardly think of it – and it is not a priority as I don’t have any true joy or passion in that realm these days for a long time. That part of me/my life is entirely numb.

Clearly that needs to be attended to. Perhaps in couples and or solo therapy with this male therapist.

I will attend to the other part of your post in a little. I wanted to tell you that part first.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.