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  • August 2, 2019 at 10:41 am #306257
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am not surprised you are “entirely numb” that way. We haven’t talked about it, but I imagined it was so. I don’t feel comfortable talking about this subject, but using generalities I can. I misunderstood about workshops- I thought you meant just you and your husband workshops, like the HW+ conversation yesterday, no? And you are considering couple therapy with the PhD?

    anita

    August 2, 2019 at 10:51 am #306259
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am the same way about that topic and OK with generalities. I agree.

    Oh what I meant to say is the work that I was doing yesterday was using your prompts that you typed out – and my subsequent responses, I read it out loud to my husband. I called it a workshop, it’s just a term I used. It made it fun. As you saw with you – I bolded each topic and then wrote an answer underneath.

    So later in the evening – I read all of that out loud. It was so incredibly therapeutic and productive for me. For a moment I felt strange literally reading everything out loud to my husband like we were in school. But it was so helpful, and allowed him to put his own input in, and I calmly listened.

    I am considering couples therapy with the PhD. To be quite honest I don’t have too much expectation for either, because I know that the real work is in the mindfulness and the daily awareness and non rushing. However, it will be insightful to at least try and see what these professional individuals have in their toolbox

    August 2, 2019 at 11:05 am #306269
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Amazing, “toolbox” is a term my former therapist used frequently. I understand about workshops, just make sure that in these workshops you are not super you and your husband is… less super. Be humble, like him.

    Couple therapy is about the therapist making it safe for the two people to communicate with each other honestly. If you are not in that setting, doing this or that workshop, just you and your husband, make sure you are always safe for him to express himself honestly.

    anita

    August 2, 2019 at 11:41 am #306285
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It made me smile when you wrote “humble like him” as though you know him.  I loved that, because in fact it is spot on, and I did struggle with this yesterday.  At first powering over his input, or interrupting.

    Then realizing the point of sharing isnt just for the sake of it – but to listen…

    You also typed out the couples therapy prompts with the four columns of: I want/need  — how is this need me

    That is another one I want us to work on.  I will find more as well.

    As far as seeking professional help, it helps so many people – and it is worth a try.  Yes It could be quite frustrating to spend  loads of money without feeling satisfied.  But if you dont know it by now, I am not a very patient person – so I don’t see this trajectory.  Yet, I must be patient enough to give the therapy and person a decent chance…and have an open attitude when walking in.

    So at this moment, I am at home, sitting on my couch typing to you.  What a luxury! To be home in the middle of the day, comfortable and to be able to write openly and freely. No need to rush, nothing pending.  No plan, no person, no patient, nada.

    This is essentially what non rushing is all about..  Yet, we can’t always have these scenarios, being home, comfortable nothing pending.  Yes for the time being I want to enforce this, by keeping life simple but it isn’t a solution for the issue.

    Non rushing will mean that in every scenario to take the “re” out of the action like you stated.

    I thought about this on the subway, and thought about how I thrived yesterday doing the HW.  So I approached rushing systematically as well and not just intellectually, whatever language comes

    Wake Up:

    Rush to jump out of bed, dont make the bed, feel immediately pushed, ah – no time to make the bed or do anything.  Take a quick shower, so quick that its easy to forget if I even showered.  Put on clothes quickly and rush out the door with a granola bar.  Or if I have to take the dog out, take him down the elevator out and back as quick as possible.  Chop chop.

    Walk briskly to the subway, heck even run sometimes if I am running late.  Wait for subway, annoyed that the next one isnt here yet.  Get on to the cramped subway, so early in the morning all commuters, sandwiched like sardines, breathing in the scent of others.  Getting pushed around  by backpacks.  Alas, someone gets up I have a seat! I put on my headphones.  I either listen to music or listen to a podcast or watch a mindless episode of TV.  Often listening to music and typing/journaling are the go to for the next 15 – 20 mins.  That is a nice time.

    Okay off the subway – chop chop. I take a deep breath and enjoy getting off the subway downtown seeing the beautiful Brooklyn bridge and one of my favorite buildings.  but quickly rush to work.  Walk into the building, change into scrubs if I have to and ta da! Ready.  Go grab a coffee from the staff room and time to go!

    Work: work is naturally “rushed.” Well no I take that back, I can’t attribute it all to the fast paced nature of my job.

    No I can’t attribute all of frenzy at work to the fast paced nature of the job.   I in fact create half of this rush. I am known at work as one of the most efficient doctors that has ever worked there. Not because I was seeking out this title, it naturally became known very quickly after I moved there, started work. I despise inefficiency. So often even when I can feel that last rush, I will find a way to move things along even faster. I create this frenzy in me. Let’s say there is a few minutes between a patient I could easily go sit in the staff room and get an extra tea or something, but instead I will do the work that would be needed to move the fishing along faster. I’m not necessarily rushing the PATIENT.  I am rushing myself

    I don’t have a load more to say about the work aspect, when it comes to work I turn into autopilot. But what is important will be next.

    I am so frenzied to make it home, I literally run out of work. It is like I am so happy to be able to go home that I don’t even take a second to collect my thoughts. I am rushing out the door leaving the dust behind me. The commute home is less frenzied then in the morning it is less sandwich sardines given that the time I go home varies depending on the day. Here’s the thing, having the freedom to go home after a long day isn’t really relevant if your brain is still stuck in a rushed State. Yes it is hard to have an off switch when you have had to be so efficient at work, and turn into mrs. relax mode. But that’s not exactly what I’m asking for, I noticed today, I left work early. I noticed how I was multitasking and typing and walking. Something that is often a big pet peeve of mine when people do not look up when they’re walking on the streets of New York. Here I was doing the same thing. I felt this rush to get home as soon as possible. Why? Do I have to pick up a child from daycare? No. Do I have to rush home because my dog is extremely upset that I am out and have not fed him? No. Do I have to rush home because my husband is sitting there waiting for me? No. There is absolutely no reason to rush home. In fact if I actually went home in a more composed relaxed way,  it would be much better.

    That one month ago when we were talking about all of that divorce stuff. It was during this time that I sat in the same park. I sat there for hours. I talked to you and we talked everything out. By the time I was home, my husband was already home. Luckily I had cleared my head before walking in the door so that I could approach him with clarity.

    No, I cannot stay out every single day for hours walking around trying to gain Clarity. Yet the rushing has got to go – the rushing is even more detrimental to my husband given that he sees the brunt of it, the lashing out.

    <After work it depends on the day, sometimes I am making some food for dinner, sometimes we are ordering in or going somewhere. Often  I am going to the gym for some sort of class, sometimes my husband and I go together. Regardless, one thing is for sure I feel spent and exhausted. Nice recipe for lashing out I am rushing, spent and exhausted.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
    August 2, 2019 at 12:08 pm #306303
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Good description of you rushing in nyc, real activity there. But pay attention the following: for the last couple of hours I’ve been sitting comfortably in a reclining chair, can’t get more comfortable and sedentary, nothing is happening other than me typing, and yet, I rushed a few times. The initial rushing in all your real activity, home, subway, work and so  on, the beginning of it happens in the brain, the release of those chemicals that give this rushing experience, before moving a single muscle.

    “So at this moment, I am at home, sitting on my couch typing to you. What a luxury!.. comfortable.. No need to rush”- there is never a need to rush! To move quickly, yes, to work efficiently- yes, but not to rush except for a scenario of  clear and present danger such as a predator chasing you.

    That calm you experience on the sofa after getting home, that doesn’t last. Soon enough (already happened?) you will feel that rush-in-the-brain, that initial rush before moving a muscle. It is an uncomfortable feeling, I don’t like it.

    The momentary calm after work, it doesn’t last. There is no escape from the need to notice that initial mental rush and calm it, every time.

    anita

    August 3, 2019 at 1:45 pm #306395
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I hope you are well.

    Back to my notes from 2011: I cam across this note I made in Aug 2011, eight years ago: “In childhood, on to my twenties and thirties, my mother looked at me for the savior= the Jesus I was not. She did not see the human that I was”- I was wrong. She didn’t see me as her savior. It is similar to your mistaken view of your mother, thinking that she saw you as her savior. Children make this mistake, seeing oneself as powerful when powerless, it gives the child hope, a belief if a power we don’t have, and this delusion of power keeps us going, as children, and on. But because this is a delusion, it turns around and operates against us as we keep  spinning our wheels and always failing to … save the one who never looked at us as saviors.

    I wrote on that day, eight years ago, about my mother: “She placed me up on a platform and worshipped me” – she didn’t even respect me, let alone worship me. My goodness, I was quite deluded.

    Here is an email/ homework A (my former therapist) sent me August 20, 2011 regarding my life goals, including the goal of saving my mother, making her happy:

    “1) Who set these goals? 2) What choice did you have in setting them? 3) How do you know they were goals suited to you? 4) What would you have done had you had a choice in these goals? 5) What kind of support would you have wanted growing up? 6) How do those goals correspond to your emerging values..? I hope thinking about these questions will help you set new, short-term goals this week as part of your homework. Do the best you can, that’s all you have to do”.

    And now, quotes from the handout A gave me during therapy (Intrapersonal skills such as distress tolerance and interpersonal skills such as “asking for what you want- in a way that protects the relationship”. I will quote just bit and pieces because I know you can find material on the topics:

    “Advanced Distress Tolerance Skills: Improve the Moment: … Self-Place Visualization: Safe-place visualization is a powerful stress-reduction technique. Using it, you can soothe yourself by imagining a peaceful, safe place where you can relax…. Cue- Controlled Relaxation: ..  a cue is a trigger or command that helps you relax.. a word like ‘relax’ or ‘peace’. The goal of this technique is to train your body to release muscle tension when you think about your cue word… Rediscover your Values: the word ‘values’ can be defined as your ethics, principles, ideals, standards, or morals… Sometimes we forget why we’re doing something that’s hard, and this makes it difficult for us to continue.. remembering what you value can help you tolerate stressful situations… Take a Time-Out: Time-outs aren’t just for kids… Many people struggle with the constant need to please others, and as a result, they neglect to take cre of themselves… Live in the Present Moment: Time travel is possible. We all do it.. rarely pay attention to what’s happening to them right now, so they miss living in the present moment- the only true moment in which anyone can really live… Exercise ‘Where Are You Now?’ The next time you’re in a distressing situation, ask yourself the following questions: Where am I right now? Am I traveling in the future, worrying about something that might happen… Am I time traveling in the past.. Exercise: Listen to Now:… if you notice that your attention is beginning to wander and you start thinking about your past or future, focus your attention on something that the person is wearing, like a button on their shrit.. Sometimes this can snap you out of your time traveling… Use Self-Encouraging Coping Thoughts: …If you can recognize your distress early on, you’ll have a better chance of using one of these thoughts to help soothe yourself.. List of Coping Thoughts: ‘This situation won’t last forever.’ ‘I’ve already been through man other painful experiences, and I’ve survived.’.. ‘I can be anxious and still deal with the situation.’ ‘I’m strong enough to handle what’s happening to me right now.’.. Example: using coping thoughts, Distressing Situation: My boss yelled at me. New Coping Thought: ‘This job stinks, but it’s only temporary.’..Radical Acceptance:… Dialectical behavior therapy depends on acceptance and change, not acceptance or change… you accept something completely,… radically accepting the present moment opens up the opportunity for you to recognize the role that you have payed in creating your current situation. And as a result, it also creates an opportunity to respond to that situation in a new way that ‘s less painful for yourself or others. In many ways, radical acceptance is like the Serenity Prayer, which says: ‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference”..Exercise: Radical acceptance: What happened in this distressing situation? ___What past events happened that led up to this situation? ____ What role did you paly in creating this situation? ___ What roles did other people play in creating this situation? ___ What do you have control of in this situation? ____ What don’t you have control of in this situation? ___ What was your response to this situation? ___ How did your response affect your own thoughts and feelings? ___ How did your response affect the thoughts and feelings of other people?___ How could you have changed your response to this situation so that it led to less suffering for yourself and others? ___ How could the situation have occurred differently if you had decided to radically accept the situation? ___

    Basic Mindfulness Skills: … Wise mind is the ability to make healthy decisions about your life based on both your rational thoughts and your emotions.. For example, you’ve probably noticed that it’s often difficult- or impossible- to make good decisions when your emotions are intense, out of control, or contradict what’s rational.. Wise mind is a decision-making process that balances the reasoning of your thoughts with the needs of your emotions… Mindfulness skills will help you separate your present-moment experience from what’s happening inside you emotionally, thereby giving you a choice as to which one you’ll focus on… Emotion mind occurs when you make judgments or decisions based solely on how you feel.. your emotions control your life… The solution is to use wise mind to make healthy decisions about your life. Wise mind results from using both emotion mind and reasonable mind together…

    Mindful Communication with Others: Exercise: Mindful ‘I’ Statements: Now let’s look at some more judgmental ‘you’ statements and have you practice turning them into mindful ‘I’ statements. Write your alternative mindful ‘I’ statement in the space to the right of the judgmental statement.  1. ‘You make me feel horrible’-  _____

    Basic Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills: .. Passive versus Aggressive Behavior.. Exercise: identify your style: Think back over recent interactions in your five most significant relationships. Place a check next to the statements that reflect your typical behavior: _1. I go along with something, even if I don’t like it… _4. I give people a piece of my mind when they deserve it… _7. When there’s a conflict, I tend to give in and let things go the other person’s way…

    Key Interpersonal Skills: There are six core interpersonal skills that will change how your relationships feel: 1. Knowing what you want… 2. Asking for what you want- in a way that protects the relationship.. the basic idea is to put your needs into words that are clear, not attacking, and ask for specific behavioral change. 3. Negotiate conflicting wants. The willingness to negotiate starts with a clear commitment that there won’t be winners or losers. It assumes that each person’s needs are valid and understandable, and it draws of a willingness to compromise so that each person gets some of what he or she wants… 4. Getting information. One of the most crucial of all interpersonal skills is finding out what the other person needs, fears, hopes for, and so on. The major blocks to getting information are when you 1) falsely assume you know what the other person wants; 2) project your own fears, needs, and feelings on the other person; 3) fear appearing to pry; 4) fear hearing the worst possible answer; 5) don’t know how to ask or what to look for. 5. Saying no- in a way that protects the relationship. You can say no in three ways: 1) in a limp,powerless style that just gets overriden; 2) in a hard-edged, aggressive style that alienates people; or 3) in an assertive style that validates the other person’s needs and desires while setting firm boundaries around what you will or won’t do. The first two strategies undermine relationships because someone is going to end up feeling controlled and resentful… 6. Acting according to your values. Being passive or aggressive in a relationship diminishes both your self-respect amd tje se;f-respect of others because someone is losing out in the relationship- someone’s needs and feelings are being ignored… Ask yourslef, ‘What type of relationships do I want with other people?’ Do you want a loving relationship, a trustworthy relationship, or a committed relationship? … Acting in your relationships according to what you value is another crucial step that will determine the entire nature of your reationships..

    Blocks to Using Interpersonal Skills:… *Old habits- the aggressive kind *Old habits- of the passive kind *Overwhelming emotion *Failure to identify your needs *Fear *Toxic relationships *Myths

    Old habits- the aggressive kind:… Techniques for influencing others that utilize fear, shame, or hurtful psychological pressure are called aversive strategies. There are eight of them: 1. Discounting: The message to the other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid.. 2. Withdrawing/ abandoning: The message is ‘Do what I want or I’m leaving.’… 3.  Threatening: The message here is ‘Do what I want or I’ll hurt you.’ The most typical threats are to get angry or somehow make the other person’s life miserable. Here’s an example: ‘Hey, okay, I won’t ask you to help me again. Maybe I’ll ask somebody else.’ 4. Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person’s fault. Since they caused it, they have to fix it. 5. Belittling/ denigrating: the strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish or wrong… 6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that the other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and must be given up. Here’s an example: ‘If you don’t trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship.’ 7. Derailing: this strategy switches attention away from the other person’s feelings and needs.. Here’s an example: ‘I don’t care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt.’ 8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure, or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something they said, did, or wanted. Here’s an example: John said, ‘I’m not really in the mood for hiking; it’s boring,’ after his partner was unwilling to invest in a new camera.

    … Toxic Relationships: Relationships where people use aversive strategies on you can make your interpersonal skills very difficult to use. No matter how determined you are to be assertive rather than aggressive or passive, people who blame, threaten, or belittle you can often trip you up and make you want to explode or run away. The best solution is to get away from these folks. They’re not going to change, and you’ll never stop being vulnerable to their attacks…

    Guidelines for Relationship Effectiveness, Keeping the Relationship– A way to remember these skills is to remember the word ‘GIVE’- (Be) Gentle, (Act) Interested, Validate, (Use an) Easy Manner.

    (Be) Gentle: Be courteous and temperate in your approach. No Attacks- No verbal or physical attacks.. No threats.. No judging- No moralizing. No ‘if you were a good person, you would..

    (Act) Interested: Listen and be interested in the other person… Don’t interrupt, talk over, etc. Be sensitive to the other person’s desire to have the discussion at a later time. Be patient.

    Validate: Validate and acknowledge the other person’s feelings, wants, difficulties, and opinions about the situation. Be nonjudgmental out loud: ‘I can understand how you feel, but..’, ‘I see that you are busy, and..’

    (Use an) Easy manner: ..Smile. Ease the person along. Be light hearted… Use a ‘soft sell’ over a ‘hard sell’.

    Guidelines for Self Respect Effectiveness: Keeping Your Respect for Yourself

    A way to remember this is the word FAST

    (Be) Fair: Be fair to yourself and to the other person.

    (No) Apologies: No overly apologetic behavior. No apologizing for being alive, for making a request at all. No apologizing for having an opinion, for disagreeing.

    Stick to values: Stick to your own values.

    (be) Truthful: Don’t lie, act helpless when you are not, or exaggerate. Don’t make up excuses.

    anita

     

    August 3, 2019 at 5:59 pm #306433
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your post today. I woke up today with extremely severe muscle tension, I’ve mentioned headaches to you before, and it was one of my worst ones. It makes sense, a sfor me like clockwork usually this body muscle tension is a combination of the stress from the prior week or two. Our body keeps the score. Yes it does. And I know very well this is my body’s way of talking to me  I resent it at times but it’s reality

    I tried not to get angry at this today, I quickly jumped into ways to ease the symptoms, I live in a modern society, I am educated, and live in New York City there are tools at my fingertips, I can use them to bring out the best in me.  As I should. Annoyance and questioning the situation won’t “self soothe”. This Term that you have taught me is very important. So what did I do? I took a pain reliever, which I seldom do. I went to a yoga class. And I got a 15 minute massage. Did one of those things help? No. But the combination of all of them, I feel like a new person eight hours later. Look at that.

    And that’s just it, knowing yourself, knowing that you are not super, knowing that you have to take a time out and do such things even when times get tough.

    I will read all of your post tomorrow and Monday. This is all very important work for me. I notice how I had a very rough two weeks, perhaps a true depressive episode, doesn’t matter the term – But looking back all of July culminated to a week of rage and true distress this past week. I see it you saw it. I am only human. It is true and real. I cannot judge it. I have to work on it. Simply and straightforward with the right goals and homework.

    I questioned many times this past week if I am just going in circles, if my healing path is not going NET positive. I know today after utilizing three treatments to cure my headache and muscle tension – That yes, I am still going net positive. BUT (huge but) I need tremendous help and support. This is not just support as in I need support from other people, I need it for myself. I cannot visualize myself as just a normal member of society working hard like any New Yorker, no I have had unusual level of trauma and therefore have an unusual amount of distress that I unload. So at any given moment my neurons are activated with past trauma. I must be patient with this. I must change my life to accommodate this. Yes I must change my life to accommodate this. Whatever it may be. Because if I don’t, I will have no life. No life at all.

    I am taking the rest of the day easy just like I already did. Have something to eat and have a nice rest I hope. I will talk to you soon. Thank you as always my dearest Anita.

    And lastly –

    There is no judgment on how we spend our day, who or what. If we feel good and we feel some softness in our heart that is all that will ever matter

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
    August 3, 2019 at 9:36 pm #306475
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    It is after midnight your time. I sure hope you are sleeping, very much hoping you are resting. No need for you to read and reply to my notes from 2011. You can save them maybe, in a private document for later. A few weeks or months from now, or whenever. I will be back tomorrow morning.

    anita

    August 4, 2019 at 2:40 am #306487
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I woke up too early today. But what was my voice today? Was it anger like it was last week. No my voice today said this thing first and foremost: it’s OK meet yourself where you are.

    It’s common when individuals are depressed to have a early morning awakenings. It is classic textbook. I have known about this for years, in my mid 20s when I first started experiencing terrible symptoms this was my first issue, no matter how sleepy I was I would wake up way too early. It was difficult then because then I would have to go to med school lecture around 9 AM. So I was never here nor there, too early to function, too late to fall back asleep. It created a world of frenzy beyond what was already there.

    Here’s the thing today. It is Sunday. I have no plans. I made it that way. So what if it is 5 AM now? Then maybe in an hour I will take my dog out for a run, maybe my husband will be awake then too. We both are early risers because of our jobs anyway despite this issue of mine. Then I can have a nice breakfast and maybe even take a nap. God forbid I do something out of order in the day,  God forbid I waste a day with 85° outside in New York City taking a nap.  Half of my battle is judging myself for having to accommodate my life for what I am going through. But listen, if I had a patient coming in with all of the symptoms, and let’s say they said they don’t want to be on any medication, at least not yet. I would say, you need to accommodate your lifestyle.  Every single day

    I have been what you call a hard ass when it comes to Goals. If you tell me that you want to lose 15 pounds I will find you a wonderful do-able regimen so I can make it possible for you. I do believe in strong will tremendously. But, perhaps half of my issue is the strong will and perhaps stubbornness.

    Going back, I would tell the patient that she must accommodate her life to fit what she is going through. Do her friends want to go out for a late night drinks? Sorry you can’t make it you must focus on self-care and foods and times that work for you or anxious mind. She says but she doesn’t want to isolate herself because she is single. I say OK then hopefully make a plan the next day that includes lunch and perhaps a walk.

    I have done this before mentor to young women who are dealing with chronic pain or anxiety etc. and given them a rubric on how to modify some lifestyle choices in order to fit their ongoing anxiety. Not become an entirely different person, but small changes here and there can make a world of  difference

    So why don’t I do it for myself? I thought about it yesterday. The three treatments of mine. None of which really took much time out of my day. Isn’t it hilarious that in New York City you can pop in for a 15 minute massage. Of course only here tired New Yorkers that want to have a quick fix. Oh and how perfect it was, my muscle tension around my neck and head was so severe I couldn’t have lasted longer than 15 minutes. It was the perfect treat. And perfect treatment. How easy and accessible and instant relief. Too good to be true?  No. You just have to do it without excuse or guilt.

    You’ve told me many times in the past when we were writing in the past, that I should write a book. When you said that I believed you, I knew you were not just saying that just to be nice. I truly believe this. But of course at this current state and over the last few months, if I think about that there is one thing that comes to mind. Sure It could be excellent to help others with a book or otherwise. But I am not doing the best job helping myself. And helping my marriage. That comes first. It is ironic actually.

    So yesterday in my little friendly cheap massage place owned by Chinese people who hardly speak English, And get down to business quickly and efficiently. The young Chinese girl says to me, wow you have a lot of pressure and people sitting on your neck right? I laughed, I said Yep you don’t even know.

    I know for a fact how I carry my stress. I know it because it’s me, and I know the medical reasons given that it is a part of my field, and I know the psychology reasons given that it is a part of my learning. Great. Then what?

    How often have I done what I did yesterday to really find instant treatment for it? Hardly ever. I used to be on 24 hour shifts when I felt like this in the hospital having no ability to find treatment.  I used to be taking an exam, Having no ability to find treatment. I used to be in the middle of work, texting my mom fiercely, having no ability to find treatment at that exact moment. Or feeling like I couldn’t. Stuck in this role.

    That’s not now. I notice that I don’t realize that my life has changed.  I noticed that I still live in that same state, feeling stuck. That fight or flight. So programmed to feel like this crouching battered child. The visual a crouching fearful child that is hovering over tight neck poor posture pain pain. Can’t go anywhere. Stuck sad suffering.

    When I was getting this 15 minute massage yesterday and laughing with this lady, i thought to myself why don’t I ever do this? It doesn’t take much time, and it’s very inexpensive. Going back to New York City there are options like this at my fingertips I literally walked two seconds across the street. So why not? Because I am stuck in the world I lived in before without options.

    I have become blind to this Anita. Sure not blind in the conscious sense, I know there are resources, yes I go to the Gym I eat well, and I try to do some self-care. But it’s bigger than that. Open my eyes it’s bigger. Let me explore this here with you.

    I am a 33-year-old woman. I will be married for almost 2 years. I live independently with my husband we are both financially independent together as well as separately. I stop talking to my mother almost 2 years ago. It appears in writing that this would lead to some sort of independence. However I have not really Felt any different. Or more free. See what feels different is the fact that every single time my phone beeps I no longer jump, every time my phone rings I no longer have a sense of dread. Every single moment of mine is not enveloped and enmeshed in my mothers anymore. Yet having the pattern of living like that for so long, and the guilt associated with not living like that has not allowed me to really change despite losing contact with my mother. I am not free.

    I think about how they talk about prison inmates will go out into society, they often suffer, almost missing the prison life because that is what became home. Not knowing how to actually function in the real world, feeling lonely and scared, and hopeless out there. Seldom coming across opportunities that they find fulfilling. Actually what is fulfilling, depending on the number of years they were in person they don’t even really know who they are or what makes them happy.

    Well this is not the same, but when I woke up too early today I had that positive thought first. Afterwords was a negative thought, it was this: oh god not again, back to waking up too early here we go. Feeling completely backwards back to the mid-20s in medical school look where this was a chronic daily thing that was terrorizing my life.

    I need to stop looking at this as one big chapter. Yes all of this started a long time ago, way before I even realize based on our work -back in childhood. And yes it dealt with so much repression. Yes ongoing repression and numbness, some emotions coming out, thousands of more of emotions still stuck, that will come out when they want, how they want, and perhaps with therapy and our work together, maybe come out in more appropriate ways.

    But it’s like a zombie person, not realizing that they stopped talking to their mother, yet they don’t feel any different or act any different.

    In a zombie state.

    We Spoke about this two years ago, you said the term, here in lies the true work. I believed you, I knew it. But what I see now is that yes it is the true work, but it is also the true feeling of not really having moved forward.

    Anita, I am still frozen and stuck as though I was living with my mother. In so many ways, not allowing myself any true mental freedom to do exactly what I need to do to make myself feel better. I thought I was doing that, able to utilize my free time doing many other activities then be stuck visiting my mother or on the phone always. But mentally it didn’t change anything. I’m still very much stuck. Nothing changed until now perhaps.

    Flashback comes to mind right now, a curse almost. My mom said something towards the end of when things are getting really bad: “well you just wait you can lose your parents you can do whatever you want. But you’ll never be happy. The type of person who does that will always suffer you’ll see you will get your punishment. And of course I don’t believe in being given a curse like this. But in many ways it is true, but not for the vindictive  reason that she mentioned.  Not because she cursed me with a lifetime of unhappiness for ditching her.

    So perhaps I am going around about, it’s not that I don’t allow myself the simple luxuries of getting a 15 minute massage when I have a terrible migraine headache. It’s the fact that I even use the term luxury. I have Not for a second stop in my tracks and said, that I have to meet myself where I am.

    I want to continue the thought above, so I can’t see this as a whole picture. There is a whole picture I have an abusive set of parents. It has caused me a lot of harm. But right now I have to think about it like this, my step of this journey now is learning to live a life that does not feel stuck with my mother. Reminding myself that I have my own autonomy, and any sort of guilt I have even if it comes out in other ways that deals with other people such as friends, has entirely to do with feeling stuck with her.

    For example if I have guilt about texting a friend back, it really has nothing to do with my friend. It has entirely to do with my mother. For example if I have anger when I get up to early in the morning like last week, it has nothing to do with the fact that I had perhaps one hour Less sleep, it has entirely to do with my mother. Why?

    Well on that day I had the rage episode I told you about, and later on I kept thinking about how it’s too much, how I feel like I am so over extended. OK so I should quit my job. I have said it’s OK, my husband said it’s OK. Nope don’t want to do that? OK get rid of one major thing that you involve yourself in. Okay next.

    Why knows, there are options. There are things that can be done to CHANGE the scenario. To CHANGE LIFE.

    If I constantly focus on the fact that this is an ongoing saga of my life, I feel very stuck to that fact that any change is possible. Change is possible. Change has to be made.

    Walk yourself two seconds across the street get the 15 minute massage and notice right before your eyes how change is possible. Just like that.

    Wake up too early but go on the couch and look outside, and journal or write to you. Not Be filled in with anger. Oh silly girl, you don’t have a medical school lecture in a few hours. It’s Sunday you don’t have to go to work. You don’t have your mother calling you within the next hour screaming at you about something. Oh silly girl you don’t have any of that coming up so you will spend the day however you want.  You will do whatever it takes. You are no longer with your mother.

    I wanted to reflect on what you wrote on Friday, that I have to remember that these other woman or not my mother. And in the same breath I have to remember that I am not their Savior, I am not a savior at all.  When I think like this I am with my mother. When I bring this sort of thought process to anyone or anywhere, it is with my mother. I am my mothers child a puppet running around the world and utilizing her thought processes. Like her little minion.

    Oh look Mom look how horrible that lady was at work, like you said look how bad people are. Oh look mom look how horrible that cousin was at the wedding, look how horrible people are like you said.  Affirming my mothers negativity.

    But what, jumping into the lap of these people. Never having appropriate distance at first. Feeling  uncomfortable with appropriate distance.

    If you ask my sister she would always say this thing. When I came home from college, she was living at home. It was like I would come home with all the stories and entertainment for my mother. I would come home and load up the house with all these funny stories of what was going on at school and what this person was doing and that person. It was like I was coming home as a famous talk show host constantly entertaining expertly

    Fast forward years later, late 20s, this wasn’t exactly the case. But, and this is when my sister comes in. She would mention that even when there was silence I would find something to talk about so that my mother would be entertained. Even if it was petty gossip. It was like I was subconsciously always fishing for some strange topic so that my mother would be engaged. Oh remember so and  so well things are not so great in her marriage anymore. Oh this oh that.  I would endlessly talk about people. My mom would know details about my friends that no mother would, the weirdest stuff. So much detail. All topics of conversation. Not all negative per se, but just the fact that the topics were other people. Often it could be positive, but of course with a negative twinge. Oh look at her she found a great boyfriend, Lucky her, girls like her always know how to win a guy over. Lucky them. See negative after all of course. But thinking oh look how close we are my mom and I.

    So when my sister would tell me this as we got older, I noticed it. I told her how I don’t even like to gossip, in reality I don’t, in my real life when I am studying or dealing with patients I have hardly any time to talk about nonsense like that. But yet when it comes to my mother I regress into the strange petty gossipy person. It’s almost like this visual of this professional woman in society and then she goes back to her hometown and begins to smoke cigarettes and talk crass with the townies. Not knowing how to relate to them otherwise, regressing back to her “old ways.” jumping into that mode.

    But when it comes to me and we have talked about this all week. That really isn’t my old way. That really isn’t the old me. It was just a role I took on based on my experience with my mother. Just like yourself and your writings recently, we both thought that we were saviors, we’re doing great for our mothers. But really we were doing nothing at all for them, they have no respect for us, actually the word Jester is perfect, a silly little jester coming in with some jokes and entertainment, not really having any value or respect by the client. Mean Client says OK that will be all, come again next time. Jester thinks oh man maybe I made a lasting impression, I guess not.

    So I feel this need to be an entertaining jester to other people. Of course they don’t ask for it. Of course not! That is laughable. But I cannot turn it off, I am seeing my mother in all of these other people. I like above, I am not living any differently than if I was with my mother. In fact I am seeing these other random woman as my mother. Whether it be that I am overly chatty and too quickly close to them, like with my mom. Like the cousin, orSeeing them as a personal threat like the mean doctor lady at work.

    It ain’t personal as they say.

    My mother no longer exists. Stop trying to keep her legacy. I must delete her in my surroundings. I must delete her power in myself.

    Whether I see her in other people or whether I continue to act like she is still there saying jester dance dance talk. Telling me this is who I am.

    But wait a minute, she never said that, it was something that I started to do naturally!  Actually as I got older my mother would tell me that this quality of mine was foolish. That I needed to talk always and was always calling my friends up and talking for hours. How ironic!

    My mother no longer exists. I must change my life and accommodate that. I can change my life and accommodate that.  I must mentally detach from thinking that I am still her daughter.

    Thats it. I must remove the daughter role. I will reflect on that today it will be very important. We will talk that out perhaps.  I am no longer her daughter. Or this daughter to the world. No not at all.

    I must live as I am no longer her daughter.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
    August 4, 2019 at 3:31 am #306495
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    One more thing before I head to the park. I’m going to rename this thread mentally self-love. As of now, self-love comes first, before trust removing the daughter role and tuning into self love.

    Self love. I shall reflect.

    August 4, 2019 at 7:31 am #306505
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Regarding your Sat post, you wrote that you woke up yesterday with a headache and “extremely severe muscle tension… the body keeps the score”, then: “I quickly jumped into ways to ease the symptoms…self soothe... I took a pain reliever.. went to a yoga class. And I got a 15 minute massage… I feel like a new person eight hours later.. knowing that you have to take a time out and do such things even when times get tough… I am only human”- excellent, self soothe and time out, relieve the symptoms.

    “I questioned many times this week if I am just going in circles, if my healing path is not going NET positive”- can you believe it: I used to question if you were on the healing path at times in the past because you didn’t feel bad enough. You were too positive, too energetic, I used to ask myself: where is the (expected) low point where Cali Chica is feeling depressed, discouraged, doubting it all? Well, here it is, has been recently, so in my mind, yes, you are on the healing path, net positive.

    I keep reading your Sat post, part by part, responding to each part before I read the next  (I wrote above before reading the following): “I am still going net positive. BUT.. I need tremendous help and support”- ah! I see, you needed to feel this bad to realize that you need a lot of help, more help than you thought you needed. If you didn’t feel this bad, you wouldn’t have realized you needed help and wouldn’t be looking for it, and without it, no progress. I see!

    “I have had unusual level of trauma and therefore have an unusual amount of distress.. So at any given moment my neurons are activated with past trauma.  I must be patient with this. I must change my life to accommodate this”- correct.

    And you are welcome, dearest Cali Chica.

    “There is no judgment on how we spend our day, who or what”- identify her judgment when activated, her words, her pressure on you to go, go, go and dismiss it as her judgment, not yours.

    “If we feel good and we feel some softness in our heart that is all that will ever matter”- she was hard, your mother, this is why she was so cruel to you, and to your sister (and to your father. And in her comments about other people). She was hard. You choose softness.

    Sunday posts, again, part by part, like before: “I woke up too early today”- first thing I looked at was the time you posted, I hoped you would sleep until later. (Interestingly I hoped I would sleep until later, didn’t sleep as well as I hoped).

    “my voice today..: it’s OK meet yourself where you are”, good principle. “God forbid I waste a day with 85 degrees outside in New York City taking a nap”- your mother pushing you, go out, don’t miss this! Interesting, the words: “God forbid”- it is your mother that did the forbidding of relaxing, not rushing.. god/ mother, for a child, same thing.

    Half of my battle is judging myself for having to accommodate my life for what I am going through”- you accommodated your life so far for what she was going through!

    “you need to accommodate your lifestyle. Every single day”- yes, choose mindfully every single day, instead of having your lifestyle chosen for you still, by your mother.

    “I so believe in strong will tremendously.. strong will and perhaps stubbornness”- this makes you the amazing (notice, not super) Cali Chica, this makes you special and will serve you very well on your healing path, just as it had served you. Thing is unlike a goal such as losing weight, emotional healing from such long term, severe emotional abuse is a way more complex task than losing weight.

    “Do her friends want to go out for a late night drinks?”- my feeling as I read this: s*&^ the friends! For crying out loud, your life depends on your healing. Accommodating friends, superficial socializing, what for, what is the stupid purpose of that (oh, yes, your mother, for her it was The First Commandment, though shall make friends)!

    “my muscle tension around my neck and head was so severe”- this tension, pain inflicted by your mother. She is no longer in your life in person, but .. what did my therapist call it in 2011 (I copied that to you), “your mother left you with a legacy of pain” he wrote to me.

    “You’ve told me many times… that I should write a book”- I thought about it shortly this very morning, how what you are going through now is necessary for that book.

    “But I am not doing the best job helping myself. And helping my marriage”- exactly why after you do a good job helping yourself and your marriage, the book will reflect that. Some of the chapters will need to be written after. The Wellness Center, same thing. If you pursue the two, both will have to happen after your mental health and the health of your marriage are in place. You don’t know yet how to help others best because you didn’t help yourself yet, to that level. And you weren’t helped enough.

    “people sitting on your neck… you don’t even know”- I know.

    “I still live in that same state, feeling stuck.. Stuck sad suffering.. stuck in the world I lived in before without options… I am ..33.. married.. live independently.. financially independent.. stop talking to my mother almost 2 years ago.. However I have not really Felt any different. Or more free”- simplified, our brain is formed during those formative years of childhood, a chemical habit, a thinking, believing, feeling- habit and then, it is done. We keep experiencing life emotionally and mentally same as then, we keep reliving our childhoods.

    “almost missing the prison life because that is what became home”-  our formed brain is home, unfortunately. It is all we know.

    “when I woke up too early today I had that positive thought first. Afterword was a negative thought.. oh god not again..”- as a child you woke up with a positive thought as well… before the negative entity aka your mother, rained on your parade. This morning, same thing.

    The “chronic daily thing that was terrorizing (your) life” was your mother.

    “repression and numbness, some emotions coming out, thousands or more of emotions still stuck… I am still frozen and stuck as though I was living with my mother… my step of this journey now is learning to live a life that does not feel stuck with my mother… these other women (are) not my mother.. I am not their Savior, I am not a savior at all. When I think like this I am with my mother”

    “When I came home from college… I would come home with all the stories and entertainment for my mother… all these funny stories… It was like I was  coming home as a famous talk show host constantly entertaining expertly.. even when there was silence I would find something to talk about so that my mother would be entertained… I would endlessly talk about people… So much detail… the topics were other people.. gossip.. nonsense like that… a silly little jester coming in with some jokes and entertainment… I am not living any differently than if I was with my mother… I must mentally detach from thinking that I am still her daughter.. I must remove the daughter role… I must live as I am no longer her daughter”-

    – the engaging, social butterfly Cali Chica, an entertainer, she has to go. It will be awkward, as you sit or socialize with people who know you, they will notice you are different. There will be a pressure on your part to be like before, otherwise the people will be alarmed: what happened to Cali Chica?

    It may take making new friends. Friends from the past that you want to keep- let them know that you will no longer be that engaging social butterfly. Do not worry, Cali Chica, the social butterfly skills will serve you in a different context, for example, in doing the PR work in a future practice your husband will start, that Wellness Center maybe, but then, it will not be silly, gossip and nonsense, it will all be for a reasonable purpose, starting a practice, for example.

    Regarding the paragraph of quotes: “repression and numbness… thousands or more of emotions still stuck..” and regarding not being your mother’s daughter anymore:

    I have something for you, Cali Chica, something I know because I am experiencing it these very days, part of my healing process. This is valuable information taken from a very personal experience: there is one emotion that is stuck, the core of the onion of emotions, so to speak. There are many layers, one core. The core is Fear. On my daily walk yesterday I felt it. I know anxiety all too well, had so much of it, no less than you. But yesterday on my walk, it was fear, just fear. I felt it in my hands, the surface of my arms. It scared me, thought/ felt, it can get worse, what if it never goes away.

    The brain/ body doesn’t want that fear, not knowing if it can survive it. That fear feels threatening. You can’t make it come out of hiding/ repression by a will power or stubbornness or any kind of choosing. I should say, it takes multiple choices along the way, a long way, to make it possible for the brain to let it go, to un- grasp that fear, keeping it in check, underneath awareness.

    I suffered many symptoms of repressed fear, all results of the brain/ body not wanting to feel it. As you remember your mother now, when you remember your childhood, you don’t remember that fear, I am sure of it. Not that raw, powerful fear. Neither do I, but I felt some of it, just it, the fear.

    Fear is keeping her in charge, your mother, that is. Choose to quit the social butterfly role, and do it, no matter how awkward it feels, and you are making one choice that will bring you closer to releasing that fear from its tight hold underneath, in that core.

    There is nothing that professional therapy can do for you unless you quit the social butterfly role, in very practical ways, really act different, noticeably different.

    You can try it and see how it feels, to act unlike yourself so far, can you do  that, is the question. If you do, we (you and I, here) can take it from there.

    And “Self Love” reads fine to me, you choose the title of your thread.

    anita

     

    August 4, 2019 at 10:52 am #306531
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Fear is keeping her in charge, your mother, that is. Choose to quit the social butterfly role, and do it, no matter how awkward it feels, and you are making one choice that will bring you closer to releasing that fear

    Yes Anita. I read this post and will read again. I made some decisions this morning regarding social butterfly role. As this role has nothing to do with physically spending time with others or going to events. The role is all in the mind. The fact that I even use the term “role” the concept is in the fact that I adopted it as a ROLE to begin with! This social butterfly role is far more than not texting people and not going to weddings – it is the wavelength of my brain and priorities. It is shifting “identity” and it will feel awkward at first. With myself and or others. I experienced some of that today already. On a day I didn’t have plans. Go figure- because it’s mental state.

    I felt fear this morning on my run in Central.

    I didn’t think it was fear. But reading your post I Kno it was.  It was like feeling like a kid in a big world not knowing my place. Woken up to early showing up feeling vulnerable and exposed. I’ll elaborate more on that later.

     

     

    August 4, 2019 at 11:54 am #306535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    On my walk today I realized I didn’t explain accurately and didn’t qualify the fear I felt on my walk yesterday: I felt the fear while thinking about my mother, in the context of thinking/ remembering her. Of course I felt fear all along, ongoing fear, repeatedly, this is anxiety. Key is to feel it in context of the mother. See how I use “the” mother, not “my” mother? Fear of her is in me, and it is activated all day long, repeatedly because is it disconnected from its experience in childhood.

    This is the principle behind PTSD  (Complex PTSD)- fear detached from where it was originated keeps getting activated.

    Feel it in the context where it was originated and it goes where it belongs- to the past, in that context.

    Regarding the social butterfly role, notice when you are with others, let’s say at a restaurant in the evening, with husbands and friends, make it clearly obvious that you are not doing that role. If others don’t notice the difference, it means you didn’t quit the role on that outing.

    anita

    August 5, 2019 at 8:09 am #306635
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    C-PTSD, fear detached from its origin.  I have read so much about this “diagnosis” or set of symptoms, pathology.  But it wasn’t until I read this from you yesterday that it actually made sense to me.

    Thank you for being honest and telling me that you questioned if I was on the path because I was too positive, energetic, etc.

    I too questioned this often, but in a different way. Wanting to feel more than push through – wanting to not continue driving the car – feel that the car has to stop and get some gas or it won’t go on.

    I saw this superficially – annoyance at others and plans, annoyance at the wedding email, annoyance at everything. But yet not feeling the true “broken-ness”

    I learned from you that we can not truly “feel” the weight of our entire trauma, our bodies and minds protect us from it or else we would not survive. For people like myself, my body and mind have been doing such a good job of shielding and protecting, that it becomes detrimental now.  I don’t have the voluntary choice to remove the armor bit by bit, it surely doesn’t work that way.  Yet, there are tools that  I can utilize to help the process

    Unlike last week, I am going to write to you whatever comes to mind, not following a rubric.  I feel open with many thoughts today so I will let them flow.

    Yesterday, my husband and I had a fabulous day. One for the books.  For many reasons.  First of all the obvious.  Beautiful (non humid thank god) day.  Exploring a part of Brooklyn we hadn’t together, and perfect ambiance.

    Now to the more important.

    I woke up with a text from S asking how my London trip was.  Instant dread I had.

    Woke up to remembering my sister texted me last night (nothing important) more dread.

    Woke up to text from L, she is going through her own journey, of emotional change – similar and different than mine, very much emotionally intelligent.

    This is key, not for others, but for me.  If I am to relinquish the social butterfly role it is the in-the-moment fear that is key.  So I will spell it out for myself and for you.

    So. I Noticed fear – fear of not responding of course! Where did this fear come from – ok voice says this:

    S always is so responsive and has been such a supportive friend.  She was there for me so much during my wedding, I should do the same.

    Oh my sister hope she is doing well, sometimes I think she is a ticking time bomb.  No wait, its been months since she has been this way – in fact I AM the one who has had much more distress recently and she has been supportive.  Change the narrative.

    Change the narrative.  Changing the narrative is beyond my sister.

    So I thought about something my friend L had said before, speak your truth.  So this is how it went.

    S – Dear S, London was great but too hectic, what I needed is down time.  In fact I have been having a rough time since returning.  I am struggling to keep my head above water and finding it hard to gain mental space – that I need.  I won’t be able to chat as much as usual as i need to preserve my energy for healing.  Thank you for your love and support as always.

    Done.

    Sister – glad you had a great night.  Logging off today going to spend the day with my husband in BK.

    Done.

    L – so glad we have been sharing our journeys, over the next few months I will be more solo in my journey, I must stick to preserving some mental space that I need as I have been having an increasingly tough time.  Thank you for understanding and for your love and support.

    Done.

    I then went to take a shower….

    In the shower at first…dread – what will they say.  My husband was washing his face and brushing his teeth at the sink next to the shower.  Usually I chat with him during this time.  He says, wow quiet in the shower. I said yeah..

    He asks what’s wrong.  I tell him about the texts.

    He says great – whats the problem?

    I say I am not sure, I Feel bad sending that, what if they don’t get it – I mean S, she doesnt have experience with emotional difficulty/trauma – so she may not.  The others sure yes.

    He said, cmon this is your closest friend from college, you and her go way back, she is so supportive.  I said yes you’re right.

    I take the rest of my shower deliberately, instead of soaping my whole body and not remember if I did (yes we all know that feeling) I took my time.  I washed my hair slowly and gave my self a scalp massage.  I took my time.  No it wasn’t natural at first, but it isn’t supposed to be.  I told myself outloud almost, that doing what is “innate and natural” isn’t working.  Thus deliberate change must be enforced.  In speech and in physical movement.

    I didn’t go check my phone abruptly right after, as I always would – anxious about the responses.  I allowed myself to get ready like a “normal person” as I say.  Taking my time, brushing my hair.  These seemingly normal tasks are not normal to me as I am always rushed in the morning given my early hours, and my habits now.  Even on weekends rushing to get ready to go somewhere.  I found myself annoyed “god why can’t I always have this type of time!!?” and I stopped myself.

    “rushing is in the mind” as Anita says.

    I have the time today, so embrace it.  That’s it.  It is practice and it is truth.

    So after it was all said and done, I communicated out loud – I said I am ready to go.  My husband comes into the bedroom and says wow you took your time to get ready, that was nice right.  I said yes.

    I now look at my phone.  No responses.  Feeling the physical discomfort.  The shoulders tensing.  Then reminding myself that I got myself a nice massage the day before to combat this, to enjoy the results of it a little longer.

    We headed to Brooklyn, taking the long leisurely route.  Exploring along the way, nooks and crannies, coffee shops and eateries.  I enjoyed it, I truly did.

    We walked across a bridge during which we started to get into an intense conversation about jobs, and where to – weighing pros and cons.  Then i look up and see we have walked halfway across the bridge, one of the most exquisite views  – and I didn’t even realize it.  I say stop. I physically stop.  I shake my head (physically) and say.  Lets not talk about this today.  Lets enjoy this view, we don’t get many days like this.  Well I take that back, whether we do or don’t lets enjoy this.  We don’t have to “over enjoy” because we don’t get many days like this.  Lets just walk.

    This reminded me that my husband and I have both formed patterns of rushing.  a) because of my tendency but also b) because the nature of our schedules.  It is important for both of us to remind each other.  Gently.

    You taught me last week that I am not assertive.  I am not assertive at all.  I can become aggressive yes, but assertive no.

    Assertive is to assert what you want/think/need in an appropriately balanced way.

    Since I have not been doing this, I end up with severe frustration, annoyance, and rage.  It takes a higher level ability to speak your truth in an effective way – and especially when it comes to your spouse, in a way that is safe and gentle – non attacking.

    The rest of the day goes on.  I receive a reply from both of my friends.  Long supportive text messages saying they are here for me and that I should do whatever it takes to feel better and take all the time i need, and that they admire my strength.  2 different friends, similar responses.  It was nice to see this.  In fact I shouldn’t have been surprised.  My husband is right.

    And there goes the fear, fear that is detached from true root, fear that is entirely unwarranted.

    I was never ever able to speak my truth with my mother.  I recall one Thanksgiving 2 years ago or maybe 3 now.  We had gone to my mothers house the weekend before (my husband and I were engaged).  The plan was to go to my in law for Thanksgiving itself.

    My mother calls me frantically the week of Thanksgiving (a very busy week at work for us usually, many people trying to get surgeries before the holidays ensue).  Telling me my cousin is having a holiday party – the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend.

    I tell my mother, then slowly and kindly (I had seen a psychiatrist earlier that month I recall beginning of November and he had advised me to speak slowly and effectively – sure).  I tell her, I understand she is having a party this weekend.  But we are going to in laws (2 hours north) on Thursday – FRiday.  It will be difficult to come to cousins house SAturday (2 hours south).

    I will never forget it.  I was living in CT at the time, and my commute home from the hospital was 3 minutes.  3 minutes.  I don’t remember driving home, I don’t remember parking the car in my parking lot and sitting in it for half an hour.  She went crazy on the phone. So what you don’t care about yoru own family now.  Look if his mother asked you to go over for the holiday you would – just like that drop everything.

    Your cousin is inviting you, and you two never make it anywhere.

    I become angry, “mother we have difficult jobs and schedules”

    her response – everyone does.!!! How ironic, one day bragging how her daughter and future son in law are so educated and busy,  but now of course, diminishing our careers and hectic lives.

    She goes on and on…and whatever happens, I leave it that we can’t come, and I will let my cousin know myself.

    So Thursday comes around, when we are leaving for my in laws, Thanksgiving day.  My father calls me.  He is on speaker with my aunt.  They are talking to me like they are in a hospital chamber.  My father says, your mom is not doing well.  We are at the mall with your aunt and she almost fell over.  She is uncontrollable and we don’t knwo what to do.

    Don’t know what to do. got it.

    So pretty much my mom is hysterical and distraught with emotion that her daughter can not celebrate this holiday (which by no means has any  value to her) with her.  OH wait a minute we were JUST AT THEIR HOUSE LAST WEEKEND!!!

    she is on the floor can’t move this and that.  The whole saga was so terrible Anita that i was in tears uncontrollable.  So terrible.  She then (which I find out) had called my mother in law that morning.  So my mother gets on the phone and talking like an insane person.

    I talked to HER. I talked to HER. I told her how dare you try to manipulate these kids into coming over.  DONT YOU KNOW HOW BUSY THEY ARE. always trying to lure you two to her house.  and look at you, fool.  jumping right over! see they are controlling you right before your eyes, and your future husband – you can’t even stand up to him.  no not at all.  oh what a shame.

    and it went on.

    I was so distraught, top 5 times.  So bad that we didnt even end up going to my in laws.  Imagine.  The rest of the day was spent with my husband consoling me.

    We ended up going the next day – “secretly” making sure that my in laws wouldnt tell my parents.  what BULL****

    HOW STUPID ANITA, WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So yes Anita, there is fear in my speaking my truth.  Yes

    Because look what used to happen when I did.  ha! Displaced fear.  yes very much.

    August 5, 2019 at 10:19 am #306659
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Excellent mindfulness practice and three perfectly worded assertive emails !!!

    Regarding your mother’s histrionic displays- I am very familiar with those. You  may find it hard to believe, but your mother did not top mine as far as histrionics go.

    “The whole saga was so terrible.. that I was in tears uncontrollable. So terrible”- yes, I think I know what you mean. I am sure you’ve seen children throwing temper tantrums in public, maybe in a supermarket. The mother reacts assertively to the child (rarely happens, I bet), or aggressively or passively, doing nothing about it, going about her business shopping.

    The mother of the child throwing a tantrum is never afraid of the child. Observers, shoppers, think it is a nuisance, all that racket, but they are not afraid for their lives or for their physical safety. Eventually the child calms down because her mother is leaving the supermarket and the child is afraid to be left behind, alone.

    Now, let’s change the roles: the big mother is throwing a tantrum.  What does a child do? Can’t possibly conceive being assertive with the mother, or aggressive and being calm enough to not respond and go about our business as before- that is not an option, not a possibility.

    Instead, we are traumatized, fear takes hold of us, that dread you mentioned in your mindful recent post. We are afraid of this big, out of control mother, fearing for  our very lives.. why this out of control thing can kill us. Can’t figure what that monster can do next.

    anita

     

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