Dear Anita,

I did in fact have a light weekend. Thank you for hoping that for me. Much lighter than the past previous weekends for at least a month or so. I read your last post. In order to gain hope, we must understand where the hopelessness came from. We must know that we were not born with this hopelessness, it was inflicted upon us by the mother trauma.

The terms: hope and faith

Have come to me quite often recently, I mention that to you in the earlier post. The Sanskrit words for these terms are quite beautiful, and they seem to resonate in my mind on a daily basis.  I noticed that colloquially to have hoping to have faith does not really mean much to me, but the true definition of it has been lost along the way.  Talking about all of this fertility, possible baby stuff, I have About what it must be like to actually parent a child.  The concept of if the mother is going through a hardship, how does she display it to her child? How does she show her pain and fear in an authentic way, but but not to traumatize a child. I’m not of course asking these questions for either of us to answer, just something I’ve pondered. Food for thought. About not really being a parent per se, but about human display of emotion as well as healthy emotional stability.  And more than anything the concept of distress tolerance really fits in here as well. In a rudimentary way, tolerating distress so as not to jump to emotions that are not a true indication of what you are feeling – acting out.

Then I thought about things that I have watched on TV, and things that I have observed in other people, including my own mother in law. The concept of showing emotion, even defeat or sadness, but still having a glimmer of hope, positivity, and determination. How special and strong this is.

As above I have thought about the terms faith and hope, but the term strong has a mixed feeling for me.

So many ways, to me being strong is in many ways powering over another human being, or powering over my own self and feelings. And when he weighs my being strong has been exceptionally helpful in my getting to where I am, but now detrimental for me to remove my armor.  Moreover, the term strong was used by my mother and so many ridiculous Waze. She would commend the strength of others who are not emotional. She would also commend the emotionality of individual’s who are hysterical Saying how they are so true and full of feeling she would come and individuals who were totally unlike her, saying how they were strong and she was sweet. Well I make a correction, saying how they were strong and we were weak. Always making things a WE.  Throwing my sister and I into her depravity.

So somewhere along the lines, but idea of what true strength means and the importance of it was lost on me. In many ways, strength equals hardness. Of the work I have done with you, and recognizing concepts of softness and tenderness, I have learned that hardness is that armoring that protective mechanism because of all the drama.

I know it will take time, but slowly slowly I will learn that the hopelessness is not intrinsic or innate in me.

The most important thing is that I truly have faith and belief that hope is within me.  That softness and tenderness are within me. I know this. And that’s really what matters.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.

A new point for me, that she already has taken from me.  As in the performance in and of itself is what is helpful for her.

The star in the light  – sole performer on the audience, with a large microphone.  A captive audience -myself.

 She already took from you all the help she needed from you, but you didn’t know it. You kept thinking that you are yet to help her

What a lifetime of waste!! You know your saying, all the efforts were in vain.

I thought about this today – but for another reason.  It may seem off topic, but in my head it is not…

On Saturday after speaking with you, my husband and I went for a walk to Central Park.  Dogs are not allowed off leash in the middle of the day, but we have found some secret areas – hidden gems- where we let Bodhi off leash and let him be free.

My sister asked what I was doing.  I paused, didn’t answer immediately out of rush or knee jerk pattern.  i asked my husband – good idea right.  He said sure, her and her dog can join.

So she did.  The dogs played, we relaxed for an hour.  I was aware of what my husband has said, that he doesn’t like who I am around her often, this entertaining jester. I observed myself from the moment she walked towards me to when we left.

I observed the following.  A feeling of “rush” or uneasiness started as SOON as I saw her in the distance walking towards me.  A shifting of the gears, going from relaxed disengaged, to engaged.

Engaged, invested, on point.

I wondered why…and I thought the following – and writing naturally without judging what is coming out, not saying it is true or false, just what I felt and observed, many of which could be a bias of mine, or not..doesn’t matter for this conversation. – I guess a disclaimer

– I saw her face as she was walking towards me, she looked pensive or in her head, it felt immediately necessary for me to “perk her up” or entertain her.

-I saw how her expression changed as she was my dog run to her, all smiles, I thought to myself, it was in my head that she looks down or pensive. CC just because someone doesn’t look all thrilled and happy doesn’t mean they need fixing, you will learn that

-While we were hanging out, it appeared she was calm and not frenzied.  I stopped myself from over talking, over compensating, putting on that jester role.  But I do know that there is a difference between when she was there, when I was more disengaged enjoying nature, than when she was there.

-my husband had to leave because we had late lunch reservations.  I observed myself, I felt a small twinge of guilt or anxiety – thinking oh i am going to have to say we are leaving, feeling bad – a slight amount nothing overwhelming.  feeling the need to over talk or over compensate by saying something like : “gotta go but we will do this again soon.”

– but I didn’t…and she was normal and fine too.  she said okay awesome that was fun enjoy your lunch

-as uneventful and normal as could be…

I write all the above down to journal.  To see the situation from the outside – uneventful not stressful not frenzied.  And from within – patterns, twinges of guilt, deep rooted tendencies.  But I did not act on those patterns.

So this morning early in the morning – and I have told you that I do not answer emails or texts as soon as  I wake up – as I don’t want to create more rush in my AM routine.  I see a message:

Hey that was so fun letting them off leash together, we should do that more often – maybe even on weekdays.

Instant dread Anita.  Instant feeling of “oh no here we go – pressure”

The text did not say, do you want to do this or that – it did not ask for anything specific – but still.

It taught me something very very very big, and I will try to word it best  I can:

A huge part of my uneasiness and feeling of pressure comes from the role I have had with my sister.  It does not matter if she has changed or not, that pattern remains.  And the feeling that she is baseline lonely and I have to entertain her.

I notice now that she has good friends, a good job, and a life of her own.  It is up to me to create patterns that suit me.

So I did:

i responded later when I had a chance:

Yes that was fun! Weekdays will be tough as I am focusing on doing less activities so I am not rushed, but yes would be fun on another weekend when we are both free.

Her response:

“oh I didn’t mean after work, just meant in general”

I thought about it —well she said maybe we can even do it on weekdays – so wouldn’t that be after work? hmmm

And then I sotpped, no need to ask or say more.  I got my message across:

NO, I can not engage in social activities with you on weekdays.  Weekdays are for work, and for me to come home not rushed, do something good for myself whether it is relaxing or going to yoga etc, and approach dinner and time with my husband in peace.

She already knows based on the last few weeks I was in a tough place and deleting many activities on the calendar and making active change.  This includes everyone. It means time for me.

It also reminded me of this thing my husband has said many a time – and now that you have seen my inner circle more closely it may or may not make sense.

It sounds harsh but he has said to me: your sister isn’t as smart or “aware” as she lets on.  She likes to think she is, because of how you are – but she isn’t.

I would usually go to her defense.  But I see now.  She is 27, young, finding herself in her own way.  I see that for what it is, doesn’t mean she is inferior.  Just that her needs are different than mine.  And I am happy to practice voicing mine – and soon without any guilt!

Like you said in that post – when it comes to social CC, I will have to make active changes, and if the other person does not NOTICE or SEE a difference, I am not doing it enough.

Yes, precisely.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I agree and am also impressed that she does not burden me with her anxiety or uneasiness any longer.  But as you said, it is enough to trigger me of course.

You pinpointed in your point EXACTLY why I am triggered, starting from a far.

And also, her taking back as she is used to me responding aggressively.  Resenting her for being burdensome, and having caused issues for myself and my husband.  Recalling back in December when we moved here to NYC having to focus more on getting her moved in and settled than our own selves – how this rushing was not something I was aware of then – but looking back oh how much rushing! Instead of easing into our own move into NYC as a married couple, throwing everything to the side to help my sister.

I  believe my response was good.  To the point, not mean or rude, but also direct.  So as if to say, sorry no my own health and relationship is the first priority, but if and when I have mental space I can socialize with others, including you.

She is supportive of this as she understands what my needs are.  Yet it is always up to our own self to continue to assess our sometimes ever changing needs.

This made me think of something just now.

My last patient was a young healthy woman.  She denied any medical problems including anxiety.  It is uncommon for patients especially in the socio-economic circle of the practice I am in, and in NYC to deny having anxiety.  Often if they do, it is because they are unaware they have it, or simply don’t feel they are anxious.  Yet, there are some people who do not feel daily baseline anxiety.  Which is excellent for them.

This woman would fall into the latter, I could tell, well based on meeting her for a small amount of time that is a very broad judgement I know – but for conversation sake let’s go with it.

It made me think about how for me, how anxiety is SO much dependent on my interaction with others.  Yet, if you put me in a hole far away without this interaction – it is not like it will all go away.  My brain has been wired a certain way of course due to mother trauma.

Yet, I thought about it.  IT all goes back to rushing.  It reminded me how you mentioned last week, sitting in a recliner, typing away, yet you still rushed a few times.  As rushing starts in the brain before action.

So no matter what it is – for me it goes back to rushing.  It’s just that interaction with others makes that even worse potentially if the individual is triggering, or in the case of my sister brings me to this patterned role I had with my mother.  In these scenarios the neurons are amped up even more ready to fire, and so rushing is overlooked.  It is when rushing is overlooked that it is even more detrimental.