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  • October 3, 2019 at 8:13 am #315771
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Less dichotomy and distress if you thoroughly understand this reality, which took me a long time to understand, and it is true regarding my mother and yours-

    The world of a child is pretty much Mother-and-me. This is it.

    The world of the mother is many people, Maria the cleaning lady/ friend, the neighbors, husband’s colleagues’ wives, the hairdresser, extended family members, and so on and on and somewhere in that world there is the child, not very significant.

    So when she asked you for advice (“give me the answer to my problem”)- she was just rambling to you, not seeing you as the other member of a two-person team.

    “Act how  I want you to”- same sentiment she had with everyone, not just with you; “don’t have your own personality”- same thing, her attitude with everyone. Look what happened to your father- if he had a personality, it is gone long ago, she squashed it.

    “Make your mother happy, but why aren’t you happy you ungrateful child?!”- again, nothing personal. Didn’t she repeatedly say that Maria was ungrateful, and the hairdresser she went on a vacation with?-

    – nothing personal.

    For the child, everything regarding the mother is personal. For the mother- not at all.

    “working our whole lives (in vain) to make our mothers ‘happy'”- because the mother means so much for the child and the child inaccurately projects this, thinking  incorrectly that she, the child, means so much to the mother.

    All in vain- because we were never important to her, so she didn’t even notice our efforts, we were in the margins of her world, not worthy of her paying attention to who we are or what we are about.

    anita

     

    October 3, 2019 at 8:29 am #315775
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It is such an odd thing, and of course sad, that we were never important to our mothers.

    It seems like such an unfathomable thing, as it is against human or animal natural instinct.

    This is why I often refer to my mother as another species, deranged – as it is an uncharacteristic quality.  Yet, in every species, even in nature–There are mothers who neglect their young, their cubs, their eggs, whatever it may be.

    I often think about what it would have been like to be neglected, instead of over “obsessed over” with feigned love – just to be tricked. Well it doesn’t truly matter.  But it would have been apparent early on that this mother is truly unloving, versus seeing this mystery pan out years and years later.

    Truly accepting that our mothers never loved us is the key to healing of course.  But as you say, that is only the beginning.

    I have thought a lot about my baseline hostility since that conversation of ours – it was so pivotal.  Truly life changing.  Observing daily with all my interactions.

    I notice that I have baseline hostility, but have so many glimpses of that “wagging of the tail” daily.

    No unadulterated joy, no feeling of light and free – of course not.  But that would be foolish to even expect that at present.

    But I know somewhere on the horizon it exists, I can see the outlines forming..

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.
    October 3, 2019 at 9:05 am #315785
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “it is against human or animal natural instinct”- not so. In nature mothers do protect their children to an extent, but only to an extent. Not long ago a doe was standing by the fence in the front yard looking at her fawn  some distance away, close to the house/ to me (the threat). She waited for her fawn, somewhat distressed.. but not enough to go and  get to the fawn and lead it away from the threat.

    Also, I’ve seen multiple times young fawns following their mothers- the fawns are 100% focused on the mother, eyes on the mother, following her. The mother on the other hand didn’t look back to see if the fawns were following her, didn’t check on them. She was looking straightforward, at what was in front of her.

    In nature, the primary focus of the mother is to make it to the next birth, more offspring. She protect existing offspring some, but protects herself more (so  to give birth to more). On the other hand, the fawn focuses exclusively on her mother because without the mother, the fawn will die. There is no more of anything if the fawn loses her mother.

    Now, looking at our mothers, projecting them into nature, it would be something like this: the fawn following the doe, the doe than turns around and bites the fawn, the fawn bleeding. Then the doe says: how dare you bleed, you ungrateful fawn, or some such thing.

    Coming to think about it, mother rabbits when hungry do eat their young. Animals in captivity, such as in zoos and cages elsewhere do become aggressive while not so in nature.

    “I often think about what it would have been like to be neglected, instead of over ‘obsessed over’ with feigned love”-

    – it reminds me of the true life story of Joseph Mengele, Auschwitz’s famous doctor, doing all  kinds of inhumane and most cruel pseudo medical experiments with prisoners. A big group of prisoners were the Gypsies. Mengele got to really like  this gypsy boy, he brought him candy, dressed him in a beautiful suit and had him dance or perform however he did in front of his colleagues, being proud of the boy, seemingly liking him. One day, in a casual way, he led the boy to the gas chamber and went about his business as usual.

    I don’t think he feigned his liking for the boy, he just didn’t value the boy as anything important. I bet for the boy that monster Mengele was Everything, his very survival. Not the other way around.

    anita

    October 3, 2019 at 4:08 pm #315883
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Suffering for ourselves, or others Does not lead to any benefit for anyone. It is rehabilitation that is our healing.

    Let us focus on not choosing what might be innate to us, that is to feel bad. Let us instead focus on what can bring us peace.

    I will try to do this over this weekend, and perhaps you will too. My birthday is on Monday and after work tomorrow until Sunday, I hope to spend some peaceful quality time with my husband, and the few people I may select to bring in this new year. Oh what a year it has been.

    I will message you on My birthday. As of coarse our conversations and my progress here with you, is the real work, the most important of all over this past year.

    Talk to you Monday – May you have a peaceful next few days.

    October 3, 2019 at 4:15 pm #315887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I made a note of your birth date and am well aware of it. We thought of maybe meeting in nyc for your birthday! If we did, I would have loved to meet your sister as well as your husband, of course. And the dogs.

    Have a peaceful Fri-weekend and I hope to have that too.

    anita

    October 7, 2019 at 4:46 am #316441
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Today is my birthday.  I am 34.

    I feel about 30-31, but hey what does it matter.

    Age often feels strange for people like us, and by us, I mean people who have been in the shadow of trauma for many years of life- and often not actually have felt that they truly lived many years, or even decades.  It feels odd sometimes to say I am X years old, because you think – “where did all that time go.”

    I used to feel very sad about this, and birthdays were very emotional for me.  Not the type of emotion where you wake up crying and enveloped in your feelings – no.

    No, for me it was suppressed emotion causing discomfort, anxiety, pain – stuckness, rumination.

    Today I see – I am an adult.  But I am young at heart in many ways.  Most of all – I am free.  Age is nothing without freedom.

    Freedom is everything.

    I have done an incredible amount of work freeing myself from the wrath that is my mother.  And now on a daily basis I work (and with you) on the path – of healing.

    Some days this path is burdensome and it feels like it isn’t life.  Other days it feels like, oh I guess the only life there is.

    Today – I know, that it is a large part of my life, and yes it does define my life.  As it has become important with each progressing day to make choices that allow me to feel good.

    Feeling good is the only goal – and in a real honest, wholesome way.  Not fleeting compulsive good feelings.

    Feeling strong and grounded, free to make my choices, and have the power to not be overburdened with guilt and worry – that is what my life is about.  That is what my daily work is for.

    I have spent my entire life, over 30 years, wow – learning to focus on the outside – out there – there – outer world.

    And only over 1 year, or a few months – 3 months lets say – wow, have I learned to focus on the inside – in here – inner circle.

    Can you imagine? Undoing over 30 year of patterns, behavioral ways, neuropathways – in a few months.  How uncomfortable, how distressing, how difficult.  Yet, this is the work – it is the only way for a full and free life.

    Thank you Anita, I look forward to speaking to you today when you wake up.  And yes, we had planned for you to visit NYC during my birthday – oh what a treat, for myself, and my husband and sister too.

    Well, perhaps next year – but I know by then – we will no longer be in NYC – we will be in the next chapter of our path, the healing will continue, elsewhere – slightly more calm and quiet.

    October 7, 2019 at 6:50 am #316453
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    reposted in mistake, talk soon!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.
    October 7, 2019 at 7:27 am #316459
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “suppressed emotion causing discomfort, anxiety, pain”- that describes what happened to you perfectly.

    “Freedom is everything”- freedom from suppression from without (the mother, the person) and from within (her representative within us).

    “I have done an incredible amount of work freeing myself from the wrath that is  my mother”- our mothers did two things to us: first, they hurt us and that was personal; second, they told us every person out there is bad and will hurt us.

    “Some days this path is burdensome and it feels  like it isn’t life.  Other days it feels like, oh I guess the only life there is”- you described perfectly how this healing process feels to me.

    “Feeling good is the only goal- and in a real honest, wholesome way. Not fleeting compulsive good feelings”- once again, perfectly said.

    Using your words, I wish you today to be strong and grounded, free to make your choices, to not be overburdened with guilt and worry. May you celebrate today your own work, your accomplishments on the healing path, doing the uncomfortable, distressing and difficult work and persisting, as is documented here since 2016. You are awesome-

    Happy birthday !!!

    anita

     

    October 7, 2019 at 7:36 am #316461
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wish those things for myself as well today, and to feel stronger and more grounded each coming year.  I know I have all of the resources and support I need to maintain that.

    I wrote 2 posts to you here this morning, and just read your email.

    Thank you so much for that personal piece of information, I know how much it means to you.  I wonder, if that “X thing you shared (without divulging here)” means as much to you as perhaps you mean to me.  Of course, there is no competition or comparison – but the person/persons/situations that helped us on the beginning of the path, guided us through that rocky beginning – and helped us see the light, when we couldn’t — those people are everything.

    You are that person, for me.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.
    October 7, 2019 at 7:46 am #316467
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Reading what you wrote, “You are that person, for me”, this is something so very special to me, to read this. I can hardly believe it, that I can be that person for someone else, and being that person for you, really? I ask within, this is amazing. I think this sentence will repeat in my mind today. It almost feels like it is my birthday, a special day.

    When I am on tiny buddha I don’t have a vision of my email, so I will see your response there, if there is one, later.

    This sentence is your gift to me this Monday morning. Thank you.

    anita

    October 7, 2019 at 8:31 am #316481
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am glad to give you this gift today.

    This birthday to me is about appreciating people, those in my life I may have taken for granted in the past – NOT because I am a bad person, or that I deserve to suffer, as we both know that suffering will lead to no benefit for anyone.

    I was blinded in the past by the mother, and suppressed, by her in my life, and then her omnipresence within me. I am beginning to see the light slowly slowly, month after month – and my birthday is a huge part of that.

    See in the past my birthday was all about the outside, as I mentioned before.  So much pressure on those close to me, like my husband in the past, to do exactly what I wanted.  And looking back it wasn’t that I was a diva or entitled, but more that I was gripping on so tightly to the idea of what mother said is — “happiness”

    See, Anita, I was chasing the mother, a monster’s definition of happiness, learning about happiness from someone that not only has never experienced it herself, but also the person who single-handedly robs it from another! How ironic!

    I took her definition of happiness with me, in my pocket, wherever I went, near and far – always to come back at the end of the day and say hmmm -still not happy, what is missing, sigh – gosh what else, let me seek for more and more,.

    And it wasn’t until yesterday that I Realized that I have no idea what happiness and peace really are.  I was basing my entire definition from someone who fed me a lie.

    Happiness is simple, not complex.  Happiness to me is also appreciation and gratefulness.

    I am grateful for my dear kind husband, and look forward to the path ahead of us, as it is just the beginning.

    And you,

    Well, yes you are that person to me…for me.

    Yes, you are.  I am glad to give you the gift of knowing this on my birthday.

    It may be hard for that to sink in for you, if you’re anything like me, so many thoughts, hard for large moments to sink in.

    Yes – I bet.

    But that is okay.  I, today, want you to know that are this person for me.  And for this I am forever grateful, and I do know it is a win-win for us.  Which is even better. It is excellent.

    A win-win illuminated on this day that is my birthday.  What could be better? A win-win to start off the year.

    October 7, 2019 at 9:11 am #316499
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Win-win between the two of us is what it always was and will continue to be, I have no doubt.

    This morning when I gave you what felt to me like a gift to you, I had no idea that I will be receiving a gift from you, what a delightful surprise.

    Regarding happiness and your mother: she terrorized her two daughters, pressuring them and rushing them to be happy. It can never work. She terrorized you in your daily life to go, go, go, make friends, spend time with friends, be happy! She terrorized you before those vacations she planned, packing and preparing like crazy, and then once in the fancy, exotic locations, she terrorized you (and your sister) to go, go, go! Basically she terrorized the two  of you in the setting of a beautiful house and swimming pool, and in the setting of fancy vacations, so much so that your sister asked you in one of those vacations, an ocean setting, how to enjoy herself, or how it is supposed to feel or look like, her enjoying or being happy. She didn’t know.

    A person can’t be happy while being terrorized, no matter the setting!

    anita

    October 7, 2019 at 10:16 am #316515
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, I am glad you gave me a special gift – and I was able to give one to you too.   I will respond to your email shortly.

    You are right, trying to be happy while being terrorized! It sounds outlandish if you think about it generically, out of context! Like being chased, and simultaneously being told to relax and slow down!

    This is what I meant by dichotomy – so much in our lives were a dichotomy, but not a “true dichotomy” when analyzed – its just that we were often given contrasting signals and developed difficulty having: Self Trust

    “hmm I am being chased by something scary, so I am running (naturally without thought – fight or flight) – but the monster is screaming: relax slow down!” But when I do, I feel scared and he doesn’t stop – what to do?

    That “what to do?” question became almost absent (at least for me) – it became knee jerk.  Above, run run run run away, but then go home and feel bad for not “listening” to relax and slow down – and being UNABLE TO do so.  Gosh stupid CC why couldn’t she simultaneously run away and relax and slow down – gosh why not!

    Why not?!

    Because it is impossible to be terrorized and find any semblance of peace!!

    October 7, 2019 at 10:47 am #316535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    And then your father criticizing you for being in a rush (when you parked in the garage, loud music playing), both of them criticizing you for running, for not being present. Your mother chasing you and then complaining you did what any living thing does when chased- run if it can. And then your father completely oblivious to what has been happening in home for decades! Not seeing his wife doing the chasing, sometimes joining her in the chase.

    Happiness on a long term basis means being calm, feeling comfortable inside, to just be. Being chased makes it absolutely impossible to feel comfortable and calm here-and-now.

    I mean, if you stay here, the chaser is going to get to you. Got to run.

    anita

    October 7, 2019 at 10:53 am #316539
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Happiness on a long term basis means being calm, feeling comfortable inside, to just be.

    I feared just being.  Feared I was missing something.  Seemed to good to be true – to stop and pause, not run.

    Of course always feeling that I was being chased, even when I wasn’t – of course! After a lifetime of being chased, who wouldn’t.

    And yes my father, we don’t talk about him as much – but an integral portion of the toxicity.  My father loud and clear:

    “Oh you fool, look at you, never able to slow down – you will never be happy with that way of life!!!”

    No, you are wrong father and mother – I will never be happy if I am forever chased, I gracefully exit the marathon.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.
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