July 17, 2022 at 10:41 am #404150
I am impressed that you read through the 13 pages of this thread, and I am therefore motivated to answer you further. First, I will repeat what you shared with quotes (I will be grammatically edit the quotes a bit for an easier read).
You shared that you are 20. All your friends had girlfriends when you went to school, and still do, but although you are sexually attracted to women, you “never dated anyone before… never had any (girlfriend). I always wanted to focus on my studies… always scared of entering a relationship with a girl”.
You therefore question your sexuality, thinking that maybe you are gay or otherwise, “less a man”.
“Something in my mind keeps on saying that I am less a man… … Usually at night… I fall asleep imagining life with a woman I love, raising children together, but when I wake up those thoughts (questioning my sexuality) come back and make my day horrible… I am scared that l will never be in a relationships with a girl coz those thoughts make feel less a man… will l lose sexual interest in girls one day.. I am really confused: sometimes I want to be in love with a girl; sometimes I don’t want love. I ask myself if it is because I grew up without a father and didn’t experience the love of a father”-
– my feel/ guess at this point is that you are afraid to be in a relationship with a woman not because you are gay or less of a man, but because you have had a problematic relationship with your mother. Maybe (I am only guessing here), maybe because your mother does not have a husband, she turns to you for emotional support of the kind that a son should not be giving his mother. For example, she may be telling you too much about how she feels, as if she is your age, or you are her age, as if you are a friend instead of a son. Anything like that?
anitaJuly 17, 2022 at 11:40 am #404152
Growing up until now I have never stayed with my mother ,me and her separated when I was 6 years old because she got married to my step father so I never had a close relationship with her but she has been financially support in my life so I always stayed with my granny and the sisters of my mother so as they always showed me loved but their others things I am afried to to talk about them to them which I needed the support of male to guide me which I did not have but iam okay with that so usually that is true I and my mother have been having a relationship of something like friendship and I have never trusted a girl in my life except my mother and his sisters so l would struggle a most when it comes to creating a friendship with women so even those thougts are affecting my life negative been in this really help me iam learning to accept every emotion even if it is bad or good I believe that one day I just sit and look at how I fought against those thoughts as I believe they happen to any one and they are improving our minds to be stronger in future problems like thoseJuly 17, 2022 at 12:08 pm #404154
I need to be away from the computer for a few hours, and will be back to you later. Can you elaborate on your relationships with the women in your life: your granny, your mother and her sisters (” is true I and my mother have been having a relationship of something like friendship and I have never trusted a girl in my life except my mother and her sisters”)?
anitaJuly 17, 2022 at 5:29 pm #404166
“(I was) always scared of entering a relationship with a girl… I have never trusted a girl in my life“- the good news as far as what concerns you, is that you never dated a girl not because you are gay but because you never trusted a girl and therefore you were always scared of entering a relationship with a girl.
“There are others things I am afraid to talk about to (aunts, granny, mother) which I needed the support of male to guide me which I did not have“- you needed a man (a father) to guide you about how to become a man. As a result of the absence of such guidance, you feel “less than a man”, if I understand correctly.
I imagine that you have had questions in regard to courtship and sexual behaviors that you needed to ask a fatherly figure, questions that women wouldn’t know, or questions that you would be too embarrassed to ask an aunt… or worse, a granny! Since you are in this thread anonymously, you can ask me a question. I assure you that I will answer you thoroughly (following a research if needed) with outmost sensitivity and respect. Maybe there is a question that bothers you so much, one you never got an answer for… and maybe, just maybe I can help.
“Growing up until now I have never stayed with my mother ,me and her separated when I was 6 years old because she got married to my step father“- did you ever feel hurt about your mother perhaps choosing another man (her husband) over you? I wonder if this makes you feel like a lesser man, as in a lesser man than your step father?
I know that these questions are difficult and I don’t expect you to answer them. I definitely don’t want you to feel terribly uncomfortable trying to answer them. So if you don’t answer, it’s okay with me. I am asking because maybe I can be of some help to you, however small.
anitaJuly 17, 2022 at 11:02 pm #404173
Growing up I always wanted to understand women because it has been always difficult creating a relationship with them I always wanted someone like a father to help me understand to teach me how to love a women , how to take care of them , what qualities a men should have ?
And yes most of the time l would feel like my mother choosed my step father over me l feel worthless of love like I didn’t experience the love of both my parents and another thing which I thought affected me that my father has denied access to when I was young only started talking to him nowJuly 18, 2022 at 9:58 am #404186
I understand how it happened that you felt that your mother chose your step father over you. Young children’s brains are free from past life experiences that could distort seeing current reality as it is, and so, they perceive what is happening correctly, just as it really is. Your mother really did choose a man over you. I know of mothers who chose men over their children in many ways, and it always hurts the child to not be chosen by his (or her) mother. When mothers do that, it is never because their child is worthless of love but because they (the mothers) are selfish.
“l feel worthless of love like I didn’t experience the love of both my parents and another thing… my father has denied access to when I was young only started talking to him now“- You feel worthless of love but you are worthy of love. The adults in your life (your mother, the ones in her family who decided to deny access to your father, your father) made a few major decisions based on what they wanted and how they felt, not based on what’s best for the child (you)
“I always wanted someone like a father to help me understand to teach me how to love a women , how to take care of them , what qualities a men should have?“- I mentioned being selfish, above. One quality you should have in regard to a relationship with a woman is to not be selfish. Also, you should find a woman who is not selfish. And when you and the woman have children, you should make major decisions based on what will be best for your children.
How is my guidance so far? If you like it, I have more.
anitaJuly 20, 2022 at 10:55 am #404292
Yes your guidance so far helped me I wish to have more as for the past two days l was able to feel more better as it’s looked like everything is coming together like my life is becoming normal again and gaining some confidence but those thoughts still come again during the day and now I eventually suffer from difficult breathing especially at nights but in the morning I wake up feeling good the problem start during the day and eventually become bad at nightJuly 20, 2022 at 11:39 am #404294
“for the past two days l was able to feel more better as it’s looked like everything is coming together like my life is becoming normal again and gaining some confidence” – perhaps because you understood yourself better, following our conversation, your anxiety eased.
When confused, anxiety goes up; when thinking clearly, anxiety goes down.
“but those thoughts still come again during the day and now I eventually suffer from difficult breathing especially at nights but in the morning I wake up feeling good the problem start during the day and eventually become bad at night”-
(1) habits are very strong, very persistent: not just physical habits, but mental habits. These thoughts (questioning your sexuality) have been occurring in your brain for quite some time, and so they are in the habit of reoccurring. Our conversation led you to a better understanding but it did not (and could not) eliminate any mental habit,
(2) seems like you wake up without anxiety, but the anxiety starts building up during the day and reaches a peak at night, (3) the thoughts regarding your sexuality carry anxiety with them, so the more you think them, the more your anxiety.
There are a few ways to lessen habitual, obsessive thinking and the anxiety that goes with it. One way is the pharmaceutical way, seeing a medical doctor and being prescribed with medications that aim at doing this job. Another way is the non-pharmaceutical way: applying emotion regulation skills, including setting and following a daily routine that includes daily aerobic exercise and mindfulness practices such mindful breathing and listening to guided meditations.
Which way do you think would work for you, and are you aware of what I mentioned above in boldface?
anitaJuly 20, 2022 at 12:13 pm #404295
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I will try the non pharmaceutical way and yes iam aware of what you mention in the boldface and so is it normal to lose sexual desire when experiencing anxiety</p>
July 20, 2022 at 12:42 pm #404297
“Is it normal to lose sexual desire when experiencing anxiety“?- anxiety is fear. Now, think of nature: when an animal is busy eating or mating, or playing- once it hears a noise and feels fear of a potential predator, it immediately loses any and all desire to eat, to mate, or to play and all it’s attention is: the potential predator.
Same applies to humans, being that we are animals after all.
anitaJuly 20, 2022 at 8:34 pm #404313
Regarding more guidance in regard to relationships with women: it is very important that you choose a woman who is not aggressive (ex. yelling) or passive-aggressive (ex., giving the silent treatment as a punishment). A healthy, loving relationship should not include arguing and fighting. Problem solving and conflict resolution can be done in peaceful, assertive ways. It is very important to have a relationship that is SAFE for both parties, no aggression by either party.
anitaJuly 21, 2022 at 10:59 am #404331
A little guidance tip in regard to the very initial part of getting to talk to a young woman: ask her a question, get her to talk about herself. This way you avoid the struggle of talking about yourself and you get to learn something about her. Let me know if you need more guidance, or otherwise, post again anytime.
anitaAugust 8, 2022 at 10:38 am #405162EvanaParticipant
I have had a very similar situation and am just wanting to talk about how yours played outAugust 22, 2022 at 9:09 am #405998AnonymousInactive
Hi, I am going through the same thing. I am female, I don’t have a boyfriend currently and I’m still in my teen years. A few weeks ago I thought I started to question my sexuality however, I now know that it is a constant intrusive thought in my mind. I can’t stop thinking about how I could be bisexual and these thoughts are there because I’m in denial. I don’t know why this started to happen, it wasn’t triggered by anything and I’ve never questioned my sexuality before now. It feels like I’m drowning and when I’m really deep in thought about it, I have no motivation to achieve anything I want to like school work or going outside. Anytime someone mentions something about the lgbtq+ community or a gay couple comes up on TV I get a huge wave of anxiety that comes over me and a voice in my head saying either ‘that’s you’ or ‘thats what happens to people like you’ . When this happens I begin to panic and sometimes I’m able to stop it by telling myself that it is an intrusive thought and other times it worries me for hours. I don’t know where any of this has come from as I have never been attracted to the same sex and when I see someone attractive of the opposite sex I use it as prove that I’m not attracted to both. I have never had the desire to be with someone of the same sex but when these thought come up I can’t stop thinking about how I could have these desires, even though before all of this happened when I looked and people of the same sex I wouldn’t think anything of it and to be honest I still don’t now. However, these thoughts have almost convinced me that I liked one on my close female friends and I don’t know why or how. That’s the only part of this that has happened before, when I was watching a series a few months ago and a straight girls best friend was lesbian and had always liked her. I think this was probably the long winded start to all this because I had a weird dream about me and her I don’t really know the details of what happened, this worried me too and sort of curled the fire but when I spoke to her in school the next day, there was nothing there, not even a tiny glimpse of feeling for her. Just two friends. Which is what I don’t understand because, I am aware that it’s all in my head yet these fears of being bi constantly torment me and give me anxiety. For example; I was hanging out with her the other day, there was a boy at the place we went to and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he would rather her over me because I look like a lesbian and for some reason I thought he would think I liked her, even though I don’t and I know that for a fact. I know this because I can see that she’s pretty but have no feelings, I think these weird thoughts based around her happen because I’m a tiny bit jealous of her because she’s always talking with a new boy. Which I’m fine with, I just feel like I’m out of the loop especially because most people know who she’s talking with and I’m scared that because I’m her close friend and no one knows much about me that they’ll start assuming things about me like my thoughts.
I haven’t told my friends or anyone apart from my mum about this whole thing and she said she doesn’t think I’m questioning my sexuality she thinks I’m just overthinking a thought that has no real reason behind it which is why it is worrying me so much. This conversation helped me for a while and I do believe what she said but the thoughts keep coming back stronger and I just want them to go away because it’s not the real me. Also I know my parents and most people would be fine with it if I was bi or gay but I’m not and I don’t ever want to be and every time I think about it I feel sick and my heart starts racing with anxiety and I don’t think that’s normal. I have had OCD before for something completely different e.g. washing hands constantly and shutting doors because I thought something will happen to me or my family. I’m also aware that I over think pretty much everything as it’s in my genes for example; when I look in the mirror I feel like I look like a lesbian and I hate it. Sorry if that sounded mean but it’s just not me and I know all of this isn’t me and isn’t what I want because I know I want a boyfriend maybe not right now though because I feel like I’d fail him and when I say I want a boyfriend even that feels so so distant because the thought of me being bi has just taken over my brain. I want closer friendships too because I feel like I’m always drifting on the outside of friendship groups which I also hate. Most of my friends either have boyfriends, are talking to boys or are interested in boys but don’t want a boyfriend at the moment which is how I feel too but anytime I think about it it ends with me upset and thinking that I don’t have a boyfriend because I look like a lesbian and could be bisexual and in denial. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I hate that I’ve wasted most of the school holidays feeling and thinking like this. I just want my normal life back. I know I’m straight but I can’t seem to accept that and my thoughts tell me otherwise. I want me back, the me who dreams of the perfect job in the perfect future because that’s what used to make me happy and now every time I try to be happy these thoughts are stopping me and I can’t distract myself by doing something different because the thoughts don’t go away. I can’t deal with it anymore and I just want someone to give me advice on how to stop it. I’m so scared about these thoughts and I just want them to leave me alone and at the moment the only way I feel I can do that is to tell people I’m bi when I’m not and I know you’re not supposed to act on intrusive thoughts. I’m also unable to get therapy as I’m underaged so everyone please share what you did to get through this. I need this to go away, someone please help me.
P.S. Sorry if some of that didn’t make sense, I find it hard to describe my thoughts and feelings without something not making sense!August 22, 2022 at 10:03 am #406062
I will read and reply to you in a few hours.