Dear Bella:

Yes, I do, but I think that you will keep asking me the same question, or the same questions over and over again because you are obsessed with the topic of your sexual orientation. Obsessions are never satisfied with answers. Therefore, I will not reply to you further. I wish you well, Bella.

anita

Oh my gosh, I wish I found this way sooner. I have really bad anxiety so when I read through all of these posts it was a huge relief. I have never really been through a long term anxiety like this before but about a month ago, my friend (who’s a guy —> my best friend” made a “gay”/bromance joke about me and for some reason my mind started to spiral and I felt so anxious all the time about my sexuality. I am also in a long distance relationship and I felt like it definitely was affecting things. For me, when I get nervous, I talk to everyone and it was really hard for once for me to talk about this. I ended up talking to my therapist about this and while that helped it definitely didn’t do near the help that this thread has helped me with. The questions of “am I gay” and “am I bi” are kind of disturbing sometimes to think about (even for someone who is totally supportive of LGBTQ+ People). Just know that you are not a line in this process. Thank you so much tiny Buddha, you just saved me from a lot of anxiety that I didn’t want.

Hello Anita,

I have contacted you before about my problem and your help calmed me somehow, and the thought of not being the only one going through this made me feel way better. Thank you once again! Although I do feel still very bad and strange. What hurts me the most is that when I’m with my boyfriend I think of that a lot and I think that I like women and that I don’t like him and I’m not attracted to him anymore and even when I do something with my boyfriend I think that a woman can do that and what would it feel like if a woman did it and that doing something with him is okay I’m not dying over it and that i don’t care if I lose him, but when I listen to songs that I have to do with him I cry. I don’t want to think of any of this. Before this problem started I didn’t think of any of this. I thought it was like what would it feel like if a woman did it but that’s it nothing else it didn’t phased me like it does now and it feels very bad I just want it gone. Do you have any idea why do I keep thinking of this and why it is still bothering me like that?

Have a great day!

dear anita,

the exact same thing has been happening to me. I have suffered with anxiety and ptsd most of my life, and I have never thought of a girl in this way before. My feelings started on the 26th September, the day I started my period… I started to find everyone attractive, absolutely everyone, because of this I started overthinking a lot, I was thinking, what if I’m bisexual? what if I’m a lesbian? these thoughts were really disturbing me, because as I said before, I’ve never felt this way before, my hormones were all over the place during my period this time round. anyways, I was really stressing and panicking about it, it got to the point I couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink anything and I couldn’t sleep either, I constantly needed reassurance and I couldn’t look at any women on social media because I’d feel so nervous, I still feel the exact same now, the thought of being bisexual really bothers me and makes me really scared, because I really really do not want to be bisexual or a lesbian, it’s gotten to the point where I’m praying to god and saying I’ll do anything not to be bisexual… these thoughts continued after my period finished 2 weeks ago, but it’s like it’s on my mind 24/7. If I’m doing something to occupy myself, it will settle down, but if not all the emotions just come back. I am seeing a therapist for my anxiety as I had EMDR therapy, and the last time I had the EMDR therapy, nothing about me being bisexual came out, he said it’s completely normal and it’s a stage everyone goes through in life, I feel like the more I think about it the worse it gets. I’m doing all these quizzes to see if I’m bisexual, constantly needing reassurance that I’m not and it’s really getting to me, my feelings just changed overnight, I don’t know if it’s hormonal or anything but I just want to feel myself again it’s really ruining my life, I’ve never had these thoughts before they’re so frightening, I’m only 15 years old myself so it could be to do with puberty, then a few days ago I was researching and google said I could be a lesbian, bare in mind I was still attracted to boys, as soon as I saw those words my body went into meltdown and I was thinking I was a lesbian, I thought about it that much that I stopped finding boys as attractive as I used to, that part has sort of settled down now but I’ve still got a fear what if im a lesbian also, I just really really do not want to be either, it terrifies me. I’m really sorry for bothering you, if anyone has any advice on what to do then please let me know, I just want this feeling gone for good and to feel my happy self again:( have a good day guys x

dear Anita, thankyou so much for that. yes i suffer with PTSD as I had to deal with bullying at school; I now get homeschooled and I’m a lot better in that respect. I’ve always suffered with anxiety it runs through my dads side of the family, it got worse when the bullying took place about a year ago, this went on for 4 months and ever since that I’ve had anxiety and PTSD. do you suggest any ways that might help me feel better? Or at least calm myself down. Thankyou so much for your time and response it means so much to me!!
Alesha

Dear alesha:

I will reply to you in about an hour or so.

anita

Dear alesha:

You are welcome. I will first respond to your second post where you wrote: “I’m starting to find everyone attractive again now but I don’t know why, it’s like I find every girl attractive, where as, as many people have told me, if I was bisexual or lesbian I would have a type. Just like I do in boys, I also know it wouldn’t have happened overnight…I’m just hoping that it will ease off eventually because it’s stressing me out so much!!”-

-HOCD is not a sexual orientation. It is a form of OCD: an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: the Obsession (the O of the OCD) is about your sexual orientation. The obsession stresses you so much, and to ease your stress, you perform Compulsions (the C of the OCD).

The compulsions you have been performing so far: (1) going online, “doing all these quizzes to see if I’m bisexual.. researching and google“, including posting here on tiny buddha, (2) asking anyone and everyone willing to listen, online ang irl, including total strangers: am I lesbian? Am I bisexual? (“constantly needing reassurance that I’m not“).

Every time you get a reassurance, it makes you feel better, you then thank the person profusely (“thankyou so much for that., ,Thank you so much for your time and response it means so much to me!!.. thankyou so much“), next you obsess, feel stressed again and.. ask for reassurance yet again.

In your first post yesterday, you wrote: “I’m really sorry for bothering you“- people who answered you and reassured you over and over.. and over and over again, finally lost their patience with you, didn’t they.

In your recent post, you wrote: “as many people have told me, if I was bisexual or lesbian I would have a type. Just like I do in boys“- you wrote many people..  no matter how many people tell you that you are not a lesbian.. it does not reassure your obsessing mind for long.

This is the nature of OCD: the obsession is like an itch, when you ask for and receive a reassurance, it’s like you get your itch scratched and you say: thank you, thank you so much.. because (1) you are grateful for feeling better.. temporarily, (2) you want to motivate the person you are thanking to.. reassure you yet again, of the same thing.

I have seen a member here on tiny buddha post about his obsessions for years, getting his itches scratched, saying thank you, then presenting the same or different itch yet again.. getting that scratched and on and on forevermore. I no longer scratch anyone’s itches because it’s useless and I don’t like doing it.

And now to your first post: “I suffer with PTSD as I had to deal with bullying at school; I now get homeschooled and I’m a lot better in that respect. I’ve always suffered with anxiety it runs through my dads side of the family, it got worse when the bullying took place about a year ago, this went on for 4 months and ever since that I’ve had anxiety and PTSD. do you suggest any ways that might help me feel better? Or at least calm myself down”-

-(1) seek counseling/ psychotherapy in school in regard to your OCD, (2) download and listen to calming guided meditations several times a day, (3) make aerobic exercise part of your daily routine, and at times of greater stress do that exercise, (4) when you obsess, try to resist the compulsion to ask people irl and online if you are a lesbian, instead, take a few deep breaths, if you are sitting, get up and walk around,  and try to distract yourself in healthy ways such as #2 and #3 above, listening to music, studying, reading a book, having hot tea, a hot shower..(4) avoid toxic relationships and interactions with people, and get good at resolving conflicts with the people you should or must have in your life.

anita