Hi Anita,

Likewise, I find your insight with other members so helpful.  I also appreciate that you are present and available.

You are perceptive too. I remember a lot of our family life revolving around my mom…her needs, her opinions, her feelings, her likes and dislikes.  It was the norm for us, but as an adult, I can see it was not healthy.  You ask where my siblings and I were in all of this.  Truthfully, as long as we were perfect, all was well.  I’m being somewhat facetious, but the reality was if we behaved perfectly, did the right thing, said the right thing, reacted the right way – at least perfect in the way that accommodated our mom – all was well.  That has been a difficult thing to overcome – to not be perfect and just be human.  It’s sad to type that, but it’s true.   My one brother and sister probably had it the hardest because they rebelled.  My other brother and I were more complacent and tried to keep the peace.

When she yelled, I don’t remember feeling angry as much as I felt helpless –  like I had to do something to make it better, whether I caused the anger or not.

In my other post, I called out my dad as not being particularly loving or supportive, but to be fair, I don’t recall my mom ever saying to me “I love you” or telling me she was proud of me.  She would tell other people she was proud of her kids but “I love you” is not something my parents felt comfortable saying.

Thank you for your response and insight.  I appreciate it.

Airene

Hi Anita,

You think that submission, or being complacent worked better for the two of you than did rebelling to the other two?

Do you mean as kids?  Yes, as a kid, I think it worked better for me to submit, or comply with what my parents wanted.  I mean…I was a kid.

As an adult, it doesn’t work as well to submit.  And I don’t.

Airene

Hi Anita,

Yes, your thoughts are helpful, and I do appreciate your perspective.

Yes, I agree…parents appear all powerful when we are kids.  It’s comforting when used to protect us, but when it’s used to control or keep dysfunction moving along, it can be damaging.

Your comment about my brother and sister who rebelled, feeling fear at first, but then went to anger…is anger the precursor to rebellion?    Though age has mellowed them somewhat, I think they both still live in a state of anger and rebellion. And although my mom passed in 2001, this brother and my sister – still – make reference to my mom’s yelling, or talk about how they responded to something and “sounded like mom”.  It’s almost as if time stood still for them, and they haven’t moved beyond all of that.

Thanks for listening Anita.

Airene

Anita,

I am new to the forums and have seen your thoughtful and engaging replies often, you are truly inspiring. I consider you a therapeutic volunteer, truly. I am curious about your life, who you are. Do you write on here so often because you work from home? Do you find fulfillment by helping others? Do you have loving family members now despite your troubling past? You seem like a fascinating soul.

Myself, I am a young adult with an old soul. I love spending time in nature and care about the environment, I love coffee in the mornings, I enjoy eating healthy food and doing things like yoga, and my little sisters are my best friends. I have a mother with a multipersonality disorder who has brought challenges and lessons to my life. I consider myself very spiritual and love reading, listening, observing, and communicating with books, music, art and people that help me learn more about humanity. I also feel a strong desire to help others thrive despite any suffering they face. It is hard to summarize myself, even though I’ve only been around a mere 18 years!

Thank you for all you do.

Kathleen

Hello Anita,

I’m so glad Kathleen asked you to post about your life – I was also curious. When I read a post in the forum, I look for your response – “what did Anita say”?  You are voice of reason, compassion and non-judgment, available and present.  You say “as I learn about others, I learn about myself,” and that “healing and learning go hand in hand.”  You are so generous with your time in sharing what you have learned.

Thank you also for your response about my siblings’ anger, and my anger.  I do have anger, but didn’t consider that it’s associated with being submissive.  Or that anger is what closes the door on my compassion – but this too is accurate.  What you say here is true as well – seeing how my parents treated the siblings who rebelled compelled me to respond in an opposite way.  Knowing where my feelings come from helps me put them in their proper place.

I look forward to reading more from you, Anita.

Airene

Hi Anita

I’ve been reading many articles and posts on the internet but haven’t really found much answers. When I read conversations on this forum you and others also seem very kind and understanding.  When I saw this topic I felt like joining and introducing myself. Maybe I’ll be able to help other people on this website, maybe I’ll find answers for my own, we’ll see.

My name is Regi, I’m in early twenties now. I haven’t had the easiest life but there are probably much people here who have had much worse. Usually when something really bad happens I stay strong on the outside. On the inside I may feel bad for some time but I recover very fast in my opinion. But about a year ago, a specific person said something specific, on a specific moment with specific people nearby. Since then I experience some sort of social anxiety (I think) and I was hoping to find some answers here.

It already felt surprisingly good writing this, it’s the first time I do something like this.

Thank you Anita for your time

Greetings, Regi