Kkasxo,

Wow, so much like me! I thought it was just me! It’s good to know someone else really gets it.

A healthy relationship is when both people want it, but don’t need it. I’m guessing if I ‘need’ the relationship, it’s never a good start.

I’d say if it’s sonething you feel too it must be part of the process. We don’t know our identity outside with them.

When I read your description of who you were and then what it was like when he came along, it was like reading my own diary! Those close to me say I’m viewing through rose tinted glasses and have I forgotten all the times I was anguished and disappointed cos I wanted more! They don’t have him on a pedestal- I do.

I have to try & get him off that pedestal. It’s skewed vision. Everyone says HIS life was better because of ME and that I made his life so much better but I still feel like I was the lucky one!

I just did some meditation and fell asleep on the couch but I’m trying a new approach to sleeping in the hope of tackling the early morn anxiety bout. Gonna try a later bed time and see how I go

Kkasxo,

I fins it hard to sleep, so that’s probably why the bed offers me little solace. Having said that, last night was the first time in a while I didn’t have vivid dreams and I woke this morning but butterflies in my tummy but not the agonising anxiety tummy I normally wake up with. It may be denial or it may be rational mind, I don’t know, but I’m grateful for the reprieve nonetheless.

Did you contact him? If so, what do you want to get out of the communication?

Victoria,

Welcome back to the forum. I hope things work out in a way which makes you happy. The thing I find is that during heartache and anxiety, what I think is my ‘gut intuition’ is often not. It’s anxiety urging me to do what will ease the pain as soon as possible so I convince myself it’s my gut to justify it, I really feel it’s my gut, but ultimately it’s need and that continues until a sufficient period of separation where the withdrawal is not as bad so you can really distinguish between what the heart needs and what your real gut instinct is. But it’s different for everyone.

It’s important for you to work on you anyway, regardless of if you are in a relationship or not.If you do get back together, hopefully you will continue to work on yourself and your stress and depression.I’m trying, but trust me, I know it’s hard! If you want to overcome some ways of thinking or trust issues, I really recommend speaking to a counsellor. They really are helpful and can provide tools and methods to deal with difficult issues.

Best of luck to you and post any time.

The thing about heartbreak is that it makes you not want to lose what you had. This is the withdrawal period. Your heart is your heart and will continue to want the one that you love. I think that’s the basic premise of no contact rule. It’s about allowing your heart to go through the withdrawal and THEN see if you still feel such a strong need to reconcile. It’s hard to not want to see him or contact him or imagine getting back together when you’re still in the midst of withdrawal.

That being said, if your heart is niggling away at you, despite rationally knowing what the best decision is…..will it always gnaw away at you? Susan Jeffers says ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ with the logic being that no matter what you will survive. In my situation, maybe Susan would say ‘Feel the fear of loss and a life without this man and do it anyway’.

I’m still considering contacting my ex……bananas I know. Literally what is the point, but again, it’s denial, my lack of acceptance. Yesterday I felt better as a friend said I was more unhappy than happy with my ex. I never saw it that way, because I loved spending time with him. But it was a holistic unhappiness, he wasn’t giving me enough and it left me feeling needy and unwanted. She pointed out that I tried to make it work twice and ended up in exactly the same position. a third time, even if it were possible, is unlikely to result in a different outcome. She’s right. But letting go is difficult, it will mean pain.

Today, the rationale I had yesterday is not so prominent. I see you and Victoria both contacting your exes and I wonder, should I? But then I remember very different circumstances, both of your exes appear to want to reconcile, whereas mine has disappeared and has not given one single indication of missing me or wanting things to be different. So I continue to endure.