Kkasxo,

Happy birthday and well done. At the point we are at- survival is an achievement so not texting him even after a few drinks is a courageous feat.

I’m not as strong today as other days. I’m alone and it’s early and there are no distractions so the pain is in full force. I’m sort of howling with tears, understanding exactly what happened and not understanding at all. I guess that’s the head and heart fighting.

Im on the brink of texting him. Rationally Inknow it will serve no purpose, that my friends and family will be disappointed and I’m fearful it will set me back in my so-called recovery and yet, the desire remains. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been finding cold turkey extremely difficult because this person was in my life everyday and now nothing. It’s extreme.

I wish I could tell you I’m doing ok, to give you some hope, and maybe others would say I am, but it feels like I’m not. Ok, maybe I’ll stick it out and not contact, maybe as the weeks go by, the raw feeling will ease and the cravings won’t be as savage. But I genuinely feel I’ll never not be sad about it. That I’ll just get used to living with the pain, loneliness and loss. I can’t see my future as ‘happy’ per se. Just surviving. I guess therein lies the problem.

S x

The not knowing in terms of contact each day must be torture for you? Do you genuinely believe that a future for the two of you that’s happy and fulfilled is possible? Or is it more the loss that’s guiding your heart? The idea that you can’t live a life without him?

I want to be with this man, but when I ask why, the reasoning is not enough. The answer is ‘because I can’t bare living without him’….not ‘because he makes me happy and secure’….not ‘because I feel we’ll reach our full potential and be the happiest couple on earth’…. it’s because I’m afraid and I just want him back. If I ask that question of myself, the fear of this happening again is just enough of a tether at the moment to prevent me doing anything about contacting him.

It may not work indefinitely. I feel I’m coming to a point in the road where I will get in contact again. And it will be wrong I know, because the only tiny tiny hope we could have would be if he came back to me and wanted to change.

A friend just told me it’s ridiculously unfair but unfortunately it is as it is.

S x

The thing that’s killing me is that we loved each other too. Despite him being unable to say the words, I knew. The breakup is no doubt killing him too but he got to the stage where he thought it was the right thing.

Its a pity my head wouldn’t tell my heart that, because I’m truly lost without him. I just did some grocery shopping and there was a long queue and I nearly abandoned my shopping trolley and ran out of the store in pieces.

Work for the first 4-5hours is not exactly thrilling, but at the same time, it gives me a reason to get up each morning, which I’m told will help prevent me slipping into depression. So I do it. I’m finding when I have a day off, the anxiety and heartbreak is much worse.

As I posted this morning, I was in a dire frame of mind, had almost given up and was about to contact him. Could barely do the grocery shopping. For some reason that has lifted now, I’m not as bad this afternoon. This is what happens, mornings are always the worst. I feel I am not able to cope and as the day wears on, more often than not, the fog is not as thick.

I always want to contact him but at times like this morning, it almost seems too much a temptation to bear. Whereas now I can resist it more. I don’t expect to hear from him so I’m not always checking my phone. Overall I would love to hear from him but at a minute level, I don’t expect to hour to hour.

Would you consider no contact for a week. See how you get on? You don’t have to do it long term if you don’t like, but might be worth a try and see how much you can resist the drug! Anyway, I know what it’s like so I’m not advising you to do anything, just a thought. Option is always there to resume contact if you want.

S x

Fair play to you. That’s incredible progress for someone who is bereft and heartbroken. One days progress is an achievement, not to mention a few days.

I guess I feel the same, I hate the world I’m in right now but a teeny tiny part of me does hold on to the assurance from others including my therapist, that I’m making progress, so it’s that tiny chink of hope for that- in other words not wanting to have to redo the last 17days that has kept me from the edge of contacting him. I’m not strong – I’m just petrified of more pain!

The trick I’m using to prevent contact is to say to myself, the option is always there, but I don’t think I’ll bother today, maybe tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and I do the same. So it doesn’t seem cold turkey, it just seems it’s untol tomorrow!

I’m fine in terms of contacting him this eve. It just happens that way, I guess grief comes in waves, tomorrow morning I will probably be back to the suffering, heartache & anxiety again, but I am grateful for a reprieve when I get it.

I do believe I did everything I could to make the relationship flourish, so at least I don’t blame myself too much, however, that doesn’t stop me thinking I could come up with another idea that might change his mind. Trying to control the uncontrollable ?

I think I’m in trouble on Sundays, I find I’m really at a loss & dwell much more on things in my head.

Thanks for your updates and support, it is such an isolating lonely experience, that’s it nice to know someone else understands the pain.

Is there anyone on these forums who has experienced what we are experiencing who posted here months ago and is now in a better place? Any advice gratefully received.

s x

Hi Tom,

Thanks so much for your post. I’m sorry after 3 months you are not feeling much better, I may be in the same position in a couple of months too. Rationally and logically I know my ex tried to move forward but just wasn’t able. But my heart fights with me the whole time, constantly wanting to understand why he couldn’t just take the steps, or work on himself so he would eventually be able to take the steps. The fact you have not contacted your ex girlfriend since you split shows incredible self-restraint and you are a stronger person than I.

My relationship was almost 4 years long so I’m hoping it won’t take 2 to get over it. The sleeping is also a problem for me too, but I have not had to resort to any medication to aid sleep just yet, hopefully that will continue and I will eventually get back into a sleeping pattern naturally.

I’m sorry for your heartache Tom, I completely understand.