Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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December 5, 2018 at 1:40 am #267895
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
You are entitled to feel like you want to contact him. Let’s break this down realistically, you were with this man for nearly 4 years of your life. He was your absolute everything and then from one day to the next you are expect to 1.) stop all contact 2.) don’t dwell on it and even better, pretend you never cared in the first place and that you are loving life without him 3.) move on with your life with dignity and so on and so forth.. It’s just unrealistic. Quite frankly, unless you was in either an extremely abusive (emotionally/physically) relationship and you actually do not wish to keep contact or the other person passed away it is quite impossible to go on like you can completely erase the feelings and memories at such short notice and in such a short space of time…
You’re right in saying that you probably will feel worse after the contact.. I agree with this. But ultimately if that is what you want then can it get much worse than it already is?! Ultimately, this has to be YOUR decision. You have to get there yourself and know what’s best for me. For me personally like I say, I was aware that the conversation wasn’t going to be pleasant at all, I knew it would hurt terribly and I knew that I wasn’t going to get the answers my heart wanted to hear, but instead I would get honest answers….I needed to do it regardless. Goes back to that point your therapist made a while back about sometimes we need to do certain things even if they don’t quite make sense, or even if we know they’ll be painful (kind of the predicament I’m in now).
Perhaps try not to think about whether you should contact him or not contact him right now. Enjoy the distraction of your birthday week! That’s really lovely of your work colleague to organise something like that for you, i’m looking forward to hear all about your day of surprises 🙂
Also, I know that feeling when your ex’s friends pop up! I received a message from my ex’s best friend and also his girlfriend (who I don’t even get on with) on my birthday! I swiftly moved past it..
You’re not doing anything wrong. Everything you have described over the past 10 weeks is a prime example of heartbreak. It bloody sucks! But you are going through the motions and surviving each day as it comes! You’re doing great girl! xxxx
December 5, 2018 at 2:09 am #267897
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Thanks so much for the post this morning. I really feel down in the dumps& lonely but it helps so much that another person can empathise with where I’m at.
I will try and focus on my week off and enjoy it. But I’ll admit, it’s hard. I do feel I want to speak to my ex, but I might not have much self worth, but I still have some pride & the potential to lose my last shreds of dignity bothers me. Also, I’m scared of feeling worse, yes I feel dreadful now, but what if it gets worse than this?!
Sometimes it seems so alien to me that I can’t just pick up the phone and talk like two people who could always just chat. But we’ll see. I don’t want to regret doing it, but if I do and I end up feeling worse, I’ll be straight on here & hopefully the advice from everyone will keep me from the brink!
How is your situation now, any improvement?
S x
December 5, 2018 at 2:19 am #267903KkasxoParticipantNo problem at all. Like I say, you girls have kept me going through some of my darkest moments and continue to do so – my little tiny buddha family!
Yes, please try to smile and enjoy your birthday! People are clearly making an extra effort to make this time special for you, it is so nice of them! And it keeps you busy too so that’s always a good thing!
Try not to think about your ex and the contact too much right now as it will take your focus off of the lovely week ahead! Let’s re-visit end of the week?!
My situation at the moment is better.. but it is very up and down because of me. One moment I’m okay and getting on with things and the next I close myself off and go into shut down mode and question every and anything and start acting out.. I’m loosing patience with myself but then I have to try to remind myself that this is normal and just try to be patient! Time will tell. But I cannot wait until the new year! Something about closing that chapter and putting it behind me!
December 5, 2018 at 3:45 am #267911ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I think it’s normal to be up and down. ANYTHING you’re feeling is legitimate, remember that. If you are acting out in a way that you think is foolish- treat yourself like a small child – with as much kindness and patience. You’re working through stuff still- it’s a work in progress, so it’s not going to be rainbows and sprinkles straight away. There would appear to be a lot to process.
Im so tempted to contact him this evening but I will try and put it out of my head for now and focus on my day in the here and now!
Fingers crossed!
December 5, 2018 at 9:39 am #267971KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Yes you’re right, it is a lot and I am trying my best to process things one at a time. I don’t think I’ll be able to go to my therapy session tomorrow as we have a marketing meeting with very high end investors, funders, bankers etc tomorrow evening. I could prob squeeze the session in between but I just know I’ll be so drained after I won’t havw the energy or even will to socialise and network – and I have to represent the company so I’m gonna have to give the session a miss.
Tell me all about your day today! What surprises did it have in store for you?
December 5, 2018 at 10:20 am #267977ShelbyvilleParticipantThat’s makes sense, I’d reschedule your therapy session if you can, because I know how draining they can be! And I know I can’t be wearing mascara usually when I go in there!
My day has been so lovely, my friend and I went for lunch then around the shops. Then we drove to a fab hotel where she had organised for another friend of mine to join us for afternoon tea followed by a spa session!
They are so wonderful and thoughtful and I’m so grateful to have such beautiful souls in my life. I feel bad sometimes that I’m letting people down by not getting over my ex. It’s been a lovely distraction today.
December 6, 2018 at 2:19 am #268067KkasxoParticipantMorning Shelby,
I have managed to cancel today’s therapy session and looking forward to a busy day!
I’m glad you enjoyed your day yesterday. You do have some really lovely friends around you, clearly people that would go above and beyond to make you smile – that’s priceless! You’re not letting anyone down, you can’t think like that. You are doing your best at all times and believe it or not you are doing way better than you think considering!
Thing’s with my ex are going surprisingly well at the moment.. I am just waiting for it to mess up though, like it always does. Other than that I feel butterflies in my stomach and a great excitement for the new year. I just know I have to make it my year by all means necessary. I am feeling overwhelmed at the new job opportunity and the doors that it opens for me for complete self sufficiency. I no longer have to rely on my ex to try and make a life for myself and I must admit that feels amazing.
What are your plans for today?
December 6, 2018 at 4:37 am #268071ShelbyvilleParticipantThat’s great you got to change this week’s session. Also, great to hear things are going well with your ex. Keep up the therapy to help you process the work in progress and hopefully it’ll be a bright and positive new year for you!!
It’s natural to be apprehensive but as time goes on and ye settle into the relationship, hopefully that will start to disappear.
The fact that the job and your hard work has made independence and achievement possible for you on your own is wonderful. No matter what, no one can take that away from you and that’s a great feeling!
Yesterday was a good day. Lunch, shopping, afternoon tea and spa! Oh and a table quiz I got invited to at the last minute with 3 new people. It definitely took my mind off things for a few hours.
However, woke again this morning feeling rubbish! Stupid mornings! I always was to reconcile with him in the mornings and then when it gets to evening time- a more appropriate time to contact him- the feeling is not as strong or else I just get scared.
My friend at the spa said yesterday that she finds it so infuriating because she thinks we were perfect for each other. Which makes a chance from the rhetoric of everyone else of late. I haven’t seen this friend in a while so it was a surprise to hear comments such as that. She feels that the problem was that he couldn’t acknowledge that he loved me. She says he clearly did but to acknowledge that meant steps he wasn’t willing to take. It made me feel better to hear it in that way, but then I started getting anxious that I was taking the comments to mean there was some hope. Talk about overthinking!!!
Im off with my sister today for our overnight stay in a different part of the country. She has a work event and I’ll be alone a bit but I’m hoping I’ll embrace the alone time and not be scared of it.
Let me know how today’s work day goes! Good luck!
December 6, 2018 at 5:40 am #268087KkasxoParticipantShelby,
It is only natural for spurs of hope to emerge, especially when you hear positive feedback on your relationship. Actually something similar happened to me yesterday as my mum mentioned my ex to me again. As it stands, she has no idea that we are talking at the moment as I made it clear to myself and him that he will not be meeting with my family or coming over until things are settled, IF things eventually settle! I don’t want to confuse anyone or cause any further drama so I thought its best this way. So she brought him up in conversation yesterday and although there is a sour taste due to the hurt he caused she still manages to look past that and she mentioned things like it’s clear you two were made for one another, we love him like a son, the way you two bounced off of one another is unlike anything I have ever seen before, you two were absolute best friends, you had an admirable relationship etc etc. And I agree, it did make me think hey maybe she’s got a point?! Maybe this will be worth it?! Maybe I should try a little harder to not doubt this so much?! So the hope is definitely there – whether I can do it or not is another story..
I think your friend may have a point. It is without a doubt that your ex loved and still loves you deeply. But yes, as your therapist previously mentioned, in a world where it would’ve been just the two of you this relationship could’ve made it in the long run, but his other commitments eventually took first place and got in the way and as a result he was unable to progress the way you needed. It is a real shame and I truly believe one day he will wake up and realise the mistake he made by letting you go. Honestly. I can guarantee it. Because I’m not sure if he was ruled by fear or literally by the pressures that his loved ones put on him, either way he wasn’t able to cut the ties with whatever it was that is holding him back from living a happy eternal life with you. But eventually he will wake up and realise it is HIS life and by then he’ll know he made the worst mistake of his life.
I hope you enjoy your time away, some peace and quiet! I am just preparing for the marketing event, it has been hectic at work today but I will be off home shortly to get myself ready for the evening!
December 6, 2018 at 12:53 pm #268141ShelbyvilleParticipantI hope the evening went well and you feel energised in your work after it! Well done!
Sometimes people go through a lot of strife in a relationship to come out the other end even better. Who knows what the future holds, but it’s worth trying with your ex. I tried twice so everyone tells me I could do no more, but you have a chance to try again and hopefully this time it will all have been worth it.
I’m currently dining alone and having a glass of wine, but it’s ok. I’ve done this loads throughout my life and I just need to get back to feeling comfortable as that woman!
Hope the event goes okay for you!
December 6, 2018 at 1:11 pm #268147KkasxoParticipantShelby,
The evening went okay I guess. I feel drained from entertaining all of the oh so important investors etc. I was having an alright evening until reality caught up with me and I saw one of my friends from college proposed to his girlfriend.. Again, extremely happy for them, I truly am. The way he did it too, he took on her daughter as his own (she’s about 4) and asked the little one for permission to marry her mummy and also bought her a necklace with a ring around it to make her feel involved. My heart melted and I just thought to myself what an amazing guy! Men like that really do exist.. why is it just not in my destiny to come across someone like that?! Why am I continuing to waste my time on someone who would never in a million years do anything similar for me?!
I’ve realised news like this is always bitter sweet for me now.
Im glad your enjoying your evening, I’m going to grab an alcoholic drink too and just relax! Or try to anyway… life is just a little shitty today!
December 6, 2018 at 1:13 pm #268149
VictoriaParticipantGood Evening,
I went to pick some Christmas wrapping up today, which somehow took three hours! I just wasn’t in the mood and just felt sad looking at all the happy families and couples. I know that deep down in my heart I need this time to myself, but I am feeling rather isolated, but I can’t really complain because it’s my own fault.
My ex’s brothers wife, asked me over for Christmas, which is thoughtful but then what would be the point if I’m not getting back with my ex. I actually caved a few days ago at around 11pm and called him, he said he doesn’t mind if I message him to ask how he is etc, which is fine but it is frustrating me how black and white everything is.
It is frustrating me that he wanted me to “fight for us” yet when I break up with him his only response is “okay, its shit, but I cant do anything about it”. But its wrong because he could send me a card that has a heartfelt message in it, he could do loads of things, because I just wanted him to show me in a romantic manner that he loves me as much as he did when we started going out. There’s nothing sadder than being in a relationship and feeling lonely, or like you are being over-dramatic.
Sorry for ranting, I am just going through a tough patch of sleeping (feeling guilty for missing uni) and any plans I make, I end up cancelling them. I feel like I was doing uni etc for “us”, which I suppose it unhealthy and of course I am studying this course for myself but it was part of a collective goal.
I hope both of you had a better day than I did and things are looking up (: I am going to respond on a daily basis now as I am finding it difficult to respond to like a page or two of messages (it shouldn’t really be that difficult but I think its because I keep coming on here when I am feeling emotionally drained or tired).
– V
December 6, 2018 at 2:00 pm #268163ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Its incredibly difficult hearing news like that, because it highlights what we want in full HD technicolour and are not receiving. If it made you feel a little sad in yourself, then it might be something to talk to your guy about with a view to it maybe becoming something that’s in store for the future.
Those kind of events are so draining for sure. Remember my big presentations- I was floored when I got home afterwards. So tonight just rest and unwind and tomorrow is a new day. Couple news can always land a blow, but it’s just the initial feeling of being disappointed. I remember when my friend got engaged a month after my split. It’s shit!
Victoria,
I think your ex is doing the best he can to deal with a situation he can’t control. He has to look after himself too I guess and you ended it with him, so I suppose he feels it’s not up to him to make any moves or gestures. In a sense then, it might be a case of you wanting him to be someone he’s not, or can’t be now. I don’t know, that might not be the case at all, but I seem some similarities between all of us. I watch videos by Matthew Hussey and he has one where he advises against the ‘one day’ bet. Hedging all you bets that one day it will work out to be what you want, one day he will grow or change to be who you want. But he explains that it’s a risky gamble and you’ll most likely end up broke!
You are still processing everything that’s going on, so how’s about working on something you CAN control? Like uni? Could you set yourself a mission of not missing any class for the next two weeks and then review how you feel?
Dont worry about catching up on pages either on this forum, if you miss something, just ask or I’ll fill you in as you come back on.
Oh btw – two exes (guys I hooked up with who eventually blew me off years ago) got in touch for my birthday. One went so far as to hush about how ‘stunning’ I am and have a beautiful soul. Too little too late I’m afraid. Absolutely zero interest. But isn’t it weird how they are coming out of the woodwork now? A bit random. Haven’t heard from them in years!
December 7, 2018 at 3:08 am #268227KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Yeah we have spoken several times of these things, throughout our relationship and briefly recently but he is never able to give me a precise answer regarding timing – which on one hand I understand and on the other I need. He says ultimately a home, marriage and children is the aim of the game but in ‘good time’. He cannot specify what good time is. So we end up going into a ‘discussion’ as I then say well you are failing to compromise cause it’s all about your timing, what about my timing etc etc..
I know why I’m feeling more emotional, mother nature has reached me yet again! I’m in an awful lot of pain, hardly slept at all last night because of it, it is absolutely pouring where I am, I reversed into a lamppost this morning.. it couldn’t have gone any worse! But I am trying to just breathe through it!
How was your evening last night? How are you this morning?
Victoria – That’s very nice of the wife to invite you round for Christmas. Perhaps she isn’t fully clued up on the current circumstances around your relationship? I do agree with you though that it would cause more complications if you did go so it is probably best to give that a miss..
In regards to your ex, I know it may not seem like it to you but saying ‘it’s shit but I cant do anything about it’ is just a coping mechanism. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, it doesn’t even mean he’s moving on, it just means he is trying to rationalise with himself and actually see the situation for what it is. It is shit, I love this woman, but there is nothing I can physically do at this moment to change her mind, she needs time on her own and I need to give her that! Trust me because those words have also come out of my mouth when my ex split up with me…
How many more years of uni do you have left? What is the plan for after? I understand you are going through some financial troubles at the moment – are there any friends you can rely on in times like these so you don’t have to turn to family?
December 7, 2018 at 10:15 am #268257ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
My evening was not bad. I felt a little lonely when my sister left for her work event but I went and got myself some dinner by myself, just to prove I could, like I used to do all the time before.
This morning my sister organised a facial in the spa as my birthday gift, it was heaven- pure heaven! I really enjoyed it. I didn’t know how much I needed to relax. We’re back from the trip now and I’m staying with her tonight to babysit her two children, which is nice.
My work Xmas party is tomorrow. I’m anxious about it but also really want to look my best because my confidence is at an all time low. My diet has never been worse though, as I’ve been milking my birthday week/fortnight. Oh dear, let’s hope an outfit fits!
Its frustrating that you don’t have a timeframe as such that ye can both agree on. It’s like that psych advice, relationships struggle if one party is either two steps ahead or two steps behind. We’re supposed to walk side by side together, at the same pace apparently. That was the problem with my ex, I tried so hard to slow down to be in step with him, but it just didn’t work, my needs just kept coming out ending with me dragging him up to my pace, which he wasn’t ready for either. You’re right though, he’s not changing his timeline etc- that has to change- of it doesn’t, whats to stop ye ending up in the same place again?
Have you any plans for the weekend?
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