Hi guys,

My work Xmas party was last night and it went ok. I’m glad I went but I’d be lying if I said most of my thoughts were still spent on my ex.

When I got to sleep, the night was spent dreaming of us reuniting. It’s not fair, it’s hard enough at a conscious level to tackle my thoughts, I’ve no control over my dreams. Then I wake up feeling bereft. Also I’m all alone today because my family are all away and my friends are busy.

My sister feels I need to have to time by myself sometimes too but I find it terribly hard. I get scared. It must be of the pain coming in or that I’ll be weak on my own and end up contacting him.

I better come up with a plan soon.

Kkasxo,

You’re right about setting goals, I wish I could get to that stage. I just don’t seem to be there yet. I guess I’m still clinging to the past. Still clinging to the relationship. While I have not contacted him yet, it has not been for the strength of my will and thinking I deserve better. I have just not contacted him because I’m scared of the outcome and also because I keep putting it off, saying the weekend or another day would be better timing for this reason or that.

Someone asked me in the past few days how I’m feeling and they think I’m doing really well. Then they asked me if my ex changed his mind would I take him back and I didn’t even hesitate – I said absolutely. So that’s how I know I’m nowhere near getting over this.

The contact from his sister yesterday only served my own agenda of keeping it alive in my head. It’s frustrating. I feel like I’m going to contact him this week, but who knows if he’ll agree to speak with me. If he does, what on earth do I expect to get out of it? Will I be back to square one?

I feel like my life is on hold and I’m not really living this new life, just waiting for the penny to drop or for things to magically revert to the life I know.

How was your weekend?

Kkasxo,

I’ve given a lot of consideration to what you said. I do think about having a conversation with him, there are so many things I want to get off my chest, but if I’m honest, deep down it’s obviously a need to change the outcome. That’s something that is highly unlikely to happen, especially by more or less telling him what a mess I am! Begging (albeit not directly) is not a good look! It’s all so confusing, my biggest concern is that I don’t want to feel worse and whenever it comes close to the time I think I will contact him, I let the moment pass because I’m scared. I don’t know if it’s the right or wrong decision.

Reality can be a cold splash in the face. I used to love weekends spent with my ex, so comforting and special and each time I would say in my mind ‘Look how good it is now’, but inevitably reality kicked in and I started to think that we still didn’t live together and we still had no plans for the future and it began to eat away at me and I’d constantly text or call my sister to complain that I just wanted him to move faster and be where I am. And then the cycle would start again and we’d do something fun and joyous and I’d love being with him again and I’d get ahead of myself and then I’d be halted in my tracks again when reality set in. Frustrating! Why does life have to be so complicated.

Are you going away for the Christmas? Is it far to your family’s home?

Kkasxo,

I will keep mulling over having conversation with him, but I will try not to kid myself, it will be to hold on to a connection with him, for it not be be completely over. So rationally speaking, that’s probably not healthy and yet the heart wants what it wants.

Definitely timing could be an issue with your boyfriend as he is young yet in terms of men settling down to a particular deadline, but I hope he speeds up to be on the same page as you, because I guess that’s what relationships are about…being on the same page.

I can’t believe you are going abroad, that’s fantastic. It will be a lovely change and you are quite right….you have managed many milestones this year without him and survived, this will just be another accomplishment for you and it will be fab. He will survive! I don’t blame you for wanting the year to end as it has been traumatic and upsetting for you. I find I’m on the other end of the scale in the sense that the further I get away from a time when I was with my ex, the further away I am from ‘us’. That might sound weird I guess, but there are times too that I wish time away to a magical future time when everyone says I’ll feel better.

To make yourself self-sufficient is the key to loving yourself in a way I think. Once you know you can make it on your own either way – there is a great power in that. Well done!

I actually don’t have much time off over Christmas this year, so I’ll be back in the office just after Boxing Day, but honestly I don’t mind too much as I’m pretty sure I’m going to find the whole season pretty depressing. Also I kinda volunteered as my lovely colleague has to travel a distance to go back home and it’s easier for me to come in rather than her travel back.

I feel like I’m on an even keel this week in terms of emotions, but I’m afraid it’s because I have new hope or something or am in denial. I question everything! darn overthinking!

I’m excited about this evening, my friends and I are going to a castle for dinner as a special treat, so at least it’s something different! However, it’s closer to where he lives! Eek!

Kkasxo,

My internet has been down for maintenance apparently, so I’ve had no coverage for the past day.

First off, is your sister okay? Your poor things, A&E is not a fun place to be- trust me I’ve had my fair share of trips. It’s exhausting, I hope she got the care she needs & is recovering.

As for your boyf, it’s understandable to be agitated. The person you love is spending time with someone you feel doesn’t like you and hurt you badly. It’s a tricky one because she’s family, and family is family. Having said that, my ex kinda pulled away from his sister when she hurt my feelings with some things she said at that family event before we split & I didn’t even ask him to. If your sister or brother hurt your man badly & still made him feel uncomfortable, how do you think you would behave?

Look it, you can tell yourself all you want what ya or may not happen, but I think most people on this forum understand the complexity of love, of attachment, of loss. My ex is in the dust and yet I still feel going back is an option!!!! What sort of delusional world do I live in?!

Im thrilled you made it to the gym, it’s given me some motivation to do something similar as I have been really bad with rubbish food lately & piling on the pounds too- again adding to low self esteem.

Could you ask your counsellor for ways to communicate how you’re feeling, instead of using the tried-and-tested withdrawal method?

Kkasxo,

Your family sounds quite similar to mine! I even mentioned that to me ex at the time when his sister made the comments to me and I said that my sister is incredibly over-protective and yet she would NEVER interfere and say hurtful things to him ever. Some families are different I guess, but I do not blame you in any way for avoiding situations which are not going to fulfill you or make you happy. Besides, let him focus on getting your relationship back on track fully and forget about outside involvement from his sister at the moment, it’s not the priority.

Well done on getting to the gym, it will never do anything but good going to the gym! With a friend is even better and you’ll feel better in yourself! I do not feel great in myself, I’ve been eating a lot lately and put on the weight I had previously lost so I feel a bit unattractive and uncomfortable now and would love to be healthy and lean! I must try!

Well done continuing your counselling, it really is a guiding hand in life. It’s draining, don’t get me wrong, but being self aware I think opens your mind and heart so much and learn about your patterns. If you know about them, you can change them! Well that’s what I keep telling myself anyway!

I was babysitting one sister’s kids last night and I’m babysitting my other sisters toddler tonight. The up side of me having a broken heart – siblings have a babysitter on call! But to be honest, I do like being around the kids, they lift me up because they are so straight forward and innocent and no drama and kids never judge you!

I have a biggish family so we do Kris Kindle in our family, and I got my gift for my sister on Black Friday – so for the first time ever I feel a bit better prepared. I must get little bits for my niece and nephews and my Dad and a couple of close friends. But nothing too major!

We’re promised really bad weather this weekend so we’re been warned to batten down the hatches as it were! But I’m not gonna lie, I feel like contacting him this week. It’s like, I feel I am never not going to do it, so maybe I should bite the bullet, feel the fear and do it anyway and get it out of the way and hopefully move on, albeit broken-heartedly!

What are your weekend plans?

Kkasxo,

So, apparently a healthy solid relationship is one where partners move away (metaphorically and physically) from the family of origin and build a family of their own. According to my psychologist anyway he says this is most common process for adults who grew up with loving, understanding and supportive upbringing etc. He tried to explain to me that I should be or have been my ex’s priority. Like the question he asked me once- if me and my ex’s mum were drowning at sea and he could save one, who would he save. Without hesitation O said his mother, to which my therapist shook his head. He said it’s more natural to save the partner who you would build a life with. Obviously though very sad, he is supposed to let go of his family of origin. It doesn’t mean you don’t care and don’t do wonderful things for them, but you work on building your own life, your own future.

My ex to this day still feels responsible for his parents and the older they get, the more so. In all his protests about needing to be a lone wolf and not in a relationship, I believe he was fooling himself that he’s a lone wolf and deep down, he doesn’t realise his attachment to the role of responsibility is stalling him. Anyway, just a few things resonated with me about your guy. It’s understandable to have great regard for your family, but YOU should be his priority now. You first and then his family after, but your feelings need to be most important. So I hope he cops on to that.

In a way I envy your trip abroad for Xmas. Just to get away from everything and pretend it’s not happening and leave the pain and trauma and heartache and stress behind. But realistically for me I think I’m way to fragile to move from my cocoon! I do believe it’s going to do great things for you, I think you should really see it as a break away from everything and enjoy just being in the moment.

As for me, the plan was to contact him this eve to arrange a meet up tomo- if he’s even still around- but of course- I’m bawking at the last minute again. Too scared to do it! 🙁